Author's Note: Hello there!

Sorry for tricking you with implied sexy-times, but I love a bit of suggestive innuendo. I do have a sexier sex scene written out, but I need my Purple Prose editor to okay it before I show it to the masses! This is for your own good, of course. ;P I was still nervous posting what I did post and it wasn't even explicit! Eek! So please send some criticism my way, lovelies.

Also, apologies for a bit of an extended "vacation"; life just gets crazy sometimes, doesn't it? Let's all quit our day jobs and write pron all day! Yay!

A Disclaimer: I still don't own the characters or setting. Sadly. I maybe own the imagined second (third? fourth?!) floor of the Gnawed Noble Tavern, but that is so stretching it. :P

Life was hard when you had the love of a good woman and a room full of peeping toms.

The sun had given up on its voyeurism by the time we were leaving the bedroom. Unfortunately for us, our companions were not as weak-willed as the sun in this regard and were anticipating our instincts for survival to kick in eventually; we had used up a lot of energy and needed some food, especially with our Grey Warden metabolism. They were ready, waiting to pounce as soon as the door betrayed our confidence by creaking.

I will be speaking to your manager about this, I thought sternly at it. Its only response was to rudely open widely, revealing the eager, demonic faces awaiting their prey.

"This is going to be fun," I coughed to my partner in love, battle, and crime. Aliara wasn't intimidated by their vulture-like positions, of course, merely striding into the room as though she owned it. Which she did, actually, considering she's the one who paid for it, but it is very hard to ignore the way those hips moved when she walked so purposefully.

(She walked purposefully all the time, but I sometimes chose to ignore this simple fact because I just like having an excuse to look at her posterior. Not that I needed an excuse anymore, but still. I am a Grey Warden and I must be vigilant and cautious at all times! Especially when watching bottoms.)

Everyone had gone silent as the door ratted us out and no one dared speak until our leader did, throwing an exasperated look for all to catch as she dryly commanded: "First smart comment and I feed you all to the darkspawn."

I nearly had tears in my eyes as I reverently whispered to her, "See? This is why I love you." She sighed, but smiled happily at me before heading to the outer door.

A dutiful chorus of Yes ma'am's was heard before the door clicked shut behind her, sealing my doom. I swear I could hear every head in that room turning to lock their creepy-eyed gazes at me.

I think Sten actually twisted his huge neck off to manage it.

I wondered where, strategically, the best place would be – to hide. I may be a Grey Warden and Sidekick to the best damn Hero ever, but I'm not stupid. I couldn't take these beasts on by myself.

Hell, I couldn't even take them on with an army.

There was a spot between Wynne and Leliana but they were giving me the most deviously innocent looks I'd ever seen, and that was enough to make me consider just making the Archdemon spend five minutes with them teasing him; he'd rethink this whole Destroy the World plan and instead go the route of Run Away! I really needed to discuss this plan with my fellow Warden the next time we spoke. Which likely wouldn't be for a while as she was getting enough food to feed all of us – and because I simply wasn't sure I could survive her talking now that I'd survived her not-talking. They were both very dangerous modes for my heart to deal with; not-talking implied sexy time while talking implied teasing me about aforementioned sexy time.

I think my catatonic state inspired the others to speak again, because there was murmuring and Looks. I realized now I was nervous not because they would tease me, but because maybe they would tell her how I stood frozen the entire time she was gone; how I was a coward and not good enough for her and try to convince her to jump Zevran instead.

That was enough to get me moving and shouting. Embarrassing shouting, in fact, something along the lines of: "So which of you is going to tease me first? Let's just get it out of the way already!"

Incredibly stupid move on my part: Now we're inviting them to tease us? At least I knew who to blame for ruining what was left of my brain.

Morrigan was smirking now and holding out her hand, onto which Sten and Wynne were grumpily placing coins. I suppose my confusion gave them a small bit of joy, because they informed me everyone had placed bets as to how long I could stand the silence. Zevran had timed me. Traitor!

Turns out I only lasted five minutes before shouting like a loon. Wynne had bet two minutes and Sten had bet an hour. I was feeling warmly towards him for once until he explained his reasoning: "You heard the yelling last night, he certainly proved his stamina to…most of Denerim." His disapproving glare at me for losing him money had me almost wetting myself.

Wynne was retorting with: "Stamina he has, certainly, but don't forget his spirit. He has as much tolerance for silence as a five year old girl at a party!"

Now I was pouting. "Five year old girl? Isn't that a little cruel, even for you?"

From Leliana's corner of this horrific arena came: "Yes, he didn't sound like a five year old girl last night, he sounded quite manly. I only stuck with Morrigan's bet because I thought she would hex him before he even walked out the door and then none of us would have to pay up. Gambling is a sin in the Maker's eyes, you know." Her rationale wasn't helping much, either.

"So, did you take my advice, my knightly friend?" Zevran was going to get punched in the face if he kept turning his seducer eyes on me; I was a taken man now! "You know, the thing with the tongue I told you about? Even beginners can catch on to that trick rather quickly and women do love it so…"

Yes, I decided, jumping out the window was a very good life choice. We were only on the second floor, so I would likely only break one or two bones. I wasn't in the state of mind to avoid any injuries, but I was willing to take one for the team. The team being my mental health.

"We already know that he's got plenty to use, so I don't see how my advice could hurt him," Zevran was arguing patiently with Leliana, who retorted with: "But new lovers should discover each other's bodies for themselves without the taint of other people's knowledge!"

"Only if they don't want to orgasm, Leliana, and we all know that without that, sex is just about making tiny, squalling people. I am quite positive that neither of them was hoping to make children last night." Zevran sounded a bit too comfortable discussing what exactly I had been doing behind locked doors.

Defense mechanism engaged!

"La la la, I can't hear any of you!" I howled, in my manliest of manly tones, while covering my ears with both hands.

"I thought I told all of you not to break him and that I would be very irate with you if you did as such!" My savior!

Ooh and lunch! Aliara nearly had an entire wheelbarrow full of food that she shoved into the door. "Please, people, don't all help at once." Ah, her tart voice enraptured me; I floated across the room to move the burden for her, smiling like a fool the entire time, no doubt.

She was grinning at me, though, and it was rather hard to hate everyone else in the room when she looked so happy. "See? My advice helped. She's glowing; looks like she had an excellent night. Or maybe I mean Knight, yes?"

A metal container full of hot water might have fallen out of my hands and onto Zevran's stupid lap as he punned. Maybe.

His high-pitched shriek of pain was so worth the scolding I received. So was the enormous blush on my paramour's face when I suggested that she spank me in punishment and the laughter of all our friends as she calmly told me to hold still while she got her shield for the spanking. The laughter I heard in the distance as I was already running away like a scared little girl.

Like I said, I'm not stupid.

It was my turn to blush when I came back an hour later to find Morrigan looking shocked and giving me the once-over as my lover made a hand gesture that I'm sure indicated a specific length. "Where does he hide it?" made me bash my head on the nearest wall, however.

I will never ever live that down. When I asked Wynne to help me darn the holes in my clothes, she asked me – I will never think of grandmothers as innocent ever again – if she needed to sew extra material into the front of my pants, if maybe they were a bit too tight for my needs.

Women!