A/N: *Sigh* This was pretty rushed at the end so...please be kind! haha...This is Natalie's POV the night before Diana is scheduled to have the ECT. It's a ton of Henry/Natalie fluff...A lot of the references to 'she' is Diana and 'he' is Gabe...just to clear things up...ugh...tech week this week...insanely long rehearsals for Seussical...oh well! It's gonna be a great show...PLEASE R&R!
Disclaimer: I don't own Next to Normal...*sigh* If I did i would be playing Natalie at the moment and i would get to personally know Aaron Tveit...then i'd be REALLY happy...and I'd also be bestest buddies with Adam Chanler-Berat and Louis Hobson...(Ya gotta love them...)
It was unusually warm for January. Of course, what do I know about unusual?
Welcome to the wonderful world of Natalie Olivia Goodman. If you look to your left, you can see my insane mother, my father who tries to apparently "cope," and, oh! Look at that! A "rare" occurrence! My dead brother who's made his way back into our lives! Yes, folks, this completes our tour! Oh wait! You can't forget about my annoyingly opposite stoner boyfriend who got me hooked on drugs! Oh, yes! A day in the life…
God, I wish I could just die sometimes…No. I'm serious. I'd rather be dead than be here. My mother's crazy. There's no better way to put it than that.
Crazy.
And ever since Gabe's been showing up again, life in the Goodman household has been hell. Mom's lost it, dad's ignoring it, and me? I'm suffering through it. Ok, so maybe she forgot almost every single birthday you had? So she never showed up to any of your piano recitals? Or to your eighth grade graduation? So what if you have to miss parties every weekend to drive her to her appointments? Well, I can tell you none of those things matter.
If you were normal, of course. I'm not normal. As much as I wanna lie and say that I am, I'm not. Not at all.
Mom's going in for her new treatment tomorrow. Of course, I think it's stupid as hell.
They call it ECT. I call it suicide.
Just hours after she tried to kill herself they propose that they shock her until she's sane? It won't work. Trust me. Nothing ever does. He keeps coming back and she keeps getting weirder.
It was her last night with us before going in. I couldn't bear to stay home with that tension. I called up Henry, which is what I usually do when I'm in these situations. He answered, cool, calm. "Hey. What's up?"
I just groaned. "Don't ask…"
"I already did." I rolled my eyes at him, even though he couldn't see it.
"You know what's going on."
"No…can't say that I do."
"Mom's going in tomorrow. You know, for her death sentence." He sighed pretty audibly. I just hoped that he didn't want me to confront her or anything. That's his new thing lately. Forget the drugs, talk to her. Yeah…right.
"I'm sure she'll be fine. There's nothing to worry about."
"Yes there is…Look, can you just come pick me up? I need to get my mind off of this."
Once again, he sighed reluctantly. "Yeah. I'll be over in a minute." "Thanks. I'll see you then. Bye."
"Bye." And he hung up. Relieved, I jumped onto my bed, staring out the window. The tiny pile of filthy snow was melting on the ground bellow. I wondered what it would feel like if you were snow. You fall, you stay for a while, people dig you up and throw you aside, and then you slowly melt away. But then you always come back.
Huh…sounds like Gabe to me…He's her equivalent to snow. Only she wants him to come back while regular people hate snow. I saw Henry's beaten up Chevy pull into my driveway. I quickly ran downstairs, checking my makeup, to get the hell out of this house.
I quickly shouted, "I'm going out! I'll be back later…" and walked out the door.
Who knew that clubbing could be such a stress reliever? I just felt like my troubles were lifted from my shoulders once I hit the scene. Enough worrying, I tell myself. Just let go of it…maybe she'll get better…maybe this'll work…I scoffed as these thoughts crossed my mind.
We were out for hours doing nothing productive. I started to settle down and relax a bit. We found a table and sat down. I saw his deep brown eyes sparkle as he smiled at me. "So what exactly is this treatment your mom's getting?" he asked all too stupidly ruining the moment.
I groaned and said, angrily, "It's ECT. Electroconvulsive friggen' therapy."
"And you don't think it's safe?"
"Would you call sending uncontrolled waves of electric current into your brain safe?" He shrugged, reclining in the little metal chair he sat in.
"Carrie Fisher had it…"
"Carrie Fisher had it? Wow, Henry, that really boosts my confidence in this…"
"What? I'm just trying to help…But what about you? Are youok with this?"
I shook my head, miserably averting his eyes. I wasn't ok with it. I never was ok with any of it…They never once thought about me, and how it would affect me. I mean, I'm their daughter…All I could say was, "Would you miss me if I died?"
He gave me this confused sort of look and sat forward in the chair. "Why would you need to ask me that?"
After a short pause, I admitted, "'Cause I wanna die…" and hid my head in my arms on the table. I could feel the tears building in my eyes. I didn't want to cry…I didn't want him to see me cry…I'm always the strong one…The one who never lets their problems show. Until recently. I'm sick of the pain. I'm sick of the anger. I want it to stop…
I felt his hand gently rest on my shoulder. I heard him whisper in my ear, "I'd miss you." I lifted my head, wiping the tears away.
"You have to say that. You're my boyfriend…"
"No," he said, pulling me into an embrace. "I mean it. You're not just my girlfriend, Nat. You're my best friend…If you died…I couldn't live knowing that there's no longer anything worth living for…"
I closed my eyes and the tears fell again. Oddly enough, I found comfort in his arms. So it was true. I wanted to die. I can't stand life anymore…but then he came along…That asshole is gonna be the death of me some day…
Still crying, I tried to protest, "But I'm invisible. To everyone…"
He kissed me and looked into my eyes. "You're not invisible to me…"
He drove me home right after that. Of course, there's dad as usual flipping out with his 'where the hell where you?' crap. I just shook my head and walked past him. I could care less about them now…I had someone who loved me…And truthfully speaking, if it wasn't for Henry I think I would've been dead by now…
He helped me to understand the situation. Death….death is the end (Well, in most cases, not exactly with ours, thanks Gabe). It may seem like a perfect getaway. But life can be better. Mom left that next morning for her treatment. Two weeks she'll be gone…Maybe this time it'll work. Maybe she'll be back to normal…maybe I can be normal…Maybe Gabe won't come back…who knows?
Life is hard…all you need is a little light in the dark…
A/N: AWWWWWW! Tell me what you think! Is it too melodramatic? oh well...REVIEWS PLEASE!