A massive spaceship lied ruined and charred, resting on the edge of a the beach shore. About one kilometers away, three Banshees and an orange Spartan clinging to one of the ships' wings swooped in.

"This thing is falling apart," Grif shouted with a panicked tone.

"Ah shut up," Sarge snapped dismissively.

"We're not gonna make it," the orange Spartan continued.

"I said shut up!"

"Pull up, for the love of god," Grif's voice became extremely high and shrill as the Banshee started to droop down. "PULL UP!" The Banshee hit just below an empty escape pod hatch. "You asshole, you did that on purpose!"

"Damn straight," Sarge's voice replied before his hand clasped on the ledge, pulling himself up.

"Well could you at least help me?"

"No can do compadre," Sarge answered as he stood up in the empty hatch. "You're responsible for yourself. I had to save you after you fell asleep on Simmons' Banshee, so you owe me!"

"Yeah right, how many times have you tried to kill me in the past?"

"Simmons, Donut," Sarge shouted, ignoring Grif as he clawed his way up to the empty hatch. "Stop floatin around and get in here! I can't expect to do this mission with just Grif! That'd hold me back, and I'd have to do this mission twice!"

"Uh…I'm not entirely sure how we're supposed to get in there sir," Simmons called through the radio.

"Just do what I did," Sarge snapped. "Wait until you're at least two feet away, jump out and then latch on to the ship!"

"Or you could do what I did," Donut's voice came next to Sarge. The Red commander snapped his head over, and saw the pink Spartan standing next to him. "Just put the Banshee in reverse and back in then jump out."

"Donut that's genius thinking," Sarge exclaimed. "Simmons, get down here pronto!"

"Y-yes sir." After a few moments of shaky flying, Simmons finally got into the ship safe and sound.

"We need to get to the bridge. From there, we can use the captain's neural implants to initiate an overload of the ship's fusion engines. The explosion should damage enough systems below it to destroy the ring."

"You heard the lady," Sarge barked. "Check your weapons and see what ya got!"

Sarge had his signature shotgun with a pistol on his thigh. Simmons had an assault rifle and pistol. Donut had an assault rifle and plasma rifle. Grif was weaponless due to him having to cling to a Banshee's wing for nearly two hours.

The Reds moved through the ship and down a hallway which wasn't dark at all for some unexplained reason. Suddenly, a swarm of infectious forms came crawling from the ground. Sarge and Donut fired into the swarm, popping them all like air filled pimples.

"Do you guys hear that," Simmons asked. "Sounds like lasers…"

"It means those Sentinel guys are back," Donut stated with a tone of shock.

"Right-oh, Grif, get down there and die with very little to no dignity!"

"Fuck that!" Sarge sighed then aimed his shotgun directly to Grif's face. "God damn it…" The orange Spartan ran up and climbed down a ladder. Once on the ground, he realized he was surrounded by Flood carrier forms. "Son of a-,"

There was a chain reaction of booming pops, followed by a series of laser beams. There were more explosions, and then nothing but silence. Sarge looked to Simmons, who looked to Donut, who looked back at Sarge.

"Okay, it's all clear now," Grif's voice called from below.

"What the sam-diggity—how'd you survive!"

"Simple, I just threw some of those big popper things at the Sentinels. You know for a group made by an allegedly superior race, these things are really fucking stupid."

Sarge muttered then went down the ladder, followed by Simmons and Donut. The group moved down the hall past the pools of green blood and flaming wreckage, until they turned a corner where a human combat form stood with the barrel of its shotgun directly into Grif's face.

"Shit!" The orange Spartan dove to the side as a blast rang out. The combat form fell over and the barrel of Sarge's shotgun was smoking.

"There, now that's two ya owe me!" The Reds came to a pair of locked doors that were sealed shut from the crash. "We need to get through this door Simmons! Can you open it or not?"

"I don't think so sir. It's not a problem with the locks, so I can't press a few buttons and open it. If anything it'll have to be broken open with brute force…"

"Say no more," Sarge exclaimed gleefully. The Red commander grabbed Grif who began stammering fearfully before Sarge smashed him through the doors headfirst. "Sort of like that?"

"Yeah…something like that…"

"Owie," Grif murmured. The Reds moved down the corridors until they came to the cafeteria area. "Sweet! Tell me there's food, oh lord, tell me there's food!"

"Grif, we haven't been on this ship in nearly a month," Simmons stated. "All the food is either old and moldy or eaten up by now."

"The only things on this ship are Sentinels and Flood," Grif snapped. "What're they going to eat? Lugnuts and flesh?" Suddenly, a plasma grenade landed on the shelf right next to Grif. "Oh…shit…" The orange Spartan dove under a table as the grenade exploded.

"Special Ops," Sarge shouted. "Watch out for their accuracy with grenades!"

"I'll show them accuracy," Donut snapped.

Simmons ran with Sarge, offering cover fire from his assault rifle. The Red commander stood behind a wall and turned around to fire a few rounds from his pistol. Donut was running around in the open had gotten into a grenade throwing match with an Elite. The duo threw countless grenades at each other, and somehow even managed to stick two plasma grenades together. The pink Spartan got lucky whenever a Grunt walked in front of his tossing match and fled towards his commander. The Elite cried out with anger as the Grunt exploded next to him, killing them both.

Simmons and Sarge finished off the remaining Covenant forces just as Grif crawled out from under the table.

"Is it over…?"

"You big baby," Sarge muttered as he moved forward.

Once in the bridge, Sarge placed Cortana back into the control system, allowing her tiny purple avatar to pop up.

"I leave home for a few days and look what happens," Cortana stated sarcastically.

"Yeah, the woman isn't here to clean up," Grif muttered. Sarge threw his leg back, kicking Grif in the shin. "Ow!" Simmons then elbowed Grif in the ribs rather hard. "OW! What the fuck!"

"This shouldn't take long," Cortana sighed. "There," a timer reading fifteen minutes popped up on the screen. "That should give us enough time to make it to a lifeboat and put some distance between ourselves and Halo before the detonation."

"Right, if we only have fifteen minutes we're gonna have to triple time it men!" Sarge reached forward to unplug Cortana from the control systems.

"I'm afraid that's out of the question really."

"Oh hell," Sarge and Cortana groaned.

Simmons and Donut had their weapons aimed as they scanned the bridge while Grif only looked around fearfully. "Ridiculous! That you would imbue a warship's AI with such a wealth of knowledge! Weren't you worried it might be captured? Or destroyed?"

"Is that the Monitor," Donut asked.

"He's hacked into out helmet's radio somehow," Simmons replied.

"He's in my data arrays too, a local tap," Cortana stated.

"Hey if she were real I'd tap her too," Grif muttered to Simmons. The comment got a punch to the back of the head from Sarge. "OW! Come on!"

"You can't imagine how exciting this is! To have a record of all of our lost time," the floating blue ball continued. "Human history, is it? Fascinating. Oh, how I will enjoy every moment of its categorization!"

"And I thought you were a nerd Simmons," Donut stated.

"Excellent burn Donut," Sarge replied.

"Oh come on, Donut makes an obvious joke and you say good job, while I make a joke and get abused! Bullshit man…"

"And to think that you would destroy this installation, as well as this record. I am SHOCKED. Almost too shocked for words."

"Then how about shutting the fuck up," Simmons screamed. There was a sharp beeping noise and the timer froze.

"He stopped the self destruct sequence…" Cortana stated.

"Hey, when my computer freezes I just hit it a few times," Grif chimed.

"Why do you continue to fight us, Reclaimers? You cannot win! Give us the construct, and I will endeavor to make your death relatively painless and-,"

"At least I still have control over the comm. channels," Cortana stated gratefully.

"Where is that annoying blue guy," Sarge asked with his temper and blood pressure rising.

"The Monitor is in engineering…he's trying to take the core offline to prevent us from blowing up Halo! Even if I could restart the countdown…I don't know what to do…"

"How many Grifs would you need to crack the engine's shields?"

"Four," Cortana replied, heavily annoyed. Sarge muttered with disappointment. "However, I was going to suggest using a grenade or rocket to blow them up instead."

"That could work sir," Simmons stated.

"Right-oh, let's move men!"

"There's an armory on the way," Cortana added. "I'm coming with you guys." Sarge nodded then unplugged the AI and placed her in the back of his head.

"Let's go men! We've got a ring to destroy!"

The Reds moved through the crashed ship as quickly as possible, encountering Covenant, Flood, and Sentinels all warring against one another. Moving as quickly as they could, the Reds made it to the armory with minimal damage, but extremely exhausted from so much running and dodging gunfire.

"Alright men, we're in the armory! Simmons, Donut, pick up a rocket launcher and carry as many rockets as you can! Grif, get one of those empty assault rifles and pick up a few of the bullets lying on the ground!"

"Why do I still NOT have a weapon after this far into the ship?"

"Because you haven't picked one up numb-nuts! We've killed plenty of enemies all of whom have dropped weapons which you could pick up!"

"Oh save it Sarge," Grif snapped.

"Sir," Simmons called out, "Donut and I are set and ready."

"Good, now let's go blow up this ship and possibly a floating blue ball!" The Reds followed their insane leader back through the armory and towards engineering.

As the doors opened, there was a combat form, ready to strike them. Before the Reds could react, the zombie was gunned down by a hail of laser beams. There was a familiar, and annoying, humming sound as the Monitor swooped down into view in front of the Reds.

"Hello Reclaimers, so nice to see you all again."

"Damn it," Sarge and Cortana muttered simultaneously.

"Are you ready to hand over your construct," the Monitor asked.

"Keep dreamin pinball," Sarge snapped. "Now get out of our way! We got some blowin up to do!"

"I'm afraid I cannot allow that Reclaimer," the Monitor said. Suddenly, four Sentinels flew into view behind the Monitor, with many more floating all around the room in front of the Reds.

"I got an idea," Sarge whispered. Without warning, the Red commander rushed forward and jumped onto the Monitor.

"Wh-what are you doing Reclaimer?" The floating ball started moving back from the door and into the air with Sarge clinging onto it.

"Sir," Simmons shouted.

"Start blowin up those engine things," Sarge shouted as he fired his shotgun at the Sentinels who were eager to save the Spark. "Ha-ha, blamo! Come on ya floating trash buckets! This way! I'm on your floating ball of a leader!"

"Reclaimer, I must insist you get off me this instant!"

"Ah shut up," Sarge snapped, punching the Monitor in its eye.

"Let's move guys," Simmons shouted as he took point.

The Monitor spun around rapidly, trying to throw Sarge off of its face. The Red commander simply fired round after round from his shotgun, blowing Sentinels into flaming heaps of metal. The Monitor stopped then tried shaking its body.

"Reclaimer, this is most unnecessary!"

"Maybe so, but it keeps you out of the way you overgrown ornament!"

"I say, there's no reason for such language," the Monitor snapped.

Simmons, Grif, and Donut came out of the first door on the second floor. Simmons ran over and started pressing a few buttons on a nearby terminal. There was a loud sound as the shaft unlocked from the engine core.

"Alright, someone jump on and throw a grenade in there."

"I'll do it," Donut offered, quickly running and jumping onto the moving pillar.

"Alright, while he's doing that Grif, come with me to the second one."

"Oh come on man, can't I just offer you guys like cover fire or something?"

"Would you actually do it," Simmons questioned. Grif sighed with defeat and followed Simmons.

Donut watched and waited for the engine core to open as he clutched his grenade tightly. Once the flaps opened, Donut hurled the grenade right into the slot, blowing that fusion core up. The shaft started slowly moving back towards the now destroyed core. Donut hopped back up on the platform where Simmons and Grif had just finished off the second one.

"Alright, halfway there guys," Simmons said. "Just two more and we're done."

"YEEEEE-HAAAAW!" Sarge shouted as the Monitor was zipping around with surprising speed in an attempt to throw the Red commander off.

"Reclaimer! Get off me this instant!"

"No chance gumball," Sarge snapped.

The Red fired a shot into a Sentinel who was flying towards him, reducing it to a flaming pile of scrap. There was a cataclysmic explosion that shook the entire ship, causing various explosions from the roof above.

"Sarge, looks like your boys did it," Cortana announced. "There's a service lift at the top of the engine room! It leads to a class-7 service corridor that runs along the ship's dorsal structure. Hurry Reds!"

"Well it's been fun blue ball," Sarge stated as he grabbed the Monitor with both hands.

"What're you-," Sarge planted his feet on the platform as his men came running towards him. The Red commander screamed as he hurled the Monitor with all his might towards a wall. The ball hit with a ding then fell to the ground where a ton of flaming debris fell on him. "Ha-ha!"

"Excellent work sir," Simmons said quickly, "Now let's get the fuck out of here!"

"Agreed," Sarge snapped. The Reds moved across the platform and through some halls before they got to where the service elevator was supposed to be.

"What the fuck," Grif shouted. "We're gonna die!" Just then, the elevator descended, revealing a Special Ops Elite with a squad of Grunts carrying fuel rod cannons. "Come the fuck on! Really?"

"I finally found you," the Elite exclaimed. "Now, after pursuing you monkeys for so long, I'll finally have my chance to-," Sarge popped a Grunt in the head with a pistol, causing it to fall to the ground. Its gun started to burn, causing the other Grunts and the Elite to look down. "Oh son of a bi-,"

The one explosion went off, causing a chain reaction of the other Grunts' fuel rod guns in one grand explosion that incinerated all the bodies within the elevator. Sarge casually walked into the elevator while the other Reds just shrugged to each other and followed.

"Anyone know what that was about," Grif asked. "According to the subtitles in my helmet that Elite was talking about pursuing us or something."

"Who cares," Sarge snapped. "We should be focusing on a way out of here! Cortana, do what you always do: save our asses with information only an AI would know."

"Well I'll be damned, one of you actually appreciates what I do. Analyzing…the ship's inventory shows one Longsword fighter still docked in Launch Bay 7. Activating final countdown timer, when it reaches zero, the engines will detonate. The explosion will generate a temperature of almost one hundred million degrees. Don't be here when it blows."

"Oh you can count on that," Grif replied.

"But how're we supposed to get across this ship in five minutes," Donut asked fearfully.

"This service elevator is going to take us up to a Warthog station. There'll be plenty for you all."

"Shotgun."

"Shotgun," Simmons said, "Fuck!"

"Shotgun's lap," Donut added.

"Fuck," Grif snapped.

"Negative men," Sarge barked. "I'm taking point in the first Warthog. Grif, you'll drive a second one behind me with Simmons as your gunner and Donut as your passenger."

"Wait, this mission is probably the most suicidal thing we've ever done and you're volunteering to take point? What's the catch?"

"No catch Grif, we gotta make it out of this thing alive. I can clear the path ahead by running over every living thing I see! Then Simmons can mop up the rest with the gun."

"What about Donut," Grif asked.

"He's the passenger," Sarge replied. "He can still throw grenades and fire rocket launchers right?"

"Hell yeah," the pink Spartan exclaimed happily.

"Then it's settled." The elevator came to a stop. "Get movin men!" Sarge ran into the Warthog station, grabbing the first jeep he could find. "Mount up…in a different one!"

Grif, Simmons, and Donut got into another Warthog, just as Sarge started pulling out. Grif followed Sarge as they both got out of the station just as it was engulfed by an explosion.

Outside the station, Covenant and Flood forces were battling each other. Sarge simply made a path by running through everything while Simmons in the other Warthog picked off the stragglers. The Reds moved up a hill, running through a few dozen Flood infectious forms before getting over the hill. There was a lower tunnel with Flood combat forms standing at the top of the entrance. Sarge went straight down into the tunnel while Grif swerved to the right. Sarge ran through two Flood carrier forms and pushed on through to the other side of the tunnel where he ramped his Warthog over Grif's, landing a little sloppily.

"I said I was taking point Grif," Sarge snapped. "Don't get ahead of me ever again!"

"You don't want me to get ahead of you just because you hate me and you hope to leave me behind on this exploding ship right?"

"That's the dream," Sarge called back, now through the radio.

"What about us sir," Simmons asked dreadfully.

"A necessary sacrifice for the greater good of eliminating the laziest person ever to wear the uniform! And by uniform I mean the heavily armored uniform equipped with advanced shielding technology that makes us the most bad ass things ever to be created by the military!"

"Amen to that," Donut shouted.

By now the Reds made it halfway through the second service tunnel with only 1.4 kilometers to go. Once out of the service tunnel, the Reds were caught in the crossfire of a dozen Sentinels and Flood combat forms.

"Seriously, why does everything have to be fighting," Grif shouted. "They're all going to die anyway unless we get to the ship!"

"Grif quiet," Sarge shouted as he started turning the steering wheel sharply to the side to straighten out the vehicle. "If the enemy hears you, they'll steal the ship before we can even get to it!"

"No they won't, because we're in fucking jeeps that go over a hundred and fifty miles per hour you moron! Nothing can run that fast!"

The Reds now made it to the third tunnel with a kilometer to go and nearly four minutes to make it there. Sarge pushed through the Flood, Sentinels, explosions and fire as he headed through the curvy tunnel. The Reds moved through many rooms and tunnels as the timer slowly ran down.

A Grunt came waddling out of a hall, sighing to himself. "Ugh…good thing that the food nipple will be waiting for me at the starship, cause man; I worked up a big, grunty, thirst!" The Grunt looked down his left, seeing two speeding Warthogs coming right at him. "Crickey!" The Grunt started firing its plasma pistol at the Reds.

"Son of a bitch," Grif shouted as he swerved to avoid the blasts. "You little asshole!"

"Bite me," the Grunt shouted as the group zoomed by. Donut turned around and hurled a grenade directly towards the Grunt. "No! Please no!" The grenade stuck to the Grunt's face and it cried out just before it exploded.

"Sarge, up ahead there's a gap in the trench! At top speeds we should be able to make it!"

"Grif," Sarge shouted, "Put the pedal to the metal!"

Both Reds floored the gas, reaching top speeds in their Warthogs. The Reds cleared the gap and continued down another tunnel. Sarge sped forward, but an explosion caused Grif to slow down a bit before going after Sarge. The orange Spartan moved through the smoke and fire, revealing that they were at the hanger and a barricade was set up. Sarge was already out of his Warthog, standing in the middle of the crossfire between Covenant and Flood.

"Get moving boys," Sarge shouted. "Simmons, get the ship started!"

Grif, Simmons and Donut all bailed out of the vehicle. Simmons and Grif ran side by side straight for the ship while Donut covered them with explosives. Sarge continued firing at the aliens stupid enough to get close to him while Donut slowly walked past him. Sarge backed up slowly with Donut watching his rear…(A/N: um…I think there may be a pun intended here).

Simmons got on the ship, ran towards the cockpit and started pressing buttons and flipping switches. Grif stood at the top of the ramp of the ship, panting heavily from all the running before he turned around, seeing a swarm of Flood charging towards him.

"Simmons, gun now!" The maroon Spartan turned his head, seeing the alien zombies. Simmons tossed Grif an assault rifle. The orange Spartan grabbed the weapon, spun around and started unloading shells into the mob of alien zombies. "Get some bitches!"

"Sir," Simmons called through the radio over the many explosions, ship engines, and Grif's gunfire. "The ship is ready when you are!"

"Roger," Sarge shouted as he blew an Elite's stomach out. "Donut, get to the ship pronto!"

"Yes sir," Donut screamed. "WAAAAAAAAAHH!"

The pink Spartan made all panicking haste towards the ship. Sarge fired two more rounds from his shotgun then hauled ass. Grif stopped firing once most of the Flood combat forms were dead, waving Donut to hurry the hell up.

"We got thirty seconds," Simmons shrieked with a shrill tone.

"Come the hell on Donut," Grif shouted. The pink Spartan ran up the boarding ramp just as Sarge came into view. "Fuck, Sarge move it soldier!"

"You tell me what to do and I'm going to boot your ass back on this ring Grif," Sarge screamed as he fired a round into a nearby combat form.

The commander stepped onto the ramp just as Simmons decided to take off at full speed. Luckily the ramp closed which caused Grif and Donut to be thrown into the back of the ship, pancaking Sarge between their weight and the raised boarding ramp. Simmons pushed the throttle as hard as it could go, pushing through the atmosphere just as the Autumn started to explode.

Simmons flew the ship outside of the ring just as a huge chunk of it flew out and broke the ring in two. The construct started falling apart piece by piece as the explosion from the Pillar of Autumn shook the ring apart into sections.

Inside the fighter ship, an alarm was going off saying 'ENGINE TEMP CRITICAL.' Simmons turned the engines off, leaving the ship to float within the endless abyss of space.

"Get off me," Sarge shouted as he pushed Grif and Donut both to the floor. "Simmons, next time wait until I'm in my seat and safely buckled up before you take off!"

"We had like fifteen seconds by the time you got on and it takes nearly twice that amount of time to safely get through a planet's atmosphere! This whole ship could've been burnt to a crisp or exploded because I pushed it so hard!"

"Next time don't do that Simmons," Grif snapped as he slowly turned himself right side up.

"Anyone fancy a look," Donut asked quietly, staring out the window.

The Reds moved towards the window, staring out at the broken construct. There were a few large fragments which were drifting and spinning away from each other slowly. Like Sarge striking Grif, a large piece came out of nowhere and collides with another which smashed it in two. And for some unexplained reason, there were explosions triggering all over the remains of the ring. Halo had been soundly destroyed.

"Now that's beautiful," Sarge said quietly with almost a nostalgic sense about him.

"I wouldn't say beautiful," Grif replied, "but that is somethin."

"My god, we just destroyed something that huge," Simmons stated in awe.

"I hope we don't have to do THAT again," Donut added.

"You guys did good," Cortana chimed in. Sarge placed Cortana in a control console near one of the seats. Her virtual avatar came up. "Despite the fact I thought you all were a bunch of blundering idiots…you did good."

"Oh I wouldn't go that far," Simmons replied with a mocking voice. "We're still blundering idiots, but we know what we're doing."

"What's that supposed to mean Simmons," Sarge questioned with an angry tone. "Are you suggesting that we're blundering idiots because of me!"

"No sir, because of Grif!"

"That's what I like to hear!" Sarge turned around and punched Grif in the face as Simmons let out a sigh of relief.

"Good lord," Cortana muttered. "You're not even worried if there are any survivors?"

"Survivors," Sarge repeated with a laugh. "Honey, did you see what we did to that ring? Just in case, let's take another look." Sarge leaned forward, staring out of the window there was a large explosion on one of the remains of Halo. "Yeah, there's a good chance there aren't gonna be any survivors!"

"Well," Cortana muttered. "We did what we had to do. For Earth. An entire Covenant armada obliterated and the Flood…"

"Those crazy zombie bastards never saw it coming," Sarge finished loudly. Cortana rolled her virtual eyes and shook her head with a smile.

"Halo…it's finished…"

"Nah," Sarge exclaimed loudly.

"What," Grif shouted, "You want to go back and blow up each one of those chunks or something?"

"No idiot! I'm just saying nah! If anything…" Sarge turned his head back out the window, adding a prolonged silence to add a dramatic effect. "If anything, I'd say we're just gettin started…"

The Longsword fighter drifted through space, leaving the remains of the Halo ring behind for good, leaving the cue for the rolling credits.

Halo: Combat Red

Written by: Xorncon – Number 0

Copyrights: Sarge, Grif, Simmons, Donut, Church, Caboose, and Tucker belong to the people of Rooster Teeth Productions.

The magnum from Left 4 Dead 2 belongs to Valve

Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer

Just about everything else in this story belongs to Microsoft

This story and the parody belong to me!

Characters:

Shows the throwing of an Elite out of a Banshee in chapter 3, punching Grif for the first time in chapter 1 after they got out of the cryo-pods, reading Twilight while riding a Sentinel in chapter 8, and finally a cool pose of the Red commander aiming his shotgun at the screen and freezes

Sarge

Shows a maroon Spartan crouched with a finger to the side of his helmet as he screamed over the radio, him hurling his assault rifle into the stomach of an Elite in chapter 3, and finally, him starting up the fighter's engines and snapping his head up dramatically in the chapter 11 and freezes

Simmons

Shows an orange Spartan kicking a golden Elite off into an endless abyss from chapter 4, him desperately holding onto the Monitor at the beginning of chapter 9 and then landing on his rear, and falling face first into the snow on chapter 6 and freezes

Grif

Shows a pink Spartan diving and rolling towards Simmons in chapter 7, disarming and killing a stealth Elite in chapter 3, him firing a Warthog gun turret at nothing in chapter 2, and his head popping out of a pool of thick gooey white stuff in chapter 10 and freezes

Donut

Thanks for reading!