Author's Notes: Hey everyone and welcome to my first non-crossover NCIS fic. This is just something that randomly popped into my head a few nights ago, and though I'm sure it's been done before, my muse won't let me get back to work on my massive NCIS/Transformers story until I finish this one up. Light spoilers through season four's Cover Story. The information McGee's typing is in italics; his thoughts and feelings are in regular text. I tried to research what episode the details are from, but if I've got some in there from after Cover Story, I apologize.

Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS, though I would like to take the car Jackson Gibbs gave his son in "Heartland" out for a quick spin. Don Bellarsario, could you make that happen for me? No? Well, I had to try.

McGee sat at his typewriter, his pencil tapping thoughtfully against his left cheek. He'd been making good headway in his writing, but was stuck at a juncture that had become particularly trying on his patience. He let out a frustrated breath. The only upside was that at least now he had the story figured out. When he'd jumped into the murky waters of becoming an author, McGee expected the writing to be hard work, but he hadn't quite expected the circus that would result because of it. Admittedly, his first and biggest mistake was not asking his team's permission before he used their personality visages as backdrops for each character in Deep Sixed. The second was throwing away all his used ribbons for anyone to find.

Tim braced his hands on his desk and stood, his chair squeaking on the floor below. Wandering into the kitchen, he poured himself a glass of fruit juice and sat back down at in front of his prized antique typewriter. Though computers were his passion, it felt foreign to stare at a screen while writing a novel. Using the typewriter made him feel more legit as an author, as if he were walking out of his existence as Timothy McGee and instead stepping into the persona of Thom E. Gemcity. McGee laid his fingers on the home row of the keys, and once again stopped.

This transition should not be that difficult, drawing a scowl to the normally placid agent's face. In the book, Agent Tommy and Officer Lisa were about to discover the fate of Agent McGregor and his love interest with Amy Sutton, but nothing was working right. Nothing fit. Everything he'd written had come off sounding cheap and cheesy, and none of it was up to Gemcity standards. With his deadline looming in ten days, McGee knew he had to get over this block before it caused any more problems with his publisher. Shuddering, he pushed thought of what his editor would do if he were late on the deadline out of his mind. Shaking his head, McGee stared resolutely at the notes in his binder and drew a huge blank.

McGee hopped out of his chair again, this time to change the record. He'd taken Tony's advice and invested in a couple classic John Coltrane albums. Like most things Tony, Tim wasn't surprised to find DiNozzo had good taste in jazz. Allowing his mind to briefly wander, Tim thought back to his first weeks and months on Gibbs' team. It was, simply put, a trial by fire, something he truly never wished to repeat, but also an experience he wouldn't trade from the world. So much had happened since then; Kate's death, Ari, Ziva, Gibbs and his brief retirement-- McGee stopped himself. Not retirement, a hiatus. Thinking about his ornery but fiercely protective team leader made Tim's lips curled up into something looking suspiciously like a smile. When writer's block bit, there was but one solution: a free write. Exchanging the half finished novel page out for a fresh, blank sheet, Tim typed the first thing that came to his mind.

Part I: Introduction

First and foremost, welcome to NCIS. You have chosen wisely and we have every expectation you will enjoy your tenure with this agency. With that said, we understand that being the new guy, the Probationary Officer (Probie), is no easy task. In this brief guide, we aim to walk you through some of the simple steps you may take to ease your transition into the NCIS family. Though this bit of literature is supplementary to the NCIS Official Employee Handbook provided to you by Human Resources, its importance should not be diminished. In fact, this small guide may be the most relevant piece of reading you are ever given.

NCIS has many faces and very few are alike. For those of you who may be lucky enough to work with any of the Major Case Response Teams, this guide is for you. Specifically, one MCRT team leaders, Special Agent Gibbs, has a reputation for being tough in his demands, and even harder to read. This guide aims to at least make your life bearable if you must encounter all that is Hurricane Gibbs. It will help you by explaining how he thinks, what drives him and most importantly, how to react and respond to him. And while the author of this guide understands that no two situations are alike, the generality of this guide is all encompassing.

The above paragraph is not to say any new probie should fear Special Agent Gibbs. Quite to the contrary, he will teach you more than you ever thought you could learn about investigation, observation and procedure. It is, however, up to you to keep your eyes and ears open long enough to learn it. For those of you with the mental and physical toughness necessary to survive, you will find yourself emerging on the other side with a wealth of knowledge unsurpassed by any other agent in the organization.

Welcome to NCIS and we wish you the best of luck.

Sincerely,

Special Agent Timothy McGee

Part II: The Rules

Special Agent Gibbs is very black and white. To him, it is either wrong or it's right. However, it will be up to you to figure out which of those two choices is the correct one. Gibbs has a set of rules that govern his life and dictate how he lives and makes decisions. He does not deviate from those rules, so it will be in your best interest to integrate them into your life, and adjust to adapt with them.

However, the following rules in this guide are not Gibbs' rules. They are rules that past probies have decided are helpful tips to remember early in a new agent's career. If you are able to successfully adopt the following key points, public humiliation will likely be kept to as much of a minimum as can be expected.

Please keep in mind that there are more little hints which may be helpful to individual agents, and for that reason, a notes section is provided in the back of this book. For the purposes of compression, we have chosen the ten most common rules, outlining the ten most common mistakes new agents make, and have extrapolated upon them for your perusal. They are listed in order of importance, with the first being the most and working their way down from there.

1. NEVER mess with Gibbs' coffee unless you hold very little value to your arms, legs, eyes or life.

This is the most important rule a young probie will ever learn. Gibbs does not have blood running through his veins; he instead has substituted it for coffee. He drinks it literally by the gallon, and is rarely seen without a cup in his hand. Do not knock it over or spill it, and under no circumstances should a young agent ever drink any coffee randomly lying around the bullpen without checking for Gibbs' presence first. Be sure to check with Gibbs himself for ownership, and not his senior field agent. The alternatives can be disastrous.

Speaking from personal experience, McGee thought this rule was possibly the most important tip a new agent needed to know. Though he had some help from DiNozzo, McGee himself had made the very same error early in his tenure with Gibbs' team. Tim would never forget the death glare he received from his boss while standing in Laura Rowan's living room, holding the empty cup in his hand. He would also never forget the sinking feeling of dread in his chest when he realized the coffee Tony handed him as a pick me up actually belonged to Gibbs.

2. Expect to be headslapped, as it is unavoidable.

Gibbs uses this technique quite effectively in order to gain the attention of his agents, or in some cases, to reprimand them. He will always do it to the back of your head, and usually when you're not expecting it. As he explains, "It doesn't do any good when you know it's coming." Be aware that it doesn't hurt as it is meant to be more of a surprise, and should not cause any lasting injury. The one notable exception to that rule could possibly be Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, but he is another guide all on his own.

McGee had lost count of how many times he'd been headslapped by Gibbs, though he couldn't remember a time when Gibbs had slapped him and he didn't deserve it. Gibbs might be a self-proclaimed bastard, but he was always fair. Though Tony was his main target, McGee and even Ziva were not immune to Gibbs' version of the wake up call. With a sad smile, McGee remembered he'd never slapped Kate.

3. Don't use technojargon. He absolutely, positively will not understand it.

Gibbs barely knows how to use his cell phone, and his phone is replaced on a monthly basis as he breaks it to, "Make it work better." When speaking to Gibbs on any matter related to technology, explain it as if you were talking to your grandmother's parents. He builds boats exclusively with hand tools and owns a one very small TV he uses for a table in his basement. Do not use terms such as megabyte, gigabyte, jpeg, html or any such incarnations of web speak. He will undoubtedly become flustered, and will likely resort to the use of Rule Number 2.

Laughing to himself, McGee recalled the incident in which he was working with Abby, going through a potential suspect's hard drive. He clearly remembered that when he said there were about 150 gigabytes worth of information to process, Gibbs had responded with a curt, "Oh, that's all? It should only take you an hour, then!" and walked out of Abby's lab. It was then he realized how much of the Stone Age his boss still resided in, and aimed to dumb his explanations down as much as possible. Unfortunately, it still wasn't enough.

4. Do not, under any circumstance, ever apologize. For anything, even for breaking the above listed rule number 1.

Gibbs views an apology as a sign of weakness, though recently someone very close to him has taken to question that belief. The key here is that mistakes, while not tolerated per say, can be forgotten if you are able to find a way to rectify your error. Fix the problem and then move on. Save the apology for someone who will care, because he will not. Keep this in mind, as an apology made too many times will certainly end up with a visit from Rule Number 2.

Rubbing his hands together, McGee thought about his last case. This was another rule that applied directly to him, and in a very recent fashion. He never would have dreamed that Landon, the guy who made him his coffee, would be the one to kill based on his incomplete book. When Tim had apologized to Gibbs for his apparent part in two murders, Gibbs had done nothing but shoved him back to his desk and told him in no uncertain terms to finish the book to solve the case. Even though Tim questioned his own abilities on a semi-routinely basis, the confidence Gibbs had in him never wavered. It was a comforting thought after the fact.

5. Trust his gut. It's not usually wrong.

Gibbs is famous for using his gut, or his instincts to solve cases, to tell if someone is lying or to know what direction to go. Do not question his instincts. It's what makes him a great investigator, and is an intangible of priceless value. Learn from what he's thinking and try to predict what he might do in response to a situation. Your career, and someday your life may thank you for it.

Gibbs was the first and only person McGee had ever met during his life that had such an uncanny sixth sense for the world around him. There was virtually nothing that made it past him. When McGee first started working with him, the probie actually felt a little sympathy for a suspect or a witness who tried to lie to Gibbs. That had faded with the new agent feeling, but it was almost scary how he seemed to know what was going on at any given time. Gibbs was about as street smart as anyone could possibly hope to be, and that was a skill that had to be learned and cultivated.

6. When riding with Gibbs, wear your seatbelt.

Though it may seem odd that this rule is listed in this guide, riding in any motorized vehicle with Gibbs can be a life threatening choice. Before you get in a car with him, make sure your will is up to date with Human Resources, especially if he's in a bad mood. We have made numerous requests for four point racing restraints to be installed in the car he uses, but all request to this point have been denied. Gibbs drives like a fighter pilot flies: fast, to the point and on the edge. Be restrained in any vehicle with him. The results of not heeding this warning will speak for themselves.

McGee knew it wasn't necessarily an accomplishment to make him motion sick. On ships, he was particularly miserable because of the rocking and swaying, but that was the ocean. On land, he often contemplated taking one Dramamine every day to ease the nausea he felt riding with Gibbs. On numerous trips, Tim had seen his life flash before his eyes as Gibbs blew one red light after another, or executed an emergency skid and 180-degree whip in the middle of a busy D.C. highway. Though he'd been part of Gibbs' team for the past three years, the Team Leader's driving was something he would never fully appreciate or really care for.

7. Never tell Gibbs it's impossible.

This is an answer that Gibbs will not understand. Nothing is impossible. Gibbs may know a lot of four letter words, but the words 'can't' or 'no' do not exist in his vocabulary. When he gives you a task, he expects you to fulfill that task by any means necessary. He also expects you to be self-motivated and resourceful. You must find a way to do as he asks. If what he needed or asked of you weren't of the utmost importance, he would not ask you to do it.

One of the strangest things McGee had ever heard from Gibbs' mouth was the request that the computer whiz "visit" the CIA for information. At first, Tim had been confused and then realized what kind of visit Gibbs needed. When he'd gone home that night, McGee pondered the ethical and moral repercussions of his actions and wondered why someone like Gibbs, who clearly respected the law, would ask him to break the very thing he was supposed to uphold. In the end, Tim decided that he could sum Gibbs in that moment up using Bentham's theory of Utilitarianism: the needs of the many certainly outweighed the needs of the few. Plus, it didn't hurt the bad guys went to jail, did it?

8. Do not assume anything. Check, double check and triple check for yourself.

The old adage of, "When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me," could not be truer for anyone working with Special Agent Gibbs. Never assume anyone did what you asked to be done. Just asking a records officer or local LEO to do it is not enough. Go babysit if you must, but get the work done with your own hands and eyes. Do not, under any circumstances, allow it to be done for you. Gibbs will not accept that as appropriate, nor will he feel it's valid.

As with the headslaps, McGee had lost count of how many times Gibbs had looked at him, nonverbally asking why the probie was still in the bullpen and not out supervising the work he was hoping to accomplish. Gibbs was a man who left nothing to chance, and though it was an annoying trait at first, McGee saw firsthand how crucial it was to never depend on someone else. That redundancy that Gibbs often required was one of the reasons his team had such a high solve percentage and that was a stat of which Tim was extremely proud.

9. If you have a valid theory, speak up.

Though the patented Gibbs glare would probably make Osama himself run for cover or surrender, resist the urge to cave under it. This may take some time, but the results in the end will be worth it. Do try not to babble, and make your point as fast as you can. If you're wrong, your theory makes no sense or is simply horrible, Gibbs will tell you. No matter what, you'll always have his honest opinion.

McGee leaned back in his chair, his fingers interlacing on top of his head. He thought back to his infancy with NCIS. Still on loan from Norfolk, he just an MIT whiz kid assigned to he technology department. While he did his work on MCRT's networks, he devised a way to speed up the search for the missing intruder from autopsy. The part he struggled with was finding a way to tell Gibbs he had a way to help. Though the search lead to Ari Haswari and ultimately to Kate's death, he was glad he found the brass to speak up. It was easily the reason he was on Gibbs' team today.

10. Be efficient. Gibbs is not known for his patience.

If patience is indeed a virtue, it missed Gibbs completely. This is very self-explanatory: be efficient. Don't waste time and you will not incur his wrath. If you can find a way to do it faster, use it but not at the expense of exactness. Gibbs demands the best, but he also gives all he has to the team, to each case and to NCIS.

How many times had Gibbs caught Tony surfing eBay? DiNozzo was notorious for wasting time, though he always seemed to find a way to get his work done. McGee hoped one day Tony would share that little secret with him as it was something he'd not yet mastered. And as bad as Tony was, McGee was not quite innocent in the realm of time efficiency. He clearly remembered thinking his career with NCIS was going to be over before it begun when Gibbs caught him playing an online MMORPG game in MTAC during the Shields case.

Leaning back in his chair, McGee picked up the stack of six or seven pages he'd amassed during his free write to proofread. Satisfied, Tim quickly closed out the guide with a short acknowledgement letter and then pulled the last page from the typewriter and laid it into his binder. As he leaned down to lock his binder and the tail end of his manifest into his safe, Tim stopped and instead pulled the newly written work out. He slid it into a black pocket folder with the NCIS logo emblazoned in gold on the front cover. Putting his keys on top of it, McGee whistled as he got eagerly back to work on Rock Hollow.

Jenny Shepherd would have some interesting reading for her consideration tomorrow.

--FIN--