MEMO:
To: The Finest Crew in Starfleet
From: Captain James T. Kirk
Re: Recent Questionable Crew Behavior
It has not failed to escape my attention that there have been several recent instances of members of the crew of Enterprise violating, flaunting, reinterpreting, and/or blatantly ignoring some of the rules which are intended to govern the conduct of those serving on this starship. While I make every attempt to fulfill our need for free self expression while simultaneously adhering to the conduct expected by Starfleet Command, the balance between these two has tipped toward errant behavior in recent weeks. As such, I am requesting that each member of my crew – the finest in Starfleet – remain cognizant of the following inviolable rules of conduct:
1) I am the first to admit that I enjoy wearing jeans at every possible, appropriate opportunity. I do not, however, wear them on the Bridge, especially not while I am on duty. This is an important distinction some members of the crew have failed to make. We do not now nor have we ever observed the custom of casual Fridays. We don't even have Fridays in space. Please cease and desist from wearing jeans when you are on duty. The next crewmember so discovered will be put on report and will be working gamma shift for the next quarter. And don't think I don't know that gamma shift does it too. I have seen the security tapes.
2) I may or may not be aware of the purported still which may or may not operate unobserved and unacknowledged aboard this ship. Note that up until now I have never mentioned this hypothetical violation of Starfleet regulation 874.52(b)*(7). However, if one more crewmember reports or attempts to report to duty having recently visited this alleged well of spirits, I will personally beam the reputed still into deep space. No, I'm not kidding, even if I have to have Scotty sedated first.
3) Ensign Chekov is admittedly among the very youngest of our young crew. (I know for a fact that the mean age of our crew skews the Starfleet average lower by almost a decade.) There is, however, a limit to the number of times anyone can be subjected to hearing that he reminds you of your little brother back home, or your former girl/boyfriend's younger brother, or your first crush in elementary school; or more generally, that he is too adorable for words. Chekov is a respected member of our Bridge crew, not a Labrador puppy who would actually like being patted on the head. (And no, you cannot adopt Chekov. His parents – who are still very much alive and well in Russia – would strenuously object.)
4) Dr. McCoy only administers those medications he deems scientifically and medically appropriate. He has not and will not ever prescribe medication and/or therapy simply because "he does not like you." He's grumpy to everyone, including me. (You know it's true, Bones.) Stop coming to me to tell me that he injected you with Rosestar Fire Tea just because he was in a particularly bad mood when you were in sickbay. He didn't. And it doesn't matter how many times you tell me he did. (As a side note, resist at all cost the temptation to tell him how to treat your latest injury/illness/complaint. It only serves to make him more angry.)
5) Lieutenant M'Ress' diet consists primarily of milk based nutrients. Her meals are carefully balanced with the essential minerals and vitamins that she requires for her continued good health. Under no circumstances is it appropriate to ask M'Ress to borrow a cup of milk. Not to make hot chocolate. Not to put in a cake mix. Not to sooth the itch of dry, flaky skin. It is wrong. Stop asking her.
6) Whomever reprogrammed the replicators in general mess so that they only produce pancakes is to reverse the programming immediately. It was amusing for the first few days. However, there are only so many pancakes anyone can be expected to ingest. And Scotty has been unable to eradicate the malignant code so that they will begin operating normally. I suggest the culprit fixes the replicators before I assist the Lt. Commander in tracing the code back to the originating computer terminal. (And you know that I can.) I promise you that you will not like the results if Scotty finds out who did it. He and I will both make certain. Consider yourself warned.
7) As with the possible existence of the supposed still, I have attempted to not notice that many of the crew, from time to time, engage in what may or may not be illicit wagering. Surely this does not occur as that would be a violation of Starfleet regulations 334.7(q)(5s). However, I have heard rumors of the possibility of clandestine speculation concerning various amorous liaisons aboard our ship. Seriously, stop betting and just ask them. And Sulu, if I hear that the subject of one more of your trifectas is on who I may or may not sleep with next, you may not live long enough to collect any of those bets. Or pay them off. Understood?
8) I do not object to any member of this crew having a personal page on SpaceBook. I do not object to the existence of the "Enterprise General" pages. I do not object to the invitations that are sent to all of your actual and virtual "friends." (Although I do think sending invitations to mandatory drills is ridiculous and/or redundant. But, hey, to each his/her own!) I do, however, object strenuously to anyone posting, reading, updating, playing on, or otherwise visiting their page(s) while on duty. Stop! If this behavior continues unabated, I will block SpaceBook from the ship's computers. Doesn't it occur to you that if you post a status update in the middle of Alpha shift when you are assigned to Alpha shift that I'll figure out you did it while on duty? And as I am required to review and sign any and all shift rosters, including reassignments and/or "trades," I do know that you were in fact on duty when you simply had to inform all of your "friends" that "The brunette is five minutes from saying yes to me. LOL." Yes, I can tell time.
9) I enjoy fine cinematic presentations as much as the next person. If you want to have a Star Wars marathon in Rec Room 3, I'm all about it. (Although I do think you would be better off skipping 1, 2, and 3 but that is just my personal preference.) Gone With The Wind? A fine example of classic of Earth cinema. War and Peace, Unabridged? Sure, go for it, all 14 hours of it. Debbie Does Delta Vega? Absolutely not. Orion Girls Acting Badly on Springbreak? Not on my ship. Let's consider the difference for a moment. Or allow me to sum it up: STOP SHOWING PORN. This is the very last time I am warning you. The next crewmember caught with any type of pornographic media outside of his/her quarters will be brought up on charges and court-martialed. This is non-negotiable and I will have you arrested. And just for the record, I do NOT own any of the porn titles listed. They are just random examples which I found in the Intergalactic Movie Database, a fine storehouse of information on all types of movies and other media.
10) There will be a mandatory series of workshops on "Starfleet Regulations I Must Know, Love, and Follow". Each and every crewmember is required to attend all five of these seminars. Attendance will be taken. Those who fail to appear will be officially reprimanded. See your direct supervisor for your assigned times and locations. (Please note that mandatory means "authoritatively ordered; obligatory; compulsory" – i.e. you will be there.)
MEMO:
To: Captain James T. Kirk
From: Lt. Sulu
Re: Possible Clandestine Speculation
Captain,
I'm really sorry. I won't do it again. Truthfully, I didn't think you would find out. Would you be wiling to tell me who told you? I'm always looking for a new fencing partner.
Apologetically yours,
Hikaru Sulu
MEMO:
To: Lt. Sulu
From: Captain James T. Kirk
Re: Apology Accepted
No, I won't tell you who told me. And I'm guessing by "fencing partner" you really mean "target whom you fully intend to run through completely by accident."
MEMO:
To: Captain James T. Kirk
From: Chief Engineer Scott
Re: Your Memo Concerning Crew Behavior
Captain,
I'm sorry about those crew who showed up for their shifts less than able to perform their responsibilities to the very best of their abilities. If I were privy to the whereabouts of the alleged still you alluded to (which I'm not since it surely does not exist), I would advise those who are stationed nearest to it to question the crew as to whether or not they are expected on duty. But of course this is all pure speculation.
Also, thanks for helping me correct the replicator programming. If you were to accidentally tell me who did it, the atmospheric controls in their quarters might inadvertently begin to malfunction.
Gratefully and watchfully yours,
Scotty
MEMO:
To: Chief Engineer Scott
From: Captain James T. Kirk
Re: Your Response to My Memo Concerning Crew Behavior
Scotty,
Since you don't know anything about there being a still on board Enterprise, and most especially don't know that it might be located in Engineering, I appreciate your offer to help ensure no more of the crew report for duty drunk.
No, I'm not going to tell you who reprogrammed the replicators. I told you that already. I'll take care of it. You have my word. Revenge is mine, sayeth the Captain.
MEMO:
To: Captain James T. Kirk
From: Ensign Pavel Chekov
Re: Thank you!
Captain,
Since you issued your memo, no one has patted me on the head. And I haven't had to explain to anyone that my Мать и отец (mother and father) have no intentions of putting me up for adoption.
I don't mind being called adorable but I do prefer handsome, brilliant, suave, worldly. I'm not saying I am any of those things, yet. But I'd like to be, just like you are.
Appreciatively yours,
Pavel
MEMO:
To: Ensign Pavel Chekov
From: Captain James T. Kirk
Re: You're Welcome
Pavel,
Please do remember that anyone placed on a pedestal is bound to fall from it eventually. Especially starship captains.
MEMO:
To: Captain James T. Kirk
From: CMO Leonard McCoy
Re: You Are Officially No Longer My Best Friend
"Grumpy?" Seriously? "In a particularly bad mood?" You haven't seen a bad mood, buddy! "It makes him even more angry?" Really? Don't speak to me again. Not ever. I mean it.
MEMO:
To: CMO Leonard McCoy
From: Captain James T. Kirk
Re: You Will Be My BFF Until One or Both of Us Die
I love you, man.
MEMO:
To: Captain Kirk
From: Commander Spock
Re: I Request Clarification on Several Points In Your Memo re: Crew Behavior
I have read, several times, the memo you issued on "Questionable Crew Behavior." I have enumerated below those items which I find confusing and/or generally unclear. I trust that we will have time soon to discuss these points so that I may achieve an appropriate level of elucidation:
1) I have been witness to several occasions during which you wore your favorite blue jeans while on the Bridge, despite your assertions to the contrary. I take your memo to mean that you will not wear them while on duty in the future. Also, I would like your assurance that you do not intend to stop wearing them altogether, especially during your time off-duty.
2) Why do you condemn activities in which you actively participate? This is a Human characteristic I do not think I will ever fully comprehend.
3) Ensign Chekov has been extremely patient with the condescension to which he has been repeatedly subjected. If the crew is more respectful of his person, his rank, and his abilities as a result of your directive, I predict that the "hero worship" which the Ensign currently is unable to hide will increase dramatically. (This may be a possible negative side effect of having issued those particular instructions.)
4) I will not be accompanying you to sickbay for the foreseeable future. If you are unable to arrive there unaided, you will need to request assistance from another officer. I am all too aware of the wrath that is a scorned Dr. McCoy. I will not willingly subject myself his temper, even though his acerbic diatribes will be directed at you rather than me. (On a side note, I was under the impression that I was considered your best friend. Is this assumption no longer valid?)
5) If there are crewmembers who wish to utilize dairy products for the purposes you describe, why do they not simply ask for replicated milk? Why possibly endanger the well-being of Lt. M'Ress by requesting that she surrender her allotment of milk-based nourishment for their own purposes? Are there crewmembers who do not wish to see Lt. M'Ress flourish as a valued member of Enterprise crew?
6) It was great relief that the crew discovered that the tampering with the replicators in General Mess had been rectified. They expressed their appreciation to me and asked that I convey same to you. I fail to understand, however, why you did not reverse the errant programming sooner. All Captains have override for all replicators. You could have prevented the carbohydrate overload from the first day it began. Why did you choose to allow the replicators to continue to produce only pancakes?
7) I refer you to my question #2 above.
8) May I request, again, that you explain to me the reason for the existence of SpaceBook? Why does any member of the crew request to "friend" me? We work and live on the same spaceship. Why do I need to be anyone's virtual "friend"? And what is the purpose of the "status updates"? Is it important for those serving on this ship to know that you were late for your shift because you were otherwise occupied in your quarters and lost track of time? I think not.
9) I refer you to my question #2 above. (I do acknowledge, however, that none of the types of materials you refer to in item #9 that are in your possession have been seen outside of quarters.)
10) I have completed my preparation for the workshops I will be conducting: "Appropriate Starfleet Decorum," "Respect for all Lifeforms," and "Responsibilities and Duties of All Starfleet Personnel." I trust that you will be equally prepared for your workshops. Should you require any assistance in preparing for your seminars, I will be fully available to you after our current shift is concluded.
Curiously yours,
Spock
MEMO:
To: Spock
From: Jim
Re: Your Request for Clarification
Love,
We'll "discuss" the finer points of my memo after our shift. Allow me, however, to address some of your concerns prior to that (much anticipated) time.
1) Of course I won't stop wearing my blue jeans when we're off-duty. Why would I ever deprive you of the opportunity to remove them so that you can have your way with me? And those times I wore them on the Bridge were anomalies. Really. And I have no plans to do it again. I really can't now, can I?
2) We aren't allowed to have stills on board. I know that, you know that, Scotty knows that. But I'm willing to continue to allow ours if the crew can just stop drinking before their duty shift. Humans are sometimes forced by circumstances, rank, and/or society to publically condemn those activities in which they themselves enjoy engaging. Don't try to understand it on a logical basis. Trust me that it's something we do and we get it.
3) Yeah, the hero worship thing is just about out of control. It's apparently a professional hazard of starship captains. (Not that I can blame him, being uber-awesome as I am.) I guess I need to talk to him, again. I can't really wait for him to outgrow it, can I?
4) Bones will get over being mad at me soon enough. He always does. If you want to be a chicken and stay away when I inevitably have to go see him the next time, fine. Also, he's my best friend-I-don't-have-sex-with. You are my best friend-lover-soulmate-bondmate. Our kind of BFF (with benefits) way outweighs Bones' status of BFF (without benefits.)
5) M'Ress' milk is real. Replicated milk isn't. A fine distinction but one that does make a difference. You'll just have to trust me on this one.
6) I didn't fix the replicators sooner because I wanted a chance to catch the person who did it. And I did. Lieutenant Senacki was dating Lieutenant Powell who is perpetually on a diet. Lt. Senacki wanted Lt. Powell to gain weight so Bones could put him on an even more restricted diet. Lt. Senacki finally came to me and apologized. I put her on report and she will be working Gamma shift for the next quarter. I'm sorry you'll be without her on Beta shift but she has to understand the severe consequences of making her lovers' quarrel so public and so inconvenient to everyone. Lt. Powell confided to me that he's hoping to make up with Lt. Senacki so that their on-again off-again relationship will be on once more. I'm skeptical but you have to give him credit for his devotion. And his forgiving attitude.
7) It's okay with me if the crew engages in wagering, as long as it does not involve me or you or our love-life. Sulu taking bets on me sleeping with Uhura or Bones or some as yet unidentified crewmember/diplomat/lifeform we may encounter on our next away mission is extremely disrespectful to you. He knows we're bonded. The entire crew knows we're bonded. Starfleet knows we're bonded. Anyone who accepts one of his wagers on me having sex with anyone but you is taking a fool's gamble. And he knows it.
8) Really, love, stop trying to understand the appeal of SpaceBook. You never will. Humans have a need to connect to each other – a genetic imperative. Yes, the status updates are stupid. And no, the crew didn't really need to know I reported late to the Bridge because you were in the middle of driving me wild with your tongue. (Although it is still surprises the hell out of me that you lost track of time. We'll have to try the Pendari two-step again soon. Maybe on shore leave.)
9) Some of the porn I supposedly own is yours. Don't pretend it's not. And I refer you to my answer to your inquiry #2 for further explanation as to why I have to tell them to stop showing it. And I did say to stop showing it in public. I have no intention of stopping our private showings.
10) Yes, I am fully prepared for my workshops: "Anti-Harassment Training: Gender-based, Age-based, Species-based, Religion-based – All Biases Equally Abhorrent," and "Alerting Your Superior Officers to Ill-advised Activities is NOT Tattling." I will, however, gladly accept your offer to help me make absolutely certain that I am prepared. Now would be good. Since Alpha shift is officially over. I'll be waiting in our quarters. Wearing (temporarily) your favorite blue jeans. Do hurry.