Title: The Best Pharaoh
Rating: K+
Summary: Burning palaces, an over-consuming population, and rampaging hippos. Yami enlists Yugi's help to run his empire.
Genre: Humor/General
Pairings: Puzzleshipping ifyousquint.
Words: 879

Disclaimer: One little, two little, three little pharaohs, four little, five little, six little pharaohs, seven little, eight little, nine little pharaohs, and many more and none belong to me.

A/N: Big thanks to Lucidscreamer and Obaa_chan for the inspiration (especially to Obaa for the tips and for answering my questions!). In the words of some random YouTuber, "Building your city is fun until a fire starts, and then it all goes to hell." I now know from experience.

The Best Pharaoh

"Partner!"

Yugi sat up straight, dropping his pencil and turning away from calculus as the pharaoh rushed up to his doorway.

"My palace keeps burning down," Yami said, clearly distressed. His hands were on either side of the doorframe, but now he removed one and held it out to Yugi. "Here, come on!"

Yugi took it and Yami dragged him over to his room, jabbing an upset finger at the computer screen. "Look – "

Tiny moving pixels resembling tanned half-naked people were moving back and forth between wells and the demolishing rubble that was once the great palace of Atememheb. Behind the structure sat the wide expanse of the Nile, and as they watched, a fat, gray creature or two rose from the water and trudged toward the city.

"And now the hippos are rampaging through the streets to kill my citizens again." Yami sounded caught between feeling exasperated or pissed off. "Not to mention the peasants themselves, who are eating more than they produce, but before I could fix that, the hunting lodge burned down and all of the farms were destroyed by the Hittites!"

Yugi's eyebrows met as he concentrated on the screen. The hippopotami, oblivious to the fire as it spread to the local bazaar ("Why the hell are my water-carriers watching the jugglers perform? Get back to work!" Yami demanded), stomped down the streets, smashing upon citizens as they passed them. Yugi also noticed a few suspicious-looking figures robbing the temples as the police force ran around in circles, but he felt disinclined to point this out to Yami.

"Have you been holding enough festivals to Ptah?" Yugi asked as, out of the corner of his eye, he saw the juggler's stage catch on fire.

Yami looked at him and blinked. On the screen, two mine shafts collapsed. "The god of fire?"

"Yeah." Yugi took the mouse and clicked on the Temple of Ptah, moving the cursor over to 'Hold Grand Festival.' "Ptah is the worst god to piss off. He'll set fire on everything. But don't forget to worship Set, too, because if you please him then he'll kill the Hittites for you."

"Is there a 'Sacrifice to the Gods' option?" Yami inquired, stink-eying some of the thieves as they shuffled in and out of the temple. "Specifically, say I wanted to smite this fellow…" He pointed to a particular thief figure with a long coat and lots of jewelry – clearly the ringleader of the delinquents. "…and offer him as tribute to Ptah so that the god will be pleased and control the fires in my city?"

"Your culture never made human sacrifices, Yami," Yugi said nervously, not liking how un-hypothetical his example seemed.

"I know. I got the idea from your History of the Americas textbook, with those… Az… Atez…"

"Aztecs?"

"Yes, that's the one." He growled as the thieves invaded the mastaba next. "Get out of there, you stupid tomb robber!"

Yugi had to prevent himself from laughing. "No, there's no 'sacrifice' option. You have to make your citizens happy so they won't resort to thievery."

"Why would I ever go out of my way to make tomb robbers happy?" Yami groused.

"Give them a few jobs," Yugi offered, ignoring that. "For instance, you'll need a lot of potters and clay-makers to fulfill that request made by your neighboring country."

"I wouldn't trust a tomb robber to sharpen pencils," Yami said flatly. "And even then, only when supervised."

"You could send the law enforcement after him," Yugi siad, distracting Yami's attention as the pottery-maker stall went up in flames.

"He'd just set Diabound after them," Yami reasoned.

"Tax collectors?"

"He'd rob them, too."

"You could drown him in the Nile."

Yami's attention sharpened. "Really?"

"No," Yugi said, "but I don't think you'll have to worry about Bakura for much longer, anyway."

Yami, brows furrowed in confusion, followed Yugi's gaze to the screen – just in time to see a plump hippo pounding its way through the city, corner the tomb robbers and their ringleader into a dead end, and murder the tiny pixilated people with a quick stomp of his foot.

It took him a minute, but soon enough, Yami was cackling with laughter. Yugi couldn't help chuckling at the other's amusement; but if Yami counted this as a victory against Bakura, he wasn't going to stop his fun.

After he had calmed down, the Egyptian turned to Yugi, a sly look on his face. "You'd make a damn good pharaoh, you know."

"I sincerely doubt that."

"Well, I don't." He turned back to the computer screen, making a few clicks to order the construction of more firehouses. "I watched you play last time; you know how to run a city. These citizens like you, and you're nice to them. A little too nice, since you keep offering them free beer even when they're busy setting things on fire – " Yami scrunched his nose up in disapproval as the palace let out a poof of smoke before crumbling to the sandy earth, but brightened noticeably as construction workers immediately got to work to rebuild it. " – but I think you'd be a great pharaoh. Perhaps even better than me. If only in this game." He winked.

Yugi grinned, catching the challenge. "You're on."

A/N: Lucid has a fic kind of like this (that I promise I didn't try to copy from!) called "Pharaoh," located at: fanfiction (dot) net (slash) s (slash) 2872599 (slash). She introduced it to me so I can answer that yes, this is a real game (conveniently titled "Pharaoh"), and it's quite enjoyable. I downloaded the demo the other day and I plan on buying the real thing soon. I can say with proof that it's totally awesome. :D Hope you enjoyed!