The Rescue of the Chocobo Princess from 2 Zombies, 3 Tentacle Monsters, and 1 Vampire

Disclaimer: This is a purely fan-made piece that is using the world and characters from Squaresoft's (Square Enix) Final Fantasy VII and is made entirely for enjoyment. No financial gain has been made in the making of this piece

Summery: Reno's night just got a little weirder.

Author's Note: Written for H4t3dept. Filled with crack. Pure, unadulterated crack. Possible out-of-characterness

Constructive Criticism is always welcomed

Published: 31 October 2009

Rating: T

He wasn't quite sure what happened, but suddenly, Elena had a mass of tentacles instead of limbs, Rude looked like he had just clawed his way out of a grave and was on the lookout for brains, and Tseng had fangs. Sharp, evil, made-for-blood-drinking fangs.

This didn't bode well for Reno. Causally, he eased his electro-mag rod out of his holster and wondered where he could get his hands on some garlic.

He always knew that Tseng would sleep in a coffin.

Making a few choice decisions on the spur of the moment as to who posed as the most danger, he snapped his electro-mag rod across the Elena-Monster's face, rationalising that the blood would distract the Rude-Zombie and the Tseng-Vampire while he escaped.

He only got a few tables away when he saw the most stunning thing he had ever seen in his life.

But the stunning being—who had hair like a prized gold chocobo—was being attacked by a tentacle monster that had huge breasts.

Reno was always one who wanted to rescue a princess—because someone that lovely could only be a princess—so he leapt into action. A few quick surprise jabs to the busty tentacle monster's back later, he had created an opening for him and the Chocobo Princess to escape. Grabbing the strong wrist, he dragged them both out of the bar to a safer (and more private) spot.

The princess looked slightly befuddled. "Reno, what. The hell."

Oh good, they didn't have to waste time on introductions. That made things so much easier.

"Don't worry, Your Highness," Reno said grandly. "Those monsters won't be coming after you for a while. I had ol' Johnson"—he pattered his electro-mag rod—"set on full."

The princess blinked slowly. "…O-kay?"

"Just doing my job." He thought that he hit just the right amount of humility and professionalism there.

Now the Princess should give him a 'thank you' kiss (with some tongue, of course) and maybe even a 'thank you' grope…

"Reno, what are you talking about?"

…Or not. "The tentacle monster that was attacking you, of course."

Another long stare. "Tentacle monster."

He peered closely at the princess. That had sounded flat and slightly confused. Perhaps Tseng had worked his evil mind powers…? It wasn't unheard of…better check the Chocobo Princess's neck, just to be safe.

"What are you doing?"

"Making sure that Tseng hasn't worked his evil mind powers on you, of course." The neck—inviting as it was—was clear. "He didn't bite you on the thigh or something, did he?" It would be best to cover all the bases.

"Bite me…What were you drinking in there?"

"While I would love to go out for drinks with you, we have more important things to worry about!" He grabbed the princess and swung them around a corner, pressing them both up against the wall.

It seemed that the busty tentacle monster and the Elena-Monster had been joined by a Scarlet-tentacle monster—where were all these monsters coming from? Reno supposed that it didn't really matter at this point, as they all seemed to be looking for something. Probably the Chocobo Princess and—consequently—him.

Well, it looked like the night's adventure was just getting started.

First thing's first. He had to get the Chocobo Princess to a safe spot. It wouldn't do him any good if the monsters caught up to them (and he would then have no chance at seeing any action).

And now he had the zombies to worry about on top of it all—where had the Reeve zombie come from? Probably was attracted to the smell of all of Reno's fine and incredible brains.

There would be no brain-eating tonight, not if Reno had his way. This was going to be an event of epic proportion.

He grabbed the Chocobo Princess again and raced down the milieu. He made sure that his weapon was easy to pull out of his holster as he dragged the other down the street after him.

He spotted the Tseng-Vampire and quickly shifted directions, which turned out to not be much better, as he could see the trio of tentacle monsters at the other end of the street.

Time to think fast!

It was, after all, what he was best at.

A quick survey of the street and he saw what he needed to keep the Princess safe. It wouldn't be pleasant, but pleasant things could wait until there weren't monsters tracking them.

"Sorry, Your Highness, but it's for your own safety. You can thank me properly later!" And with that, Reno shoved the Chocobo Princess down a sewage pipe, slamming it shut.

Now he could face the monsters without worrying that the Princess would get hurt. It'd be easier to focus on the NOW important things and not the LATER important things.

Racing down the street, he pulled out his electro-mag rod and got ready to fight.

He decided to take out the zombies first—they were probably would be the easiest and zombies had annoy habit of popping up at the most inconvenient time when not dealt with immediately. Plus, they might bite a tentacle monster, and the idea of facing down a zombie tentacle monster was not an appealing one.

A few cure spells should do the trick.

Unfortunately, it didn't go that smoothly.

Apparently, the zombies were in league with the tentacle monsters. He had barely engaged the zombies when the three monsters joined in, waving their appendages around.

The busty one had quite a punch.

And when had the Tseng-Vampire found them? Six against one was totally not fair odds.

His 'thank you' kiss had better been upgraded to a 'thank you'—

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

Tseng seemed to have returned to normal and he didn't look impressed. "The hospital bills of yourself, Scarlet, Rude, Reeve, Elena, Miss Lockheart, and myself will be coming out of your next paycheque," he said coolly. "As will the costs of damages to the Seventh Heaven Bar and the Water Systems. You are also forbidden to drink for the next six weeks and will be filling out everyone else's paper work for the next month, as you won't be on active duty."

Reno blinked, realised what was happening, and tried to sit up. "Wait a second—"

Tseng hit the button that controlled the pain medications and Reno felt his whole body relax under the influence. "You're lucky that's all the punishment that you are going to get. But the alcohol restriction and desk duty is not my call; the doctor wants to make sure that they get all the malboro toxins out of your system so there would not be a…repeat performance."

"What? Malboro toxins? I haven't been around those creepy things in months!"

"Do you remember the beer they had to recall due to the attacks on the brewery by malboros in the north that tainted the water?" Tseng waited until he got a confirmation nod. "Apparently, one or two bottles got missed in the recall and you had one last night, hence all the…destruction. Apparently, the…hallucinations were quite…strong."

Damn. So the Princess wasn't real. That kinda sucked.

"Until the full effects have been understood, the doctor would like to keep your workload light and to have as few things interfering with your life as possible."

Reno sighed. "Okay." He hated desk duty.

"Oh," Tseng looked over his shoulder just before he left. "You'll also be getting a raise. It seems that the Rufus was rather…impressed with your fighting abilities, even under the influence and he felt such…talent should be rewarded. I will get you the proper paperwork later."

Reno blinked. Well, at least something good was coming out of this all. Not that he'd really be seeing the results of the raise for a while.

He stared at the ceiling. He was bored.

And there were no hot nurses.

The sound of someone entering his room distracted him from counting the tiles above him for a third time. He glanced over and felt his eyes widen.

Cloud Strife stood in the doorway, looking cross and slightly uncomfortable. He nodded a greeting and then awkwardly sat down in the chair next to the bed.

Reno felt like rubbing his hands together in glee. He knew that he hadn't made up the Chocobo Princess, he knew it!

He wondered if now would be a bad time to ask for his dues for saving him from all the monsters.

"What the hell were you thinking last night?" Cloud burst out, forgoing most of the inane chitchat.

Reno shrugged. "I thought you were being attacked. So I saved you."

Cloud frowned. "Attacked by what?"

"You probably don't really want the answer for that."

"Did it have to involve you pushing me down a sewer pipe?"

"How else was I supposed to protect you?"

Cloud rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Do you know how long it took me to get rid of the stench?" He asked rhetorically. "What were you hoping to accomplish?"

"Well, I couldn't watch you and fight at the same time, and as much as I would have loved to show off my battle prowness, it was easier to stick you somewhere that seemed safer." Reno shrugged again. "Frankly, I was hoping for a kiss after all was said and done."

"That's it? A kiss?"

"Yeah. Maybe more, if you were feeling up to it."

"Reno."

"Well, you asked."

"That is the worst proposition I've heard, and I've heard some real winners from a drunk Sephiroth." Cloud scowled. "Don't you think it would have been more effective to talk to me or get me drunk or something?"

"Where's the action and adventure in that? But hey, if you're up to it…nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"

"…I think it liked better when you were calling me 'your highness'. Anyhow, you're supposed to be healing."

"Won't be in here forever."

"You can talk to me about that after you're out of here."

"Well, if you insist…" Reno smirked.

Apparently, he was going to get more than a kiss out of the Princess, after all.

He should get attacked by weird monsters more often.

x Fin x