Title: That Inch Makes All the Difference

Rating: T for extreme swearing. Tsk tsk, they have such potty mouths. XD

Pairing: Sanji/Zoro if you squint like mad but really it's just plain ol' nakamaship. Ahh, nothing wrong with that.

Timeframe: Whenever you like, I suppose; after the procuring of the Thousand Sunny though.

Warnings: None really, just a bit of crack and the inevitable OCC that follows.

Disclaimer: It would sorta defeat the purpose of fanfiction if One Piece were mine, dontcha think?

-----X3-----

Perhaps it was not totally obvious to all that met him, but Zoro, besides failing and not fulfilling his promise to Kuina, had one other fairly severe phobia.

Stairs.

Perhaps not when it came to himself; hell, the swordsman could fling himself up and down the things all day without breaking a sweat. It was when other people encountered stairs that made him break out in cold sweat.

You can't really blame him. He lost the closest thing he had to a big sister, thanks to a set of stairs. They hadn't even been slippery, and her hands hadn't been occupied with countless, plate-laden trays...

...unlike the shitty cook's were.

Which was why, when Sanji uncharacteristically lost his footing as he ascended the rain-slicked stairs of the Thousand Sunny, Zoro launched himself halfway across the ship so fast he appeared to be nothing but a vaguely swordsman-shaped blur.

Oh sure, the stupid curlicue irritated the hell out of him, and they fought tooth and nail, day in a day out, but that didn't mean Zoro wanted him dead.

Though Zoro was successful in catching Sanji, some freak love-child of physics and bad luck had them ending up with the cook on his back, sprawled across the deck at the bottom of the stairs with the swordsman on top of him. Not exactly comfortable, but at least the damn cook hadn't broken anything: namely his neck.

Zoro let out a small exhalation of relief as the dishes, having been thrown up in the air when Sanji slipped, fell back to earth and met their messy, untimely demise with a resounding crash a few feet left of the two young men.

"Shit! You couldn't have caught my damn dishes too, marimo?!"

"Asshole! I just saved your fucking neck! A little thanks would be nice, you ungrateful bastard!"

A resigned grunt.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever muscle-head. Thanks...I suppose."

Zoro smirked.

"A little humbleness suits you..." then he trailed off inexplicably, leaving Sanji in awkward silence.

The trouble is with silence; your mind desperately looks for something to be preoccupied with and often takes in things you had previously not paid attention to. Say like, the fact that you're being pinned to the deck of a ship by your very-much male nakama.

The cook's eyes widened, his cheeks flushing the merest shade of pink.

"Oi..."

Though the reason behind their aforementioned positioning was completely and entirely innocent, the position itself was anything but; were anyone to happen upon the two of them at that moment, it would be safe to say that many scandalous assumptions would be made.

And if that racket with the dishes doesn't get someone turning up soon...nothing will. SHIT! What will my precious Nami-Swan and Robin-Chwan think if they find me straddled by this brute?!

This train of thought had obviously not occurred to the shitty-swordsman because despite Sanji's pushing and shoving, the moron was not moving!

"Oi, oi, shitty swordsman, get off me already!"

He got the scare of his life when he glanced up and saw Zoro gazing down at him.

Oh....shiiiiiit! Don't kiss me, ohmigod, I know I was a bad, naughty, promiscuous child when I was younger but I was experimenting...honest...don't kiss me you asshole...don't kiss me...don't kiss...

And then his heart seemed to stop when he realised he was meeting the swordsman's creepy stare with not one, but both of his eyes...and now that he thought about it, Zoro's gaze seemed slightly off center...veering more to the left...no, not the swordsman's left...his left...

Ohhhhh, double shiiiiiiiit! Fuuuuck! Son of a bitch! Daaaaaaamn iiiiit! Where's fucking Luffy or Usopp and their big shitty entrances when you need them! Shiiit!

The cook resumed his half-crazed struggles, not caring if his flailing kicks caught the swordsman in the balls or not. Usually, he'd ensure that he didn't land such a cruel low blow (yes, even for Zoro, because there are some places you just don't go; no matter how much you dislike your opponent) but this was a goddamn fucking emergency damn it!

He had just succeeded in wiggling partway free when Zoro, being greatly superior in terms of upper-body strength, dragged him back and sat his full weight on the slender, black-clad thighs, while pinning both of the chef's hands to the deck with one of his own. The other hand, and namely the pointer finger belonging to it, traced the left side of Sanji's brow, its owner seemingly fascinated.

...Oh...triple shit. I'm gonna get fucking molested! Nami-swan...Robin-chwan...I will think of you...NO! Can't do that, mustn't get hard...mustn't get haaaar...

"You are such a fucking girl, aho-cook..."

Sanji opened his eyes, not quite sure when he'd closed them.

"Hah...?"

"You heard me. You're such a damn girl. What kind of a man is ashamed of a little facial flaw like that?"

Zoro jabbed Sanji's forehead in accusation. The cook glared, projecting as much demonic aura as he could from his slim frame.

"Oh yeah, fucker? I don't see you spouting anything monstrously out of the ordinary—even if you are as ugly as sin—so who the shitting hell are you to talk?!"

"I might not have anything wrong with my face but...!"

Here the swordsman trailed off again, his cheeks flushing as he did so. Sanji flared his nostrils, dying for a cigarette and all too aware that a sweet, sweet stick of nicotine puffed in the safety of his galley wasn't an option right now. The swordsman had captivated his attention too damn thoroughly.

"But what...?"

Zoro was silent. Sanji fumed.

"Bastard, either you fucking tell me or I will be bestowed with the damn, god-given right to call you a pussy..."

"Tch, like hell ero-cook."

It did the trick though, because as soon as the swordsman was done with his initial insult, he leaned in and whispered in the cook's ear before quickly pulling back, looking embarrassed.

Sanji stared up at him in blank shock.

"You idiot! One is supposed to be slightly higher than the other!"

Zoro blinked.

"...really?"

"Yes, dipwad! Otherwise, men the world-fucking-over would be going around scratching all day! Do you have any idea how much chafing would be going on if they both hung down exactly the same length?!"

"Well, men should man up and get some calluses down there or something..."

"I did not hear that, I cannot hear you, this conversation is not happening, lalalalala, can't hear you!" Sanji sang while repeatedly banging his head back onto the hard, faintly damp wooden boards.

The swordsman watched him for a moment, looking thoughtful (not to mention sadistically amused, the bastard). Then he cupped the back of Sanji's head, thus preventing him from dashing his brains out all over the deck and averting the red-headed witch's wrath.

"So seriously, it's totally normal to have a ball slightly lower than the other?"

"Oh, I cannot believe I'm having this conversation with you—yes fuckface, you're supposed to have a damn testicle lower than the other."

They stared at each other in silence for a brief moment.

"Oh...well in that case..."

Zoro took one more glance at the left side of Sanji's face before promptly snorting and splitting his sides with laughter. The cook's face contorted in fury.

"SHITHEAD! I'M GONNA FUCKING REARRANGE YOUR ANATOMY SO THROUGHLY, CHOPPER'S GONNA NEED A SHITTING-DAMN SHOVEL TO REMOVE YOUR HEAD FROM YOUR FAT ASS!"

Zoro, rolling sideways off of the enraged blonde, merely clutched his stomach as he spluttered and coughed his way through the biggest laugh attack he'd ever had in his life.

"Y...your...eye...eyeb...brow..."

"Say it asshole, and you are as good as overboard!"

"...it's....it's..."

"I'm not kidding marimo..."

"...higher..."

"...shut..."

"...than the other..."

"...the..."

"...by about..."

"...fuck..."

"...an inch!"

"DIE SWORDSMAN! DIE!"

-----X3-----

Meanwhile, up in the galley, Nami closed the pothole window against the resounding splash and ensuing curses before turning away and letting out a disappointed sigh.

"Damn it, I was sure we'd see some action this time."

"Ne, Nami, why do we have to stay in here? I'm hungry. If we're in the galley, Sanji should be here making us meat."

"Now Luffy, we're in here because we would rather not disturb Zoro and Sanji while they have the potential to be doing inappropriate, illicit things."

"If that's the case, long-nose, why are you looking out the window with Nami?"

"Shut up Franky."

"What's illicit mean, Robin?"

"Well captain-san..."

"Robin! No! We cannot give him hints of knowledge that might allow him to mate!"

"But Naaaamiiii..."

"Look, here's the key to the storage. Go get something if you're hungry, just don't eat everything!"

Their rubber captain was already gone, key in hand and his doctor and sniper in tow. The navigator sighed as she slumped into a chair at the kitchen table and put her head in her hands. Robin patted her sympathetically on the arm.

"Remind me again why we want to catch Zoro-bro and cook-bro doing the dirty."

"It would appear that our navigator is a secret yaoi fangirl.'

"Oh hush Robin."

"Yohohohoho. You know, I never knew one testicle was supposed to be higher than the other."

The Strawhat's archaeologist chuckled.

"Well Brook-san, you learn something new every day."

-----X3-----

We all know deep, deep....deeeeep down that Usopp's a raging yaoi fanboy. Oh yeah. Xp

Based on a true story: my one eyebrow is actually noticeably higher than my other one, and my so-called "friend" (love her to pieces but I still want to kill her; go figure) likes to tease me about it.

...once again, evidence that I need to be shot. -_-'

I just realised how dirty that title and summery sounds.

Love it? Hate it? That review button's looking pretty damn clickable, eh? ;)