Disclaimer: I don't own FMA or the song used in this story!! ^^

"Brother, I'm begging you now: Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone. Okay?"

Alphonse shrugged on his coat as he stepped out the front door of the house, looking back at his silent older brother.

Edward stared blankly at Al, nodding slowly before closing the door. He walked up the stairs towards the bedroom he used to share with Roy, sitting himself down on the bed. He stared at Roy's side of the bed, which hadn't been made up ever since he left to fight a rebellion back at the East headquarters.

He could feel the guilt bearing down on him, why didn't he go? How could he have let Roy leave without him? Edward already knew the disadvantages of being in love with a military man, and yet, he still fell anyway. He didn't think of the consequences properly, didn't think of the pain he was going to be inflicting on himself if Roy died.

'But you never knew it was going to hurt this much.'

Edward clenched his metal hand into a fist. Maybe, maybe if he had been there to protect him, maybe he wouldn't be alone in the room. Maybe if he hadn't let Roy become so overconfident enough to think he could handle it without Edward, then nobody had to grieve for him.

Edward buried his face into his pillow. Those were all such stupid excuses for crying. Edward knew himself well enough to know that it wasn't the fact that Roy had died in the battlefield that made him feel like nothing mattered; it was the very fact that he wasn't there. He wasn't there to hold Roy's hand one last time, he wasn't there to tell Roy how much he loved him. He wasn't there to share Roy's last moments with him.

He wasn't even there to say goodbye.

Edward turned on his side and grabbed Roy's pillow, inhaling the familiar scent of the strange mixture of mint and ash.

Roy's unconditional love for him.

The very thing that kept him going through each day. It was slowly killing him. Draining him of energy, the will to live.

Was Edward that unworthy to receive even the smallest amount of happiness in life?

He returned Al's body back to normal, even though he had to give up his right leg to retain Al's memories. While he got to fulfill his promises, Roy would never be able to attain his lifelong goal.

But no matter how much Roy said that he was damned to spend his afterlife in hell, Edward felt that God would never let someone like that be condemned to such pain, not after paying back his debts through all the people he had helped and saved.

Was there anything Edward could love that he couldn't damage? Bad things always resulted whenever he cared for someone, worse to those he truly wanted to protect.

Getting up slowly, his dim golden eyes searched the room, looking for something. When he found it, he picked up the object, smiling to himself as he looked down on the picture, reminiscing happy memories.

Tears stung his eyes as his hand shook, it was so painful to remember everything that once was, but it tortured him even more to think of the future that will never happen.

Edward stood and walked to the closet, rifling through the clothes for something warm to put over his sweater. Something blue caught his eye near the end of the rack, and when he finally got to it, he took it from the hanger and slipped it on, inserting the picture into his pocket.

Grabbing the keys on the way out the door, he locked the door behind him and inhaled the cold evening air. Picking some flowers from the garden, he made his way to the Central cemetery.

To Where You Are (Chloe Agnew version)

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear

It had only been 3 days since Edward had last been here. The funeral and burial of the Colonel had gone by so fast that he couldn't react in time. He could barely remember the day the letter came. All he could remember was the hard, ice cold truth that invaded his heart and wrenched it so painfully that he couldn't gasp for breath. His lungs seemed to malfunction and a nauseating feeling stabbed deep in his stomach, he wanted to throw up right then and there. After that, his vision went hazy and he blacked out.

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be (?)
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

The morning after was even worse. Waking up with the feeling of emptiness, it had taken him about a full minute before everything rushed back into his head, the letter lying on the table, mocking him. He dimly remembered Alphonse and Winry coming into the room and helping him sit up so that they could take turns in feeding him. He also remembered the whole squad passing by once, they're faces so grim that Edward had broken down and kept apologizing to them, saying that it was his fault.

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile

If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Edward sighed, stopping in front of the freshly dug grave that was placed beside Hughes'. There were flowers newly planted there, probably the work of Lieutenant Hawkeye. He sat down on the soft soil and stared at the gravestone, running his hands over the letters neatly carved into it. The tears that had been gathering threatened to overflow, but this time, he didn't hold back, this time, he let them go.

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above
And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

He lay his head on the mound of dirt, his tears making small, dark spots on the soil beneath him. He pressed his ear into the earth, because if he listened hard enough, he could hear a heart beating below him. If he felt hard enough, he could still feel warm arms wrapping around him, embracing him. If he closed his eyes, he could still see Roy leaning over him, with a gentle smile on his face, whispering 'I love you' into his ear.

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Countless times, he had already told himself that Roy was gone, that he was never coming back. He had accepted the fact that Roy had finally gone and joined Hughes, wherever they were. But that didn't mean that he had let go. No matter how much he told himself that he was okay, a small part of himself clung onto the false hope that Roy was still alive. That this was all just one big practical joke and Roy would come bursting in through the front door any minute. Edward knew he was only going to cause himself more pain when he finally woke up to reality, but, for a small moment, he wanted to tell himself that Roy was coming home to him. That, in the morning, Roy would be there and he would kiss him good morning, just like always.

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

But Roy was never going to come back.

And that only made it harder for him to let go.