Title: Aliquis ut me conservat 4/?
Author: angelicmercy
Rating: R, later chapters NC/17
Genre and/or Pairing: Dean/Cas, angst, AU
Spoilers: nope
Warnings: slash, drama, schmoopy, UST
Word Count: WIP
Summary: Castiel is a philosopher in Ancient Rome, the emperor Commodus' best friend. He sits at his right side and offers moral guidance as well as friendship. One day Commodus decides to assign Castiel with his own Praetorian bodyguard to protect him as the emperor's enemies gather up. Already at the start, Dean realises Castiel isn't like the rest of the citizens of the Rome. Actually he isn't like anybody he ever met. The heat between them is something neither of them can fight and soon they fall for each other. But the fate is not on their side as Castiel is to marry Commodus sister Livia and forget his love for Dean.
A/N: See, I'm a good girl. Updated within good time. Many many awesome thanks to angelshandprint at LJ for the amazing beta work and putting up with my retarded grammar mistakes. YOU ROCK!
Castiel lay in his bed as the first rays of sunshine touched his skin. He was dumbly staring at the ceiling and he barely blinked. He hadn't slept for the whole night. Not that much of the night had been left for him to sleep at all, what with the awful party and the events that had followed it. The events that kept replaying in his head over and over again. It was maddening, and Castiel felt his blood boil as his mind raced, overanalysing everything. Again and again. It was something he was so good at, but the problem was that with all the analysis he did, he sometimes forgot to simply act.
The world was complicated enough and Castiel was just complicating it even more. True, sometimes things weren't as they seemed at first sight, but Castiel was always a good judge of character, hence the emperor held him so close. The footsteps at his door broke his train of thoughts. Raising his head, Castiel watched the door with weary eyes as the knock sounded and startled him a bit.
"Sir? Are you awake?" It was just Merula. Probably checking on him after last night and making sure he'd got ready for the meeting with the emperor.
"Yes..." He said, not sure whether he even wanted to go to the damn meeting. His head was in a million places and nowhere near any politics right now. "But make sure to send a messenger to the palace and tell them that I won't be coming today. I'm not feeling quite well."
It was a lie. He was feeling quite well, but he really wasn't in the mood to face the emperor right now. Or any of those senators from last night's party. He'd already figured the palace was filled with rumours of what happened between him and Lucius and Castiel just didn't want to discuss it.
"Should I call a healer?" Merula sounded truly worried and he smiled at the maternal affection. She was always behaving so motherly toward him and he liked the touch of care in it.
"No, I'm just tired from last night. Barely got any time to sleep." He answered honestly and shook his head. It had been his own fault.
"Alright then. I'll let the messenger know. You rest." She said and he could hear the soft footsteps move away from his door. He sighed and rolled over on his side and buried his face in the pillow.
Then there was another knock at the door and his head snapped up.
"Yes?"
"You alive in there, sir?" Dean's voice rang through the door and Castiel blinked twice before his head cleared.
"Yes, I'm fine. Just sleepy. Didn't get much sleep last night." This shouting from the bed to the door, it was ridiculous, but Castiel felt safer from that man with a wooden surface between them.
"I bet." There was a slight chuckle in that tone of voice and Castiel frowned. What the hell was that supposed to mean? "You're going to sleep some more? Merula told me you're not going to the meeting, sir."
Castiel raised an eyebrow, not sure what he was supposed to say. It was clear that Dean was the reason why he was so flustered, but he just didn't want the man to know that.
"No I'm not going to the meeting. I'm too tired."
"Alright, sir. Rest well." Dean just said and walked away from the door.
Castiel breathed a sigh of relief, but he also felt disappointment, and he wasn't sure why, because he was adamant of not getting involved with his own bodyguard, who had been appointed to him by the emperor himself. He couldn't help remembering what Dean told him last night, though. The man had obviously known what he'd been doing. Castiel wasn't blind, he had seen the way the maids were looking at Dean and he was more than sure that he'd taken to his bed at least one. And that made Castiel jealous, which was insane, and completely wrong. Why would he even be jealous?
Dean was an amazing soldier, all power and beauty, of course it was no wonder that there were plenty of women surrounding him, and plenty of those who had been taken to and left his bed. Would Castiel really have been different had he not stopped things from going on last night? He sighed into the pillow, aware that there was no way he was going back to sleep. Not with everything that was currently playing in his head. There was so many directions one's mind could go so this would just drive him crazy. He should just man himself and get up. This was barely a problem and he was blowing it out of its proportion.
So Castiel found himself strolling toward the baths, holding his towel close to his chest. He was still lost in his thoughts when he heard the sound of water sloshed. He looked down and the first thing he saw was perfect tanned skin glistening with steam and water. His heart stopped as the familiar sand-haired head turned around and hazel eyes met him. Castiel truly didn't mean to stare, but he was failing at it. His eyes followed the trails of water travelling over the broad muscled chest that looked like it had been sculptured by Phidias himself, and further down-
"Oh, good morning, sir." Dean greeted him and Castiel looked up only to see a smirk on Dean's lips. The lips that would no doubt bring Castiel doom. "I thought you were resting."
"No..." He said, trying to sound collected and calm, "I'm finished with resting."
Dean then nodded and moved his fingers through his wet hair, making the water swirl around him, dangerously as it drew Castiel's eyes to what lay beneath the water. He would not stare. He commanded himself and tried to stand with the resolution, but as every weak man, prone to be a slave to his own lust, he looked. And what a look that was. But then Castiel snapped his eyes back to Dean's. That was the safer route.
"I thought you would be sleeping longer." Dean said and he held no remorse at all, which Castiel was grateful for. He was grateful that the masks they'd been wearing had finally fallen.
Castiel had already explained himself that Dean was welcome to use the baths at any time, but perhaps Dean hadn't got him right. Baths were available for use after the master of the house had used them first and deemed it was alright for others to. Maybe Dean got confused about that.
"It is alright. You are free to use them anytime you want." He said flippantly and looked away when he heard the sound of water splashing.
Then Castiel made a mistake. Or it was actually the best thing he ever did in his entire life. His eyes flickered over to Dean, who was climbing out of the water. Castiel blinked as his gaze remained fixed on the perfectly sculptured body of a soldier. This man could put to shame Phidias himself. He licked his lips when suddenly Dean stood to his full height and Castiel could see the man's entire naked body, his sturdy limbs, firm and well-proportioned, the lines of his lower body, curved and sharp at all the right places. Castiel almost groaned at the hunger that exploded in his belly. His entire body heated up and he could feel his face flushing as Dean strolled toward him.
"Is there anything else you need me for?" Dean's lips moved and Castiel barely kept his eyes on those eyes and lips. The sound of that voice and that glint in Dean's eyes were downright sinful.
"No. No, you... You are free." Castiel barely stood on his legs as the lust flared through him. He forgot why he had rejected Dean in the first place.
"Alright then." Dean simply nodded and walked past him.
It took all of Castiel's will not to turn around as he heard the rustling of the fabric. Dean was probably getting dressed because walking around the house naked would cause a big commotion. Not to mention Castiel would probably swallow his own tongue by the end of the mid-afternoon. Castiel shook his head and jumped when he felt Dean's presence behind him.
"My lord, you look flushed. Still not feeling well? Maybe you should go back to your bed." The voice was husky and downright seductive and Castiel barely kept himself together as warm air tickled at the back of his neck.
"No... I'm fine." He said, trying not to sound like he just couldn't control his own urges. He was a damn philosopher. He was rational. Plato would be absolutely appalled.
But that word bed sounded so damn good on Dean's tongue and Castiel just had to remember his own oath and everything would be fine. There would be no molesting of his bodyguard and that was final. So of course he ended up watching Dean walk away and let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. It was so stupid, but he couldn't. He just couldn't.
The night came so slowly. The hours dripped away and he mostly kept to himself. He was working in his study, reading through yet another philosophy script, but he couldn't focus and he found himself re-reading the same paragraph for at least a dozen times. Never did he think that his world was to slowly start falling apart the next morning when he finally got to the palace and spoke with the emperor.
The gods were kind to him today, pleasantly leaving him in the house as Castiel said he was too tired to go to the palace. Dean was really starting to dislike that place. He never really liked it in the first place, but he had to serve there as a member of the Pretorian guards, which meant he was supposed to be right next to the emperor. But now he had grown fond of the country. The fresh air, no gossipers and constantly being on guard over who was watching you. And mind you, someone was always watching. It was disturbing and eerie and Dean hated it.
The events from last night were vivid in his mind when he woke up. He knew he had to go and check on Castiel. It wasn't the fact that he felt guilty in any way, but perhaps he came on too strong. He remembered how Castiel responded to Lucius's advances, but then again, Lucius was a creepy little bastard. Dean certainly wasn't creepy toward Castiel. He merely stated a fact to the flushed man. He grinned at the memory of Castiel's face when he told him he wanted him. Dean had to admit, there was something so alluring about those azure eyes clouded with heat. He concluded that he just needed a good invitation from Castiel to proceed. He would never push him into anything like Lucius had tried, so he was just going to wait for that one hint of an invite.
Dean sighed as he set himself straight and grabbed some towels. He needed a good bath to wash away the crazy lust he was feeling. He strolled over to the baths and memories of spying on Castiel as he bathed came rushing back and Dean could feel the slow tingle of his body. Really, he never felt such maddening desire for another person. It was wild and it made him do crazy things. Such as coming onto his own master and implying he wanted to sex his brains out on a kitchen table.
Alright, perhaps he hadn't implied exactly that, but he truly wanted to do exactly that and he feared that perhaps Castiel knew and that was why he'd avoided him. He took his tunic off and placed the armour on the table, neatly and careful for it not to tumble onto the floor. He walked into the luke water and purred in relief as it started cooling down his aroused body. He was so caught up in his cleaning that he missed the hurried steps behind him.
Now one would be angry at oneself because a soldier should never ever be caught unrepeated and with his back vulnerable, but it was difficult to be anything but stuck dumb. There he was. Blue eyes watching Dean with acute interest and a bit of shock, but mostly with something that would even make Venus blush. Dean noticed how the eyes hungrily gazed at his body and he couldn't help, but preen a little. This was what he wanted, was it not? A proper response from Castiel.
Dean noticed how Castiel tried to give retorts and he even told him that the baths were free to be used anytime, which meant that that rule of going to the baths only after your master never applied here with Castiel. He climbed out of the water, looking at Castiel and noticing his open stare. He grinned a little as he moved to the table with his tunic and armour. The man stopped staring and Dean could clearly see the way his back was tensed. Dean licked his lips and sauntered over to Castiel, standing close to him and actually smelling the faint aroma of musk and fresh flowers.
Merula had no doubt changed those flowers on Castiel's table, a bunch of new summer flowers that were now making Dean relate Castiel to summer.
"My lord, you look flushed. Still not feeling well? Maybe you should go back to your bed." Dean spoke those words in what was his best come-hither voice. Really, it made even the strongest of women fall down in his bed.
It was a true miracle that this man was still standing even as those dark eyelashes fanned over his blushed cheeks. Castiel dismissed him and Dean almost started pouting. He just nodded, realising that perhaps Castiel needed more time. So Dean shall give him more time. Besides, it wasn't not like he had to do anything else apart from keeping an eye on Castiel.
It was all in a fog still. Castiel reached the doors of his estate and went inside the house without a word, not even aware that Merula even spoke, but he knew the news will be known soon enough. Castiel reached his room and closed the doors, sliding slowly to the ground as the shock wore off. The realisation dawned on him and he took a deep breath as his chest constricted. He was getting married. He was getting married. To the emperor's sister Livia. It was insane and stupid and completely wrong.
And Castiel couldn't breathe. He knew there was nothing he could do. He hadn't been able to reject the emperor's match to his sister and he had gone well ahead and already announced the marriage. Castiel felt sick to his stomach. Livia was not a match for him. She was a manipulative woman who only wanted fame and wealth and the power that came with it all. How do you live in a wedlock with such a person? Commodus thought they were perfect for each other and he wanted Castiel to be officially a part of their family. What family, Castiel had to wonder. Family didn't do this to each other.
Castiel knew that the emperor only wanted good things for him and he wanted him to finally have a family of his own, but it wasn't what Castiel wanted. He had never once in his divine glory gone and asked Castiel what he wanted. Arranged marriage with such a woman was not something he wanted. He bit his lip as he watched the sun set again and wondered when everything had gone so wrong. He could run of course, but that was something he was thought to never do. He couldn't do this to the memory of his own father and mother. All roads led to one destination. A marriage he never wanted.
It was well into the night when Castiel finally emerged from the room and walked to the kitchen. He was finally hungry and his stomach settled. He slowly padded through the house and reached the kitchen, which had still had a light on. Castiel looked around and saw Dean sitting at the table. Eating bread, grapes and drinking something. He gazed at the man and suddenly envied his freedom. Hazel eyes looked up at him and Dean stood up.
"Sir?" Concerned voice interrupted the silence of the night and Castiel kept gazing at the man. "Are you well? We were all worried about you."
Castiel could vaguely remember Merula knocking on his door, but he had informed her that he'd been alright and that he would come out eventually. Knowing Merula, that surely hadn't been enough, but she'd backed away anyway, letting him have his space.
"I'm... hungry." He wanted to say so many things, but the words just weren't coming out.
Dean nodded and turned around, no doubt getting food for him. Castiel would argue, but he couldn't do that either. He felt hollow and dead and such a bloody coward. He could have said no. Of course the emperor would have disliked that, but if he had been so bound on being a family and considered Castiel a brother, then he would have damn well listen to him. But Castiel had been a coward. He had feared loosing everything because he just said no. That was the problem. He never had anything and now he had a home he actually wanted to keep. Castiel hadn't wanted to loose a good friend in the emperor, so he'd just said thank you.
"Sir?" Hazel eyes suddenly swam before him and Castiel blinked, jerking away in shock. "I apologize for startling you, but you looked... You looked lost."
Castiel watched those hazel eyes gaze at him and he couldn't stop thinking about how just days ago he had seen fire and heat in them as those honey like lips had kissed his. Suddenly the problem of the bodyguard who wanted to have sex with him was such a ridiculous problem. He looked down and saw Dean holding the plate with bread, meat and potato for him.
"Merula knew you would emerge from the room eventually so she kept a warm plate for you." Dean said and Castiel felt his heart break. That woman was just magnificent. Truly like a mother to him. She would be disappointed in him when she found out what he had done.
"Thank you." The desire to eat faded away slowly, but he still took it from Dean and walked over to the table. He sat down in the chair and breathed.
Dean moved in his peripheral vision and sat down at his spot, watching him. Castiel could feel those eyes on him, but he just stared at the food on his table. A real homemade meal. Memories started rushing through his mind and he wished everything had been different. He would never have a home and family with Livia. His life was pretty much ruined now.
"I'm getting married." Castiel blurted out after what felt like hours of silence and staring at the meal in front of him.
"Oh, sir. Congratulations are in order then." Dean said, but as Castiel looked up at him he saw no real excitement about it. Pretty much it summed up the way Castiel felt.
"I would say thank you, but there is nothing to be thankful for." When did he start to confine in his own guard so much? It was as if he felt he could do it with Dean.
His hazel eyes watching with rapt attention and Castiel never looked away, facing the challenge. He wanted something. Anything that would make him feel like his life wouldn't end in three weeks.
Judging by the expression on Dean's face, he didn't understand and Castiel really didn't want to explain. What was there to say anyway? It wasn't like Castiel wanted it. He rarely wanted things in his life and lately the only two things he wanted were peace and quiet. Well, actually that was a lie. He started wanting a certain hazel-eyed man who had stormed in his life and created a great commotion. And made him start to wonder about things.
Philosophy was simple, although it might look difficult to take in. But it was truly simple in its own sense. Humans tended to complicate everything and so we all ended up with more things on our hands than we could actually handle. Rationality was important and impulse behaviour was frowned upon. Humans however, were clearly creatures of impulsion, of primal desires and wants that drove them insane. Some called it love, some called it lust and some said it was both. But Castiel had to forget all of his lusts and desires and just think straight.
"It's arranged. Commodus wishes me to marry his sister." Castiel said and felt his chest constrict again. His throat clenched and formed a lump that made it hard to swallow.
Dean didn't understand. One moment everything was fine and he was waiting for Castiel to emerge from the emperor's study room and the next Castiel stormed out with no word and just locked himself up in his room when they came home. It was really weird, but Dean figured it was just Castiel being Castiel. Little did he know that the man will drop such a shock on him in the middle of the night.
The man just walked in and Dean was actually happy to see him fine and well, in one piece. Dean knew Castiel was crazy and when he god his dark mood on the injustice in the world and how poor people get treated, so Dean was worried. Hence he stood in front of his doors for three hours. Of course Merula asked him to check on Castiel, but Dean was about to do it himself. Dean couldn't exactly pinpoint the moment when he started to care about Castiel, but he was pretty deeply involved with it now. Sure, he wanted to press that lithe body against the wall, and taste and feel that perfect skin he knew was just under the toga. But it was becoming something more.
Those blue eyes looked so lost and broken that Dean just wanted to pick up the pieces and mend him back together. He shook his head on it and asked about his welfare instead. When Castiel said he was hungry, Dean knew what to do. That was why he is still up and about. Merula had left the plate for Castiel when he got out of the safety of his room and faced the world. And Dean wanted to be there when it happened. Because he just didn't know what had happened. What could have possibly upset Castiel this much?
Castiel took the plate and sat down, and Dean realised something. His blue eyes held no spark anymore. They were almost grey and he thought it was because of the dark, but he could recall when it had been really dark yet Castiel's eyes had blazed with fire. Then Castiel told him the reason of his turmoil and Dean was almost too shocked to respond. Something in his chest was dying slowly as the air suddenly tensed. He vaguely remembered himself congratulating the man, but wasn't really sure what he had said. Maybe something bad because Castiel looked as if he wasn't happy.
Dean stood up and went straight for the amphora with wine. This conversation needed liquor. Dean felt pain in his chest, but he ignored it. He was not in love with the man, why should he even care about his arranged marriage?
"I envy your freedom, Dean." Castiel suddenly spoke from somewhere close and Dean turns around to see him standing right there, next to him. He was holding a cup in his hand and offering it for Dean to pour his wine.
Dean just laughed at Castiel's words. He wasn't free. He was a soldier of a crazy emperor and a guard to Castiel. That was no freedom. He couldn't go anywhere he wanted. Dean had always liked that when he'd still been a kid. His mother had taken him all over the Roman Empire and the life on the road had truly suited him. Then she had died and Dean had been shipped off to his father who then had trained him as a loyal soldier to the emperor.
"I was never married, but I doubt it's a death trap. People do it all the time." Dean offered some humour to resolve the growing tension as he poured the wine in Castiel's cup.
Castiel gave him a look that could only be described as 'then you do it'. Dean knew he shouldn't laugh at the misery of his master, but it was Dean's coping mechanism. Just like Castiel's was to lock himself into a room and overanalyse it all.
"I doubt anybody would be happy in an arranged marriage." Castiel grumbled as he drank his wine, blue eyes still at the shade of dull grey.
Dean wanted to say that not everybody got what they wanted, but he doubted that would make Castiel feel any better. He wanted to offer some form of comfort, but he figured it wouldn't help.
"You can always get drunk..." Dean suggested and raised the amphora of wine.
Castiel raised an eyebrow and sighed. It was probably not the best idea, but if Dean knew something, that was how to deal with crap in his life. Drinking and having sex was how Dean usually dealt with his problems. Nobody said it was healthy, but it was definitely working.
"There isn't enough of wine in this world." Castiel mumbled and finished his cup.
Dean chuckled and shrugged, not sure why this was such a problem. Alright, he was marrying to a really crazy woman and it wasn't his own wish, but he will at least have a family and he wouldn't be alone. Even if Dean never showed it, he hated being alone all the time. It was probably the reason why he loved this house so much. Here one felt like home.
"I envy your ability to go after what you want." Castiel said and Dean blinked at him, not understanding what he meant by it.
"That's hardly the reality in my world." Dean said and Castiel stared up at him with his big blue eyes. They looked so sad and lost.
Dean for some reason just wanted to embrace the lost man and tell him that the world was a wonderful place and that everything would be alright, but he doubted Castiel would appreciate the lies.
"It will be hard to pretend. I don't think I will be able to do it." Somehow this sounded so honest. But why would Castiel even want to pretend?
"You can always say no." Dean offers, shrugging as he filled their cups with more wine. "You said it yourself, the emperor is like a brother to you. I'm sure he will understand if he wishes you well in life and this makes you miserable."
It made sense in Dean's head, but somehow saying it aloud and combining it with Castiel's snort, Dean figured it wasn't as easy. Dean slowly sipped his wine, not wanting to risk the sense of a drunken haze. He might not pay attention well while in such a state and he knew Castiel demanded his attention right now.
"I risk a lot by doing that. Besides, it's not like I ever wanted anything for myself." Castiel said and looked away, the tone of his voice and the way his brows frowned gave away a sense of guilt.
Dean ended up shocked for a second by Castiel's exclamation that he never wanted anything for himself. Not that Dean ever thought Castiel was one of those wealthy patrician that got everything they wanted, but Castiel could get some of the things he wanted.
"I doubt that. Every man and woman and child desires and wants. That's the great philosophy of life. Every man wants something in life, even when he buries it too deep for even himself to understand." Dean said and finished his glass of wine when blue eyes gazed at him. Something was stirring inside them.
Dean considered himself a simple man. He was a soldier, he wanted to do his job well and so he did. When he grew older, he wanted a nice house and perhaps a good wife to care for his sorry ass.
"Oh I want. But I can't have it." There was challenge in Castiel's eyes, one that said that his words were carved on stone and could not be changed. But Dean knew better.
"What do you want?" Maybe Dean could help him getting it. That question suddenly made Castiel's eyes blaze with something so incredible that it made Dean gasp.
"I want you."