Flux

"Rose," The Doctor opened his mouth to speak, but all he could muster was her name. She looked at him, gazing expectantly. What could he say? What should he say? What could he possibly say to make it all better?

"Yes, Doctor?" The name ended as a question. He couldn't help but feel it was more a question of who he was, rather than what he was about to say.

"I'm sorry," the words fell lamely from his mouth. They floated in the air between them, softening the wall of emotions. The golden hue ring around her irises melted into the deep chocolate of her eyes. There were so many things swimming in there with the colours. Hurt, Gratitude, Loss. Hope?

All he wanted to see was acceptance.

"Don't…" she tried, but the rest of her sentence died on her tongue. Whatever she was going to say couldn't even reach her lips.

"No, I really am," The Doctor continued, using her silence as a chance to say everything. To tell her all the words that burnt through his tongue from regret in the years she was gone. "I'm sorry I left all those years ago." He spoke as if it had been hundreds, or thousands of years. It had only been two for him. But it could very well have been two hundred, or two thousand.

"You didn't mean to, there was nothing-"

"I'm sorry I did it again. I mean, that he, no I, did that to you… again."

Rose looked up at him. He couldn't stop watching the colours in her eyes blend as tears slowly began to ghost their way over them. He couldn't focus on the feelings that must have been showing. It had been far too long since he last saw her eyes, her face. Her.

"I love you," he said. "I love you. That's why I, he left you behind again."

"I thought… I thought he- you didn't want me anymore-" she started, but The Doctor cut across her.

"Oh, I did. He did," he attempted. He might have been half-human, but explaining something so amazingly simple was still so amazingly complicated. "That's why, I did this again. I left you here, not because I didn't want you, but because I did. He did. He wanted to keep you, but… I couldn't bear watching you fade away when I- he stayed the same. He couldn't do that. He loves you. So he gave you up, to live a life with him, with me."

Rose looked away. She seemed to be thinking. Trying to make sense out of the babble that was his attempt at telling her what happened. Why? Why was he so complicated? It was even hard for him to explain himself. The Doctor loosened the grip he had on her hand, but her fingers snatched tightly back around his.

"Don't," she repeated. "Don't let go. Not yet."

The Doctor pulled his hand out of hers and wrapped both his arms around her. He pulled her close to him and let her bury her head into his shoulder. He remembered he used to do this. He remembered the feel of her against him. The smell of her. The scent of flowers and space. Of soap and sky. A beautiful perfume. A blend of Earth among the stars. She still had it. He breathed her in and sighed. God, he had missed her.

"Rose Tyler, I am never letting go of you again."

They remained that way for a long time. The world moved around them. They had just landed on a zeppelin. They were standing on the platform, overlooking the whole of London. The Other London. Two strangers desperately clinging onto the only part of home they had left.

"I thought I'd never see you again," Rose sobbed. The Doctor tightened his hold, pulling her even closer. So close he could feel her heart beating. Pounding against the right side of his chest, where his other heart once was. Filling the void that was now there.

"I know," he said, his voice strained. It hurt to speak.

Jackie was behind them. He could feel her watching them. He promised her he'd always bring Rose home. He never broke that promise. The TARDIS coral radiated in his pocket, sending a warmth flowing through him, running with his blood. Creeping down to his finger tips and filling his head with a soft song. One that had always been there.

Using the technology at Torchwood, and the advice from Donna, he could not only speed up the process by fifty-nine, but by five hundred and ninety! He had already worked out the whole equation in his head. In one year and about sixty-nine days, the TARDIS would be fully grown. Just waiting to take them away. To take him, The Doctor, and Rose Tyler away to the furthest reaches of the Universe. To the very heart of Time. Anywhere. Everywhere.

And he would not break his promise.

"Rose, sweet-heart," Jackie said, touching Rose's shoulder. Rose looked up, her eyes dry, but tell-tale streaks of mascara breaking her ruse. Jackie gave her daughter a comforting smile. "Are you going to go home, love? The Doctor can stay with us; Pete said he wouldn't mind-"

"No, The Doctor's coming with me," Rose said, matter-of-factly, as if nothing had happened. As if they had never been to Bad Wolf Bay. As if he was The Doctor. The real Doctor. Don't be stupid, he snapped to himself. You are The Doctor.

"But, Rose, sweetie," Jackie said, imploringly. "Wouldn't it be better to if you and him, spent a bit of time apart…"

"I spent years away from him; I'm never leaving him again!" Rose's arms grew so tight around The Doctor's waist that he felt as if some of the air was being squeezed out of his lungs. Jackie nodded, defeated. She turned and walked away, meeting a man who The Doctor knew to be Pete Tyler, who was holding a small child. Toby, The Doctor guessed.

"What do you think?" Rose turned to The Doctor and looked up at him. God, she was beautiful. The Doctor broke out in a grin. "Do you want to stay, with me?"

"Forever," he grinned, repeating the words she had said to him those two years ago.

Rose smiled a real smile. A big, wonderful, beautiful smile. The Doctor looked deep into her eyes. She was happy, he could see that. She did love him; he knew he could see that. But, behind all this, he could see something else swirling. Disappointment.

Hurt stabbed at The Doctor. Of course she was disappointed. After all, he was only a copy! He wasn't what she really wanted. Despite the fact that he was the same man who saved her from the Autons. The same man who regenerated. The same man, who held her hand, ran with her, danced with her, hugged her, kissed her…

Did any of that matter to her?

His smile became awkward, twitching downwards. He always imagined settling down with her. One of his greatest secrets. He would sit in the TARDIS console room, staring at the changing colours, wondering and dreaming of a life with Rose Tyler. A real one. But in all of his dreams, she loved him because he was him. Not because he was him.

"I know, it's probably not the life you wanted," Rose said, her voice dropping to a whisper. The Doctor watched her as her head broke contact with his, facing down, her grip slacking. She wasn't smiling anymore. "I know you'd much rather be up there, but, I was hoping… I know it's not what we wanted, but, I was thinking. Maybe you and me could, give it a go. A real one?"

She looked up at him. The disappointment was still there, but The Doctor ignored it. It was probably mirrored exactly in his own eyes. It would take a long time to heal from this. For both of them.

"Rose, I know you'd rather be up there with him," he said. "I know it's going to take time for us to get over this too. But I'm willing to suffer every minute of it, if it means I can be with you for the rest of my life."

Rose smiled again and threw her arms up around his shoulders, clutching onto him. He wrapped his arms around her waist. This was certainly not the life she had intended, and definitely not the life he had dreamed, but it didn't matter. It was theirs. At long last, it was theirs.

Then, he heard it. The noise rang through his ears and shattered the peace that had once been between them. They jumped apart and raced to the edge of the platform.

The TARDIS stood below on the street, sitting between two buildings. People walked past it, not even noticing. To them, it was just a blue box. Nothing important. But to them… Rose looked over at The Doctor as though expecting him to explain. But he merely gaped.

"That's, impossible," he breathed. "That can't… I-, I mean, he can't be here!"

Rose started to run towards the stairs leading to the street. The Doctor ran after. He could hear his heart breaking. Of course she'd run back to him. Of course she would. After all, he was the real one. They reached the street in record time and were in front of the blue, wooden doors within minutes. For a long while, they just stood there waiting.

"We could just walk away," The Doctor suggested, making sure not to sound too hopeful. Rose was focused entirely on the box. She placed a hand on it, her eyes swimming.

"We can't, Doctor," she said. "You, he shouldn't be here. That means something's wrong. And you know what we do when something's wrong." She gave him a smile. He didn't return it. Rose didn't wait for him to answer and pushed open the door. The Doctor followed, directly on her heel.

"Oh my, God…"

The TARDIS' lights had gone out. There was a small fire spitting from the console. The Doctor raced up and started batting the fire with his suit jacket. Rose ran over to the lump form, tripping in the dark as the fire suddenly went out. The Doctor pulled his glasses out of his pockets, (he had a pair for each suit, in the case they were forgotten), and slipped them on. Pulling dials and pressing buttons, The Doctor tried to give the TARDIS some power. (He ignored the wonderful feeling of home he was getting from doing so). A gentle, blue hue flew into existence-

"Doctor!"

The Doctor ran around and was at Rose's side before the last syllable of his name had left her. He froze. Rose was clutching onto the lapel of his other's jacket, her knuckles turning white. The Doctor took off his glasses and stared down at the face of his last regeneration. The less-haired, big-eared version of himself.

"Oh, now that's… impossible."