Daddy liked to tell people that Gracie was born with her fists clenched shut only because there was nothing sparkly to reach for in the birth canal. Audrey didn't know if that was true or just one of Daddy's exaggerations (like the time he shouted to the man on the phone that he was going to use his fucking head to mix fucking concrete if he didn't get him those goddamn blueprints by midnight), but she was pretty sure that the first thing Gracie grabbed after being born was Audrey's glitter hair tie. And she was even surer that anything embroidered or stamped "Property of Audrey Bass" would find its way into Gracie's fingers or mouth in eight seconds or less on the clock.

Six seconds, Daddy! She's got my tap shoes again!

She wont hurt them, Audrey. And put that watch down before you scratch it.

Daddy would hoist his baby girl on his shoulders and march her out of the playroom, sticky baby hands gripping his dark hair and slimy baby drool hitting his collar, while Grace grinned back over his shoulder. Audrey would ignore her smirk (Mommy said babies don't wink or smirk or make faces, but Audrey knew better) and would set the big silver stopwatch on her art table (it said CBB on the back because it was Daddy's) and would take out her red leather notebook with the gold AWB at the bottom and would open to the first page.

At the top it said B.G.N.B., and that meant "Baby Grace's Naughty Book." Today, she drew a picture of a tap shoe and next to it she wrote the number 6. The shoe was under the picture of a doll and the number 4. At the top of the page was a dress with flashy squiggles all over it and the number 1.

Because if she didn't keep track of these things, who would?

Mommy and Daddy never cared much when Gracie put the wrong things in her mouth. But they got very annoyed when she wouldn't put the right things in her mouth. Like her dinner. Mommy and Daddy played silly baby games with her—pretended her spoonfuls of mashed-up peas were horsies or choo-choos or airplanes—but Gracie just screwed her mouth shut tight and let the peas hit her fat cheeks, where they dried and fell off in crusty flakes and got stuck in her black curls.

Gross.

This baby needs some manners, Mommy.

Audrey pinched Gracie's cheeks together, and her lips fell open, and the spoon popped right in. Mommy didn't like that and said things like "gentle" and "careful" and "just a baby" as she ran across the kitchen to the highchair.

But Gracie swallowed all the peas and smiled at Audrey, showing two little teeth on the bottom of her mouth. Audrey filled the spoon up again and Gracie opened her mouth for it. And this time, after she swallowed Grace said, "Yum."

And Mommy and Daddy both agreed that Audrey was the best baby trainer in New York. Much better than the lady who gave those expensive classes at the 92nd Street Y.

Audrey took her duties very seriously, because training a baby was an important job. She had to follow Gracie around the house to make sure she didn't break or spit up on any of Mommy's and Daddy's (and Audrey's) nice things. She had to practice singing silly songs while standing on her head for the times when Gracie cried so hard her face turned purple. Sometimes she even had to hide behind the bedroom door and spy on Gracie in her crib, because babies were their naughtiest when they thought no one was watching. (Mommy gave her a black hat and sunglasses to wear, so Gracie wouldn't recognize her even if she saw Audrey peeking).

Despite all this hard work, though, Gracie was still a very naughty baby. She still chewed Daddy's shirt cuffs and pulled Mommy's hair and drooled on Audrey's favorite Steiff rabbit and screeched when they watched Gigi or My Fair Lady.

Pushing Gracie in the baby swing at the Ancient Playground in Central Park, Audrey wondered if she would ever get trained. Maybe she was just a bad baby. A big orange leaf fell from the tree and landed in Audrey's hair, and she brushed it away with a sigh. Not even jumping in leaf piles sounded like fun when Grace was so very, very naughty.

That baby's fat and ugly!

A big pile of leaves fell on Audrey and Grace. Gracie shook her head and Audrey pushed them out of her eyes. Brayden Archibald laughed and ran to grab another pile.

Ignore him, Gracie. He's just a butthead.

Audrey had to whisper the last word so Mommy didn't hear and send her to time-out again. But Gracie heard it and giggled.

Butthead, Audrey whispered, and Gracie laughed even harder.

Butthead, butthead, butthead.

Gracie had the hiccups she was laughing so hard, and when Brayden came back to fling more leaves at them, Gracie threw up milk all over the front of his sweater.

Serves you right, Poo Poo Breath! Don't make fun of my baby sister!

Audrey didn't even mind the time-out for bad words, because she couldn't stop laughing while she remembered Brayden's crying when he saw Gracie's spit-up all over his clothes. Maybe Gracie didn't need a baby trainer after all. Maybe a bad baby sister could come in quite handy.

Good job, Gracie, Audrey whispered into the stroller as she crossed back over Fifth Avenue, holding Mommy's hand.

Next time, aim for his face.