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I first realized my life was about to change three days before it happened.

I couldn't have known the extent of it. On the surface, the change was simply one of staff. No switching of personnel had ever caused a reaction in me. I had no reason to believe this one would be any different.

Even if I had known what was to happen, I wouldn't have 'beamed with excitement' at the thought of becoming more than I was.

Of course, most people would assume it was because of my Vulcan heritage. From childhood, we are told that our emotions are too fierce, and that we could hurt ourselves and others by letting them reign free.

But no other Vulcan is me. I am unique.

Of course, I am the first Vulcan-Human hybrid. Many people I have met, most from Vulcan and from Earth, have felt the need to comment on this singularity. Through these conversations, I have learned that many consider me an abomination and some consider me a messianic figure. Very few look upon me as simply a sentient being.

Although those who are looking for a deity are bound to be disappointed, those who believe I am the devil may be correct. For it isn't only my half-human genes that make me different than those around me. Most of my difference comes from those fierce emotions I am supposed to have.

The ones that I don't have.

I have been praised by some of my compatriots for being a perfect follower of Surak, fit for the Kohlinar. Those people might think differently if they knew I have never felt happiness or anger, sadness or fear. I have never had to repress, let go of, sublimate, or harness my feelings.

That fact would make many of them uncomfortable.

Even Vulcans have their emotional prejudices.

But I am not villified nor praised for this life I lead, not by the High Council, not by the Kohlinar, not by the Vulcan Science Academy. Because nobody knows.

Nobody knows that behind my veneer of calmness instilled by the teachings of Surak there is...nothing.

Nobody, that is, except my father, Ambassador Sarek.

Most Vulcans believe they want a truly unemotional child. It was Surak's dream that we would completely tame our inner selves. To live up to that dream would be a high honor to most of my species.

But my father knew it was a drawback.

He knew how it infuriated my mother, how it interfered with relations with other species, how it dulled one's very existence.

But he also knew he couldn't give me feelings. So he taught me the art of mimickry.

The humans I know would claim there isn't much expression to copy in my brethren. I beg to differ. Although Vulcans attempt to remain completely passive, they often give themselves away by minute facial expressions and simple choices.

When he realized what I was, my father taught me how to blend in with other Vulcans by copying their small cues. I learned when each of them was appropriate and how to go about expressing them in a way that looked natural.

When my father first began teaching me, I was skeptical of my ability to copy these subtle hints and of his belief that others would not notice my fakery.

But the mimickry worked. I glided through my schooling with nobody the wiser.

So my father continued to advise me about emotional expression throughout my life. In addition, he taught me how to deal with an impulse I could not control.

To feel anything at all, I need to invade and overwhelm the mind of another. The result was akin to a drug high in a human. It was extremely pleasurable, and would give me a feeling of contentment. But the effects did not last. After a time (the length of which depends on many factors), my mind insisted I find another victim.

Because my psychic abilities were extremely strong, even for a Vulcan, those who I overwhelmed were often at risk of dying or going mad. So when Father discovered my need, he was horrified. He almost appeared human in his fear of me.

But then he realized I couldn't control the need. It would take over my thoughts and irritate me as an insect bite would irritate my skin. It would not leave me alone until I invaded someone's mind.

Therefore, my father taught me how to satisfy my need safely by giving me a set of rules to follow. The first and most important of these was to remain undetected. For if others found out, I would most likely be incarcerated or killed.

I understood, in theory, that Father cared for me and wanted to protect me. So I followed his code. By doing so, my life became easier, more predictable. Less...irritating.

It was only when I was offered a place at the Vulcan Science Academy that I varied from my father's plan. Sarek wanted me to join the VSA, as I was rather adept in the adaptive sciences, and could pursue them with minimal interaction with others.

In a move that surprised everyone, I refused their invitation and decided to join Starfleet instead.

My father was angry with my choice when he heard my statement from his seat at the council table. He had had my best interests in mind when he voted for my entry. But he did not realize that I wanted to reach beyond the zone of safety that he had created for me.

Despite my father's anger, in all the ways that count, my defiance went well. The council saw a calmly rational Vulcan make an unexpected choice. My father saw a being who had successfully learned to copy the emotional expressions of others, even though he felt nothing himself.

I saw an opportunity that I would never have on Vulcan.

When my father asked me about my choice later that day, I tried to explain that I did not make it in rebellion against his teachings. It was because he taught me so well that I decided Starfleet was my best recourse.

'I have learned all I can about feelings on Vulcan, Father. If I am truly to learn about emotional nuances, I need to be among people who express them. Because Starfleet is predominantly a human institution, I am guaranteed to interact with emotional beings there. There is also the added incentive of testing my cover. If I can fool them, I have truly learned your lessons well.'

After my explanation, my father could no longer challenge the logic of my choice. He did, however, question its wisdom.

I didn't understand his concern until I met my classmates at the Academy.

As I am sure Sarek suspected would happen, I found Starfleet Academy intellectually easy but a challenge for my emotional acumen.

My difficulties started the first day, when I met a group of friends who lived in my dormitory. The concept of friendship was strange to me. It was most illogical.

Why would a person rely on one or two others to aid in their day-to-day living? Would it not be more advantageous to consult experts when one experiences a problem? Was that not what relationship counselors, social scientists, and biology experts were for?

Gossip was also a point of difficulty, as I was often the subject of it.

Why was the comparison of my ears to those of mythical creatures, both benevolent and evil, such an interesting conversation? I was not capable of transforming myself into any of them on moonless nights. I also did not understand why the gossipers believed the points on my ears would help during sexual congress, or why the human females bumped into me 'accidentally' in order to touch them.

To add to my discomfort, there were also many times that I had to satisfy the *need*.

But I found Earth advantageous in this regard. Humans were easy to overwhelm psychically. They were also easy to read. It made following my father's code quite simple.

So although I had difficulty blending in, I did not arouse suspicion that I was capable of doing anything more dangerous than making females 'swoon' as they walked past me.

Luckily for my reputation (as I was later to find out), I went through my classes at the Academy at 1.5 times the speed of most humans, and was able to finish early.

Once leaving the Academy, I served as science officer on the Enterprise, a Constitution-class ship under the command of Captain Christopher Pike. This assignment was an appropriate one for me, because Captain Pike quickly let it be known that he did not tolerate gossip. So within days of coming aboard, I no longer had to deal with unforseen collisions with females or rumors that maligned me.

And I found Pike a most able teacher of emotional mimickry.

The captain was a quiet man who made his wishes known in careful wording rather than the extreme outbursts I had seen some of my teachers use. When situations became difficult on missions, a simple smile or frown motivated his crew to strive as hard as necessary.

He was also willing to explain the rationales of his expressions, as it was obvious they perplexed me.

*This* is what I had been searching for when I joined the Academy, a person whose demeanor matched a Vulcan's in many ways but who had the flexibility to use emotional displays when necessary. He was an excellent model for me.

I spent seven years learning under his auspices. Although we ended our service together in good stead, he never knew my actual intentions. He truly believed that he was instructing me about when it was proper to 'let the mask slip' instead of how to manufacture a response.

The deception was necessary. Sarek had made me understand from an early age that those without feelings, not just hiding them as most Vulcans do, frightened others.

Their fear came from the fact that emotions often reminded people of what was right or wrong. Without them, I was dangerous. I had no internal voice to correct my decisions or to police my actions.

That was why Sarek taught me to observe beings more closely that even other Vulcans do. I needed guidance. Without it, I would become the monster he feared.

Even with the code, on this ship, I was always one step away from disaster. Against my father's better judgement, I had put myself in public view. This, of course, made any mistakes I made that much more costly.

So when Captain Pike was severely injured in an attack and had to resign his position, I actually felt a second of trepidation.

No, I was not worried for the captain. I felt no loss of friendship at his exit. It was for myself I was concerned.

I would have to convince another captain that I was like any other Vulcan. And this time I would have to do it from the new captain's side.

For I had been promoted to First Officer. I was to be the captain's 'conscience' and caretaker, according to my predecessor. As uncomfortable as I found those ideas, my other assignment was more troubling. I was now responsible for policing those under me.

I almost refused the promotion when I met with Admiral Nogura. My observations had allowed me to understand that by taking this position, I was putting myself and everyone around me at risk. How was I, with no moral code of my own, to make judgments on the conduct of others?

But my hand was forced. The new Captain Kirk had seen my records and wanted me in the position. And Starfleet wanted Kirk. He was the 'up and coming star' of the Fleet and they wanted to make sure they did not lose him to a mercenary ship or a rich government.

For a reason I could not fathom, he wouldn't sit in the captain's chair unless I was by his side.

True to form, Starfleet Command responded to his demand with one of its own. I was informed that the only way I could refuse the position was if I resigned.

Resigning would not have caused me distress. I wouldn't have felt humiliated or thought of myself as a failure if I had returned home. In fact, my life would have been easier if I took the position the VSA had kept open for me in the laboratories.

So why did I stay on the Enterprise and take the promotion?

Quite simply, I wanted to know why the new captain wanted me there.

So I prepared to take my assigned position. The quartermaster helped me move my belongings into my new cabin. The exiting first officer briefed me on procedure. I helped supervise the crew exchange at Starbase 10.

All while my new fate, in the guise of the newly appointed James Tiberius Kirk, made his three day journey from Earth.

It was to be my last three days of calm.

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end part 1

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The first time I saw Captain Kirk, I knew the change in my life was going to be more dramatic than I had anticipated. This man was not calmly rational like Captain Pike. Kirk was more like my suitemate in the Academy, who was nicknamed 'The Tornado' as a way of describing how quickly he took over social interactions.

The captain was greeting some of the new officers we had taken on board when I went to meet him.

Unlike Pike, who greeted most of his acquaintances with a respectful nod and a handshake, Kirk used pats on the shoulder and beaming smiles quite liberally.

That was only the first of a large list of differences I found between my two superior officers.

The captain spotted me a few minutes after I had entered the shuttlebay in which he had made his entry.

'Commander.' He smiled, waving the other officers aside so he could greet me. 'I have heard many good things about you.' Oddly, that smile caused in me a need to reach toward him. As I did not know what that impulse meant, and most beings would consider it inappropriate, I pushed it away in favor of a more reasonable response.

I gave a short bow acknowledging his words, but did not offer an equal statement of praise. It would be a lie to do so, as I had only heard about how demanding he had been when taking the position.

Kirk did not seem to mind as he moved the conversation to more important topics. 'I saw that all the staff changes are in order. You work quickly. Thank you.' He smiled again, and again I had to suppress a desire to reach toward him. 'Do we have an assignment yet?'

'We are to begin trade negotiations with the inhabitants of Reteen.' I said, falling in step with the captain as he made his way out of the shuttlebay.

His face changed expression rather suddenly. Although I had very little to compare it to, I surmised he felt anxious or upset.

Since I did not understand his distress, I did not comment on it. It was better to research details concerning Reteen later that day and attempt to correlate the data with emotional responses.

I returned to my cabin during my afternoon break and looked at the alignment of Reteen to other solar bodies in the region. When I saw the planets near our destination, it was not difficult to understand his reaction.

Reteen was near Tarsus IV, a planet still scorned by many, and the subject of others' nightmares.

These were the reactions of the people who had only heard of the events that took place there.

The reactions of those who experienced the events were often more intense. There were those who coped by surrounding themselves with family and friends, those who sought professional help for the disorders caused by the stress, those who suffered in silence, and those who took their own lives to escape the pain of remembering what they had witnessed.

And then there was me. Due to my circumstances during the events that killed so many, my mind took a desperate course to deal with a situation I had barely understood.

I began emulating the being who had taught me the meaning of pain at the age of four. As a result, I haven't felt any emotion for more than a few milliseconds since then.

In the parlance of humans, Kodos the Executioner made me what I am today.

After my research, it was easy to understand Captain Kirk's reluctance to journey to Reteen.

But at the time I was talking to the Captain, I did not have access to this information, so I continued our discussion of the mission. 'Will we be allowed to bargain as we need?'

Kirk's face became thoughtful. 'I think so. Nogura seems eager to get my feet wet. He wants to see what I'm capable of.'

I nodded and kept silent as we walked to Kirk's quarters. Similar to most Vulcans, I was rather inept at what humans call 'small talk'. Inanities were illogical, and when used, they tended to produce unexpected responses in humans. It was best to avoid casual speech at the moment. I could easily interpret the captain's reactions incorrectly and cause an incident.

The captain broke the silence at his cabin. 'The quartermaster told me we would be sharing a bathroom. Make sure to tell me if I get in your way in the morning, especially since we need to be on the bridge at the same time.'

I suspected that this was supposed to be a friendly overture, so I carefully chose words that I hoped would be an equitable exchange. 'I do not anticipate any problems, but please inform me if I cause any interruptions of your routine. Your presence is more necessary on the bridge than mine.'

I must have failed in my attempt because Kirk frowned as he entered his quarters. But he didn't say anything to help me interpret the reason for his displeasure. Instead he simply said that he would meet me on the bridge in thirty minutes.

When he joined me there, I began to fully appreciate how difficult my life was about to become.

As Science Officer under Captain Pike, I was not required to do more than offer the facts of a situation and perhaps a conclusion concerning those facts.

As First Officer, it was necessary to do more, much more. I needed to speculate on others' thoughts, emotions, and actions in order to advise my captain of the proper course in a situation.

My first attempt at this was within minutes of Kirk walking onto the bridge.

'I would like you to help me plan a dinner where I can sit down with all the departments heads and get to know them.' Kirk said to me as he took the captain's chair.

'Yes, Captain.' I said, retrieving a PADD so I could take notes on Kirk's requirements. I began offering suggestions from the the arrangements Pike had made for diplomatic dinners, but the new captain refused them, saying that those plans were too formal for what he had in mind.

It was to my advantage as a new first officer that Kirk was not ostentacious. He wanted simple fare, simple drapings, and a round table so all felt equal, or so he said. I failed to see how the shape of the furniture could affect one's perceptions of power. But I believed it would be a mistake to say so. Therefore, I silently wrote down his requests.

But his desire for equality made my job easier. My orders to the quartermaster were reasonable and were able to be met before the occasion the next day.

These simple requests were not what I expected from the man who would not captain this ship unless I was by his side. I believed that one's behavior in one situation automatically translated to others. For did I not have to pretend in all situations?

But before I could do more than note my mistake, the captain gave me another task that made understanding him even more difficult.

'Oh, and I'd like you to join me for dinner tonight, if you have no other plans.' When I said I did not, Kirk relaxed into his chair. 'Good. 1900 hours in the rec room nearest our quarters?'

I nodded in agreement, although I would have preferred to refuse. For I was concerned that I might make a mistake in his presence that would reveal my true nature. Most of the more obvious mistakes I made have been during personal conversations.

They included such grevious errors as appearing pleased when a cadet acquaintance of mine told me he 'dumped' his girlfriend. Through him, I learned that relationship breakups require a mourning period, no matter if the person lost was perfect or the mythical devil himself. That mourning required the person, and everyone around him, to have the saddest expressions possible until the person recovered.

Another mistake that came to mind was walking away from a female who said that 'nothing was wrong' while she was crying. I did not realize that the statement should be translated as 'pursue me and force me to tell you the truth' until she threw a PADD at my back.

However, since I knew it was best to cooperate with our new captain, I could not reasonably say no.

At the end of the night, I came to the conclusion that I would have missed much if I had refused.

Conversing with my new captain was enlightening.

From the minute I entered the recreation room that evening, I could see he was a man who did not stand on ceremony. He conversed easily with the other people in the room as he waited for me to retrieve my salad from the replicator.

The three engineering ensigns asked him about the other ships he had been on, as well as the captains he had served under. All three gave him the respect he was due according to his rank, but by the way they spoke, they made it clear they considered him 'one of them.'

But, as he did in the shuttlebay, he was quick to excuse himself when I sat down. 'Thank you for coming.' He smiled in a way I assumed was friendly. 'I know I've given you a lot to adjust to. I'm sorry to take away your private time, but I thought it best to get to know you now so we look a little more like a command team when I meet the department heads.'

'That is logical.' I said, intrigued by the way he channelled his casual attitude into what appeared to be efficient leadership.

As we ate, his logic became even more apparent. He asked me about each department, how well it functioned, the good and bad points of its personnel, and some pertinent personal information about each of the department heads. This last task was most difficult, as he did not specify what he meant by 'pertinent'.

Seeing my confusion, he explained. 'Well, I read your file many times before I chose you for my first officer. Of course, there was a lot of important information like your test scores, your service record, and your commendations. All of those were pretty impressive. But other pieces of information were just as important. You are an ambassador's son. That could make our lives easier or harder depending on our mission. You are very respected by Captain Pike. All his reviews pointed out your strengths: organization, swiftness, focus. But he also noted where you have difficulties, such as how you relate with others.'

He put up his hand as I was about to comment. 'We all have weaknesses. I will let you in on one of mine.' He paused for a minute, and took a deep breath. My father once told me this was how humans gathered resolve to do something difficult.

When the captain continued, his voice was calm, but he was looking away from me. 'If I screw something up, it tends to haunt me forever. I have a hard time letting go of my mistakes.'

Kirk took another deep breath and looked me straight in the eye. 'That's why I took you on as first officer. I want to help you. I owe you...for what you did the first time we were together.'

I blinked. Unless my memory was faulty, I had never met this man before that morning.

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end part 2