ALONE

Don't own iCarly if I did I wouldn't be wasting my life writing this x]

4 people reading my other story NO I did not ditch it this is just a REALLY random idea in my head that doesn't make sense at some points x]

Freddie's POV

I sat on my bed and rocked myself forward and back. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was still in my suit, because I just came back from the court hearing. I won, but it finally got into my mind what I was fighting for. No one knew yet, I wasn't sure if I was happy or if I was sad. They were going to find out somehow and someway. Tears threatened to fall from my eyes I tried not to cry; guys don't cry they are guys.

Last week my mom died in a car accident. Some drunk driver ran past a red light and hit the car on the driver's side crashing full impact into my mom. I got the news hours later that she died on impact; I decided to keep it to myself; to put up a facade not letting Sam, Carly or Spencer to know. I didn't want pity. I had to go to a court hearing; I fought to live on my own. I was turning 18 in a few days and got a job. My mom paid for the apartment and it was ours so I had to pay for everything else. I had to take to bus to the hearing, no one knew so no one could take me.

It finally sunk into my brain that my mom isn't coming back. She's gone, forever. I sighed and managed to get up. Sometimes I wished I was a girl, not because I'm gay but because you could cry to someone, if you are guy you HAVE to suck it up and move on, act like nothing happened. I walked over to the kitchen and scanned around the room. I finally settled for the long knife, I lifted my sleeve. People say that when you cut, you want attention. You want to hurt people you love, or you just want to hurt yourself. I am not emo, or suicidal. I was cutting for a reason. I had so much bottled emotions inside of me, they wouldn't go away so I cut, I could see the pain, bandage it up and the hole in my soul would feel a little smaller. I didn't cut deep, I didn't want to die, it was just when too much happened and I couldn't cry; cutting helped, it was better.

I made 3 small cuts on my left wrist and watched as specks of blood began to appear. I stared blankly at my wrist and leaned back against the wall I slid down. I sat crossed legged on the tiled kitchen floor and repeatedly wiped the excess blood on my pants watching it slowly make a smear of blood above my knee. I sighed and got up I went into my room and grabbed a polo shirt and a pair of khakis. I threw my suit on my bed and slipped on my clothes. I glanced at by alarm clock. 5:30 I told Carly and Sam I had A/V club meeting and it doesn't last for 3 hours. I settled on the excuse that the projector caught on fire and headed to Carly's apartment. I stood in front of her door, and sucked in a breath. I plastered a fake smile on my face and went inside.

"Hey Carls, Puckett." I smirked.

"Hey Freddie," Carly smiled.

"Freddork," Sam chuckled looking up from her plate of ham.

I chuckled slightly; "Ow that insult hurt," I sat down beside Carly and glanced at the television, Girly Cow shocker.

"What happened you're really late," Carly said looking over at me for a second and then rapidly swinging her head back to the T.V.

"Projector caught on fire," I chuckled.

"Really," Sam laughed. "I thought your mommy had to give you a tick bath or you had to do some art-and-crafts," Sam laughed wildly.

I looked at her, I shouldn't be mad they didn't know. It hurt, a lot. I felt like sobbing and beating the crap out of her all at the same time. Before I could do anything I got up and ran. I ran straight into my room and collapsed on the floor. I know Carly was probably scolding at Sam for saying that, she wouldn't care. They would move on. I crawled through the apartment, desperately fighting tears; I had to get rid of this pain now. I let my hand trace around counters till I grabbed a knife. I pulled up my sleeve and made 5 quick, sharp cuts in-between my elbow and wrist. It wasn't deep enough to kill me, but it was deeper then my other cuts. I was afraid it might make another scar and I already had enough, from my past cuts that went deeper. I fought my tears and smiled. It hurt, but I felt better. I know I shouldn't have ran, 'I' don't do that, I make a snappy and stupid comment and then get punched. I went into the washroom and wrapped my arm in some gauze and headed for the door again for the second time.

I slowly opened the door and saw no one was around. "Carly, Sam!"

"Studio!" I heard from upstairs. I trudged upstairs and saw Carly and Sam in their separate bean bag chairs.

"Hey," I smiled.

"What happened you just ran out like lightning," Carly said looking up at me as I stood behind my tech cart.

"Oh," I searched my mind for a good excuse. "I forgot to call Gibby to see if everything was okay,"

"Projector?"

"Projector," I chuckled.

Sam turned to face me, "so loser," she got up and faced me. "What's up?" she smashed the laptop on my fingers causing me to yelp.

"Ow," I silently cursed and looked at my red throbbing hand and cradled it, "What's your issue!" I yelled.

"You!" she laughed as she pushed me back causing me to hit the door.

"Guys," Carly got her spray bottle and started spraying Sam in her face.

"Okay, okay," she backed away from me. I couldn't help but laugh at the fact that Sam was backing away from water.

"Why are you laughing?" Sam shot me a look and I shut up.

"Nothing," I looked down at my shoes, I suddenly realized I was still wearing my dress shoes not my converse.

"So..." the awkward silence over took then room.

"Okay, I'm hungry want anything," Carly said breaking the silence.

"Sure," she stepped towards the door and looked over at Sam and me, "Don't kill each other."

"No promises," Sam smiled. Her lip curled upwards and her eyes immediately turned into a sky blue when food was mentioned. I snapped my thoughts back. Why am I thinking about Sam?

"What are you looking at?" Sam question. She tilted her head to the left causing her hair to fall on her face.

"Nada," (A/N: Freddie's Spanish! I still wonder why it's used... Nada means: nothing)

"Whatevs," she shrugged and walked back to the bean bag chair. I smiled and went back towards my tech cart. I outstretched my arm and felt a pang of pain surge through my arm. Stupid deep cut. I bit my lip and ignored it.

Carly rushed into the room with a plate with fruit kabobs, "Hey I have food...Freddie you alright?"

"Huh, yea," I grabbed a fruit kabob causing me to stretch my arm again. I sucked in a sharp breath and bit my lip again.

"You sure," I turned to see even Sam was giving me a concerned look.

"Yup, I'm good," a thought crossed my mind, "BRB," I ran to the door.

"No one says BRB dork," Sam yelled as I ran down the stairs.

I rushed into the washroom and locked the door. I pulled up my sleeve and saw that some blood seeped through the gauze. "Shit," I mumbled I couldn't change my gauze here, they would find the bloody gauze in the trash; I took it off and stuffed it in my pocket. I searched the cupboards and saw they had no gauze, I had to go to my apartment. I pulled my sleeve down and unlocked the door. I slowly peeked through the door after I creaked it open; I saw no one around and bolted to the front door only to see Sam and Carly on the couch, are they following me? I grabbed the door knob.

"Freddie?" I froze and planted a false smile.

I turned around and faced them. "Yes?"

"Where are you going?" Carly said staring me down.

"Umm," before I could come up with a proper answer Sam spoke up.

"Going to mommy's?" she laughed. I snapped.

Yea chapter one!!! And now preview to chapter 2:

"Don't Move!" I heard Sam's voce and turned to face a teary eyed Carly and an angry Sam.

"What?" I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. "Don't make me use this," I felt like I was on the verge of insanity.

For sure it will be updated by tomorrow!

R&R

Peace V