This is a humor/parody fic I wrote when the Lord of the Rings trilogy was coming out in theaters.

Summary: Things that the Fellowship might say or do...If I had my insane hand in it.

Disclaimer: All belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien and his descendants and companies who own all the rights to LotR.

I. The Fellowship of the Ring

Isengard

Saruman: You are sure of this?

Gandalf: Beyond any doubt. *staff snaps*

Saruman: Gandalf?

Gandalf: *sprawled on the lawn* Wood fretter.

Saruman: I told you to go with black metal.

Gandalf: And the matching light bulb? I think not.

Saruman: I resent that.

:: *-* ::

Orc: What does the Eye command?

Saruman: Send out an A.P.B. for a solid gold, one-size-fits-all mind-warping Ring with some form of Elvish all nicely engraved on it.

Orc: Okey-dokey.

Rivendell

Aragorn: You cannot give me this.

Arwen: I know. I've thought it over and...mortality bites, Aragorn. *pats him on the shoulder* Sorry.

:: later ::

Elrond: Estel, what troubles you?

Aragorn: Arwen...has made her choice.

Elrond: *after a long pause* So the Evenstar has given up eternal life for you.

Aragorn: She has rejected me.

Elrond: Well, a girl can change her mind, can't she?

Aragorn: *pushes him off the bridge* I hate that guy.

Misty Mountains

Legolas: There is a fell voice on the air!

Frodo: Heeellooooooo...Yoohoo! Sarumaaan! Come and get it!

Gandalf: Oh bother.

*avalanche buries Fellowship*

:: a few seconds later ::

*Fellowship crawls out of snow*

Legolas: Aah...

Aragorn: What?

Legolas: I lost a contact.

Aragorn: ...

Legolas: What? You think 80/80 vision just happens?

Moria

Legolas: Orcs!

Boromir: No, really? You mean that's them drumming, thumping and screeching inanely?

Legolas: In case you zoned out then, 'there are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world'.

Gandalf: Thank you!

:: not much later ::

Boromir: They have a cave troll.

Legolas: What did I tell you?

Celeborn: Where are you off to?

Galadriel: To terrorize the Hobbit into giving me the One Ring.

Celeborn: Somebody owes me ten loaves of lembas.

Haldir: Sod it.

:: *-* ::

*Frodo looks into the basin and sees Galadriel drowning him in it*

Galadriel: *menacingly* I know what it is you saw. For it is also in my mind.

Frodo: *gulps* If you ask it of me, I will give you the One Ring.

Galadriel: Good call.

:: later that night ::

Galadriel: *cackles* My precioussss...

Celeborn: Talk dirty, babe!