The Magic Hottiez by Ziegod Lizski

Chapter 1

            The sky was uncharacteristically clear for a September day in London, and aside from the muggle smog, it was proving to be a very lovely day indeed. Enid Greenbriar, however, did not notice this as she charged down the sidewalk, heading for Diagon Alley, walking as though the whole city was in her command. And it could have been, actually, for she was attractive enough to make most men grovel at her feet—very pretty, as the boys at Hogwarts used to say…for a Slytherin—and a very dark Slytherin at that. Oh, she wasn't a death eater, but she had aligned herself with a cause almost as terrible as Lord Voldemort's—the fashion industry.

            "Pedestrians have right of way, ass hole!" she shouted as she crossed the street, narrowly missing being hit by a taxicab.

             "Honestly," she thought, examining her reflection in the windows of parked cars,

"You'd think I'd get more respect around here. I mean, I invented the bust-enhancing dress robe! I improved the lives of flat-chested witches everywhere…shows what those muggles know."

            "You're late," her timid secretary said quietly, handing Enid her coffee.

            "Thanks, um, Lisa."

            "It's Lizzie," the secretary muttered under her breath, returning to her Jane Austen novel as Enid hurried into the meeting room.

            "Ah, Enid, good to see you," Achala Patil said, grinning as Enid took her seat at the head of the long meeting table, "We have a new assignment for you."

            "Oh really," she replied with mock interest.

            "As you probably know, Witch Weekly's sales have been lagging for the past two fiscal years, and in order to spice things up, I've been doing some research on the muggles, whose teen market is booming. I've read their teen magazines—tripe, most of it, but it sells. And mostly what they write about are these musical groups called 'boy bands,' which all the muggle teenagers go crazy about. Now, most of them aren't exactly talented, but the important thing is that it sells, so I've come up with a plan—We'll create a wizard boy band of our own!"

            This was the first good idea Achala Patil had in years, and the most appealing aspect to Enid was that it involved exploiting people. Enid loved exploiting people.

            "So," she said, "Where will we get the, um, talent for this band?"

            "That's the beauty of it! We'll get them from Hogwarts! I informed my daughters, Parvati and Padma," she smiled fondly and giggled, "Of the project, and they drew up a list of the five boys who they think should be in the band."

            "And what is my role in this project?"

            "The key to any band's success is that each member has his own distinct personality. I'm assigning you the job of inventing their personalities. We've informed the possible band members of your arrival at Hogsmeade tomorrow for interviews."

            She handed Enid a stack of papers, each with a name, a short biography, and a picture on it. Quickly scanning over the names, she noticed that all of them were familiar—Potter, Weasley, Wood, Malfoy, and Longbottom. Yes, she thought to herself, this was going to be a bit of fun.

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