A/N: *Waves* Hi! This is my first fanfic (or at least, the first one I'm daring to publish). Apparently I'm incapable of writing a serious story. But that's not important right now. What is important is that last night wild plot bunnies on crack jumped into my brain and took control! Thus, I proudly present you with my first FINISHED fanfic (I won't be posting anything that is unfinished – I don't like to be rushed. When readers rush me I get stressed and the story suffers – and we wouldn't want that now would we?)
Beta: Crazily Sane Pancake – my awesome niece who provided the inspiration for this story.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my gay plot bunnies on crack.
Warnings: Harry Potter does NOT make an appearance. If you can't handle that – then go read something else, like idk the actual frigging books!
This is rated M: because only mature people can read this and GET IT. And because I say "penis" not "manly parts." What do you think I am a pussy?
EVERYONE IN THIS STORY IS GAY (and SUPER DUPER OOC)! Except for the dead guy…I never did state his sexuality, but, for the record, if he had lived, he would've been gay too. There is no sex here, but there is a lot of same-sex kissing going on.
This is a CRACK FIC! Or, if you prefer, a parody - not to be taken seriously. If you find yourself incapable of taking a joke then STOP READING NOW! Go no further!
Just remember, I warned you.
PENISPENISPENISPENISPENIS (just to prove to my niece that the word penis DOES appear in fanfiction)
Hermione, controller of fire, drove super-speedy like across Washington, the state, not the city with the stupid white house. She was zippidee-doo-daaing across the highway at 210 mph when she heard (with her SUPER EARS!) a girl's terrified screams.
Quickly, she jumped out of the car without stopping it first; allowing it to careen into the median where it hit a big rock, flipped over, and blew up. But Hermione didn't notice that. She was too busy trying to locate the source of the screams that had started to grate on her super sensitive earsicals! She walked quickly through the forest. Despite a distinct lack of super speed she arrived very quickly.
The Source (as she had taken to calling the screamer) was laying in the center of a small clearing. Hermione noticed with surprise that the girl was rather beautiful and had a nice-sized rack. She tore her attention away from those perfect fun bags and focused on the very sparkly (-has GOT to be gay- she thought wryly) man standing above the girl, seemingly trying to rip the poor (but well endowed –Mind out of the gutter!-) girl's leg from its socket.
-I must save those gorgeous jugs!- Hermione thought cheerfully, putting a little extra spring in her step. She pulled her dragon decorated lighter from her bra and flicked it on (she is a controller not a generator – learn the difference assholes!). With a swooping wave of her hand and a loud accompanying whooshing noise; she directed the fire to swarm around the vampire. Which it did! Dun dun dun! And burnt him into little crispies!
Quickly (she does that adverb a lot) she rushed (lol she rushed quickly – would've been more entertaining to see her rush slowly nei?)
REWRITE!!!!
Slowly she rushed (hehehe), .... (actually I don't really like that either, let me try once more).
REWRITE!!!!
She rushed at regular speed (O_o) over to the girl's side, checking on her injuries. Assuring herself the girl was fine (a little bruised but otherwise perfectly stellar) she let out a relieved huff (because huffing is more entertaining than sighing).
"You okay girly?" she asked softly. "What's a pretty little thing like you doing in a semi-creepy place like this with a totally-creepy guy like that without some emotionally unstable two-dimensional vampire around to protect you?"
"I-I'm fine." The girl stammered, still a little shaken from her recent victimization. "I was just out for a little stroll when he grabbed me. And HE is at home being unstable, and you're so right – he IS two-dimensional. How did you know he was a vamp though?"
"I totally know what you're going through with the two-dimensional thing. I once dated a red head with the same problem. As for how I know, only a vamp would suck away your happiness like he seems to be doing." Hermione replied totally misunderstanding what the girl meant by vamp. "My name's Hermione. What's yours beautiful sweet girl?"
The girl blushed. "Bella Swan."
Hermione sighed happily. "Bella, how appropriate, a rose-colored name for a flowery lady."
Suddenly (for they were hardly expecting it) a deep, obnoxious voice screamed, "Bell-aaaaaaaa!"
"What?"
"There is you!"
Loud crashing could be heard and Hermione saw several trees falling over in the distance. A big Other sparkly man appeared in the clearing. Other as in not the one that is currently a big pile of ash at Hermione's feet.
"Seriously" Hermione mumbled to herself, "I've heard of flaming gay, but to be literally sparklingly gay? What the frick!?!"
Sparkles glared at her and suddenly appeared (he DOES have super speed) beside Bella. "Are you alright? I've been looking all over for you!"
"I'm fine, but Hermione here," she pointed at said beautiful woman, "has made me realize that emotionally I'm much more mature than you. Plus you have horrible timing. You only come to save me after they've already kicked the crap out of me! So I'm dumping your annoyingly ageless ass!"
"Awesome!" Hermione exclaimed. "Want to join me? I'm off to Canada! Please come with me and be my totally hot lesbian love."
"I'll go." Bella said with a smile.
Hermione carefully helped Bella to her feet. They walked around Sparkles (who was still staring at where Bella had just been sitting in disbelief) holding hands above his head. He jumped up and screamed that no matter where they went he would hunt them down and he swore to kill them.
Thinking quickly (there's that word again…) Hermione screamed up at the sky, "Where is Draco? I need his gay-NEZ!"
A male voice with a decidedly gay accent answered her call. "He will cum!"
With that an effeminate yet somewhat muscular (because he is gay, not a pansy) man with whitish blonde hair appeared in front of Sparkles. Wasting no time, he wrapped his arms around Sparkles' neck and kissed the venom right out of him! Draco turned to Hermione with a smile (Sparkles still standing in a daze behind him). "Don't worry. This one won't be bothering ANYONE for quite some time." And just like that they both disappeared into the wild blue yonder.
As they (Bella and Hermione) walked away from the scene, a large wolf jumped into their path and turned into a totally hot, totally NAKED young man. "Bella, where are you going with this bitch?"
But Hermione was prepared! She screamed, "O dear Moony! I have a hot young werewolf here who needs you to cum!"
With a small pop a much older (but still okay looking) man appeared. He and the boy growled at each other and then started kissing passionately. They turned into wolves and bounded away into the forest (presumably to hump like bunny rabbits).
A light bulb appeared over Bella's head. She turned to Hermione, "Wizards?"
Hermione nodded.
"Riiiight."
Bella gasped softly as Hermione pulled her gently into her arms, "Now that all the fucking competition is gone, we can finally be happy together." She kissed Bella, ever so gently on the lips.
"Woah." Bella moaned, "I should've switched sides a long time ago!"
"I know right? Boobs rock!" Hermione exclaimed.
"I love you." Bella whispered.
"Er, yeah, you too."
And they turned and walked into the purple sunset of cheese to be happy forever, or not, whichever they decide.
A/N: Alright now press the pretty green review button and let me know how much you think my story sucks. I forgot to mention this in my first note, SO – I love you all dear readers! *Skips home to munchkin land*