Careless

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager, its characters, etc. belong to Paramount.

Author's Note: This story is actually the combination of two separate POV stories, originally titled "Careless" and "Ambivalence." Several reviewers suggested combining the two as alternating chapters so I thought I would experiment :)

Chapter 1--Chakotay

For about the thousandth time, Chakotay wondered why he was doing this. It had been rather flattering at first, although he wasn't one who usually gravitated towards flattery. It had been a welcome diversion from the day-to-day stresses of Voyager, although he was normally quite content with his life outside of his duties. And, if he truly admitted to the deepest whisperings of his heart, it had been a way to punish her and maybe himself too, although it was never anything he would have consciously planned to do.

But now, suddenly, it had become so much more. It had become a path leading towards an almost-love, almost-antipathy that he just couldn't seem to follow. It had become unreal pleasure. It had become too-real torture. It had become guilt.

And of all things, he wasn't a man who dealt in guilt. But at this point, he didn't know how to pull himself from the mire.

When Seven had first approached him, he had almost laughed. He had heard rumors that the Doctor had been tutoring her on interpersonal relationships, specifically of the romantic genre, but he had never expected to become an active variable in the experiment. He and Seven had never been particularly close or even particularly friendly with one another; in fact, the only other member of the crew he had once harbored such antipathy towards had been Tom Paris. Yes, their unintentional mission on Ledos had gone a long way towards helping them understand one another, and he had finally begun to see the potential that Kathryn was immersed in when it came to her Borg protégé. But he had never thought that their tentative friendship would progress any further.

And then she had asked him out.

Chakotay was not an unkind man, and he had seen the fear of rejection in her eyes that belied the offhand passivity of her words. And so he had accepted with some trepidation. And then been pleasantly surprised.

Dating and romantic relationships were totally new to Seven, a facet of humanity previously unexplored, and her refreshing innocence tamed by her not-quite-admitted hesitance brought a lightness to his heart that was entirely unexpected. He found himself captivated, if not necessarily by her, then by the experience of teaching someone so open and unencumbered by past heartaches about what it meant to give yourself to someone else.

In many ways he could be honest with her. He didn't have to manipulate her into spending time with him by couching it in terms of work. He didn't have to temper the smile that would spread across his face when she walked into a room. He didn't have to hide his feelings and pretend with every ounce of his self-control that their relationship was purely platonic.

In many ways, it was freeing.

But in other ways, and in all the wrong ones, he felt the shackles of his bondage cutting even more sharply. Because despite the simplicity of his relationship with Seven, despite the straightforwardness of his blossoming feelings for her, it was still wrong.

Wrong for him and wrong for her. Because when it came down to it, he was wrong. Wrong for stepping onto this path in the first place, wrong for encouraging something that he knew would never have a happy ending. Wrong for turning his back on Kathryn.

And he had turned his back. On her. On his promises. On his hopes and dreams and every ounce of the someday that had kept him going every day for the past years on-board Voyager. And when you derailed yourself from the driving force that kept you going, you simply went nowhere.

That was where Chakotay was. Stopped in his tracks.

And then the Admiral came and suddenly everything in his life snowballed into an avalanche whose incipient fury buried him far below the surface of his good intentions.

Number one, they got home.

And number two, she told Kathryn.

To be continued…