Harry Potter and Uncle Crimbo's Gift

By Guubear

Prologue: Journey's Beginning

…either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives…

Harry Potter was still seething silently on his way out of the infirmary after paying a visit to his wounded friends. Having just been told by the Headmaster not an hour ago that he was fated to either murder, or be murdered by his parents' killer, he felt like he had a right to be indignant at the absurdity of it all.

"WELL SO BE IT!" Harry let out an outburst and spun on his heels. Instead of heading back to his dormitory to sulk on his own like an average angsty white teen male - also, he should probably scrap the idea of cutting himself while listening to Linkin Park or Evanescence, but hey, getting a magical tattoo in memory of his dear dead godfather still sounded like a great idea in his head - he decided he should grab Fate by its ginormous horns and spank it like a Biatch with capital B.

His insane cackles reverberated ominously in the empty hallway as he headed toward the Divination Tower.

Harry caught his old Divination teacher in the middle of her drinking binge. Judging by the heap of empty Sherry bottles on floor, she had been at it first thing in the morning.

"Hullo, -hic- stranger." Sybil Trelawney greeted Harry with a brilliant smile while swaying drunkenly like Jack Sparrow on rum.

It doesn't matter who Jack Sparrow is, it has nothing to do with this story. Moving on.

Harry picked up an upturned chair and sat down in front of the drunk. "I need your help."

Trelawney gave the boy a double take and slowly put down the Sherry bottle she had been nursing all morning.

Harry elaborated. "I need you, who have the Inner Sight, to help me on my quest to spank Fate like a two-sickle crack ho high on potions until it calls me its daddy. Repeatedly." Harry paused for a moment and added, "And then I'll spank it some more. Just for kicks."

"And you want my help -hic- how, exactly?"

"By doing what you do best," Harry pointed at a deck of Tarot cards sitting on the window silt casually. "Tell me my fortunes."

"I see… A journey. Yes." Trelawney said slowly, clearing her throat a few times. "Pardon me my raspy voice. It seems I've caught a bad cold since last night." She closed her eyes and waved her shaky hands over the spread of Tarot cards Harry had picked off the deck. "The Chariot. See the wheely thing? A journey, I say!"

"O…K."

"The Wheel of Fortune, aha! Just as I see. The wheely thing again! You must go on a journey, a noble quest to spank Fate like a two-sickle crack ho high on potions until it calls you its daddy. Repeatedly." Trelawney paused for a moment and added, "and then you'll spank it some more. Just for kicks."

"Er… Good to know."

Trelawney flipped over another card. "The Fortitude. Hmm… I see. You shall gain strength on your journey. Probably learning a dozen different styles of muggle martial arts and what have you. The Japanese samurai sword – katana, I believe- sounds just like the weapon of choice, naturally. A firearm is just not badass enough."

Harry blinked stupidly at the woman who called herself a seer.

She flipped over the next card and gasped, "Oh my! The Magician! You shall gain great magical power too! Like mastering a legendary wand and learn to cast wordlessly and wandlessly despite having mastered a legendary wand. Oh, oh! And also, you shall learn powerful and obscure spells from a mythological civilization, probably Atlantis or something equally wonderful. And you shall learn how to become an animagus. And the said animagus form shall be so powerful, it's a magical form! And your Patronus shall change to a more impressive form than a common non-magical animal, like, say, a stag or something."

Harry was sure someone had put this woman up to prank him. Was it the Weasley twins? It had to be the Weasley twins!

Trelawney continued, "The Fool. Interesting. It is obvious now, that in order to spank Fate like a two-sickle crack ho high on potions until it calls you its daddy, repeatedly, and then you'll spank it some more, just for kicks, you'll need a obscene amount of wealth to achieve it. And by Merlin's hairy left nut, you shall have it - by possessing a ridiculous amount of sheer dumb luck!" She thought for a moment and added more as an after thought. "Oh, and by inheriting it from all your dead ancestors combine without having to exert any amount of effort for it, or by being polite to the right Goblin, probably the current king of the Goblin nation, so that the entire race like so much, they'll willing become your sugar daddy, giving you Goblin training and all that. Or something similar to that effect. Take your pick."

Harry was starting to think it took a severe lapse of judgment for him to come to this fraud for help. Look at the bright side; at least she was not foretelling his doom this time. It had to be some kind of improvement.

An hour later…

"… And Uncle Crimbo shall give you a priceless gift to compensate for the last 15 years of torment and suffering. You shall find it inside an old forgotten sock at the bottom of your school trunk." Trelawney put down the last card, The World, on the desk. She gestured dramatically at our zoned out hero and gave him her final advice. "Go on, find Uncle Crimbo's gift inside an old forgotten sock at the bottom of your school trunk now, and be on your quest to spank Fate like a two-sickle crack ho high on potions until it calls you its daddy. Repeatedly."

Harry hurrily stood up and left.

Trelawney said to Harry's retreating form in a low, booming voice, "And then you shall spank it some more! Just for kicks! For kicks, I say!"

Harry stared down dumbly at the yellow piece of parchment in his hand. All logical thought had escaped him at the moment.

~-~-~-~

Dear Harry,

To compensate for the last 15 years of torment and suffering, I hereby grant you a priceless gift. The incantation is 'Consentio Foramen'.

Use it well.

Love,

Uncle Crimbo

~-~-~-~

After Harry finally came back to his senses, he shrugged and set the piece of parchment on fire with a flick of his wand. Trust the Weasley twins to put up such an elaborate prank. Harry considered for a few seconds, and shrugged to himself again. Hey, what can go wrong?

"Consentio Foramen."

And the journey's begun.

A/N: Hi all. Me is back. Blame Rorschach's Blot for this. His stories brought my Muse back to life. FYI, 'Consentio Foramen' is pig Latin for 'Plot Hole.'