AN: Here's chapter four. Some may see some of the content in this chapter as vulgar. Honestly, I'm not sure if I should raise the rating to M. Some of this is a little iffy. My few readers are awesome, yadda, yadda. Enjoy!

Chapter 4: That Was Quick

Kakashi stopped the happily skipping quintet. He made a signal for silence. From his person he drew an odd looking shotgun. Slowly, he crept toward the line of bushes to the group's right.

Naruto was growing tired of his teachers antics. "Kakashi, what the f–"

"Shhh! Be vewy, vewy quiet: I'm hunting wabbits!"

The jounin took a shot into the underbrush, and a white rabbit hopped out indignantly. The three children recognized it immediately and stomped it into the ground. Picking up the cartons of yogurt, they simultaneously cried, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!"

Joyously indulging in their yogurt, the genin of Team 7 were unprepared for what happened next.

A faint whirring was all the warning Kakashi received before he moved. Grabbing the spinning sword out of the air, he turned, decapitating the man following it. Before the head could hit the ground, he turned the blade. With a firm smack, he hit the hair-covered baseball with the flat of the blade. Kakashi quickly activated his Sharingan and tracked the arc of the flying head.

"I'd say that went at least 500 feet. What do you think, old man?"

Tazuna was too stunned to react to the nickname. He just nodded, having barely heard the question through the shock.

Kakashi threw a fist into the air. "Ha! That means I beat Gai's record of 456 feet during the War. He'll be so mad when I tell him about it."

"K-kakashi, who was that guy?" Naruto asked. Why is Naruto the kid that always speaks, you ask? Read the manga and watch the anime. It might lessen your ignorance.

The silver-haired man looked at the body by his feet. Eying the pool of blood coming from the dead man with disdain, he hopped back. Kakashi checked the bottom of his sandals, and, as he'd feared, they were coated with the red liquid.

"Damn it, this stuff's a pain in the ass to get out of shoes," he griped. "And, to answer your question, I believe this was Momochi Zabuza. Let me check the head, just to be sure."

Forming the infamous seal, he released some chakra, and a replica of Hatake Kakashi stood before them. In a flash, the copy was examining the head of the once missing-nin. After a couple of seconds, the clone poofed away, and the original Kakashi turned back to his entourage.

"Yeah, that was Zabuza all right...Hold on; I sense a disturbance in the force."

For the second to last time in this overly-written arc, Kakashi made his move. As a sheet of ice appeared behind him, he twirled, a Raikiri already forming around his hand. With a quick jab, he pierced the assailant's heart. The mask on the figure's face magically shattered as the dead shinobi fell to the ground. Kakashi glanced at the carcase before washing the blood off his hands with a quick jutsu.

"And that was some girl that no one cares about." He turned back to Tazuna. "Okay, old man, let's go. I'm getting bored of this already."

"Wait," Sakura (A bit of variation? Impossible, no?) interjected, "aren't you going to give these two a decent burial?"

Kakashi gave the girl an incredulous look. "Hell no! I'm not paid to dig ditches. Don't worry, some poor bastard will find these bodies and deal with them." He turned away. "Lead the way, old man!"

"But, why?" Tazuna complained. "I made sure there was a map in the mission folder so you'd know which way to go."

"Yeah, but I'll be damned if I'm going to memorize something so trivial. Now start walking before I get angry. You wouldn't like me angry." Kakashi chuckled darkly.

"How much worse could you get?" Sasuke asked impudently.

Kakashi nearly had a heart attack. "Ye gods! The Emo speaks!" So astounded was he by this development that he didn't even process the negativity of the question.

For about three seconds. Then, the rage was back. However, before Kakashi could murder his student, he was interrupted by the author. Or, rather, one of L. Frank Baum's creations that just so happened to appear in the Naruto universe...Hell, this story's about Kakashi, so it will now be the Kakashi universe. (And we all know how well THAT would have gone over with producers and such...Amazingly, if you weren't sure.)

"HOLY SHIT! It's a flying chimp!" Kakashi shouted, pointing at a primate in the sky.

Naruto coughed. "I don't mean to sound like an expert, but they're actually referred to as 'Winged Monkeys.'"

"Shut up, Demon. No one said you could speak."

"Yeah, shut up, dumbass."

"Emo, no talking. I thought we'd already established this."

"Hey! Don't talk to Sasuke like that!"

"What could you possibly do to stop me? I mean, seriously, I could kill you with half of my pinky. Go take your teammates and jump in a lake. If you didn't get the implied message, go die. I'm sick of messing around with midgets."

Tazuna blinked, disturbed by Kakashi's malevolence. "Hey, kid, that might've been a little harsh. Sure, they're annoying, but you shouldn't tell your students to go kill themselves. The brooding boy over there looks like he'd do it, too."

A second later, he realized what he'd just said. "Oh, dear God, I just called a man in his late twenties a kid. I really am old. Nooooooo!"

"Old man, just lead the way to your damn house. This traveling thing is getting old."

Silently weeping at his revelation, Tazuna slowly shuffled in the direction of his home.

"And hurry up, damn it! I want to wash the blood out of my clothes before it sets. That shit's impossible to deal with at that point."

Sakura looked at her "teacher" incredulously. "Seriously? All you have to do is channel chakra into the clothing, and separate the two materials. It's not that hard."

Kakashi turned to her, eyes wide. "Really? Holy shit, I never knew that. Pinky, you've redeemed yourself. But, I'd stay away from the other two, if I were you. Their taint of failure might rub off on you, if you know what I mean."

He giggled perversely at the blush on his student's face. "Yeah, hold on, let me find the page...Ah! Here it is. Page 96. Look at this picture, Pinky. Emo would probably go with this position."

She stared, wanting desperately to turn away, but paralyzed in morbid fascination.

"And, on page 104, you'll see the position Demon would go with."

Again Sakura stood still. But, this time it was in surprise. That looked like it required more flexibility than Naruto possessed. In fact, there was no way someone could pull that off unless they were...a...demon.

"Wait, is Naruto actually a demon?"

Kakashi stared. "Are you seriously that blind. Of course he is. He's the freaking Kyuubi incarnate."

Gasps followed this announcement. Then, Naruto decided to say his piece. "I'm not the demon, you bastard. I just keep it nice and warm in my belly. Although, it complains about being afraid of the dark, or some such nonsense."

All the random chit chat had finally pushed Kakashi over the edge. Releasing his chakra in an explosion, with a blast radius of 10 miles, he glared at the client.

"Damn it old man, just tell me the coordinates for your house. I'll get us there," he growled as he started kicking his unconscious students into a pile.

"312 North, 167 West," Tazuna barely managed to whisper, being close to passing out as well.

The silver-haired jounin flashed through a couple of seals and the group disappeared.

Pandemonium ensued when the quintet made their impromptu entrance.

Some woman started shrieking obscenities. "What the fuck? How dare you come into my home without a fucking invitation, you stupid, fucking bastard?"

Then she saw the shoes. Or, rather, the stains they were leaving on the carpet as Kakashi backed away.

"Oh, hell no," she muttered, her voice eerily calm after her explosive outburst. "You did NOT just ruin my beautiful carpet with your shitty shoes. I'll have your ass for that."

Without thinking, Kakashi replied, with a waggle of his eyebrows, "Sounds kinky."

And so began the slaughter of the man known as Hatake Kakashi.

Kakashi groaned as light poured onto his face. He turned, hoping to escape it, only to bump into something firm but soft. This piqued his interest enough to bring the man into the world of the living. Squinting to limit the light that passed into his sensitive retina, the jounin spotted a head with long, dark hair. Inching his face closer, he confirmed his earlier suspicion.

Definitely a woman.

"Score!" Chuckling at his merrymaking ways, he slipped out of bed and pulled on his clothes which had been thrown haphazardly around the room. Then he realized they were still blood-stained. Kakashi decided it was time to test Sakura's method for cleaning such a mess.

Within seconds, the clothes was as good as new. Remarkably, a genin had been right.

Shrugging, the silver-haired man shuffled over to the door, presumably to the hallway. What he hadn't expected was to get slugged as soon as the doorway was clear. Right in the headband, too. The metal pushed into his constantly open Sharingan eye, probably causing damage, but clearly causing pain.

Kakashi shrieked in pain. After all, it wasn't often that he was hit by an enemy's attack. Seriously, the man supposedly knew over a thousand jutsu. Surely he had a way to take down just about any opponent.

"You stupid son of a bitch! How dare you sleep with my daughter?"

Tazuna was furious. This ninja, whom he'd hired, had threatened and insulted him. He'd scared him shitless countless times. He'd been forced to accept his age. But, sleeping with his precious little darling? That was unacceptable.

"Gah! Damn it, you stupid old man. Do you have any idea how much that hurts?"

The only reply was a fist in the stomach.

"What the hell? How long are you gonna keep this up?"

A kick in the groin. Kakashi fell to his knees.

"S-son of a-"

An axe-kick to the back of the head.

"Why do I always get the crazy clients?"

A chop to the throat finished the poor man off. His vision faded to black as sweet, sweet unconsciousness took him.

"Ha! That bastard got his ass handed to him by a geezer. Serves him right."

Kakashi groaned as he opened his visible eye. "Demon, if I wasn't in so much pain, you'd be through the nearest wall and at least half a mile away, still airborne."

"Oh no he wouldn't," came the indignant reply from the woman he'd done the nasty with. "If you do anything like that, your ass will be the one fifty feet in the air."

The jounin shook his head in disbelief.

"And why are you, a woman, telling me what I can or can't do? Hell, what are you doing out of the kitchen?"

That comment earned him a slap. A really loud one, the kind you hear in a school cafeteria that makes all the immature little brats go "Ooooh..."

"Yeah, I guess I deserved that. By the way, I don't believe we've been introduced. Formally, anyway," he added with a smirk.

The dark-haired woman gave a start. "Oh, how rude of me. I'm Tsunami, Tazuna's daughter. And you are?"

"Kakashi. Hatake Kakashi."

"It's a pleasure."

"Likewise." The silver-haired man glanced around. "And who's the kid that looks like he could give Emo a run for his money?"

Tsunami sighed. "That's Inari, the result of a broken condom."

The look on Inari's face was priceless. He'd always assumed that his cheerful, kindly mother loved him unconditionally. Apparently, that wasn't the case. At least his father, whoever he was, loved him. The shocked child returned to the conversation, only to have his world rocked once again.

"...Yeah, his father was one of those guys looking for a one-night stand. We were both drunk off our asses by the time we got into bed. And, the next day, he was gone. He left some money and a little note that said, 'If you get pregnant, go with an abortion. I hate children.'"

Inari tried to remain calm. He still had Kaiza, the man he'd looked up to unlike any other.

"...And then there was Kaiza. The man was so talented under the sheets, but he secretly detested Inari..."

A gunshot attracted the attention of the two gossipers. Before them was a smoking gun, a boy with a gaping hole in his head, and a ton of blood and gore all over the carpet. Tsunami screamed.

"Damn brat. Even in death, he causes trouble. It will take forever to get the stains out."

Kakashi quietly offered his condolences, giving the woman a gentle squeeze on the shoulder. Here was further proof that children were evil.

"So, Teach, what're we learning today?" came Naruto's nasally question.

"How to shut the hell up and be a good little boy," Kakashi deadpanned.

The quartet, also known as Team 7, quickly traversed to the bridge they were supposed to defend. The jounin tuned out his chatty minions, and looked across the expanse of the nearly complete project. There was something off, but he couldn't quite place it.

"Oh my God!" Sakura cried. "Everyone's dead."

Ah, that was it.

Kakashi's eyes narrowed a second later. "Yeah, everyone except two ninja I could have sworn were rotting on the path to Wave."

Indeed, the sword-wielding Zabuza, and his little slave were right before them.

"Seriously," Sasuke asked, earning him a heated glare from his teacher, "why are you two alive?"

Zabuza shrugged. "Most likely due to a lack of creativity and a gross disregard for massive plot holes."

"Works for me," Kakashi stated before taking several paces backward.

Naruto blinked. "What are you-"

A sound, even louder than a gunshot, made the three genin jump. The two missing-nin probably would have jumped as well, but they were too preoccupied with the gigantic holes in their torsos. Yes, it is most difficult, indeed, to jump when one is dead.

"Hey, where the hell did you get a freaking cannon?" It doesn't matter who said it. Really, who cares about those kids? Heck, most fanfiction authors don't even write about the twelve-year-old versions. Or, if they do, it's usually poorly written. (No offense to any fellow authors out there.)

"That's beside the point. What's important is that we're done with our job. Let's go."

They walked away, before stopping at the sound of a dark chuckle. Turning, the group spotted a tiny, disproportioned man in a suit.

"Why, oh why don't these people just give up already?" Kakashi griped. With a lazy, one-handed seal, he blasted the man into oblivion. The jutsu had an excellent name, but, at the moment, the jounin couldn't care less.

"Okay. Now we can leave."

And leave they did.

Sarutobi was surprised, to say the least.

"Back already? I didn't expect to see you again for nearly a month."

"Yes, we're back, and we had to deal with an A-rank missing-nin, so I expect compensation."

A scraggly eyebrow rose. "Oh? Who?"

"Momochi Zabuza."

"Ah. He was recently lowered to C-rank, I'm afraid."

"What? Bullshit. That's not what the Bingo Book says."

The Hokage sighed. "Kakashi, you haven't been by to pick up one of those in five years. Of course you don't have the most recent information."

"...Damn. Fine, just pay me, and I'll go."

"You do realize you're supposed to file a mission report, right?"

Thinking for only a moment, Kakashi pointed. "Demon, you do it."

"Kakashi! You know the law."

"Yeah, but these kids already know why I call him Demon."

That gave the old man pause. "W-well, that still doesn't explain why you're shoving you duty as team leader onto a subordinate. Oh...wait...you're Kakashi. Never mind. Here." He handed the lazy jounin his pay.

"See ya!" Kakashi was gone in the blink of an eye. Sarutobi looked around, noticing the genin for, probably, the first time.

"What are you brats doing here? Shoo!"

Sasuke gave the man a look. "Aren't we supposed to be paid?"

"I am Hokage. You are my bitches. Leave."

"And I'm a freaking Uchiha. Pay me, damn it."

"No. I. Am. Hokage. Leave before I send Gai after you."

The genin were gone in seconds.

"That's what I thought...bitch."

AN: Ya know what? I'm not really in the mood to write a note. Review.