A/N: Ok well this is another one of those meant-to-be-a-oneshot Author-meets-characters fic that's going into chapters. I will strive to keep it very short, tho. And I will work to find the humor in this whole mixed up mess so I can turn this into a funny fic worth reading. Right now... it's just therapy. Raph wasn't who I expected to show up, but he may just save this from being an angst-ridden sob-fest, so hooray.

In case you care, yes, I really did have a fight with my husband. And yes, if it were possible, I might very likely be willing to send Raph after him right now.

Good thing for him, I have to include this disclaimer: I own no turtles, mutant, ninja or otherwise, and this is a fan-generated work of fiction for no profit whatsoever unless you count what it's saving me in therapy bills.

Many thanks, as always, to the actual owners for allowing us to play on their playground.

Anger Management

-Chapter 1-

Thud.

"What da shell?"

Thud.

"Mikell?"

Thud.

"Hey! Dat one almost got me! Hey! Hey, Aut'or!"

"What, Raphael?"

The author threw another shuriken. Thud. It hit the door.

"Who gave ya those? They ain't toys, ya know?"

"They're Leo's."

"Yer gonna cut yerself."

Thud.

"I don't care."

The red-banded turtle crossed the room in two steps, catching the author's wrist before she could flick the next star-shaped blade at the dartboard hanging on the back of her bedroom door. She shot him a look that would have intimidated anyone but Raphael.

"Leave me alone," she growled, jerking in his grasp. He wouldn't let her go.

"Ya want me ta take care o' dis fer ya?" he asked softly.

"I don't need you to solve my problems for me, Raphael," she snapped.

"I t'ought ya loved 'im."

"I do." Tears burned down her cheeks. She didn't bother to blink them away, just kept glaring into his golden eyes.

"I don't like seein' ya like dis."

"So go away." She jerked again, and this time a trickle of red spilled down the side of her hand, tracing down her wrist.

"Now ya done it. I tol' ya they're sharp," he scolded, plucking the throwing star from her hand. "Let me see dat."

"Leave me alone," snapped the author, yanking her hand free at last.

"Don't be such a baby," he growled, grabbing her wrist. With incredible gentleness, he peeled her fingers back, revealing a small but deep cut.

"Yer gonna hafta let Donny look at dis," he said.

"It's fine," she answered, trying to pull her hand away. Raph shot her a look.

"What's da matter wit' you? Dis ain't like you, Author."

"I'm not in the mood, Raph. Let go."

"Not 'til ya tell me what's wrong."

"Why do you care?"

"Yer still writin' my brother inta a fic, aren't ya? Leo's a pain, but I don't want ya… ya know, writin' him fallin' off a cliff 'r somet'in."

"I'm not going to take it out on Leo."

"Oh, no?" His eyes narrowed behind the red mask.

"No."

"Ya know ya see Leo in 'im," said Raphael softly.

She jerked her hand out of his grasp and was off the bed, heading out of the room, before Raphael could react. He didn't catch up with her until she was walking under the trees. The neighbors were annoyingly outside, forcing Raphael to take a more elaborate route into the woods behind the author's house to avoid being spotted.

He smirked slightly, recognizing a tree he'd recently attached his annoying youngest brother to.

Dat was some weekend, thought Raph. Too bad dat glitter finally wore off Mike's shell.

He heard the woman's footsteps rustling in the leaf litter and hurried to catch up, moving as silently as he could. Even a ninja can't walk in dry leaves with absolute silence. Mary Mikell's head snapped around at his approach. Her usually welcoming smile was markedly absent in the look she gave him.

"Raphael, I don't want to talk about it," she said.

"I know."

"So why are you following me?"

"I jus'… like da woods, ya know? It's… nice out here."

She snorted softly but no longer objected to his presence. After a while, she spoke again.

"Why didn't the others come?"

Raph shrugged. "Mikey an' Austin… did ya really wanna see dem two love birds right now? And Donny… He's pretty wrapped up with Bev. I t'ink Leo's a little scared o' ya." He barely contained his smirk.

"'Fearless' is scared?" Mikell laughed, but the sound was as dry as the leaves under their feet.

"I'm a little scared o' you right now," said Raph, letting his smirk show this time.

Mary snorted and stalked away from him again.

"Dis ain't like you," he called.

She whirled, anger flashing in her eyes. "You don't know me, Raphael," she snapped. She stalked closer. "You don't know how I am when I'm…" She trailed off, throwing her hands up in frustration. "Just leave me alone."

"Author," he said, approaching cautiously as if the seething woman were a wild animal. "I know ya. I know ya make good pancakes."

She started to laugh. "You baka."

"Now," he scolded. "Where'd ya learn ta talk like dat?"

"From Ramica," said Mary, unrepentant.

"I'll hafta have a talk wit' dat girl," said Raphael.

Mary turned away, hugging her middle. "You'll have to do it on your own, Raph. I'm really not in the mood to write any fic right now."

T'ank shell fer dat, thought Raphael fervently. Anything that came from the woman's pen at the moment was unlikely to end pleasantly for him and his brothers. Or any male of any species for that matter.

"Ya gotta forgive 'im," said Raph softly, coming closer, but not quite touching the angry woman. "Ya know ya do. If ya love 'im. An' if ya wanna work dis out."

Mary said something very rude. Raphael's mouth fell open in shock. He whistled. "I didn't even know ya knew dat word," he said.

She had the grace to blush. "Yeah, well, I do," she snapped. "Now, go away."

"No."

"I said, go away."

"I ain't leavin'."

"Go away!" She shouted. She was standing, facing him, her fists clenched at her sides, her eyes blazing, even as tears streaked down her cheeks.

"No!" he yelled right back.

"Why?" Her voice grew to a wail. "Why can't everyone just go the… just go away and leave me alone?"

"Because," he snapped.

"Because why?"

"Because… ya got friends, Mikell. Friends dat care about ya. Yer Ma, she cares about ya. Why da ya t'ink she offered…"

"SHUT UP!" The furious woman turned on her heel and stalked off.

Aw, shell, now I done it.

Raph watched her go a few paces away. Leo, yer better at dis kinda stuff. Well, I ain't gonna chase her.

The woman disappeared into the trees. Raphael considered for a long moment. With a heavy sigh, he turned back to the house. There was someone he needed to talk to, the one person who could fix this.

Mary's husband, Ken.