Okay, so I'm insane.
WE'VE GOT FANFIC!!!!!!!!!
[Fade in on Mike and the bots sitting by their computer. Mike and Crow look glumly at the printouts]
MIKE: [whining] Tom, why are you making me read these journals...you know I never read anything but engine manuals and the occasional Playboy...what's this game called again?
TOM: [sputtering] A...a game? You dare call Myst, best selling game series of all time, wonderous and beautiful, a mere GAME? Mike, how COULD you?
CROW: [coughing] Nerd! [coughing]
MIKE: Is that it, Tom? Are you trying to turn me into a nerd?
TOM: This coming from a guy who names the RAM chips in his computer.
MIKE: Hey, at least I don't spend all my time looking at a slideshow!
TOM: [growls] It is NOT a slideshow! You try making a real-time game with photo-realistic graphics sometime and see how YOU turn out!
CROW: There already is! You can be a winner at the game of Life! Spin the wheel!
TOM: Oh shut up! [Appealing] Look, if you'd just try it for five freaking seconds...
CROW: I tried it once. The flying made me sick and I threw up on the keyboard. My mouse cursed me out!
MIKE: All right, all right...we'll take a look at a journal. [cough] Nerd [cough]
TOM: This one's about the Stoneship Age.
CROW: Why isn't it called the Stoneship World?
TOM: [flat]............. Because they're called Ages.
CROW: But-
[Mike puts hand over Crows beak]
MIKE: Easy there, tiger.
TOM: Can we get started...now...PLEASE?!
MIKE: You know, I'm sensing anger here.
CROW: Mmmmph!
[The first page opens.]
--Emmit was the first to live on The Rocks.
CROW: Hey Mike, I thought you were the first one to live in the Rocks. Did they ever throw you out of that bar?
MIKE: [sighs] My tab ran out. [drunk voice] Then...then I dishcovered...pissh and mom's nail polish make a mean..mean cocktail...
TOM: You're never opening me up again.
He named them The Rocks because
CROW: The Stones would have kicked his copyright-infringing-get-no-satisfaction ass!
MIKE: I don't know, with a name like Emmit, you'd better watch out. [snort]
TOM: Give it a chance, guys!
that is what they were: a group of sharp rocks clustered together in the middle of
a large sea. This was where Emmit lived; he enjoyed his life.
MIKE: And Emmit and his rock friends lived happily ever after.
CROW: The End! [They start to shut the book]
TOM:DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!
MIKE: [muttering] Okay, okay...sheesh...
CROW: [coughing]Nerd! [coughing]
Emmit would occasionally swim to nearby rocks, as it was never too far of a distance.
ALL: Da dum, da dum, da dum, da dum, da dum, da dum....
One day another person appeared on The Rocks, for no apparent reason to
Emmit.
MIKE: As opposed to all the other people who beamed in with a reason.
CROW: [gasps] He's gonna take his rocks away!
TOM: Nononono!
Emmit named this new person, Branch.
MIKE: And I'm his buddy Stick!
CROW: And I'm his midget friend Twig! [elbows Tom]
[Tom groans]
Emmit and Branch quickly became friends, swimming and hunting for fish together often. Emmit showed
Branch the simple cave in which he lived on the largest rock. Soon, Branch
discovered a place where he decided to live, also on the same large rock
MIKE: Wait a minute...I've seen this movie before...Cast Away!
CROW: WIIIIIIIIIIIILSOOOOOOOOOOOON!
TOM: Okay, okay, so it's no James Bond novel.
CROW: Where's the babes in bikinis that appear out of thin air?
The sun always shone brightly on their world, and the water was always dazzlingly
clear,
TOM: Thanks too Chlori-clean pool cleaner! Burning your eyes for 30 years! Available at Ace Hardware.
allowing them to see almost to the deep ocean floor which surrounded
them. Though the sun always shone, it was never too hot for the boys.
A light breeze always came from the north and cooled the area down.
MIKE: [low voice] Tom. What are you doing? Why are you doing this to me?
TOM: [pats Mike on the back] It's for your own good.
CROW: [weatherman voice] Looks like El Nino won't affect us this year, folks. There's a light breeze coming in from the north. Watch for cats and dogs and young boys, however.
One day while Branch was swimming and having fun in the water he noticed
another boy swimming.
ALL: Ahhhhhhhhhh! Another one!
Branch brought the new boy to Emmit to find out what
to call the new boy.
MIKE: Alfalfa!
CROW: Wilson!
TOM: Arrrrrgh!
Emmit said the boy should be called Will.
CROW: Hah! I was the closest, I was the closest, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah!
Will was soon a part of the group, and all three of the boys swam and enjoyed their perfect world.
MIKE: And they lived happily ever after....again...
CROW: The....End...? [looks at TOM, who shakes his head] Damn.
TOM: [looking at the sky] Lord, please, deliver me from evil!
At least, that is the story I was told when I arrived today on the island. Emmit,
Branch, and Will were surprised to see me at first, but even before the night
ended we were all becoming good friends.
MIKE: Who's talking? And why does he sound like a producer of porn movies?
TOM: [digging claw marks into his bubble head] That's Atrus. He's the one who wrote the Age.
CROW: You mean, if he writes about the world in a book, it comes true?
TOM: Um...well...I guess you could put it that way...
CROW: Ahem...and anybody can learn this?
TOM: Um...Crow...you've got that look in your eye again...
CROW: And...tell me...why has this game not had us lazing our butts off at the Casa del Rio with margaritas and getting oiled up by babes while reading the latest issue of Harley Davidson by now??!!
MIKE: [perks up] Hey...yeah, why not?
TOM: You two have no sense of adventure whatsoever.
CROW: Hey, I've got adventure oozing out of my diodes!
--Today the second day on this newly created age a strange thing happened.
CROW: [In prissy voice] Ow, I broke a nail!
It was not strange to me but the three boys did not understand what was
happening.
MIKE: [nods sagely] I remember puberty too.
CROW/TOM: EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!
While I was relaxing under a large tree on one of the smaller rock
islands, it began to rain.
ALL: IT'S RAINING MEN...HALLELUJAH, IT'S RAINING MEN!
It was a nice rain that lasted for about an hour in the
morning.
CROW:[weatherman report] Looks like a nice rain today, followed by a happy hurricaine and a terrific tornado. Brought to you by Clark Bars, the candy bar that's not afraid to say "Hey, it's okay to get zits!"
I explained to the boys that the rain was not harmful, yet they obviously
still feared it.
MIKE: At least it's not the Threads.
TOM: I don't understand why you read THAT, and yet you can't read this!
CROW: [patronizing] World of difference, Tom my lad.
TOM: Crow, I'm not playing D & D with you anymore.
CROW: [gasp]
Before going to sleep tonight I told the boys I would leave the
following day. I told them that while I was gone, I would make a surprising
change in their world.
CROW: Yes! Tomorrow the women will be beaming in! Roooowr!
MIKE: Will they get their own rocks?
TOM: YES. [throws up hands] They get their own FRIGGIN' rocks.
CROW: Hey, you didn't HAVE to force us to read it! I was all set to go through my bubblegum collection and my Magic: The Gathering cards, but noooooooooooo!
MIKE: That's all you ever spend your money on. [turns to Tom] And you! When's the last time you bought me anything?
TOM: Still want that Ferarri for your birthday Mike?
MIKE: [little voice] I'll be good.
--I still do not fully understand what happened today.
CROW: I don't understand this writing style. No climax, no clear beginning, no defined characters, just Will and an Emmet wannabe and Twig there...
TOM: So it's not Shakespeare. Sue me!
CROW: [chides] Now, Tom, it's not Atrus's fault that he went from writing normal books to a Victorian style of neo-classical prose that makes no sense.
MIKE: Crow! How many times have I told you, no downloading encyclopedias and grammar guides before 'Scrabble and Spontaneous College Level Composition Night'?
CROW: [stuffy British voice] Michael, you are being insufferably crude to the angular point of potential disturbance. Now, be a good homo sapien and fix me a spot of boiling water steeped with dried and crushed leaves, flavored with herbs.
[Mike just sits there]
TOM: Mike, he said he'd like a cup of tea.
I was experimenting with The Art - testing the limits of the rules as dictated to
me by Father.
CROW: He's gonna get a spanking!
MIKE: I chopped down the cherry tree with my own little hatchet!
I attempted to create a boat by writing it into the world. I thought
everything was planned correctly, yet somehow the boat had become gripped by
the rock and broken in half. Although this test did not turn out as I had hoped, I
now have answers to a few of the questions my father never answered.
CROW: Yeah...questions like...can I write a boat into a world. [blinks]
TOM: He shouldn't have tried to write something so complex.
MIKE: Ah...it all makes sense n-...no, no, I'm wrong.
CROW: And another thing...see, Atrus himself uses the word "world!" So why isn't it called the Stoneship World, Tom??
TOM: [hisses] It. Just. ISN'T!
MIKE: Now who needs a spanking?
As for the boat, I can see the boys enjoy it anyway and with that I am pleased.
They have played on it all day.
MIKE: What is it, the Carnival Cruise? Buffets and alcohol round the clock?
CROW: If they could see me now, that little head of mine...I'm eating fancy food and drinking fancy wine!
TOM: Crow, what did we tell you about singing?
Even though the boat cannot move I have enjoyed studying from it. It is a much
sturdier platform than the jagged rocks.
MIKE: [Johnny Carson voice] Thank you, I did not know that.
In the course of my observations I have learned some very interesting things
regarding the solar system of this age.
TOM/MIKE: Space...the final frontier...these are the voyages of the Starship-
CROW: Booooooooooooooooooooring!
--The nights are absolutely beautiful here. I have made note of and named a
number of constellations that pass above me.
MIKE: His life's one thrill after another, isn't it.
CROW: Lessee...Alfred the horse, John the hose, Laddie the dog, Tom the [coughing]Nerd![coughing]
TOM: Hey!
MIKE: [mutteres]Crow the crazed....
Also during the night, I catch glimmers of
CROW: hope, that the story doesen't get worse!
MIKE: sanity, that we'll have some by the end of the night??
TOM: light, you idiots. Keep reading!!!
light from the horizon which I have not been able to discover if it is created by some natural phenomenon or by additional people on far off islands or rocks.
ALL: Let us tell you a tale, a fatefull tale, a tale of a fatefull trip!
CROW: So THAT'S where Gilligan is!
MIKE: I wonder if the Love Boat is around here somewhere.
I should very much like to discover which. (I rather suspect it is additional people, which would explain the appearance of Branch and Will.)
TOM: We never do find out if there are more people on the Age.
CROW: Tom, Tom, Tom, you're saying that like you're talking to somebody who gives a-[Mike throws hand across Crow's mouth]
--The rain today was slightly heavier than usual.
MIKE: AGAIN with the rain! Where are we, Seattle?
CROW: [weatherman's voice] The rain was heavier than usual today, weighing as much as a millionth more of an ounce than it usually weighs...God help us all, yadda, yadda, yadda. And today celebrating her 100th birthday is Gypsy...she really does look her age, doesn't she folks? [All snicker]
TOM: Don't let her catch you saying that!
Just when the boys were getting used to the light rains, a small storm arrived. They were frightened of the heavier rain, not to mention the thunder and lightning. If rain has never fallen
here until recently, as the boys tell me, I would like to discover why it is falling now.
CROW: [puts on glasses] Well, Atrus, you see, in layman's terms, we have what is called a water cycle. The water evaporates from the ocean, is carried overland by clouds, and dumped on the earth. This results in a phenomona known as, "Holy BEEP, my basement's flooding!"
MIKE: I'm cutting off your Internet access.
TOM: Don't do that, he won't get his porn fix, then he'll be even more annoying.
CROW: The Sorceress Hazel is 34-36-34. Likes include Brooms,
Cackling, and turning things into Toads. Dislikes include
Pointy Hats, Broom Burn, and Bad-Tasting Potions.
MIKE: Gee, those likes sound suspiciously like Pearl's...[everybody shudders]
Regardless, I have decided to return home for a short while. I have also
been thinking of some plans for a lighthouse that I hope to construct soon. I think
that perhaps by shining a light toward the horizon, it might prove my suspicions
regarding additional inhabitants. They would be curious about the light and travel
to discover its source - if they have the means.
MIKE: Unless they're a species of giant moth!
CROW: Then they'll all die trying to get to it!
ALL: MOOOOOTHRAAAA!
I returned with many tools that I will need for construction of the lighthouse. I
have decided that once the lighthouse is completed I will leave for some time
and let the world's own imagination have control.
CROW: Atrus, you pagan you! Letting nature take it's course. Gaea be praised!
TOM: I always build lighthouses in my spare time.
MIKE: [blinking] You can't construct a lincoln log house.
TOM: Well maybe if I'd been built with flexible HANDS, I could build one, you ever think of that?!
CROW: Hostilities rising by a warp factor 5, Mr. Mike!
--We have worked three weeks on the lighthouse now, and are making great
progress.
MIKE: Now he'll go read some Tolsty to relax.
The rock that we are building on, seems to not be a secure as I would
like. I have had to alter my plans slightly, but those alterations pose no real problem.
CROW: Whew. For a minute there I nearly increased my breathing.
TOM: I'm noting your sarcasm.
MIKE: [hyperventalating into a paper bag]
--The boys are quite strong and have been helping me immensely.
CROW: Yeah, I bet they ha-
TOM/MIKE: CROW!!
I estimate construction will be done within two days.
MIKE: And if not, no soup for you!
--The lighthouse is finished and we are all proud of our creation. The boys are
amazed at the structure wrought from rock with their own hands.
CROW: [imitating boys] Ooooow, I got blisters and my back hurts!
MIKE: [stern Atrus voice] Now boys, don't make me write in heavier rain now.
CROW: We'll be good!
That evening we powered up the generator
ALL: It's Morphin' Time!!
much to the boys' dread at first, and shined a
great light to the horizon for many hours.
CROW: Don't go into the light, Carol Ann!
TOM: No, come into the light!
MIKE: I'm cancelling the cable.
I stayed the night in the top of the
lighthouse and in the morning awoke to observe the sunrise without my being
coated with the chilly blanket of ocean dew I had become accustomed to.
CROW: He would be more tasty with a fine coating of marinara sauce.
[They look at him.] What?
--It was Will who first saw the girl. She was swimming not far from the boat
where Will was getting ready to hunt for fish.
CROW: Woowoo! It's about time! Go get her Wilson! A hunting we will go! [crows]
MIKE: What if she's a bit on the chunky side and he harpoons her?
Then Will noticed a man not far away from the girl. Emmit was very pleased to meet the additional neighbors.
MIKE: But Will was coldly smouldering in rage. He had seen the girl first. Even now, he was plotting a nefarious murder of the most vile proportions. The girl would be his.
CROW: Mwahahahahahahaha. Now this story is finally getting good!
TOM: Uh, guys-
MIKE: And if Emmit was going to get in his way...then he'd just have to go too! Twig as well. And then, the girl would be his!
CROW: MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, I can't wait to see what happens next!
TOM: GUYS! You're only reading what you want to see!
CROW: SHHHHH! [Looks sadly at Mike] Mike, I'm sorry, but that isn't happening.
MIKE: [looking like he's about to cry] But...but...but...
TOM: [soothingly] There, there...it'll be over soon. It's only a few more pages. Not very long.
CROW: Even Atrus can't keep this up forever.
TOM: Obviously you haven't seen the four other journals he's wrote, not to mention all the Ages he's written.
CROW: [eyes bugging out] Quiet you fool, you'll scare Mike!
MIKE: I'm okay now. [sad, tired voice] Let's just get this over with.
I feel pleased to leave this age
MIKE: You have no idea!
- I have set in motion events that have nothing to
do with writing or The Art, that will have a more profound impact on this world
than I could have ever written.
CROW: Atrus...kindly D'ni writer, or deity wanna-be?
TOM: Wait a minute...how do you know he's D'ni? I never told you about that.
CROW: [looks away, whistling] Oh...uh...well...I picked it up from the pages...
TOM: [suspicious] You sure you've never played Myst before?
MIKE: [hastily] Yes, I am. I mean, yes, he is!
I think (two page spread of age map here) of this
CROW: Oooooo...let's get the crayons!
TOM: Noooooooooo!
age as a gift to myself that I will wrap up and open someday in the future, only
MIKE: [sniffs] Guys, someday, I'll give you the world. And I'll find my dog Rocky...and...and marry a nice girl with a white picket fence....
TOM: Mike?
CROW: I think Mike's stack of butter has fallen off his waffles.
to discover that it has changed so much that indeed it is a surprise. Besides I
have yet another new age that awaits me. It seems I'm going to need some way
to travel underwater in this new age, and so much planning is in order.
ALL: Un-der the Seeeeea...Un-der the Seeeeeea...!
--It has been 10 years since I left this age,
CROW: Oh, NICE pacing, Atrus. BOOM, we're ten years into the future!
TOM: It's called Artistic License.
MIKE: Artistic License, Schmartistic License, it's a tad jarring!
CROW: Maybe Atrus can write a DeLorean into the world.
TOM: AGE!
CROW: WORLD!
which I have since called The Stoneship Age.
TOM: Ah-HAH!
CROW: Okay, okay, so it's Stoneship Age. Big, fat, hairy deal. Blow it out your hardrive.
Upon returning I can not believe the changes that have taken
place. The original 3 "boys" have grown unto adults, and there are many new
faces that I do not recognize.
CROW: So many movies to make!
TOM/MIKE: CROW!!
Branch told me that it has not rained for seven years and the cool breezes are back again.
CROW: Hey, I'm the weatherman here, Twig! I'll say when the cool breezes are back in this shindig. Now get me my iced mocha and tell me how heavy the rain is!
They are all very content
MIKE: Like we used to be.
CROW: Thanks Tom!
TOM: Can you blame me for trying to show you a meaningful part of my life?
CROW: Do I try to bring you into Magic: the Gathering? Does Mike try to show you the essence of his mannequin collection?
TOM: His what?
MIKE: NEVER MIND!
and have been serving me with new foods
CROW: Wow...you mean you can COOK fish now?
TOM: Seaweed: It's not just for skin wrapping anymore.
MIKE: I just thought of something...what would they drink? I mean, it's all salt water and their aren't any lakes around...[looks at Tom staring at him] Artistic License?
TOM: Bingo.
and showing me new materials they have discovered.
MIKE: Lessee...now this here rock is more gray than this here other rock...
CROW: I was thinking latex...
TOM/MIKE: NO you weren't!!
It even seems they have found
gold somewhere; I see it in many forms around the island.
CROW: [evil Scarface voice] First you get de money. Den you get de power. Den you get de women.
MIKE: Don't ever do that again!
My lighthouse has been kept in perfect condition and it looks as if they have tried
MIKE: To turn it into a frat house?
CROW: Used it for a diving board?
TOM: Burned giant moths with it?
Yet I have noted that the entire rock it was built on
has sunk approximately 40 or 50 centimeters.
CROW: Wait a minute, there's only one more sentence, it's...it's over?!
MIKE: Yeah...what the heck is this? What kind of a journal IS this?
TOM: Quiet and read!
After a wonderful visit with my old friends, I wonder aloud with them what
things will be like here in another 10 years.
MIKE/CROW: [Gasp in unison] It's OVER! Free at last, Lord Almighty, we're free at last!
CROW: We won't be there to see it! Ha-HAH!
TOM: [sniff] You didn't like it?
MIKE: Um...
CROW: Well...
TOM: What?!
MIKE: For a guy who can write anything, Tom, Atrus is kinda...well...boring.
CROW: Yeah! If I could do that, I 'd be-
TOM: We know where you'd be. Off galavanting around with some floozy and shooting your mouth off at your subjects!
CROW: SEE! You DO understand!
MIKE: I mean...we've got a ship stuck in some rocks, three lazy boys who are named after sticks and are afraid of rain, and they build a lighthouse. Whoopdee-doo.
CROW: I think Atrus suffers from writers block. Pacing is all wrong, it jumps around...no clear beginning or characters definition...
TOM: What are you, a literary critic? You think Tolkien is something you put into an arcade game!
MIKE: It's not all bad, Tom. [pats him on the back] It's just not for us.
TOM: [crestfallen] Isn't it a wonderful idea though? Couldn't you picture it in your mind, the wonder of the Art, a ship appearing in stone, the mysterious rocks and the flashing lights? The people? Anything? [They stare at him] Nevermind.
CROW: Well, off to make my hobbit feet. [turns to leave]
TOM: Wouldn't you rather read the next journals? [pleading look]
MIKE: Now Tom, we've suffered enough for one day. I don't know if I'll ever play the piano again!
TOM: But...but...Channelwood has talking monkeys!
CROW: [freezes] What did you say?
TOM: Talking monkeys!
CROW: You KNOW how I feel about Planet of the Apes...I'm sold already! What else?
TOM: [perking up] Well...um...Mechanical has pirate battles...
MIKE: All right! Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! Arrgh, me mateys...shiver me timbers...I'm the most barnacle brained galoot in the Seven Seas...
CROW:Okay...ah, Mike, no more Yosemite Sam cartoons for you.
MIKE: [Yosemite Sam voice] Quiet, you onery fur-bearing critter, or I'll pump ya full of lead!
TOM: And Selenitic has a meteor shower!
CROW: Woohoo! Armageddon! Can I be Bruce Willis? [imitates Willis voice] I'll sacrifice myself so my daughter can do Ben Affleck...it's all any one man can ask of the world.
TOM: Great! I'll go get the rest of them right now!
MIKE: [looks at beeping moniter] Hang on a sec, Tom, looks like we have a movie coming in...
CROW: Awwww! [put out] What's it called?
MIKE: [looks like he's been stabbed] Cast...
TOM: What's that Mike?
MIKE: [whispers] Cast Away.
ALL: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
WE'VE GOT FANFIC!!!!!!!!!
[Fade in on Mike and the bots sitting by their computer. Mike and Crow look glumly at the printouts]
MIKE: [whining] Tom, why are you making me read these journals...you know I never read anything but engine manuals and the occasional Playboy...what's this game called again?
TOM: [sputtering] A...a game? You dare call Myst, best selling game series of all time, wonderous and beautiful, a mere GAME? Mike, how COULD you?
CROW: [coughing] Nerd! [coughing]
MIKE: Is that it, Tom? Are you trying to turn me into a nerd?
TOM: This coming from a guy who names the RAM chips in his computer.
MIKE: Hey, at least I don't spend all my time looking at a slideshow!
TOM: [growls] It is NOT a slideshow! You try making a real-time game with photo-realistic graphics sometime and see how YOU turn out!
CROW: There already is! You can be a winner at the game of Life! Spin the wheel!
TOM: Oh shut up! [Appealing] Look, if you'd just try it for five freaking seconds...
CROW: I tried it once. The flying made me sick and I threw up on the keyboard. My mouse cursed me out!
MIKE: All right, all right...we'll take a look at a journal. [cough] Nerd [cough]
TOM: This one's about the Stoneship Age.
CROW: Why isn't it called the Stoneship World?
TOM: [flat]............. Because they're called Ages.
CROW: But-
[Mike puts hand over Crows beak]
MIKE: Easy there, tiger.
TOM: Can we get started...now...PLEASE?!
MIKE: You know, I'm sensing anger here.
CROW: Mmmmph!
[The first page opens.]
--Emmit was the first to live on The Rocks.
CROW: Hey Mike, I thought you were the first one to live in the Rocks. Did they ever throw you out of that bar?
MIKE: [sighs] My tab ran out. [drunk voice] Then...then I dishcovered...pissh and mom's nail polish make a mean..mean cocktail...
TOM: You're never opening me up again.
He named them The Rocks because
CROW: The Stones would have kicked his copyright-infringing-get-no-satisfaction ass!
MIKE: I don't know, with a name like Emmit, you'd better watch out. [snort]
TOM: Give it a chance, guys!
that is what they were: a group of sharp rocks clustered together in the middle of
a large sea. This was where Emmit lived; he enjoyed his life.
MIKE: And Emmit and his rock friends lived happily ever after.
CROW: The End! [They start to shut the book]
TOM:DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!
MIKE: [muttering] Okay, okay...sheesh...
CROW: [coughing]Nerd! [coughing]
Emmit would occasionally swim to nearby rocks, as it was never too far of a distance.
ALL: Da dum, da dum, da dum, da dum, da dum, da dum....
One day another person appeared on The Rocks, for no apparent reason to
Emmit.
MIKE: As opposed to all the other people who beamed in with a reason.
CROW: [gasps] He's gonna take his rocks away!
TOM: Nononono!
Emmit named this new person, Branch.
MIKE: And I'm his buddy Stick!
CROW: And I'm his midget friend Twig! [elbows Tom]
[Tom groans]
Emmit and Branch quickly became friends, swimming and hunting for fish together often. Emmit showed
Branch the simple cave in which he lived on the largest rock. Soon, Branch
discovered a place where he decided to live, also on the same large rock
MIKE: Wait a minute...I've seen this movie before...Cast Away!
CROW: WIIIIIIIIIIIILSOOOOOOOOOOOON!
TOM: Okay, okay, so it's no James Bond novel.
CROW: Where's the babes in bikinis that appear out of thin air?
The sun always shone brightly on their world, and the water was always dazzlingly
clear,
TOM: Thanks too Chlori-clean pool cleaner! Burning your eyes for 30 years! Available at Ace Hardware.
allowing them to see almost to the deep ocean floor which surrounded
them. Though the sun always shone, it was never too hot for the boys.
A light breeze always came from the north and cooled the area down.
MIKE: [low voice] Tom. What are you doing? Why are you doing this to me?
TOM: [pats Mike on the back] It's for your own good.
CROW: [weatherman voice] Looks like El Nino won't affect us this year, folks. There's a light breeze coming in from the north. Watch for cats and dogs and young boys, however.
One day while Branch was swimming and having fun in the water he noticed
another boy swimming.
ALL: Ahhhhhhhhhh! Another one!
Branch brought the new boy to Emmit to find out what
to call the new boy.
MIKE: Alfalfa!
CROW: Wilson!
TOM: Arrrrrgh!
Emmit said the boy should be called Will.
CROW: Hah! I was the closest, I was the closest, Nyah, Nyah, Nyah!
Will was soon a part of the group, and all three of the boys swam and enjoyed their perfect world.
MIKE: And they lived happily ever after....again...
CROW: The....End...? [looks at TOM, who shakes his head] Damn.
TOM: [looking at the sky] Lord, please, deliver me from evil!
At least, that is the story I was told when I arrived today on the island. Emmit,
Branch, and Will were surprised to see me at first, but even before the night
ended we were all becoming good friends.
MIKE: Who's talking? And why does he sound like a producer of porn movies?
TOM: [digging claw marks into his bubble head] That's Atrus. He's the one who wrote the Age.
CROW: You mean, if he writes about the world in a book, it comes true?
TOM: Um...well...I guess you could put it that way...
CROW: Ahem...and anybody can learn this?
TOM: Um...Crow...you've got that look in your eye again...
CROW: And...tell me...why has this game not had us lazing our butts off at the Casa del Rio with margaritas and getting oiled up by babes while reading the latest issue of Harley Davidson by now??!!
MIKE: [perks up] Hey...yeah, why not?
TOM: You two have no sense of adventure whatsoever.
CROW: Hey, I've got adventure oozing out of my diodes!
--Today the second day on this newly created age a strange thing happened.
CROW: [In prissy voice] Ow, I broke a nail!
It was not strange to me but the three boys did not understand what was
happening.
MIKE: [nods sagely] I remember puberty too.
CROW/TOM: EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!
While I was relaxing under a large tree on one of the smaller rock
islands, it began to rain.
ALL: IT'S RAINING MEN...HALLELUJAH, IT'S RAINING MEN!
It was a nice rain that lasted for about an hour in the
morning.
CROW:[weatherman report] Looks like a nice rain today, followed by a happy hurricaine and a terrific tornado. Brought to you by Clark Bars, the candy bar that's not afraid to say "Hey, it's okay to get zits!"
I explained to the boys that the rain was not harmful, yet they obviously
still feared it.
MIKE: At least it's not the Threads.
TOM: I don't understand why you read THAT, and yet you can't read this!
CROW: [patronizing] World of difference, Tom my lad.
TOM: Crow, I'm not playing D & D with you anymore.
CROW: [gasp]
Before going to sleep tonight I told the boys I would leave the
following day. I told them that while I was gone, I would make a surprising
change in their world.
CROW: Yes! Tomorrow the women will be beaming in! Roooowr!
MIKE: Will they get their own rocks?
TOM: YES. [throws up hands] They get their own FRIGGIN' rocks.
CROW: Hey, you didn't HAVE to force us to read it! I was all set to go through my bubblegum collection and my Magic: The Gathering cards, but noooooooooooo!
MIKE: That's all you ever spend your money on. [turns to Tom] And you! When's the last time you bought me anything?
TOM: Still want that Ferarri for your birthday Mike?
MIKE: [little voice] I'll be good.
--I still do not fully understand what happened today.
CROW: I don't understand this writing style. No climax, no clear beginning, no defined characters, just Will and an Emmet wannabe and Twig there...
TOM: So it's not Shakespeare. Sue me!
CROW: [chides] Now, Tom, it's not Atrus's fault that he went from writing normal books to a Victorian style of neo-classical prose that makes no sense.
MIKE: Crow! How many times have I told you, no downloading encyclopedias and grammar guides before 'Scrabble and Spontaneous College Level Composition Night'?
CROW: [stuffy British voice] Michael, you are being insufferably crude to the angular point of potential disturbance. Now, be a good homo sapien and fix me a spot of boiling water steeped with dried and crushed leaves, flavored with herbs.
[Mike just sits there]
TOM: Mike, he said he'd like a cup of tea.
I was experimenting with The Art - testing the limits of the rules as dictated to
me by Father.
CROW: He's gonna get a spanking!
MIKE: I chopped down the cherry tree with my own little hatchet!
I attempted to create a boat by writing it into the world. I thought
everything was planned correctly, yet somehow the boat had become gripped by
the rock and broken in half. Although this test did not turn out as I had hoped, I
now have answers to a few of the questions my father never answered.
CROW: Yeah...questions like...can I write a boat into a world. [blinks]
TOM: He shouldn't have tried to write something so complex.
MIKE: Ah...it all makes sense n-...no, no, I'm wrong.
CROW: And another thing...see, Atrus himself uses the word "world!" So why isn't it called the Stoneship World, Tom??
TOM: [hisses] It. Just. ISN'T!
MIKE: Now who needs a spanking?
As for the boat, I can see the boys enjoy it anyway and with that I am pleased.
They have played on it all day.
MIKE: What is it, the Carnival Cruise? Buffets and alcohol round the clock?
CROW: If they could see me now, that little head of mine...I'm eating fancy food and drinking fancy wine!
TOM: Crow, what did we tell you about singing?
Even though the boat cannot move I have enjoyed studying from it. It is a much
sturdier platform than the jagged rocks.
MIKE: [Johnny Carson voice] Thank you, I did not know that.
In the course of my observations I have learned some very interesting things
regarding the solar system of this age.
TOM/MIKE: Space...the final frontier...these are the voyages of the Starship-
CROW: Booooooooooooooooooooring!
--The nights are absolutely beautiful here. I have made note of and named a
number of constellations that pass above me.
MIKE: His life's one thrill after another, isn't it.
CROW: Lessee...Alfred the horse, John the hose, Laddie the dog, Tom the [coughing]Nerd![coughing]
TOM: Hey!
MIKE: [mutteres]Crow the crazed....
Also during the night, I catch glimmers of
CROW: hope, that the story doesen't get worse!
MIKE: sanity, that we'll have some by the end of the night??
TOM: light, you idiots. Keep reading!!!
light from the horizon which I have not been able to discover if it is created by some natural phenomenon or by additional people on far off islands or rocks.
ALL: Let us tell you a tale, a fatefull tale, a tale of a fatefull trip!
CROW: So THAT'S where Gilligan is!
MIKE: I wonder if the Love Boat is around here somewhere.
I should very much like to discover which. (I rather suspect it is additional people, which would explain the appearance of Branch and Will.)
TOM: We never do find out if there are more people on the Age.
CROW: Tom, Tom, Tom, you're saying that like you're talking to somebody who gives a-[Mike throws hand across Crow's mouth]
--The rain today was slightly heavier than usual.
MIKE: AGAIN with the rain! Where are we, Seattle?
CROW: [weatherman's voice] The rain was heavier than usual today, weighing as much as a millionth more of an ounce than it usually weighs...God help us all, yadda, yadda, yadda. And today celebrating her 100th birthday is Gypsy...she really does look her age, doesn't she folks? [All snicker]
TOM: Don't let her catch you saying that!
Just when the boys were getting used to the light rains, a small storm arrived. They were frightened of the heavier rain, not to mention the thunder and lightning. If rain has never fallen
here until recently, as the boys tell me, I would like to discover why it is falling now.
CROW: [puts on glasses] Well, Atrus, you see, in layman's terms, we have what is called a water cycle. The water evaporates from the ocean, is carried overland by clouds, and dumped on the earth. This results in a phenomona known as, "Holy BEEP, my basement's flooding!"
MIKE: I'm cutting off your Internet access.
TOM: Don't do that, he won't get his porn fix, then he'll be even more annoying.
CROW: The Sorceress Hazel is 34-36-34. Likes include Brooms,
Cackling, and turning things into Toads. Dislikes include
Pointy Hats, Broom Burn, and Bad-Tasting Potions.
MIKE: Gee, those likes sound suspiciously like Pearl's...[everybody shudders]
Regardless, I have decided to return home for a short while. I have also
been thinking of some plans for a lighthouse that I hope to construct soon. I think
that perhaps by shining a light toward the horizon, it might prove my suspicions
regarding additional inhabitants. They would be curious about the light and travel
to discover its source - if they have the means.
MIKE: Unless they're a species of giant moth!
CROW: Then they'll all die trying to get to it!
ALL: MOOOOOTHRAAAA!
I returned with many tools that I will need for construction of the lighthouse. I
have decided that once the lighthouse is completed I will leave for some time
and let the world's own imagination have control.
CROW: Atrus, you pagan you! Letting nature take it's course. Gaea be praised!
TOM: I always build lighthouses in my spare time.
MIKE: [blinking] You can't construct a lincoln log house.
TOM: Well maybe if I'd been built with flexible HANDS, I could build one, you ever think of that?!
CROW: Hostilities rising by a warp factor 5, Mr. Mike!
--We have worked three weeks on the lighthouse now, and are making great
progress.
MIKE: Now he'll go read some Tolsty to relax.
The rock that we are building on, seems to not be a secure as I would
like. I have had to alter my plans slightly, but those alterations pose no real problem.
CROW: Whew. For a minute there I nearly increased my breathing.
TOM: I'm noting your sarcasm.
MIKE: [hyperventalating into a paper bag]
--The boys are quite strong and have been helping me immensely.
CROW: Yeah, I bet they ha-
TOM/MIKE: CROW!!
I estimate construction will be done within two days.
MIKE: And if not, no soup for you!
--The lighthouse is finished and we are all proud of our creation. The boys are
amazed at the structure wrought from rock with their own hands.
CROW: [imitating boys] Ooooow, I got blisters and my back hurts!
MIKE: [stern Atrus voice] Now boys, don't make me write in heavier rain now.
CROW: We'll be good!
That evening we powered up the generator
ALL: It's Morphin' Time!!
much to the boys' dread at first, and shined a
great light to the horizon for many hours.
CROW: Don't go into the light, Carol Ann!
TOM: No, come into the light!
MIKE: I'm cancelling the cable.
I stayed the night in the top of the
lighthouse and in the morning awoke to observe the sunrise without my being
coated with the chilly blanket of ocean dew I had become accustomed to.
CROW: He would be more tasty with a fine coating of marinara sauce.
[They look at him.] What?
--It was Will who first saw the girl. She was swimming not far from the boat
where Will was getting ready to hunt for fish.
CROW: Woowoo! It's about time! Go get her Wilson! A hunting we will go! [crows]
MIKE: What if she's a bit on the chunky side and he harpoons her?
Then Will noticed a man not far away from the girl. Emmit was very pleased to meet the additional neighbors.
MIKE: But Will was coldly smouldering in rage. He had seen the girl first. Even now, he was plotting a nefarious murder of the most vile proportions. The girl would be his.
CROW: Mwahahahahahahaha. Now this story is finally getting good!
TOM: Uh, guys-
MIKE: And if Emmit was going to get in his way...then he'd just have to go too! Twig as well. And then, the girl would be his!
CROW: MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, I can't wait to see what happens next!
TOM: GUYS! You're only reading what you want to see!
CROW: SHHHHH! [Looks sadly at Mike] Mike, I'm sorry, but that isn't happening.
MIKE: [looking like he's about to cry] But...but...but...
TOM: [soothingly] There, there...it'll be over soon. It's only a few more pages. Not very long.
CROW: Even Atrus can't keep this up forever.
TOM: Obviously you haven't seen the four other journals he's wrote, not to mention all the Ages he's written.
CROW: [eyes bugging out] Quiet you fool, you'll scare Mike!
MIKE: I'm okay now. [sad, tired voice] Let's just get this over with.
I feel pleased to leave this age
MIKE: You have no idea!
- I have set in motion events that have nothing to
do with writing or The Art, that will have a more profound impact on this world
than I could have ever written.
CROW: Atrus...kindly D'ni writer, or deity wanna-be?
TOM: Wait a minute...how do you know he's D'ni? I never told you about that.
CROW: [looks away, whistling] Oh...uh...well...I picked it up from the pages...
TOM: [suspicious] You sure you've never played Myst before?
MIKE: [hastily] Yes, I am. I mean, yes, he is!
I think (two page spread of age map here) of this
CROW: Oooooo...let's get the crayons!
TOM: Noooooooooo!
age as a gift to myself that I will wrap up and open someday in the future, only
MIKE: [sniffs] Guys, someday, I'll give you the world. And I'll find my dog Rocky...and...and marry a nice girl with a white picket fence....
TOM: Mike?
CROW: I think Mike's stack of butter has fallen off his waffles.
to discover that it has changed so much that indeed it is a surprise. Besides I
have yet another new age that awaits me. It seems I'm going to need some way
to travel underwater in this new age, and so much planning is in order.
ALL: Un-der the Seeeeea...Un-der the Seeeeeea...!
--It has been 10 years since I left this age,
CROW: Oh, NICE pacing, Atrus. BOOM, we're ten years into the future!
TOM: It's called Artistic License.
MIKE: Artistic License, Schmartistic License, it's a tad jarring!
CROW: Maybe Atrus can write a DeLorean into the world.
TOM: AGE!
CROW: WORLD!
which I have since called The Stoneship Age.
TOM: Ah-HAH!
CROW: Okay, okay, so it's Stoneship Age. Big, fat, hairy deal. Blow it out your hardrive.
Upon returning I can not believe the changes that have taken
place. The original 3 "boys" have grown unto adults, and there are many new
faces that I do not recognize.
CROW: So many movies to make!
TOM/MIKE: CROW!!
Branch told me that it has not rained for seven years and the cool breezes are back again.
CROW: Hey, I'm the weatherman here, Twig! I'll say when the cool breezes are back in this shindig. Now get me my iced mocha and tell me how heavy the rain is!
They are all very content
MIKE: Like we used to be.
CROW: Thanks Tom!
TOM: Can you blame me for trying to show you a meaningful part of my life?
CROW: Do I try to bring you into Magic: the Gathering? Does Mike try to show you the essence of his mannequin collection?
TOM: His what?
MIKE: NEVER MIND!
and have been serving me with new foods
CROW: Wow...you mean you can COOK fish now?
TOM: Seaweed: It's not just for skin wrapping anymore.
MIKE: I just thought of something...what would they drink? I mean, it's all salt water and their aren't any lakes around...[looks at Tom staring at him] Artistic License?
TOM: Bingo.
and showing me new materials they have discovered.
MIKE: Lessee...now this here rock is more gray than this here other rock...
CROW: I was thinking latex...
TOM/MIKE: NO you weren't!!
It even seems they have found
gold somewhere; I see it in many forms around the island.
CROW: [evil Scarface voice] First you get de money. Den you get de power. Den you get de women.
MIKE: Don't ever do that again!
My lighthouse has been kept in perfect condition and it looks as if they have tried
MIKE: To turn it into a frat house?
CROW: Used it for a diving board?
TOM: Burned giant moths with it?
Yet I have noted that the entire rock it was built on
has sunk approximately 40 or 50 centimeters.
CROW: Wait a minute, there's only one more sentence, it's...it's over?!
MIKE: Yeah...what the heck is this? What kind of a journal IS this?
TOM: Quiet and read!
After a wonderful visit with my old friends, I wonder aloud with them what
things will be like here in another 10 years.
MIKE/CROW: [Gasp in unison] It's OVER! Free at last, Lord Almighty, we're free at last!
CROW: We won't be there to see it! Ha-HAH!
TOM: [sniff] You didn't like it?
MIKE: Um...
CROW: Well...
TOM: What?!
MIKE: For a guy who can write anything, Tom, Atrus is kinda...well...boring.
CROW: Yeah! If I could do that, I 'd be-
TOM: We know where you'd be. Off galavanting around with some floozy and shooting your mouth off at your subjects!
CROW: SEE! You DO understand!
MIKE: I mean...we've got a ship stuck in some rocks, three lazy boys who are named after sticks and are afraid of rain, and they build a lighthouse. Whoopdee-doo.
CROW: I think Atrus suffers from writers block. Pacing is all wrong, it jumps around...no clear beginning or characters definition...
TOM: What are you, a literary critic? You think Tolkien is something you put into an arcade game!
MIKE: It's not all bad, Tom. [pats him on the back] It's just not for us.
TOM: [crestfallen] Isn't it a wonderful idea though? Couldn't you picture it in your mind, the wonder of the Art, a ship appearing in stone, the mysterious rocks and the flashing lights? The people? Anything? [They stare at him] Nevermind.
CROW: Well, off to make my hobbit feet. [turns to leave]
TOM: Wouldn't you rather read the next journals? [pleading look]
MIKE: Now Tom, we've suffered enough for one day. I don't know if I'll ever play the piano again!
TOM: But...but...Channelwood has talking monkeys!
CROW: [freezes] What did you say?
TOM: Talking monkeys!
CROW: You KNOW how I feel about Planet of the Apes...I'm sold already! What else?
TOM: [perking up] Well...um...Mechanical has pirate battles...
MIKE: All right! Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! Arrgh, me mateys...shiver me timbers...I'm the most barnacle brained galoot in the Seven Seas...
CROW:Okay...ah, Mike, no more Yosemite Sam cartoons for you.
MIKE: [Yosemite Sam voice] Quiet, you onery fur-bearing critter, or I'll pump ya full of lead!
TOM: And Selenitic has a meteor shower!
CROW: Woohoo! Armageddon! Can I be Bruce Willis? [imitates Willis voice] I'll sacrifice myself so my daughter can do Ben Affleck...it's all any one man can ask of the world.
TOM: Great! I'll go get the rest of them right now!
MIKE: [looks at beeping moniter] Hang on a sec, Tom, looks like we have a movie coming in...
CROW: Awwww! [put out] What's it called?
MIKE: [looks like he's been stabbed] Cast...
TOM: What's that Mike?
MIKE: [whispers] Cast Away.
ALL: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!