Revy's Tale

...And that was how it all came down Boys & Girls

Balalaika cruised into port an hour after the fire and the cops didn't find anything. At first I was a little too busy being arrested by that dyke bitch Sawyer to give a crap about where she managed to stash a few hundred pounds of lethal weaponry. A few days later I found out. it all turned up in Cobblepot's warehouse sitting there in the middle of the floor like it had been left there.

Cobblepot was pissed at being framed and screamed to anyone who would listen to him that he was innocent. I think it might have gone OK for him if he hadn't then started hinting that he was going to name names starting with the real owner of the weapons cache. I'm guessing Cobblepot aint done much time or he would know you don't say something like that in front of guards who aren't getting paid nearly as much as they think they deserve.

On the day Penguin was to give his deposition He somehow ended up alone in an unmonitored interrogation room with Big Sister, What they talked about for thirty minutes I'll never know but when Penguin got back to Blackgate, rumor has it he needed a change of undies. There wasn't a mark on him but his story changed radically. He named names all right every crime boss he had done business with except Balalaika. Kind of convenient, everyone he named was connected to some organization called The Demon's Head. Cobblepot finished it off by naming Mickey as his partner and accusing him of trying to kill Balalaika and myself in the hotel. A bunch of people got it in the ass from the bosses right on down. Even a few members of the police force got named. It was beautiful.

Sawyer was good to her word, she tried to lock me up and have the key melted down. The DA lost interest in nailing me when he had the Great Penguin ratting out so many cooks and scumbags you'd think he was one of the good guys ...and not a freaky little worm who was obviously scared for his life and limbs. She tried bring up the murders I had committed years ago but my freebie lawyer pointed out that since I had been arrested for those crimes the only thing that really had me on was the crooks I had killed and since they were all made guys there was a feeling in the DA's office that crooks killing crooks was just either Darwinism in action or God's good work being done.

While Sawyer was screaming for my blood, I had my own worries however. I was still in jail. I was getting a lot of space at the chow line and in the exercise yard. The problem with that is when you are getting more space, someone else who liked the space they had, gets less.

Her name was Mimi and she was in for double homicide. Two beefy girls backed her; I only had to break their noses to get them to stay down. Mimi, I had to really work her over. I finally had to curb stomp the bitch. Nothing personal really, but if you don't mark your territory, someone else will be crapping on your lawn in no time.

After that I had no worries it seems rumors were spreading that I was some big time rep for Fourteen K Triad. Mimi and everyone else left me alone. Less then a week later I was back in an Interrogation room. Sawyer was grumbling while Rock was sitting looking miserable. Rock had spilled his guts, so he claimed, about being some kind of criminal high on the wanted list and a person of interest to the Thai Government. That Rock loses his shit at the thought of illegal downloading didn't seem to matter to anyone. Rock and I were being handed over to the Thai Government with the compliments of the US State Department. In fact a local law enforcement agent had shown up along with a member of the sate department to facilitate the transfer. The Door opens and in walks Eda in a business suit. Behind her was, of all things Chinglish dressed like a schoolteacher. I have no idea how Rock pulled this off but I figure I could play along.

"So you vile little Bitch," Inspector Shenhua hissed, "After all the people you killed including my partner I finally catch up with you." She had managed to lose her normal pidgin dialect and was speaking English almost perfectly.

She reeled back and delivered a vicious slap across my face "You're going back to Big Tiger and this time they won't be letting you out." She snarled.

I was already to launch myself across the room when I noticed Rock shaking his head. Sawyer was looking at us like we were insane

Eda piped up "Inspector - perhaps you might want to calm down." She gave Shenhua a dirty look who blushed a little before getting back into character.

"Yeah bitch," I snarled, "it's a long trip and nasty things can happen in-flight"

Shenhua forgot herself again for a second, "Just try it you stupid bitch, we see who is making it..." she calmed herself switching back to her character's speaking voice. "You won't provoke me, you animal, you and your boy toy will be doing a long stretch back home."

"Would you like help taking her back " Sawyer asked.

"Thank you Miss Sawyer but I brought along assistance just for the occasion." Shenhua gestured to the hallway. There, looking cool in a pin-strip business suit was Rotton; His sunglasses almost hid the slow wink he threw in my direction.

"Great, you got me," I sighed, "I'm ready to go - back to jail."

Eda piled on the charm like she was working a gullible mark, "Officer Sawyer the Sate Department wants to thank you for your accommodation in this, rest assured it's a favor we will remember when the time is right." she said sounding all professional and crap.

They even gave us a police escort to the airport. It took everything I had not to flip Sawyer the finger as the plane's door closed and the plane began to taxi down the runway.

Sawyer spent the rest of the day looking at the tape of the meeting, her instinct told her there was something off about the whole thing but she couldn't nail it down. Bullock happened to be walking by her office while she was scanning the tape and as he heard he action he smiled.

"Hey Sawyer I thought you hated my taste in movies?"

"I would hardly call that B-movie stuff you watch movies Harvey the women run around with almost no clothes and they do things with guns that are totally impossible."

"Yeah but you got to admit Shanghai Sirens is a cut above interrogation scene won the lead actress some kind of viewers choice award."

"I'm not watching a scene from a movie Harvey. This ... actually ...happened." She whispered with dawning realization.

""Well you could fool me that's the Shanghai Sirens interrogation scene word for word I remember it because the lady walks and slaps the other chick really hard. "

"SONOFABITCH." Sawyer screamed before leaping from her desk and running down the hallway.

"Hey Harvey, what'd you do this time?"

"I don't know and I don't want to know."

Team Roanapur didn't relax till they were out over the ocean. Revy settled back in her seat with a sigh.

"Who's paying for this? Balalaika?"

Eda answered her while slipping back into her tinted shades. "Chang is paying for the ride home but Shenhua and Rotton are coming out of your bonuses."

"Fuck, that is not fair."

"Don't blame me, Lover-boy agreed to the deal when he set all this up."

Revy shot Rock a dirty look. Rock sighed and wondered how long it would be before this was going to come back and bite him on the ass. For Revy, screwing with her bonus was a sin punishable by death, preferably a slow and painful one.

He looked around the cabin to avoid Revy's glare of death and that was when he saw her, dressed in dark glasses and big floppy hat, sitting across the aisle. He looked closer and was shocked to realize he recognized this stranger. It was Selina Kyle. She gave him a knowing smile and a wink while putting a finger to her lips asking for his silence. Rock had no idea why Selina was on a plane headed nonstop for Thailand but he resolved to grab as much shuteye as he could. It had been a long trip that had taken much out of him and he suspected that when he finally found out what was going on it would be yet more of the weirdness that constituted his daily life.

If there was one thing living in Roanapur had taught him it was that you grabbed onto the little moments of joy while they lasted.

Balalaika and Chang were meeting for lunch. She had returned to the city to find it running smoothly. Apparently the overt threat of personally dealing with Balalaika if anyone so much as breathed wrong had kept the streets peaceful in her absence.

She had filled Chang in on the events in Gotham and he was amazed at her tale. "So what about the boys," he asked when she was finished, "How are they taking it -what happened with this ivy person."

"Boris is taking it the hardest they just need rest and time. I've given everyone who accompanied me light duties for a while let them enjoy being away from that nonsense."

"What about you? How are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling like I should be kneecapping you or did you think I would not figure out who sent me those pictures in the first place."

Chang looked shocked, "If I did such a thing, and that is no admission, but if I did such a thing; it would have been at the behest of a friend who just wanted you to know how Nukhaev was being treated."

"...And this friend did they perhaps get anything out of the fact that during the chaos a triad boss was killed and several of his solders as well?"

"If I had such a friend I doubt they would tell me other then to say that in return for undermining the triad in Gotham and you breaking the leadership of the Russians, they are enjoying a well-deserved and stomach cancer free retirement."

"Just like that, cancer went away, that sounds almost miraculous."

"I was thinking the same thing. You know one day the Demon's Head is going to make another run at us here. We dodged a bullet this time but Roanapur is just too rich a target for someone not to make another play for us."

"When that day comes we will deal with it, but I'm more concerned about you. Why would you risk getting involved in something like this it seems so out of character."

"Uncle Donnie told me about Nukhaev. You and I my have had our differences but I think you're a good judge of character. I doubt you would fall for a guy who would steal or was so incompetent he would let himself be betrayed. I hope you got a little ...well closure."

"Nukhaev was an idiot and always was a poor judge of character. The only reason we even met was because he was always being dumped by my barracks mate so she could chase anything that had a inch of braid on its chest."

"Ouch, when did he finally get a clue?"

"A round about the time I was promoted to unit commander and Natasha dumped him so she could take a run at me. He got roaring drunk and told her off in such a passionate fashion ...I was impressed I didn't think he had it in him."

Their lunch tuned into dinner, which became late night snacks and more drinks. About two am the owner of the restaurant decided that if the two most powerful syndicate bosses wanted to sit around getting drunk, telling stories and laughing like jackals he might as well enjoy it after all you had to grab the good times while they lasted.

Ivy woke up to find Harley looking down at her

"Welcome to your new home Red, Arkham Asylum"

"I'm not crazy."

"I never get tired of the people who say that..." Quinzell assumed a mocking tone, "Sure I carve a mark in my own flesh every time I kill someone, but that doesn't make me insane," She laughed, it was a chilling sound, "...Anyway Red we have a lot of ground to cover over the next few days."

"I not staying here, I'm not insane."

"Well see if you are sane, then you will go to trial. A trial you won't live to see. In fact, I doubt you'll last five minutes in general population of any prison within a hundred miles of here."

"Balalaika wants me dead?"

Harley giggled, "Not dead - She'll pay double the bounty if she can get her hands on you, triple if you are unharmed. What she wants to do to you, she wants to do it with her own two hands, over the course of several days."

"So what happens now?"

"I have the newt few days to prepare you so that when the court ordered head shrink examines you he'll decide that you're not competent. After that you get fully committed to our care. You'll be safe till Balalaika gets bored waiting for someone to deliver your head on platter to her. "

Harley patted Ivy "Relax and enjoy the ride Red cause you and me, we're going to be good friends one way or the other." she siad with a sinister smile.

As Ivy looked at her she saw one thing very clearly. Doctor Harleen Quinzell was easily as insane as anyone locked up in Arkham Asylum, maybe even more so.

It was almost a week later when Balalaika got the videodisk it arrived in a plain brown wrapper with her name written in green and purple crayon. She played the disk it showed Mikhail looking beaten and scared, standing over him was Joker.

"You know Bally You and Me, it could have been special but never let it be said the Joker doesn't understand when the heart calls you home you have to answer. But Let me leave you with a final thought as you murder, mutilate, pillage and plunder and in general do all the things that make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside." The Joker stepped back to gesture to the tied up Mikhail, "Look at this guy, this loathsome sickly little mongrel who isn't fit to lick the scum from your boots let alone be killed by you, but me on the other hand ... I like to say the only difference between a sane man and an insane man is one very bad day...well welcome to Mickey's really, really bad day." He started laughing manically while he picked up a surgical tool and advanced toward Mikhail.

Balalaika sat watching the video in its entirety and when it was done she rewound it ...if any of the Spaznets found it odd the disturbing sound of her laughter coming from the editing room they were smart enough not to say anything.

***The End***

AN - I want to thank everyone who stuck with me on this its been a fun ride for me and hope the same is true of you.