The Hypochondriac-

Chapter 3: A Plan

…

The next morning Hogan came out to see Ronald telling the guards about how they should disinfect their helmets or they might go bald.

"You see, if you don't clean the inside of the helmet and disinfect it, it will get germs and bacteria, then the bacteria and germs will crawl into your scalp and eat away at your hair and in some mild cases they may crawl even deeper and get to your brain causing a whole multitude of problems!" Ronald was telling them so calmly, as though he were giving a college lecture or something.

Hogan had heard enough. "What's going on?"

The guards had very worried looks on their faces. Even Schultz seemed well beyond frightened. "Oh, Colonel Hogan, Sergeant Conway was telling us about how we should always keep our helmets disinfected or we might get brain damage or loss of hair!" Schultz turned to the other guards. "Do you think that maybe that's what happened to the Kommandant? He used to be in action in the last war, perhaps he never disinfected his helmet and that's why he is now bald!"

The guards nodded and agreed! "And why he's so pretty slow, the germs and bacteria must have gotten too deep and damaged his brain!"

Hogan rolled his eyes, sure it was funny what they were saying but it was ridiculous all the same! He turned to look at Sergeant Conway but found him gone. Hogan looked around and saw that he'd moved on to the other guards.

Hogan couldn't stop him so he shrugged and let him go.

The looks on the guards faces were of pure terror. They quickly removed their helmets or their gloves or shoes for fear that the germs and bacteria would seep into the skin and give them leprosy or, brain damage or that they might lose their opposable thumbs!

Hogan was no doctor but he knew that it wasn't likely that anything like that could happen from wearing shoes, gloves or a helmet, if at all. Hogan moved on and went to stand by Kinch who was by the barracks. Everyone else was cleaning and polishing and scrubbing the inside of the barracks. Newkirk and Lebeau were, however, elsewhere.

It wasn't long before most of the camp including most of the guards were infected with Hypochondria.

Klink came out of his office and stood on his porch. He saw Kinch and Hogan standing by the barracks chatting. The rest of the prisoners were inside cleaning, from what Klink could tell through the open door. He glanced around the rest of the camp. Guards had their helmets and gloves off. Some were by the well, away from their posts cleaning their helmets, gloves and shoes with the water. Schultz was sitting on the porch, his shoes and gloves off, cleaning his helmet. "What is going on here!?" Klink yelled filled with annoyance.

Schultz jumped up to salute the Kommandant, however not having shoes on and considering there was freshly fallen snow, he hopped from one foot to the other from the cold. "H-herr Kommandant!"

Schultz, who was still hopping from foot to foot, lowered his salute. "Sergeant Conway, said that if we don't keep our helmets disinfected we may lose our hair or get brain damage from the germs and bacteria in them."

Klink looked at Schultz and nodded and with his usual sarcasm said, "Oh I see, then by all means clean your helmet in fact let me do it for you!"

Schultz took him seriously. "Thank you Herr Kommandant!"

Klink was annoyed that Shultz didn't catch his sarcasm. "Schultz! Back to your post!"

Schultz saluted and quickly put his boots, gloves and helmet on and ran to his post, however he quickly ran back for his rifle that he left leaning on the steps.

Klink shook his head. Klink looked over and saw that Hogan hadn't been paying attention. Or had he? Klink would have to keep an eye on the American officer.

Hogan looked up and saw Klink watching him. "I wonder what the bald eagle wants." Hogan said casually.

Kinch looked up. "Dunno, maybe you should go check."

Hogan smiled. "Nah, he can come to me."

The day passed very slowly for Hogan and by nightfall the entire camp was infected, save for a select few who actually had brains… and Klink as well. It was evening roll call.

"Olsen,"

"Yup."

"Carter,"

"Uh-huh."

"Kinch,"

"Of course,"

"Lebeau,"

There wasn't an answer.

Schultz looked up from his list and looked around. Lebeau and Newkirk weren't in their places, in fact they weren't there at all!

"Colonel Hogan!"

"Yeah I'm here Schultz." Hogan said pretending that he thought Schultz was calling his name for roll call.

"No Colonel Hogan! Where are Newkirk and Lebeau?"

"They escaped with Conway."

Schultz nearly had a heart attack. "Escaped?"

"REPORT!" Klink came stomping out of his office ready to hear the words 'all present and accounted for'. However he wouldn't have such luck.

"Herr Kommandant, three prisoners have escaped."

Klink nearly dropped the monocle out of his eye. "Who?" He demanded.

Schultz looked at his list. "Corporal Newkirk, Corporal Lebeau and Sergeant Conway."

"He WAS doing it to escape!" Klink said, his fist balled. "Hogan!"

Hogan came forward. "Yes, Kommandant?"

"Where are your men?"

"They escaped. Your guards were too busy making sure their helmets were disinfected and their boots were clean to pay attention to the fact that he walked right out the front gate." Hogan sighed as though he were disappointed in the German officer.

Klink's eyes bugged out. "Release the dogs! We will find these prisoners!" He turned to prepare and Schultz called the alarm and got the men together to go out and search.

Hogan approached Klink, "Colonel may I suggest searching the farm not far from here?"

Klink looked at Hogan. "No you may not!" Although he was going to look there anyway, he just didn't want Hogan to think that he had helped in HIS capture. Klink was going to get the credit and no one else!

"Oh and Sir, when you find him keep him away from my men he's a bad influence." Hogan said acting as though he were a worried mother and didn't want his children playing with such a juvenile delinquent.

"Very well, he'll have the cooler until he is transferred." Klink agreed, he didn't want his men around him either.

Klink mounted himself in the motorcycle and he and the Germans guards went out the gate. Hogan returned to his men and filed them inside.

"Sir, you mean, he was lying just to throw off the guards so he could escape?" Carter asked.

"Yes, Carter, I didn't find out about it until later on, so Newkirk and Lebeau went with him to keep an eye on him. Seems he's quite an actor."

"Then we wont get Leprosy from wearing our shoes?" The young man was still barefoot.

Hogan nodded. His plan worked.

Carter bit his lip then raced into the colonel's office and took his shoes and socks back. He came out with everyone else's and they claimed them back as well.

It wasn't long before Klink returned with Conway, Newkirk and Lebeau. The three were put into a cell and held there. Newkirk and Lebeau got thirty days in the cooler and Conway was to be transferred the next day.

Newkirk and Lebeau sat on the bunk chatting casually while Conway rocked back and forth in the corner like a frightened child. He kept mumbling words like, 'dirty, germs, filthy, doom, I'm dying,' and so on. His eyes darted around as though he were looking for the germs that were going to jump at him.

In the morning, Hogan went into Klink's office to get Newkirk and Lebeau out of the cooler while Conway would be escorted out later.

"Sir, can I speak to you about Lebeau and Newkirk?"

"No." Klink said bluntly.

"Sir, may I explain?"

Klink huffed and sighed then nodded.

"Thank you. You see, I didn't know that Conway was trying to escape but Newkirk and Lebeau did. They told me yesterday and said they would lead him to the farm for you to find them so that he could be transferred out once caught because he is such a bad influence on my men, especially Carter."

Klink looked at Hogan. "Why especially Carter?"

"Oh, well he's really gullible." Hogan said matter-of-factly.

Klink nodded. "So your men led him to the farm for me to catch just to get him out of here because he's causing so much trouble?"

Hogan nodded. Good Klink was buying it.

Klink nodded. I see, very well, Newkirk and Lebeau will be released at once.

Hogan thanked the Kommandant and returned to his barracks.

Kinch knew that his commanding officer had succeeded.

Conway was transferred to another Stalag who immediately put him into a psyche ward, who then sent him back to London. He was out of everyone's hair. Well, except London's.

That night Hogan, Kinch, Newkirk and Lebeau sat down by the radio chatting, waiting for Carter to return from a quick mission.

"It was bloody brilliant to let 'im go around and scare the guards the way 'e did. That way they were distracted by their helmets and what not. Then convince him to escape to a cleaner place, sneak out through the barbed wire, take him to the barn, and wait for Klink to come and get 'im. Absolutely brilliant, Sir."

"Thank you Newkirk." Hogan was just as happy.

"Now we wont have to deal with that nut case again!" Lebeau was nearly bouncing in his seat.

"Hopefully not!" Hogan was glad that at least the majority of his team retained their sanity, as for Carter well that was another story.

Kinch heard footsteps. "Carter is back from retrieving that pilot." They weren't going to tell him about the plan they had made, he might revert to a hypochondriac or a germophobe.

Carter turned the corner and was followed by the pilot he picked up.

"'ello ol' chaps! Colonel Crittendon at your service!" The British officer saluted rather eccentrically as he usually did.

Hogan put his head in his hands. Why was this war full of crazy people?

….

Okay well that's it. I thought I was going to need another chapter but I guess I was wrong. Hope you liked it. I'm working on another story too. I hope to have the first chapter for that up in a day or so. It's called Young and Gullible!