Remember Me
Chapter Five: In Peace, At Last
Edward's POV
Fifteen years. It had been almost fifteen years since Bella had died, and hell, those years had been hard. I took Bella's advice and tried to start living again, making sure our kids were always happy, and going out of my way to make sure they laughed and smiled. For me though, my smiles were half-hearted.
How could I smile when my wife should have been standing next to me smiling too? How could I move on and pretend that she wasn't missing? There was just no way for me to continue on as if she hadn't been the biggest part of my life. Bella was everything, and with her absence, I was nothing.
Granted, in those fifteen years, I did have good memories, but they were always lacking something, and that something was Bella. She should have been there the day we found out Rose was pregnant. She should have there when Emmett found out it was a little girl, and immediately he went out and bought the best dolls house money could buy. She should have been there when Lily had her first day at school. She should have been there when Charles, Masen and Annabelle started High School. She should have been there to see them graduate. She just should have been there.
Once again we were going to be celebrating a milestone and she wasn't around to see it. Oh, I did believe she watched us from heaven, keeping us safe, but that still didn't make it better. What I wanted was for her to be standing next to me, holding my hand as we watched our eldest son graduate from university.
When we first got married and discussed kids, these were the things we wanted to experience. We wanted to teach them how to talk, walk, ride a bike, swim, play sports, and see them on their first day of school and their last. We wanted to give them the best life possible. But what is life without Bella in it?
Her journal had been my saving grace through many turbulent experiences, and it became my bible. I treasured it, kept it save, read it every night in case it one day vanished like Bella had. She had prepared for everything. In the journal was her take on the big things our kids would go through: puberty, dating, sex, drugs, driving, moving out, university, marriage and pregnancy. Thankfully, the latter two entries were not needed yet.
Rather than stutter and stumble my way through the puberty and sex talks, Bella specifically wrote for me to hand them the journal so they could read. She let me dodge those bullets even from beyond the grave.
With each entry I grew to love my wife even more, which I did not think possible. And when my family had politely brought up the conversation of me taking my wedding ring off I had one thing to say: "Bella is still my wife, whether she be in heaven or on Earth; the ring stays."
My wife had taken a trip and I was going to meet her there. I didn't know when I would next see her but I would and we would be together forever then. God would not create a place like heaven if it were not to allow loved ones to be together after death. She was waiting on me, and one day I would come to her.
In the meantime, I kept up with the pleasantries. Charles, Masen and Annabelle knew I wasn't the same after their mother's death but they didn't comment too much on it. I was still their loving father, just lonely.
Over the years I had been asked out on dates, and hell, even set up on a few surprise blind dates by my well-meaning friends and family, but the women weren't Bella, and if I couldn't have Bella then I wanted no one. She was my lover, my wife, mother to my children, and my soul mate. Why would I ignore all that for simple sexual gratification?
Yes, I was a lonely old man just going through the motions. And that day I was attending Charles' graduation. The whole thing actually wasn't that bad, and I was very proud to see my boy up on stage getting his diploma. Bella would have loved it, and that was the problem. That's what made a great day become one that wasn't that bad.
Returning home that night, after the celebrations, I headed straight to my bedroom and changed. Throwing my clothes on the chair, my mind going a million miles a minute, I had to stop and take a break. I needed to get closer to Bella once again. Finding the journal in my bedside table I sat on the bed and tried to smell the pages, hoping some of her scent would still be there. It was as though she sprayed the pages, making them smell of her.
Letting myself relax at having her smell surround me I pulled back and flicked to the correct page. I had been following Bella's entries religiously and only rarely did I have to skip ahead some to get to a relevant topic. But every entry so far had been read. As if I would miss one out.
The entry title was "My Darling Edward" and had I seen this sooner I would have thought it a letter to me, but no, upon reading the words I knew it was not a letter but most definitely an entry to help improve my life.
My darling Edward,
This will be the last entry I write to you, and this will be my most important. By now many years will have passed since my death, and I know for sure that you will still be wearing your wedding ring. I know you, Edward, and I know that you do not see death as a reason to stop loving someone and move on. I know you believe that we will be together again, and by God I hope we are, but until that day, you need to live.
In past entries I have spoken about you letting the memories go, returning to your daily routines, and to move on with your life. But I know, deep down in my heart I know, you will not have moved on at all. So I'm telling you this: let me go, let me rest and let me be free.
You are a glorious man, with so much love to give. Do not become a sad and lonely old man, with nothing but memories of love lost. For me, Edward, let me go. If you fall for another, then so be it. I will not love you less for doing so, darling. I love you with all my heart, and saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing I'm ever going to have to do, but this needs to happen.
Let me go.
I told you the day we found out about the cancer that together we soar, but alone we can still fly. You need to fly now, Edward. Cut the ties with me, sell my belongings or give them away to charity, remove pictures of me, and start afresh.
I did not get to live my life to its fullest potential, but you most certainly will.
I cannot help but admit to you now that I cry for us. I cry for the life we will never get to finish, I cry for all the moments I will miss, and I cry because I know when you read this I am really and truly dead. I never stopped fighting the cancer, darling, but I knew one of us had to be realistic. Whatever made you think that I would stop fighting for us? If I could be there with you today, I would be, holding your hand and never letting go.
But now is the time. Every entry has ended with the same line: "And remember, I always love you." Well this one shall end differently, but it does not mean I love you any less. For I do love you, and shall always love you, but it is time to say goodbye.
Forget me. Those are my last wishes. Forget me, Edward. It's time to fly.
Bella
Reading her last entry killed me. I fell to my knees and reached out, trying to grab for something. That could not have been the last entry. No. I wouldn't accept that. Absolutely not. Flipping the pages I saw that the entries after that were addressed to Alice, Rose, Jasper, all our friends, our kids, and even one to our grandchildren, if they were ever to make an appearance.
She was gone. I had held onto her memory, her life, in that journal for fifteen years and she was gone, for good. It felt like I had died, all the pain and grief I had kept hidden and locked up over the years burst out and hit me, wave after wave. I was drowning, but this time she was not there to save me.
She knew, oh she knew, that I would never deny her last wishes. Those were the things she stressed upon. Those were the things she needed. If I was to deny her that, what type of man would that make me? What type of husband would that make me?
Sighing sadly to myself, I curled up into a ball on the bed and wept. There was nothing manly about what I was doing, I was weeping like a baby, pure and simple. I was admitting defeat. There was nothing I wouldn't do for Bella, and if she wanted me to let her go, I would do so.
Letting Bella go was hard. I tried for over a year to part with my wedding ring, but once I took it off guilt would seep in and I'd end up putting it back on. How could I live my life when hers was stolen so cruelly?
It took some very difficult conversations with my family before I could finally part with it, and even then I kept it in my bedside drawer and would look at it every night. The ring was a symbol of our love and taking it off felt like I was saying I no longer loved Bella, which was far from the truth.
Alice pointed out though that Bella had wanted me to take it off, to let her go, therefore I could only be making her happy by doing so. From that the guilt became less and less every day until I no longer had a problem. It wasn't as though I never looked at the ring again, but I could survive without wearing it and not worry about letting my wife down.
That step led onto others. We did send most of Bella's things to the charity stores, only keeping the very special items, and we did gradually remove pictures of her from view, but there were still some out. She eventually became a memory, leaving our life gradually, but never leaving our hearts.
And finally, it came to a point where I moved on. It was an unsuspecting day, just like many others before it, where I was on my way to the coffee shop near my office. There was nothing different, nothing new, and yet that day changed me.
I walked up the street, weaving through people and trying not to walk into anyone. With the coffee shop doors in sight I reached for the handle, opening it. A young woman stood back, waiting for me to enter, but I was always raised to hold the door for a lady.
"After you," I said, smiling at her.
She thanked me and entered. Following in after her I looked around at the tables, to see how busy it was. Thankfully there were still quite a few open so I was able to sit in and enjoy my coffee rather than rush it back to my office.
Walking up the queue, I gave my order and went to wait for it. Standing side by side next to the woman I opened to door to I caught a whiff of her perfume. It was soft and light, not too harsh, and it smelt rather good. Tapping my hand on the counter, I took a deep breath, reigning in my thoughts. Even if I wanted to talk to the woman I had no way of doing so.
"Divorced?" I turned and saw her looking at me, then nod down to my hand.
The light band of skin on my ring finger was a clear sign that there was a ring missing. Swallowing slowly, I shook my head and gave an awkward smile.
"Widowed," I replied. She opened her mouth and then jammed her eyes shut tight.
"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."
"It's okay." I shook my head and shrugged. "How were you to know?" She bit her lip and gave me a worried look.
"Regardless, I shouldn't have asked. I'm very sorry. I know how awful it is. Please forgive me for prying."
"You know?" I asked, wondering if she had gone through a similar experience or if she was just saying she understood when she didn't, like many others did.
"I lost my husband six years ago," she replied, giving me a sad smile.
They called my order and I grabbed my coffee, pausing with it in hand and looking at the woman again. I didn't know her, but talking to her couldn't hurt, right? She had gone through the same things I had if she had lost her husband. She would know what that feeling felt like.
"Eh, I don't know if this is something you'd be interested in, but do you want to perhaps have coffee with me? I know that you have coffee there already, but I mean, would you like to perhaps sit with me? Of course, you don't have to, and if you're busy, I understand. I just thought I'd ask," I rushed out, stumbling over my words and becoming a nervous school boy.
Rather than laugh at my pathetic attempt to talk to her she smiled warmly and nodded.
"I'd like that. I'm Kate."
Sighing in relief I shot her a pleased smile and nodded. "Pleasure to meet you. I'm Edward, Edward Cullen."
With her order in hand we walked through the tables and found a seat.
I would never love another like I did Bella, but at that moment, I no longer felt alone. I had just met a woman who understood the pain and agony being a widow came with. And if that conversation in the coffee shop was all we had, then so be it. At least I knew that there was life past Bella, I could live again, just liked she wanted.
She was an angel among mortals and now she was back home, in heaven, resting in peace, at last. Forever loved, forever remembered, and forever in peace, my darling girl.
A.N.
Well, that's the end. I thought there would be more to this but didn't want to drag it on. I'm leaving it as an open ending so you can decide for yourself if he moves on to another woman or if his heart stays true to Bella. Thank you for reading and I really appreciate every alert/favourite/review. It means so much. Cheers, and hopefully I'll see you again.