1. INDECISIONS

(*Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, or any of the characters.)

I casually played with the delicate lace on my wedding dress, admiring how the full moon shimmered off the satin fabric. I was exhausted, but anxious as I closed my eyes and focused quietly on my breathing. I had been waiting for this moment for so long and had sacrificed so much. Now that the reward had been placed in front of me, I had to make sure it was something I still wanted. A pair of arms wrapped around my waist and I shivered as Edward pulled me against his bare stone chest. He rested his chin on my shoulder and I opened my eyes to find him watching me intently.

"Are you sure you still want to do this?" His intoxicating breath tickled my face.

I smiled and reached my left hand up to gently touch his cold skin, the brilliant wedding rings on my finger. "Yes," I stared into my husband's eyes. "Whatever I have to do to be with you forever." Once the words escaped my lips, I knew them to be true.

Edward inclined his head towards mine, tracing my jaw line with his lips and leaving tiny kisses down my neck. I could feel my pulse quicken as he lingered near my collarbone and took deep breaths of my scent. Suddenly his lips pulled back and he plunged his teeth into my neck, catching me as I collapsed against him. Instinctively I yanked on his hair at the shock of the initial pain and he braced against me as the blood began to flow. My heart pounded against my rib cage as the venom rapidly took its hold on the living tissue, and soon I was suffocating with the intense burning. I forced a scream out of my ragged throat as the fire ripped its way into my chest, wrapping itself around my heart.

I sat bolt upright in bed, gasping for breath and scratching at my skin. A pair of icy hands attempted to restrain me which only made me struggle more, until I realized the voice was pleading.

"Bella!? Bella, what is it!?" His angelic voice was in a panic, calling out to me in the dark. He wrapped me in his strong arms and held me against him until I stopped fighting and my breathing began to slow. "Another nightmare?" he kissed the top of my head.

"Yes." The pounding in my chest subsided as I realized the vivid transformation had only been a dream. I was still with Edward, not married, but still human.

"Same one as before?"

"Yes." I pushed off him and put my head in my hands, trying to shake the frightening images from my mind. My eyes had adjusted to the dark room and I glanced around in a daze at first, realizing that I had fallen asleep in Edward's room. The moon shown through the wall of windows and crept across the expansive bed, blanketing us in a silver shroud. Edward softly rubbed my back, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

"I'm alright," I reassured him after a couple of minutes. "It's just a lot of changes happening so quickly. The wedding and us moving away to college. And of course my becoming a permanent member of the family." I turned around and smiled at him. "I just need some time to process everything."

Edward seemed satisfied with my answer.

"I should get home," I reluctantly pushed myself off the bed. Charlie hadn't been thrilled when he learned of Edward's and my engagement, and I didn't want to give him any more excuses for his recent unpleasant attitude.

Edward drove me home in silence, holding my hand as I gazed out the window at the forest that flew past the sides of the car. I yawned absentmindedly, causing him to glance at me out of the corner of his eye.

"You sure you're alright?" He squeezed my hand.

"I'm fine," I smiled at him.

"I guess Alice has had a lot planned for you recently," he teased.

"A lot of late nights," I added with a sigh.

Edward glanced over again in my direction, concern on his face. "Bella, if this is not what you want, just tell me. Alice will get over it."

"No, it's not just the wedding." I paused and took the opportunity to take in his chiseled features as he parked the car in front of Charlie's house. Thankfully, Edward didn't question my silence.

"I'm sorry about the nightmares, Bella," he stroked the side of my face. "You know we don't have to rush into anything. Not until you're ready."

I smiled, grateful once again that he couldn't read my mind and see the other reason why I was beginning to question my current situation. He leaned over and kissed me quickly, and I struggled to ignore the stab of guilt I felt as I watched him gaze at me with unconditional love in his eyes.

"Meet you upstairs in a few minutes?" I rubbed his hand.

He unexpectedly looked down at my hand on his. "You're not wearing your ring," he stated.

"Edward, I'm not a ring person."

"I know." He didn't look up at me right away, and I cursed myself for being so foolish. It was only a piece of jewelry. A piece of jewelry that symbolized the end of my moral life.

"I'm sorry…"

"Why don't you get some sleep, Bella," I caught his sad smile. "I'll see you in the morning, you have a lot of work to do."

I groaned, imagining what new wedding planning activities Alice had to torture me with. I halfheartedly pushed myself up from the passenger side seat and stepped onto the curb, closing the door behind me. I leaned onto the side of the car and did my best pouting expression. The dark window slowly slid down on the Volvo and I caught Edward's amused grin.

"I don't like sleeping without you next to me," I sulked, hoping my guilt trip would work. "I don't like being alone."

Again, Edward misinterpreted my thoughts. "You're safe, Bella. I killed Victoria and the wolves took care of the rest. You have nothing to be afraid of."

I nodded. He was right about one thing. "Edward, I'm sorry about the ring," I repented.

"Bella," he chuckled. "It's not a big deal."

"But it is to you." I corrected him. "If you're going to be my husband, then I'd better get used to it." I watched a smile sneak across his face. "I'll wear it more, ok?"

"As you wish."

I smiled and turned to leave.

"Also, Bella," he hesitated. "You're not alone."

I turned and narrowed my eyes at him. "What do you mean?"

"I don't have to worry about you as much as I used to," Edward shrugged. "I knew he couldn't stay away for long."

My heart soared. "Jake?" I gasped, looking frantically over my shoulder and scanning the forest.

"He's been keeping watch over the house," I heard Edward's reserved voice behind me. "I can't imagine why, the danger is gone." I turned back around and Edward was shaking his head. "No, actually I do know why he's here. I don't like it, but as long as you're being looked after."

"He knows how I feel," I reassured him. "Goodnight Edward."

Upstairs I burst into my dark room and promptly stubbed my toe on the closest half-packed box sitting in the middle of the floor. I quietly closed the door so as to not wake Charlie and let the curses erupt. I sat on the edge of the bed rubbing my foot and looked around at what was left of my past four years in Forks. I had packed away everything I thought I would need at college, and Edward of course had planned to buy all new things once we were settled in Alaska. The walls of my room were bare and a stack of pictures sat on my dresser. I limped across the carpet and picked up the first photograph in the pile, the one of Edward and I. I still cringed over the undeniable difference between us, and my heart sank as I struggled over the fact that we still didn't look like we belonged together. Edward's exquisiteness next to my plain features and shabby appearance was still an issue for me. My only saving grace was that my skin wasn't too far away from his white granite complexion.

Lying just underneath that was a picture of Jacob and I, taken over at Billy's. A feeling of warmth rushed through me as I picked up the photograph of me and my best friend, and I couldn't help the smile that crept across my face. We were both sitting on the couch in the living room laughing at something on the television, Jacob's gaze on my face. Billy had managed to capture Jacob's radiant smile that I absolutely adored, but what held my interest was my own image. I looked at ease with Jacob. My smile was genuine and natural, without any sense of apprehension. We looked like a couple. I placed both pictures back onto the pile.

I ran a brush through my sleep-tousled hair and stared at myself in the mirror, surprised at the tightening knot in my stomach. The last time I had seen Jacob we confessed our love for each other, but of course I had ultimately chose Edward. I had been aware of Jacob's feelings for quite some time, but only recently had I realized that I shared those same feelings. I allowed my mind to wander back to that moment before the final fight with Victoria.

He was everywhere. The piercing sunlight turned my eyelids red, and the color fit, matched the heat. The heat was everywhere. I couldn't see or hear or feel anything that wasn't Jacob. The tiny piece of my brain that retained sanity screamed questions at me.

Why wasn't I stopping this? Worse than that, why couldn't I find in myself even the desire to want to stop? What did it mean that I didn't want him to stop? That my hands clung to his shoulders, and I liked that they were wide and strong? That his hands pulled me too tight against his body, and yet it was not tight enough for me? The questions were stupid, because I knew the answer.

Jacob was right. He'd been right all along. That's why it was so impossible to tell him goodbye – because I was in love with him. In this moment, it felt as though we were the same person. His pain had always been and would always be my pain-now his joy was my joy.

With a stab of guilt, I opened up the nearest drawer of the bureau and stared at the engagement ring I had placed there. I remembered my earlier promise to Edward, but instead closed the drawer and decided to push domesticating myself to another night. I wandered over to the window and gazed out into the night, trying to recognize anything in the shadows. I pushed the window open and it creaked in the humid air, a slight breeze tossing my hair behind my shoulders.

"Jake?" I called into the darkness, wondering if he was still watching over me or if he had chose to move on. The only answer I received was the rustling of undergrowth and an owl's haunting call. I waited a few minutes, my excitement dwindling as I mulled over the realization that seeing me was too difficult for him. My heart ached that I couldn't give Jacob the love and devotion he deserved, but something else told me that I hadn't completely made up my mind yet. I pushed myself off the window and went to lay down on my bed when a soft whimpering sound made me turn on my heels. I felt a smile spread across my face as I rushed back over to the window and caught sight of a russet-colored wolf gazing up at me.

"You came back," I nearly cried. Jacob seemed to smile too as he sat back on his haunches. We continued to gaze at each other lovingly, and for a second I pictured someone coming across this scene: Juliet and her very hairy Romeo. Although Jacob was not my Romeo, he was Paris, and I knew in my heart that I still had a choice to make. Jacob suddenly shifted his weight and jumped into the forest, disappearing in the shadows once again. Before I could call after him again, the human form of Jacob re-appeared on the edge of the trees. His hair was cut short again and he gazed back up at me, hesitant.

"It's alright," I nodded and smiled at him. "Come up if you want."

Jacob didn't need any further invitation as he hoisted himself into the huge tree in the side yard. I quickly got out of the way as he gracefully leapt through the open window and landed in my bedroom. His massive form filled the room, and I was waiting for a point where he'd start bumping his head on ceilings. In my excitement, I jumped into his open arms and he hugged me tight against his chest. His familiar scent and unnaturally warm skin comforted me, and I sighed in contentment as he placed his arm under my knees and carried me across the room. He gently placed me on the bed, then hopped on the other side of me and propped himself up on an elbow.

"I missed you," I settled in close to him and he began playing with a strand of my hair.

"I missed you too." He stared into my eyes as my heart beat erratically.

"Why did you leave?" I could tell the question hurt him, but after I'd heard so much of his distaste for Edward's abandonment, I had been shocked to hear of his own disappearance. I watched him gather his thoughts for a few minutes.

"I received your wedding invitation," he looked down at his hands. "And his note."

"Edward wrote you a note?"

Jacob nodded. "It was too much for me to handle and I just had to take some time to think. Part of me understands why Edward left you when he did."

I was shocked, but let him continue.

"When I was alone with my thoughts, I had myself convinced that it was dangerous for you to be around me. That I'm a monster. That it was better to put distance between us. And no matter how much it hurt me, you were safe, and that was all that mattered. Now I see how he felt."

He took my hand in his and replaced his gaze on my face, a serious look in his eyes.

"But I had to come back, Bella. I couldn't stay away long enough to allow someone else to replace the hole I had left behind. I focused on disciplining myself, to learn how to control my temper around you so that you'll always be safe with me."

"Jake," I sighed, as I reached up and softly touched his face.

"I'm not just going to walk away without a fight," he set his jaw. "I made myself a better man for you because I love you, Bella. And I'm not leaving knowing that you're making a huge mistake."

I looked deep into Jacob's eyes. "But what if I'm not making a huge mistake?"

Jacob seemed taken back by my question, his tough exterior fading a little. "What are you talking about, Bella?"

"Part of me understands Edward a little better as well," I explained carefully. "When he left me, he says it was for my own safety. For my own well-being. Even though it hurt me, it nearly destroyed him, but it was what he thought was best for me." I gently stroked Jacob's cheek with my finger. "I'm not going to deny that I've hurt you, Jake."

Jacob leaned against my hand, but kept silent.

"But I still keep you around because part of me needs you, and I'm afraid I've become selfish. I don't want to hold you back from your own life Jacob, because I realize you mean that much to me. And I want you to be happy, even if it's not with me."

"Bella, I'm here because I want to be," he argued, taking my hand from his face and interlacing our fingers together. "And don't you understand? I won't be happy unless I'm with you."

I replaced my hand on my forehead, quickly running out of excuses. "Jake, I'm marrying Edward. I don't know what else to tell you except that I know what I'm doing."

Jacob was silent for a few minutes. "Then where's your engagement ring?"

I sheepishly looked down at my left hand, but I already knew its place in the drawer. "It's complicated," I met his gaze again, trying not to falter.

Jacob eyed me suspiciously. "Why did you bring me up here, Bella?"

I swallowed as he studied my face, and I tried to keep my voice steady. "I wanted to see you. Is there anything wrong with that?"

"There is when we both know how we feel about each other," he leaned closer to me. "And you're keeping me around even though you've told me I don't have a chance."

"You don't," I bluffed.

Jacob narrowed his eyes at me and smirked as I tried to hold my ground. "Then why do you keep checking out my muscles?" He winked and flexed a bicep.

I rolled my eyes. "You're the one who insists on walking around half-naked."

"Doesn't mean I should catch you staring at me because apparently you're spoken for," he teased.

"I am spoken for, which is why you need to be more respectful," I snapped back.

"You don't act like you are." He stared into my eyes and I began to lose my restraint. "I think you're reconsidering your options."

I let out an aggravated sigh, but I broke his gaze and my trembling breath gave me away.

Jacob smirked. "I knew it."

"Oh come on," I sat up and leaned against the headboard, crossing my arms. "You do this every time I see you, get me all hot and bothered and you start interrogating me about Edward."

"I never said anything about you being hot and bothered," Jacob sat up, his face inches from mine. "But now that you mention it, you are a little flushed."

My hands flew up to my face. "I am not!"

"Well you certainly are now," he teased.

I glared at him, struggling to regain my composure. "You know exactly how to aggravate me, Jacob Black."

He shrugged. "Admit it, Bella. We're perfect for each other."

I forcefully placed my hands on his shoulder and shoved him, but of course he barely moved. "Jacob, I want absolutely nothing to do with you!"

"You seem to get more violent when I point out things that are true," he mused, leaning even closer to me. "At least that's how I know I'm on the right track."

"I am not attracted to you, Jacob," I said through my teeth, my heart aching with each lie I told.

"Then why are you shaking?"

"I'm not shaking."

He held up my trembling hand in his and raised an eyebrow. "You can't use the 'I'm cold' excuse with me."

"Why are you harassing me with all these questions?"

"Why are you asking questions to avoid all my questions?"

Frustrated, I rolled off the bed away from him. I could only travel so far before I was stopped by the boxes, and I ended up pacing in a tight circle in the middle of the room. The walls seemed to be closing in on me. My stomach rolled as the weight of my uncertainty grew heavier, and out of the corner of my eye Jacob watching me suspiciously.

"Bella, what is it?" He asked carefully, moving to the edge of the bed with concern in his eyes.

I stopped pacing and looked over at him, fidgeting with my hands. "It's just a lot to consider, and I don't have much time left," I explained. "And the thought of saying goodbye to you-" My voice broke and Jacob was instantly by my side.

"You don't have to do this, Bella." He grabbed my shoulders to steady me. "You still have a choice."

"I know," I struggled to keep the sobs from building in my chest.

Jacob led me back to the bed and sat on the edge, his arms around my waist. Even with me still standing, he was at my eye level. "I'm sorry Bells," he held my face in his hands. "I didn't come over here to upset you. I missed you, and I just had to see you again. We can talk about something else if you want."

I nodded in relief. His hands left my face and slid down my arms, coming to rest on my hips again. The knots in my stomach grew tighter as I watched him hesitantly lean closer to me, his eyes on my face. Something in my mind screamed at me to step away from him, but my heart wouldn't let me move. Soon I could feel the heat coming off his skin as he lingered inches from my mouth. Again I thought back to our kiss in the forest, and for a fleeting moment considered the fact that we had already crossed that line. I had discovered a passion that I never knew I could feel because of Jacob's strength, how difficult could it be to just give in to him again? I pushed that thought out of my head instantly and tried to work on my fading determination.

"Bella, I told you before," he whispered, rubbing my cheek with his finger. "You've never been with anyone else but him. You're making a major decision in your life without taking advantage of another opportunity."

"What opportunity is that?" I shivered under his touch.

"Me," he leaned closer. "I'm right here. Just give me a chance."

"Jake, please," I whimpered as he rested his forehead against mine, his breathing heavy.

He smirked. "All you have to do is tell me no, Bells."

"No, Jake." My voice was barely audible.

"As you wish."

His lips brushed against mine for a second, and it was all I needed. With a defeated sigh I wrapped my hands around his neck and pulled him to me, kissing him like I may never see him again. Jacob happily responded to my surrender, intertwining his fingers in my hair and sighed contentedly. His lips were tender against mine, careful and uncertain at how far I would take this. Against my better judgment, I pressed myself to his bare chest as he took in a shaky breath. Jacob parted my mouth with his and his hot breath coursed through my throat.

As our passion intensified, I became aware that Jacob wasn't attempting to push me away like Edward always had. Jacob's arms held me tighter, his hands didn't hesitate to explore my body, and his ravenous kisses left me little time to take a breath. My heart pounded in my chest as I dug my nails into his skin, trying to get as close as I possibly could to him. Without breaking our kiss, Jacob shifted his weight so that he was kneeling on the middle of my bed and I followed willingly. He gently lay me down, settling himself on top of me and placed his lips tenderly on my neck. I struggled to inhale as he left a trail of kisses down to my chest, and without thinking I reached up and touched the top button on my blouse.

I gasped as Jacob seized either side of my shirt and ripped it open, sending the buttons flying in every direction. He quickly looked down at the sound of my shock and I recognized the desire in his eyes. He collapsed on top of me and cursed, his overheating skin against mine.

"Bella, I'm so sorry," he whispered next to my ear.

"Don't be, I started this." I tried to control my quivering voice as I felt his muscular chest press against me. I still lay underneath him clad in only a bra.

"But I should have the sense to stop you," his breathing was still labored. "You're right, I need to be more respectful of your wishes."

"But what about you? I should be able to-"

"You are my weakness, Bella." Jacob shifted his weight onto the bed and propped himself up on an elbow, gazing into my eyes. "No matter how physically strong I am, I cannot push you away when it comes to this." He paused near my mouth, still damp from our passionate kiss. "You are going to be the death of me," he whispered. With a groan he rolled across me and pushed himself off the bed, walking into the middle of my room.

I sat up and wrapped my torn sweater around myself, feeling embarrassed and full of shame. I hadn't realized that this was how I would act once I had gotten this far, and I wasn't sure if I had already done everything to push my best friend away. Jacob returned to my side and reached for me.

"I can't do this, Bella," he placed a hand under my chin and looked into my teary eyes. "Believe me, I want to… But not here, not with your reservations and choices and him on your mind."

I nodded against his hand.

"If this-If I am what you want," Jacob brushed my cheek with a finger. "Then I'm yours."

"I know," I smiled sheepishly at him.

He smirked at my torn clothes and disheveled hair. "And you can't tell me that it's like this with him."

"Jake," I shot him a warning.

"It's ok, I don't want to know." He stood up and crossed the room, looking back at me. "Go to sleep Bells, honey," he crouched down on the window sill. "You still have a lot to consider." He smiled, then turned and leapt out of the open window, disappearing into the darkness.

I stared at the place where he had just been, the realization of the night's events hitting me hard. I couldn't decide what I felt worse about: How far I had allowed myself to go with Jake, or that I had been willing to go farther. I groaned as I collapsed back onto the bed, laying my tired head on the pillow that now smelled like Jacob.