Chapter 1

Hey, it's Mizz Maddnezz again with another multi chapter iCarly fanfic!

Summary: After a suicidal attempt takes the last bit of happiness from Freddie he is left alone and scared with a surprising comforter to hold him, but is the pain too much for Freddie to control even with the help of this person and how close must he get to them before he finally finds himself again?

Disclaimer: I wish I owned iCarly but I don't so I shall just rely on fanfiction to bring couples together and start some freaking drama in one of the greatest Nickelodeon shows there is.

Hope that you enjoy!

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Freddie held his head in his hands as his body shook. His sobs could be heard throughout the Shay apartment but supposedly no one could hear them. Carly and Sam had left an hour ago to attend the winter dance and Spencer was meeting with a client so no one would be back for a while. Freddy hadn't planned on having a breakdown when he came over. He just needed to get his tool box he accidently left in the studio. Luckily, he knew where they kept a hidden key in the hallway, under the edge of the rug right next to the door, so he was able to get in.

His mother had passed away a few months back after a car accident and he didn't need to ask for permission to leave the apartment anymore. Luckily he had won the court case to be able to live on his own. He had a job already, working as a tech producer of a new TV show as well as iCarly and he would be turning eighteen in a few weeks. He left his apartment and crossed the hall into the Shay apartment.

But like what was said before, he hadn't planned on having a breakdown. After getting his tool box and starting down the stairs, a piece of folded paper caught his eye. Out of instinct, he bent over and picked it up, unfolding it quickly. It had been a note to Carly from the boy she had a crush on at the moment. She had asked him to go to the dance with her but he had been convinced she was going out with Freddie. Freddie painfully read the rest of the note as she explained how much she didn't want to go out with Freddie.

It had hurt him that she would have so much to say about why she didn't want to date him but what really killed him was that she told all of this to a boy that messed with him every single day. He accepted a long time ago, that he would give up on dating her but this was too much. Even a friend shouldn't say those kinds of things.

He had tried as hard as he could to hold back his tears as he went down the stairs and partially through the living room but it was too late to get to his own room in his own apartment. He collapsed on the couch and sobbed, the pain taking him over. The tears poured onto the cushion as he beat his fist against the cloth, in a desperate act to take out his anger and hurt on something that he wouldn't feel guilty about beating.

It was too much for him. He had spent the last months trying to hide all of this pain and it was finally too much. He stood, his fists clenched, and walked into the kitchen. He went through the familiar drawers and pulled out a small filleting knife. The blade was thin and razor sharp, made to cut through chunks of meat with ease. He carried the knife into the bathroom and set it on the sink. He went through Spencer's desk and found a paper and pencil. After jotting down a few goodbyes to a few people he signed his name and folded the note, setting it on the sink beside the knife.

"This is it," Freddie whispered with a cracking voice, the tears flowing down his cheeks. He picked up the knife and held it to his wrist. Anatomy class had taught him exactly where the most important veins were collected in his arm. The stared down as he pressed the blade against his skin and slashed it across the veins, cutting it deeply. He held the blade in midair, blood dripping from the tip, as the dark red substance started to bead at the cut and drip down his arm.

His entire body was numb from any pain as he held his arm over the sink, the blood flowing faster and dripping onto the porcelain of the sink and down into the drain. He could feel himself getting light headed as more and more blood slipped from his body. He could feel his knees buckling under him as he fell down onto the ground. He held his arm to his chest and let the blood smear on his shirt. The iron stench filled the room as he let the liquid fall onto the floor and over his clothes. His eyes blurred as his body started to sway from weakness. He looked up as the door slowly opened and someone he could make out stared down at him. The world was silent as Freddie's eyes closed to the darkness.

He felt a pair of arms wrap around him and lift him off of the floor. Unable to move from weakness he let the person carry him.

'It too late,' Freddy said in his mind, 'I'm going to die and it's too late to save me buddy.'

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Freddie eyes fluttered as he looked around the white room. A man in a white cloak stood next to him.

"Am I dead?" Freddy asked.

"Oh of course not," The man said. Freddie's vision cleared and he looked up at the man, noticing the white cloak was a doctor's robe.

"What happened?" Freddie said sitting up, "Why didn't it work?!"

"Freddie," A voice said from the door. Freddie turned to see Spencer looking down at him from the threshold. Spencer looked over at the doctor, "Can I talk to him for a moment?"

"Yes of course," the doctor said leaving the room.

"Freddie," Spencer said walking over and standing next to him, "I told the doctors that you hurt yourself when you got aggravated while we were scaling fish and the knife slipped."

"Why did you tell them that?" Freddie said angrily, "Why didn't you tell them the truth?"

"I told them because it was too painful to try to say you cut your own wrist," Spencer said.

"But why," Freddie said, his voice rising, "I did it to myself for a reason. Why did you save me?"

"Why wouldn't I save you Freddie?" Spencer said.

"I am not worth saving," Freddie said, "I didn't want to be saved. I welcomed death with open arms!"

"But I couldn't," Spencer said, "I could let you take your own life away! You have so much going for you!"

"No I don't! Yeah I have a prodigy job," Freddy said, "But all I have ever wanted was someone to hold me! No one loves me and no one ever will! I don't-"

Freddie was cut off as Spencer leaned in and placed his lips on Freddie's. He held their lips together for a moment, sharing a kiss and pulled away.

"Oh crap," Spencer said slapping his hands over his lips. Freddie stared up at Spencer unbelievably as he turned and walked out of the room quickly. He stared at the door as it shut, leaving him alone in the room. His reached up with his good hand and slipped the tips of his fingers across his lips. He stared down at the bandage wrapped around his arm. He slipped his legs out from under the thin blanket and with his hand still on his lips he got dressed and left the hospital, starting the long walk home. He had a lot of thinking to do.

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He stopped in front of his own apartment and turned to look at the Shay door. It was Saturday night. Carly would be with Sam at the theatre, watching the new vampire movie they had been waiting to see. He reached up with his good hand and tapped his knuckles against the door softly.

"One second," He could hear Spencer yell from inside the apartment. He stood in front of the door, his palms sweating, waiting for the man to open the door.

"Yeah," Spencer said as he opened the door. He looked down at Freddie, "Oh hey."

"Spencer we have to talk," Freddie said.

"Yeah we do," Spencer said opening the door and letting Freddie past. Freddie walked in and sat down on the couch. He had known this apartment for many years but today the familiar room seemed different. He waited while Spencer closed the door and walked over.

"Would you like something to drink?" Spencer asked.

"Can we just talk," Freddie said.

"Okay," Spencer said sitting next to Freddie, "I'm sorry I kissed you. I shouldn't have done that."

"Spencer, please," Freddie said shaking his head, "No apologies okay? I need to tell you something."

Spencer waited as Freddie shifted in his seat and spoke.

"I don't want to be with you," Freddie said, "I see no reason to be with anybody anymore. I don't want a relationship. Either ill hurt someone or they will hurt me. That's what a relationship is. Someone will get hurt."

"But," Spencer stared.

"No," Freddie said as he stood and walked towards the door, "Could you please tell Sam and Carly to leave me alone for a little while. I want to be alone and I don't want anyone to mess with me."

"Freddie," Spencer said standing and grabbing Freddie's arm.

"Spencer," Freddie said looking at him, "Please, I don't want to hurt you or get hurt by anyone."

"I won't hurt you," Spencer pleaded.

"But ill hurt you," Freddie whispered pulling his arm away from Spencer's grip and turning, "No matter what someone will get hurt and the last thing I want is you upset."

Spencer stood and watched as Freddie closed the door in shock. He had spent the entire afternoon thinking of a way to ask Freddie out and here he was, a grown man, tearing up over a boy telling him he didn't want to hurt him.

"He's strong," Spencer thought aloud, "I would not have been able to do that."

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Freddie closed the door behind him and walked across the hallway to his own apartment. He opened the door and stepped in closing the door behind him. He stood in the dim light of the one lamp that was on the table. He pressed his back against the door and closed his eyes, a sob escaping his lips. He cried out in emotional pain as he slid down onto the floor and wrapped his arms around his legs. He just did the hardest thing in his life. It was harder then saying goodbye to his mother for the last time. Once again he had lost someone he loved. He lied there on the floor alone.

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Sorry Freddie is so emo but hey depression is a bitch! Don't worry; there will be happier chap's I promise!!

Loves, Hugzz and Tacozz,

Mizz Maddnezz