Utterly Problematic

Chapter 4 - Solved!

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The men from the meat market joined Hogan and Klink on the porch. "We could take those cows but they aren't meat cows." The man said.

Hogan and Klink looked at the man. "What?"

"They are milk cows." The man clarified. "I know a man who would want them though." He turned to Klink, "I could call him."

Klink led the man in and let him use the phone in the outer office. The other man stood closer to Hogan. "You received the message from London?"

Hogan looked at him astonished. He didn't say anything.

The man looked at him, the evil glare that he was receiving from the American officer was unspeakably frightening. "Sir?"

"Why did London send cows?" Hogan asked irritably.

"They are having trouble transmitting, the Germans hit and damaged their radio transmitter during a raid on London. They had to get a message to you some how."

"Do you know what the message is?" Hogan asked.

"Of course, I branded the message and numbered them." The man said simply.

"Then why couldn't you have told me?"

The man went to say something but couldn't think of anything to say. "I guess, I just wasn't thinking. And plus I'm in Dusseldorf, how would you get to Dusseldorf from here?"

"It would have been a lot easier than going through the couple hundred cows." Hogan said annoyed.

"Four hundred seventy five actually." The man informed.

Hogan saw Kinch run out of the barracks, almost get trampled and run up onto the porch.

"This is the man responsible for all our troubles." Hogan said introducing the man.

Kinch greeted him. "I have the message, Sir."

"You know Kinch we could have just waited for this fellow to come to the camp and give us the message." Hogan said with false cheer.

Kinch looked at him, lowering his hand with the message in it.

The man was stuck on the spot. He was the target of two angry American underground agents. Lucky for him, before the men could strangle him, Klink and the other man came out.

"A man in Hammelburg is coming to round them all up and take them to his ranch." He said eyeing the cows. "However, I'd like a few, say, four, for my farm." With his cigarette between his lips, he pulled out his wallet and handed Klink a fair amount of money for four cows. Klink's eyes bugged out when he saw the money and quickly stashed it away so Hochstetter didn't see it. There was no way he was sharing his profits.

After about ten minutes of running, the cows got bored and stopped, yanking Carter to a stop causing him to fall onto the ground. Lebeau and Newkirk crashed into the cows and the hungry German soldiers moved in. The three prisoners tried as hard as they could to get the cows moving but to no avail.

Just as the Germans got close enough the meat market man came up to pick out his cows. He eyed them. "I'll take the two your tied to, son, and the two behind you."

Carter was shocked. "But, but! You can't eat them!"

"I'm not going to eat them, they are milk cows, not meat cows." He said untying Carter's wrists and taking his four cows to his truck.

"Milk cows?" Carter asked rubbing his wrists. "You mean they aren't for eating?" He was more saying it as a statement.

The man turned, "That's right." Then took his cows away. His partner hurried to the truck so not to be caught in a fight with Hogan and Kinch.

Shultz and the other German soldiers looked at one another. "Milk cows?"

Carter, Newkirk and Lebeau hopped in a circle holding hands shouting, "Hooray! Hooray!"

Hogan dropped his head into his hand. Kinch looked at him sympathetically. It was always tough trying to work with those three. They weren't always very logical.

It wasn't long before the man from Hammelburg arrived with a couple trucks for the cows. He had to make multiple trips though.

Carter, Newkirk and Lebeau were sad to see them go.

Hogan and Kinch stood by the barracks, the men were cleaning it up. Newkirk, Carter and Lebeau were saying goodbye to all the cows. One by one. Carter had actually named all of them, somehow.

Hogan couldn't even think of one hundred names off the bat. How did Carter do it? He figured he had help from Newkirk and Lebeau. And how did he remember all the names?

There were only about a truck load of cows left. The man returned for the last time, Klink was out there watching, Hochstetter, who had, had enough, left with his men and avoided the whole deal. If one of Klink's prisoners escaped he wouldn't care. He had stepped in enough piles of you-know-what for the rest of his life.

Hogan felt the same.

The man was paying Klink for the last of the cows. He had fit all but two into the truck, it was Number Four and Little Hogan, the calf. They were standing next to Carter. It was nearly sunset and Carter had the saddest look on his face as he petted the creatures. Newkirk and Lebeau were standing by watching, also looking pretty sadly.

Hogan felt bad watching the young man and realized he was getting suckered over to his side. Hogan sighed and approached the Kommandant. "Colonel Klink," He started.

"Yes Hogan?" Klink said cheerfully as he looked at all his money.

"Listen, I think it would be a good idea to keep at least one of the cows."

Klink looked at him shocked.

"Just think, free milk!" He said pointing to Number Four. "The calf is a male too. When he's old enough you can send him after Hochstetter and say, 'he just got out of control'."

Klink thought about it. Free milk was nice, and chasing Hochstetter out of his camp was even better. And if he changed his mind later on he could always sell them. "Alright Hogan." Klink went to tell the man that Number Four and Little Hogan weren't for sale. He didn't seem to mind considering how many he'd gotten and agreed. He paid Klink the last amount for the last of the cows.

Klink was very happy to say the least.

Carter watched as the man came around the back of the truck. He knew the man was coming for Number Four and Little Hogan. However the man closed up the truck and got into the drivers seat.

Carter watched in astonishment as the man drove out of camp. Number Four looked up at him questioningly. Carter looked at Hogan who smiled lightly.

"Colonel?" Carter asked.

Hogan nodded. "They're staying."

Newkirk, Lebeau and Carter broke into a loud cheer and hugged the two cows.

Hogan watched as Klink went to put the money into his safe for the night. He'd put it in the bank tomorrow when it opened.

Shultz walked up, "Too bad we can't eat them." That received him a very dirty look from the men. He backed away slowly.

Little Hogan approached Big Hogan and gently nudged his leg. Hogan looked down at the small bovine. He looked into its big brown eyes and couldn't help but think it was cute. "Hey there little one." He playfully ruffled the short fur on its head. "Don't attack me again okay?"

The calf snorted an agreement and happily galloped over to its mother to head off to bed for the night.

Hogan had nearly forgotten, "Kinch what was the message?"

Kinch had forgotten too, with all the chaos. "I filled in the blanks." He said handing his commanding officer the paper.

Hogan read it:

BLOW UP THE MUNITIONS FACTORY SOUTH OF HAMMELBURG

Sounded simple enough. "Carter get some dynamite together. We have a mission tonight."

Carter nodded and raced off to the barracks and was soon followed by the others since it was getting dark now and they had to be inside the barracks after dark.

It was a busy day, and would be a busy night. Hogan knew he was going to get back, go to bed, get up for roll call then head straight back to bed the next morning. But first take a shower. And after that?

Well…

"Carter, Lebeau, Newkirk in my office!" Hogan said with a edge to his voice He stood in his bathrobe at his door. He had finished his shower only minutes ago.

The three men coward slightly and slowly made their way to the office to await the lecture they knew they'd get. He'd lecture them, get dressed then take them out to handle that munitions factory.

Kinch sat in the common room waiting. He could hear Hogan letting out his frustration at the men and hoped that he'd save some of the three for himself.

"You can't save every animal that comes your way! Cows are meant to be eaten!" Hogan's voice was stern, not angry or mean but stern.

"Colonel!" That was Carter. Kinch could tell the young man was surprised at his commanding officer. He certainly wasn't, he agreed.

After about five minutes of a harsh lecture the men filed out. They were clearly upset but they'd get over it very easily. Carter took it the hardest though.

Hogan closed his door again to dress then led the men out to complete their job. The job was pretty simple. Hogan took Newkirk, Lebeau and Carter out through the emergency tunnel. The job was relatively easy like any other job they usually had. Carter set the explosives on one side of the factory with Newkirk and Lebeau and Hogan set the others on the other side. They were due to go off in an hour, no more no less.

"Uhm, Colonel," Lebeau started as he set the timer. "I just want you to know that I only did it make them happy and-"

Hogan just looked at him with a lack of cheer on his face.

Lebeau stopped and went back to what he was doing.

Carter and Newkirk showed up, after they had finished and the four of them bamboozled out of there and headed back to camp as fast as they could.

It was nearly and hour when they got back. They came down the tunnel and found Kinch at the radio.

"Is London back on air?" Hogan asked.

"Yes, Sir! They said they were able to repair their transmitter. It still needs repairs but it will work over all.

"Good!" Hogan took the microphone from Kinch. "Mama Bear, do you read? This is Papa Bear!"

'Uh-oh." Kinch knew what was coming.

"This is Mama Bear, please continue Papa Bear." The voice was of a woman there was a man in the background Hogan could hear him.

Hogan let loose. "Why did you have to send the message on four hundred cows?"

There was a pause, "W-well… uhm. We thought it would be a good idea so that-"

"Good idea?" Hogan could not believe what he was hearing. "Do you know how many times I stepped in cow pies today? Or almost lost my hat to a cow's stomach, and how many of men got distracted by those blasted cows because of you?" Hogan wasn't going to ease up on them.

Newkirk, Lebeau and Carter knew they were still in trouble and exchanged glances of worry.

"Well, uhm, Colonel Crittendon though that-"

Hogan nearly crushed the microphone in his hand. "CRITTENDON?" His voice was a loud growl. "The man who came to pick up the cows from the meat market knew the message! He was only in Dusseldorf! I could have gotten out there more easily than going through all those ---- Cows!"

The men had never heard their commanding officer cuss! Newkirk quickly covered Carter's ears to shield him from the rest of the cusses that poured out of Hogan's mouth. Carter was in shock and possibly scarred for life. Newkirk wasn't sure.

London was certainly scarred for life. They knew better than to try another stunt like that again.

"If you think that Colonel Crittendon has the ---- brains to plan anything you better ---- think again! Don't EVER do such a stupid ---- stunt EVER AGAIN!"

By the time Hogan had finished his spiel and lecture he was breathing heavily. He felt better… somewhat.

The other side of the radio was silent. Hogan didn't wait around for their response he went straight to bed.

Newkirk took his hands off of Carter's ears and the men exchanged looks of shock because of their commanding officer. "Can 'e be court marshaled for that?" Newkirk asked.

The others shrugged.

Maybe a good night sleep would make him less grumpy. They just couldn't believe the events of the day had gotten to him so much, they were only cows after all. They decided not to disturb him for a long time. And if Shultz came in they would warn him about Hogan's grumpy attitude and save him the suffering and whiplash of the cusses that might come out at him. They might even save Klink if he tried to wake Hogan.

And so the men ventured up to the barracks with the sound of explosions off in the distance of the former munitions factory.

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The "----" are the cuss words! You can fill in the blanks if you want!