-Amaris-

My dreams were quiet now. As if the darkspawn had never existed. I was not fool enough to believe that however, though at times my mind wished it so. Without the darkspawn who knows what could have happened. Would Nelaros still be alive? Would the Arl's son still have ruined the wedding? I believe he would have. Without the darkspawn I would have died either by Vaughn's hand or at the hands of the executioner. I would have never met him. I felt my heart stop in my chest and tears burn my eyes. I could not do this to him. He had a duty to fulfill and I was standing in the way.

I rose gently from the bed, freezing as he shifted in his sleep. His eye brows furrowed for a moment, as he muttered something inaudible, smirking ever so slightly as he thumbed his nose. Peaceful dreaming. I thought, pulling on my cold tunic and gear. I moved across the room to a small table, putting quill to parchment. The letter was much harder to write than I had feared it to be. Everything in me ached; this was not what I wanted. I would pay dearly for this decision, but this was for Ferelden. Without him to lead their armies Ferelden would fall to some future threat.

I climbed down from the balcony and slipped over the castle walls. He would not know I was gone until the morning. I could not bear to think of his reaction when my letter was found. I hated myself for not having the strength to face him, for not having the will to leave him properly. My father would have called me a coward for sure. I caught myself wondering what my mother would have said. She had been a proud woman unafraid to speak her mind. I rubbed my forehead, kicking a stray stone off the road.

What was I thinking? I was a Grey Warden, strong and noble. I shook my head, no not noble. Through everything I had been through and everything I had done for the good of Ferelden; I was still a child from the Alienage, broken and unsure of herself. It was moments like this I wondered if the tables had been turned if Shianni had saved me, and been taken by Duncan, if I would have ever known him. Would Shianni have made it through the Joining? Would he have fallen in love with her, and would she be in my shoes now? Hurrying away from the only ones she had ever loved.

The sound of horses caught my ears then and I moved off the road into the forest. No one could know or see me. I could not afford him find out or even have an idea of which direction I had run. I had put a barrier in place to stop him should he try to hunt me down. Wynne would stop him, if only because it was for his own good. I could imagine what she would tell him, and my heart tore a new, my eyes burning with tears again.

Everything in me wanted to stop and dash back; hurtle the castle wall and climb back to that balcony; gently sliding into my place beside him, but I didn't. Each dawn saw me farther and farther from home. By the second week I was standing at the foothills of the Frostback mountains; the same mountains where Morrigan had disappeared. I hoped that they would hide me as well as they had hidden her from the world. I entertained the thought momentarily that I would meet her here but dismissed it immediately. Morrigan did not wish to be found and so she would not be.

As I stood at the crossroads I found myself being pulled in the direction of Orzammar. Shayle would be there; assisting the new noble woman of the Ortan Thaig. Shayle had returned to Orzammar with Orghen mere weeks ago. If there was one being I could speak to it was Shayle. She did not judge me as fleshlings would; no, I could not burden even Shayle with my choice. She had another life now, one that did not include me. I forced myself westwards into the mountains. I was a wanderer now, homeless and alone, to suffer with my decision. Forgive me my love…forgive me.