Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine.

"I tell you, I'd like to have a long talk with whichever crazed author is writing my life," Sirius sighed, as he slammed the dorm door and flopped down on his bed in exhaustion.

" You're not still on about that, are you," James asked from his own corner of the room, where he was flipping backwards through a quidditch magazine.

"Hmm?" Remus looked up from his Care of Magical Creatures homework. "On about what?"

Peter, who was sitting beside Remus, copying from his friend's diagram, explained. "Remember that lecture on muggle literature we had in class yesterday?"

"Yeah? "

"Well, you missed it last night, but Sirius is positive he's a main character in some nineteenth century gothic tragedy. Move your hand a sec." Remus complied, pushing the parchment closer so his friend could see.

"And the author hates me," Sirius added in distress.

"Nonsense," James interjected helpfully, studying an ad for the new Comet 210. "Haven't you noticed? It's all the favorite characters who suffer the horrible trials. A hated character would go through life all nice and dandy." He turned the page.

"Okay, maybe," Sirius conceded, his head cocked sideways as he considered.

"Personally, I don't think you qualify to be a main character." James continued. "You're not even an only child."

"Eh?" asked Peter, looking up from Remus' work.

"All good tragic main characters have a limited number of family members. You know, they'll be orphans, or only children, or something. Look at all the muggle fairy tales we've been reading in class. None of them have mothers!"

"But Sirius's mother hates him," Peter countered. Sirius shrugged nonchalantly in agreement, studying the ceiling with bored interest.

"True," James said slowly, "But then, I've already said that just having nasty relatives wouldn't make you a good main character."

"But having no relatives does? Isn't that kind of splitting hairs?" Remus frowned.

"Yeah," James insisted, laying aside his magazine, and picking up a second. "There's more tragedy in orphanism. Authors love it. "

"Forget that," Sirius shook his head, "Considering character..."

"What about it?"

"Well," Sirius said, sitting up straighter, "I have a conflicted past- no listen-" He said as James rolled his eyes and opened his mouth. " A conflicted past," he repeated, counting off on his fingers, "an uncertain future, a healthy sense of my own personality, a strong sense of justice, and wacky sidekicks. It all fits."

"Pur-leez!" James snorted, "If anything, you're the supportive best friend. C'mon! You're rich! You're part of high society! Tragic characters are always poor and low."

"Oh, and I suppose you'd be the main character, Mr. Wealthy Loving Parents," Sirius laughed, "I can see the titles now! James Potter and the Ministry Desk Job of Doom!" Remus and Peter cracked up

"No," James shot back. "I was going to say—I'll wait until you all stop laughing." He said impatiently. The room quieted and James continued. "What I was going to say, was that Remus would've been a better main character." At the three questioning looks he received he elaborated, "You know? 'Cause of the werewolf thing?"Sirius nodded appreciatively, but Remus spoke up.

"What's that mean?"

"Werewolf books! There's millions of them," James exaggerated, . "It's either a statement 'bout the 'primal instincts we all have inside us', or some pathetic attempt at a romance story, when the author can't think of anything better to do. The same goes for vampires."

"How much do you read, James?" Peter asked in disgust, but Sirius cut him off.

"No, it can't be Remus. Remus has no primal instincts. He's the type to apologize to doors he's bumped into!" Sirius said, ignoring Remus protests to the contrary. "And there is no girl, is there?"("Yes there is!" Remus exclaimed angrily) "Can't have a pathetic attempt at a romance without a brainless girl." His voice rose over Remus' continued contradictions and Peter's helpful, "Actually you could…"

"In any case, the girl would be the main character there, not Remus," Sirius finished, leaning over to grab James' discarded magazine.

"Okay then," James countered, refusing to admit defeat, "If we're talking romance, then I'd be the main. I'm the only one of us here who's had a long-term relationship." The other three snorted in derision.

"What's it been, Pete?" Sirius turned, his voice dripping with sarcasm, " three whole weeks that she's finally stopped being sick at the very sight of him? Yeah," He nodded gravely, "Very healthy."

"Oh shut it," James said irritably.

"No, no, James," Sirius said, pushing his point further, " You would be a good character. It's all the pathetic, unrequited love-Hey!" He ducked as James' second magazine narrowly missed his head.

"The two of you are not even considering that this could all be about Peter here," Remus handed his completed homework over for Peter to copy, leaning back on his palms, staring imaginatively off into space. "It could be the heartwarming coming of age tale of an insecure boy growing up with his friends; all placed in a far away, magical school."

The other three looked disgusted and Peter said, " Even I wouldn't want to read that. What is that rubbish anyway?"

"People write it," Remus said with dignity. "Of course, this could all be some cheap comic book."

"Eeuch!" James exclaimed, looking around the filthy dorm in disgust "G-d, I hope not."

"Yeah," Sirius added, "Who'd want to see that?"

"Of course, it could be a superhero thing," James brightened, "Holy flobberworms, Padfoot!" he said, striking a pose, his voice deep.

"And we're back to the Desk Jobs of Doom." Sirius sighed heavily. "Why do you always make this about yourself, James?"

"It's always all about the main character," James shrugged. "hence the term main."

"I thought we agreed Peter was the main character," Remus interjected, " or are you just getting the poor, coming of age boy's hopes up?"

"How can you have a coming-of-age comic book about desk jobs?"

"Simple." Remus said plainly, "Just have an ambiguous ending." His voice took on an dramatic tone, "Do the desks win? Does it all matter in the end, now that Pete's got the brainless girl?"

"That tone might be hard to capture in a drawing…" Peter said uncertainly. "What are they gonna have? A random narrator just pop up in front of my face?

"Have to admit, Pete," James added helpfully, "It'd be an improvement."

"And people wonder why I'm insecure!"Peter threw his hands in the air, nearly toppling Remus' ink bottle.

"Yeah, guys," Remus threw an arm around Peter's shoulders. "How's he ever gonna come of age with you two insulting his unfortunate appearance all the time?"

"Honesty is healthy," James shrugged, drowning out Sirius's, "What's with the plural? Did you hear me say anything about Pete's face?"

"Yeah. But, what about the girl?" Remus wondered, pulling his inkbottle out of the way as Peter threw a balled up parchment at James, which fell short of his bed .

"I'm sure she appreciates honesty, too." James said sagely, casually tossing his other magazine at Peter's head. "Women always do." Sirius snorted loudly. "Shut up, Sirius."

'Kay. All done. What did you think?