HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACHAEL! This one shot is for the lovely IheartDracoM, and is the result of a brief chat with wiccan98, three cans of energy drink and two cups of coffee. Thanks to Amber, April and Joanna for beta-ing it for me! :D

"Draco?"
"Yes, Father?" Draco leaned against the library doorpost, quickly swallowing the bite of apple he took right before his father started talking to him.
"Come," the man nudged his son closer.
Hesitantly Draco put his full weight on his feet again.

"I just realized… You and I never had 'The Talk'," his father said, looking at Draco expectantly.
Draco's eyes widened quite suddenly; "I didn't do anything!" he said, sounding as if whatever his father was suggesting was completely ridiculous.
Lucius chuckled slightly; " No dear boy; the talk. The birds and the bees..?"
Draco looked to the side for a moment; thinking. After a second he spoke – "You're getting a new gardener?"

Lucius grinned and looked back at his son, but his face fell when he realized the boy was serious. He gaped at him, amazed for a few seconds and then – "Come here Draco, and sit down."

Draco looked confused but obeyed.
"What is it, Father?" he asked, taking a bite from his apple and looking at the other slightly fearfully.
Lucius took a deep breath; "…Have you ever wondered where babies come from?" Draco shook his head slightly.

"You… haven't. wondered." Lucius stated with disbelief.

Draco nodded, and swallowed his bite of apple; "No, I don't see how it concerns me, really…" The severity of the situation then started dawning in on him… partially anyway, because his father's expression made him think he was doing something very, very wrong.
"They come from girls, don't they?" Draco asked quickly, hoping it would make up for his 'mistake'; "That's when their bellies grow and they're like preggers or something, right?"
"Pregnant, yes… My God boy…" Lucius stared at a random point in the room for a few seconds. Draco tried to follow his gaze but when he didn't succeed he took another bite of his apple and looked back at his father.
"You're fifteen years old!"
"I know, Father…"
"And… You don't…" Lucius then turned to his son and grabbed his shoulders; "Ah! You're joking, aren't you?" he then asked, nodding hopefully and his eyes opened wide.
Draco looked at him, feeling very uncomfortable.
He stopped chewing, then quickly continued so his mouth would be empty so he could answer; "No, I'm not… What is there to joke about?"

Lucius looked downright horrified now.

"Sex," he then stated flatly – it didn't seem to ring a bell. "Making love. What do kids call it these days? Fucking?"
"Heard of it…" Draco said, taking on an expression that would fit if they were talking about an old classmate.
"h-Heard of it..?"
"Yeah…yes Father."
"Only heard of it?"
"Yup. Why, what is it?"
"You've… Never…wondered…Where babies come from or… No?" He was desperately trying to read Draco's eyes, but there was nothing there to see.
"Did I do something wrong..?" Draco's big grey eyes were worried now.
Lucius had to think for a second; "…No, Draco… You've done nothing wrong…"
"Could you let go of my shoulders then please? It kind of hurts."
"Right…" Lucius let go and turned facing the coffee table again "h….Have you ever eh… Touched yourself, maybe…?" Lucius then asked, becoming quite red in the face.

"Of course I have-… Are you all right, Father…? You seem a bit out of it…"
"I'm fine… Of course..?" Lucius sighed hopefully, "Well, then there's still hope."
"Still…hope? How could I not touch myself? I'm doing it right now, aren't I?" Draco replied, nodding down to his arm. That was touching his side.
Lucius looked down, almost hoping to find his son's hand between his legs or something. It was laying against his leg though, on the couch just… laying.
"What do you mean 'there's still hope'?" Draco asked ignorantly.

"Never mind that… Uhm- Draco?"
"Hm?"
"Have you ever… touched your… uhmpenis?"

"Yeah..?" Draco asked in reply, oblivious of where this was going. He didn't like how his father was blushing though, it didn't seem right.
"…for pleasure I mean…."
"Hm? Oh-no. No I don't do that – don't worry."
"You… don't…"
"No, I would never," He seemed to think that was the right answer.

Lucius sighed; "Why not, if I may ask?"
"You remember Nanny Louise?"
"You had her… until you were five." Lucius replied tonelessly, having a hunch as to where this was going.

"She caught me doing that once… Or more times I don't even remember exactly but…I remember she leaned in. And… Her face was big and really… intimidating. And she told me never to do that again. " Draco shifted in his seat uncomfortably. "So now… Whenever I feel like… I just... Her face comes to mind and I don't even want to anymore."

"Oh God."

Draco looked really uncomfortable now.

"Do you… remember why we rid of her?"

Draco shook his head slightly.
"Because she pinched you."
"… I don't remember that…"
"She would pinch your nose and ears every time you were disobedient."
"Oh."
"She was a terrible nanny."

"I don't remember her other than her telling me not to do that again… Why did you hire her if she was so terrible?" Draco asked, concern in his voice.

"Because your mother is incapable of performing thorough background checks… Your other nannies didn't… mention… it… did they?"
"Mention what?"
"Touching yourself for pleasure," the awkward was gone for a great deal now, mainly because Draco was completely ignorant.
"Oh-no. Josephine did tell me not to treat Dobby like a friend though, and Mary slapped me once." Lucius nodded impatiently - "because you shouldn't draw on the portraits of your ancestors… Right. So…uhm."
"Are you sure you're all right, father?" Draco's concern was genuine – he didn't often see his father at a loss of words.
"I'm sure," Lucius replied, sitting more upright and trying to feel more comfortable. He then took a deep breath; "Nanny Louise was wrong, Draco." He cocked his head up and looked down on his son, trying not to feel so uncomfortable about this topic.

Sure, he could take the easy way out and tell Narcissa to do it, but she would laugh at him or call him incompetent as a father later. He didn't want that. Then of course he could just ignore the topic and hope Draco would find out for himself…

…

…

But after fifteen years of that the boy still knew nothing.

He could sue Hogwarts for not offering sex e.d…. But he knew full well school wasn't to be held responsible for his son's ignorance. And if people would know his fifteen year old boy didn't even know how to grow branches on the family tree there was a fair chance he would be bullied. That wasn't a pleasant idea.

Then there was of course the option of hiring someone to explain it but…

Hiring someone merely to explain sex didn't seem wise. The person could insist on giving a demonstration…or…Eurgh…. No, he had to do this himself.
However cringe worthy it might be.

Draco cleared his throat; "She was wrong?"
"Yes-men…and women…do…touch themselves for pleasure… And that's okay."
Draco cocked a brow; "It's…Okay?"
Lucius felt his face flush once more; "Yes it's okay."
"I didn't know you used that word," Draco said, smiling slightly before taking another bite from his apple.
"Damn it Draco! This isn't the time to-" when the man saw his son's shocked face he swallowed and drew a breath; "I'm sorry son, but this is difficult enough as it is."
Draco still looked scared.
"It's – a difficult topic, and…well… I should have probably told you about it a long time ago."
"…How is it difficult…?" Draco asked meekly, almost afraid to open his mouth.

"It's not something people er – like to talk about. It's private and…Yes. Personal. Very intimate. I don't want to make this more difficult for you-"
"…difficult for me?" The boy laughed again; "You're the one struggling."
"Watch your mouth now boy…" Lucius glared.
When Draco was looking troubled again Lucius continued. "Now, maybe we can skip the… er… and just get to the technicalities. As you know, girls have their periods-"
"They what?"

Oh God.

"Their period. Their 'times of month'"
"I thought that was a joke," Draco asked, taking another bite and looking at his father with full interest.
Lucius cocked a brow.
"Werewolf jokes. You know."
Lucius pressed his lips together and took a deep breath; "I need a drink."

Two glasses of scotch in the kitchen and one for during the walk back later, Lucius returned, setting a still closed bottle on the table;"You will find that life makes a lot more sense at the end of this," Lucius sat as he sat down.
"Oh-kay…"
"Oh-kay. Let's start with girls then."
Draco didn't reply.
"Women...Girls...women… have a uterus."
Draco remained quiet.
Lucius looked at him, and Draco nodded sadly.
"What now boy? It's not another joke."
"No, I just... Never mind."
"Tell me."
Draco shook his head.
"For God's sake boy!"
"…I feel stupid."
Lucius looked at his son expectantly, and Draco pouted in reply; "…you said it was obvious to know… You know?"
"That's because it is, Draco."
"It is obvious to know what girly periods are?"

Lucius sighed, and took another sip before refilling his glass with his wand.

"Never mind that," he then said, levitating his glass towards him again. "You will find that out once you start dating a girl. Don't worry about it. You're not stupid, you're just…"
"I'm just…?"
"…let's just say you're no Ravenclaw either."
"…Uhm… Duh. I'm Slytherin."

Lucius took another sip. "Right. Now. Where babies come from." He sat more comfortably and looked at his ignorant son again. He then took a deep breath and was about to continue when -"…It's good that I'm a Slytherin, right?"

"Yes, yes… Yes. That's good."

Draco looked relieved.

Lucius took another sip – a big one. And then had to refill his glass again. "Now, when a man loves a woman or when he doesn't and just likes her in a way, when he gets aroused… Don't look at me like you're stupid boy, …. They get aroused. That's the feeling you get when you want to touch yourself for pleasure. Get it so far?"

He quickly took a sip while glancing over at his son, who was just opening his mouth. Before he got a change to talk Lucius continued; "Right. But thing is, you don't have to touch yourself, other people can touch you too. And when you like a girl and she likes you too, you uhm she can touch you and you can touch her because it feels nice. But you don't just do that in public because it's private."
"…private with a girl?"
"Yes."
"…okay…"

"Consider it your dirty little secret."
Ah, he seemed to understand.
"So uhm… girls don't have a penis." Lucius felt slightly ridiculous now, talking to his 15-year-old who knew all about his being a Death Eater but didn't truly know what blood purity meant.
"I know that."
"Do you..?" the surprise in Lucius' tone was genuine.
"Yes, Pansy once made me feel up her skirt. There was nothing there, really…"
"…Oh. Well, girls have vaginas."

They exchanged a glance; Draco's was ignorant and interested, Lucius' was trying not to be mocking.
"They're like holes your penis goes in." he quickly took a sip.
"…and they're closed once a month?"
Lucius choked in the whiskey.
"With the periods, right?"
When there was no more whiskey in Lucius's windpipe he managed; "…you could see it that way, yes. It's a bit more complicated than that, but – That's the bottom line, yes.'
Draco beamed.
"Uhm… So. When… You like a girl and she likes you too, you can touch each other for pleasure until your uhm penis is hard and then you can put it in her vagina and then uhm when…" it was painful to talk to his child as if he had a mental retardation, even though that was basically the case in this aspect.

Sexually retarded…

Gods, he sure hoped nobody ever found out about that!

"When you come, which is… the climax, basically, you er… Stuff. Sperm. Comes out of your penis and that then goes in the vagina and there's a big chance you get her pregnant." He reached for his glass again and stopped half-way the motion; "which is that a baby starts growing inside of her. In the uterus. And 9 months later, if everything is all right, the baby is born." He took a big sip. Draco looked shocked.

"There are a lot of words associated with this thing called sex. Because this was sex. Uhm… if you do it alone or with things it's called masturbating-"

Draco was still looking shocked.

"When you come – have this climax- and the sperm comes out that's called an orgasm…And don't worry Draco, many things are normal. When you erm orgasm at night because of a dream that's a 'wet dream', and erm when you er have a preference for uhm specific things, that arouse you, it's called a kink."

Draco was still shocked.

"Like uhm some people like to see their partner – euh dress up a certain way because that arouses them more. A partner is someone you have sex with… when talking about couples. Which is when you love one another. And besides kinks there's also this thing called fetishes which is very specific kinks and when you don't get really aroused by things other than the er kink. And some men like breasts more, some like butts more and some like the overall picture best." -he took a quick sip- "Breasts are for giving the baby milk after the baby is born. And a navel is when you're a baby uhm in the uterus-it's what connects you to your mother and what you feed through until you are born and can drink milk. Which comes from the breast."

He looked at his son again… surprised – not really though- to find him still looking gobsmacked.

"What?" he asked impatiently.
He didn't like Draco speaking his mind at random times, but putting on the stupid look was even more annoying.
He finished his glass as he thought this and immediately refilled it.

"…can boys get pregnant..?"

"Of course n-…not…Is there a… particular… reason for you asking..?" Lucius attempted to ask casually.

"Do you remember Mr. McNeir came by the other week..?"

Lucius downed his glass in a sip-slash-nod…He should get a new bottle soon.

"He took Michael with him right...? And you told me to show him around..?"

"Get to the point boy."

"I think we had sex. Or something like it. Because neither of us is a girl."

Now it was Lucius who was shocked.

"Ehm it… Was nice actually. And I think I did come. But… I wasn't with a girl so that's called masturbating. Or not because I was with someone else. Boys aren't things, are they? Or do they more or less classify as-"
"Homo."
"Hm?"
"When two people of the same gender like each other they're homosexual. Or gay. Or… yes. Gay."
"-is it called sex though? Because-"
"YES Draco that's called sex." Lucius snapped. Then, hopefully; "…and… if it's against the will one of the people involved it's called rape."
No response.
"Did he rape you, Draco..?"
"No. I don't let anyone do anything to me I don't want."

Lucius reached for his glass again, but stopped in mid air when a familiar voice filled the room; "I was going to tell you to include the bit where women -or girls- feel pleasure too… but by the looks of it that won't be necessary."

"Mother," Draco said, looking at the woman standing behind the sofa.
"Darling, why don't you go upstairs and read this?" she said to Draco, handing him a crimson coloured book, "Your father and I need to have a word.""But we're having the talk."
"I know dear, the book says everything he tried to tell you, but a lot more comprehensible and without the prejudice."
"What prejudice? I-" Lucius tried, but he was interrupted; "How about you came down at 7? Then we can go for dinner," Narcissa said to Draco, giving him the look that said he'd better listen.
When Draco turned his back she continued; "The bit where you ignored that women feel pleasure too…I'll remind you how that works…"

And with that, Draco Malfoy -who was hiding behind a bookcase- did not only get The Talk, but also The Demonstration.

Okay you know what; if you made it all the way down here – please leave a review! And wish Rachael a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!