Title: The Lies We Tell Ourselves

Pairing: Mostly Rui x Tsukushi, and a bit of Tsukasa x Tsukushi

Rating: M

Canon: Manga-verse; does not include the one-shot specials. Though it really doesn't matter story wise, characterizations from the manga have several discrepancies from their drama counterparts. I was thinking of J-drama Rui and manga-verse Makino when I was writing this actually.

Warning: Adult situations, though there is nothing explicit. Also, a morally-ambiguous Rui.

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me but the story.

A/N: [Edit: Sept 20 2012 ] Revisited this fic after almost 3 years. I made a few edits- mostly fixing my horrendous typos and punctuation and adjusting some redundant language.

Also, I never expected this fic to get such amazing feedback (considering that the HYD fandom isn't exactly a sprawling one). I feel so guilty now for losing my mojo for this other RxT fic I was in the middle of writing. I'm not making any promises, but I'm on a quest to finish at least 50% of my overflowing WIP folder, so I'll do my best to churn out that Rui x Tsukushi fic with a non-ambiguous happy ending. Thank you so much for your awesome reviews.

It starts innocently enough.

The stairwell is their special place, a sanctuary that allows them both to temporarily forget that the rest of the world exists. He and his cat naps, she and her books. His head on her lap, her fingers absently curled in his hair.

She and the fears she could not speak aloud to anyone else, he and his soothing murmurs; they lean on each other, Rui for peace, Tsukushi for comfort.

She has gotten used to his affection. He wipes away her tears when she cries, holds her tightly when her shoulders start to shake. They've held hands too many times to count, so much that it is second nature to them.

Not quite lovers but definitely not just friends.

They've toed that line far too often. If Rui realizes it, he doesn't say. If Tsukushi realizes this, she thinks she's wrong. Rui is peerless in her eyes; he isn't dangerous though he knows her far too well- it is in his company where Tsukushi can feel completely like herself.

In Rui's eyes, Tsukushi outshines him in so many ways, that he has thought it only fitting to be her background, her support, her crying shoulder, the one who will fix her when she burns out so that she may shine again.

The light catches Rui's hair in way that makes Tsukushi's heart thump a little louder in her chest, and she tells herself it's only a fleeting stir in those feelings she had a long time ago.

xoxoxoxo

Tsukushi and Tsukasa fight over many things- money and Tsukushi's adamant refusal to accept any from Tsukasa, trust and how Tsukasa often lacks it, and schedules, which they cannot seem to reconcile peacefully. They have their loving moments, but bickering is more of the rule and not the exception.

After their spats, Tsukushi would sulk in the emergency staircase, and Rui would come to listen to her, console her or toss her something shiny to distract her (not necessarily in that order). It happens so often, that it's almost like clockwork.

Today is one of those days.

"I don't know why I keep believing this would work- it's barely been three months and we're already fighting about not seeing eye-to-eye on so many things," Tsukushi mutters, hugging her knees to her chest.

Rui throws a comforting arm around her shoulder, as he usually does when Tsukushi is feeling particularly miffed. "The hardest part about long-distance relationships is always the beginning."

"Yeah, I know." She sighs and leans on him. "Still, sometimes, he makes me feel like I'm such a useless waste of space. I know he doesn't mean it like that, but it's just so infuriatingly ingrained in him to be a smug bastard and really, 'That's just the way he is' doesn't cut it anymore."

Rui looks up thoughtfully, no doubt thinking of a new way to answer the same question he has heard so many times since Tsukasa left for New York. "Sometimes Makino," he starts, his gaze fixed at the darkening sky, "… people pretend that the thing they value most is something ordinary so people won't suspect their value, and have it taken away."

Tsukushi snorts. "That's a stupid thing to do. If you value something or someone, you should always make sure they know they're important." She pauses, and adopts a smug expression. "Besides, I'm not something that can be easily stolen away."

"No you're not," Rui agrees. "Still, it has a point."

Tsukushi glances sideways at him. "Would you do something like that? Treat people like they don't mean anything when you feel the opposite?"

Again, Rui is quiet for a few moments, and Tsukushi slightly worries that her question had been offensive.

"In the past, maybe," Rui finally answers, a wistful expression on his face. "Then I realized that there is more satisfaction to be gained by protecting what's important."

He smiles at her, and Tsukushi knows what that look means, and how those words are far from empty.

She smiles back, though she wonders yet again, what Rui sees in her that is worth protecting.

xoxoxoxo

Akira invites them to his new summer house in Okinawa during one long weekend, along with Soujiro, Shigeru and Sakurako. There are drinks and food and board games, and the night is bound to be merry, especially since Soujiro and Shigeru managed to slip alcohol in Tsukushi's grasp without her knowledge. Soon, Rui is forced to assume his post as the ambulatory furniture that Tsukushi has to hold on to, since she can't seem to do the same for her margarita.

Truly, alcohol is a funny thing. Alcohol mixed with an increasingly indignant Tsukushi and a determined Soujiro is a fascinating thing.

"Admit it, we have a point!" Soujiro insists. "If you want to give Tsukasa a good time when he comes back, you have to get laid before he does so you know what you're doing. Coz I'm telling you, two virgins fumbling around together for the first time sucks harder than a male squid in heat."

Tsukushi glares at them, and for some reason, Rui is reminded of an angry kitten mewling ferociously inside a box. "You are all perverts. I'm not gonna give up my virginity to some random guy just for experience."

Soujiro waves his hand dismissively. "Who said it had to be random? I could do it, no strings attached!"

Tsukushi and Rui stare at him, while Sakurako and Shigeru make no attempt to hide their giggles. Akira just looks amused.

"No," Rui replies for Tsukushi, whose intoxication seems to be hindering her from speech. Soujiro pouts and opens his mouth to protest, but Akira raises his hand.

"Okay, not Soujiro. How about me then?" he volunteers, grinning. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not attracted to you or anything, but if it's for a truly worthy cause, I would gladly perform this civic duty of educating you with the fineries of sexual intercourse."

"No, pick me- I'd teach you so well Tsukasa wouldn't know what hit him!" Soujiro insists, pushing Akira aside.

Akira shoves him back before turning an earnest face towards Makino. "No, pick me! Orgasm guaranteed or I'm your bitch."

Tsukushi finally finds her voice. "… Why am I friends with you guys again? I forgot."

"Makino-sempai, they kinda have a point," Sakurako asserts, earning her an approving look from Soujiro. "I mean, what's the big deal about losing your virginity? It's not like you miss it when it's gone."

"See?" Soujiro makes a grand gesture. "That's logic I can understand. Honestly, Tsukushi you should listen to Sakurako more."

Tsukushi just rubs her temples. "That's not the point. Also, you guys are drunk."

"Hello kettle, I am pot. Tell me, oh great defender of virginity, what is the point?"

"How about the fact that her boyfriend will disembowel you with a pitchfork when finds out?" Rui answers for Tsukushi again, ever deadpan. Normally, he'd play around with their drunken banter, but Tsukushi seems buzzed enough to actually take them seriously. And he'd rather chew off his own foot than allow Tsukushi to take part in the mad schemes of the two sex-crazy loons he calls his best friends.

"You mean, if he finds out, he wouldn't know—" Rui throws Soujiro a warning look "—but you're right, that is an excellent point."

"Ugh, you guys are terrible." Tsukushi throws up her hands in defeat, the motion making her sway slightly, like weeds on a seabed. "I'm going to bed."

Rui immediately stands up. "I'll walk you to your room," he declares, his tone brooking no argument. Tsukushi shrugs, reaches up and grabs his arm, almost knocking over a bottle of wine in the process.

"Oh I get it." Soujro winks at them suggestively. "Rui, you sly dog, I'm onto you."

Rui just rolls his eyes. "Please grow up, Soujiro," he retorts. He knows his friend is just joking and just being his usual lewd, motor-mouthed self but that last remark struck a nerve in him.

They exit the room and head towards the private quarters in silence. Tsukushi stumbles again, seemingly for the fifth time, and Rui, with a rueful shake of his head, picks Tsukushi up in his arms.

"We'll be faster this way," he teases, when Tsukushi begins to protest.

"I didn't realize we were in a hurry," Tsukushi retorts, though she reluctantly stops trying to wiggle off Rui's grasp.

"Of course we are, you are drunk and borderline irrational; therefore the longer you stay with those two perverts, the more likely it is you'll actually consider bumping uglies with them."

"Bumping ug… That is so disgusting." It figures Tsukushi would seem more offended with the terminology Rui used than its implications. She huffs, and folds her arms. "And no, I'd never sleep with either of them, even if they're the only men left in the world."

"Good. Otherwise you wouldn't be so much deflowered as deforested."

Tsukushi face turns into a delicate shade of green, and Rui bites back a laugh. "Ugh gross! Just keep that up Rui and I'll throw up on you. Besides-"

"Okay, okay I'll stop-"

"- if I had to lose it to someone who isn't Tsukasa, it'll be you."

xoxoxoxo

Tsukushi knows she isn't drunk. A bit buzzed, yes, but drunk, no. Rui is just exaggerating. She has no idea why she just said that, but it seemed like a normal thing to say. At least at that moment. Now she's not so sure. Rui has stopped walking and is staring at her rather quizzically as if she grew an extra nostril.

Rui doesn't say anything and Tsukushi, not for the first time, wishes she could be struck mute indefinitely. Oh my god, kill me now I am such a moron. But before she could come up with an explanation, Rui chuckles and starts walking again.

"You're drunk, Makino," he remarks teasingly. "But thank you, I am flattered."

Still blushing furiously, she sticks her tongue out at him, all the while feeling relieved at how easily Rui dismissed a potentially humiliating situation. Not that it excuses anything, but it's a comforting thought to know that Rui wouldn't make a big deal out of it. If she said anything of the sort to Nishikado, nothing short of honorable suicide would be the next logical course of action.

Relaxing, she leans her head against his chest, and listens to the soothing rhythm of his heartbeat. "Your heart's beating so fast," she murmurs, feeling her eyes drooping slowly.

"That's because carrying you takes some serious effort."

"Hmph, I didn't ask you to carry me."

"I had to, otherwise you would end up crawling to your room."

"I'm not that bad! I can talk to you coherently, see?"

"Fine, I'll just drop you then."

"No!" She immediately latches on to Rui's neck and glares at him. "That's no way to treat a lady!"

Rui laughs. "Silly girl," he whispers, "I wouldn't let go even if you asked me to."

For some reason, Tsukushi's cheeks suddenly feel hot (again), and she looks away. Though she will never admit it, it does feel nice, being carried like this. She is no delicate flower, but every once in a while, even she appreciates being looked after.

They reach her room, and Rui gently places her on the bed, tucking her in. With the blanket wrapped around her, she sighs contentedly and turns to Rui. "Thank you Hanazawa Rui," she whispers. "What would I do without you?"

Rui gives her that beautiful serene smile, and reaches out to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear. Maybe it's the alcohol speaking, but she feels her heart race over that seemingly simple gesture he has done a hundred times before.

"Good night, Tsukushi."

Rui has already stepped out the door by the time she realizes he has called her by her first name.

xoxoxoxo

Rui learned long ago that it is all too human to not give up something he loves, no matter how much it may hurt him. But he also knows that more often than not, love means letting go, and this is what he reminds himself of when Tsukushi steps into his room in the dead of night, looking frail in her night clothes. The thin material is almost translucent in the moonlight, her skin almost ghost-like in its paleness. The party is long gone; he doesn't know how late it is. He briefly wonders if he is dreaming.

Then she slowly walks towards him. "I can't stand it. I don't know why I'm feeling like this."

His voice is carefully nonchalant when he replies, "Feeling like what?"

"Like I'm lying to myself."

Rui stays put, despite common sense telling him to discourage the closing distance between them. "Everybody lies." She is less than three feet away from him, and closing.

She stops, and fixes him that wide-eyed questioning gaze and Rui suddenly feels trapped. "Hanazawa Rui… have you ever lied to me?"

The question catches him off guard, and his answer surprises him even more so. "Everyday."

There is a flash of hurt in her eyes and Rui thinks of how ironic it is that it would've been better to have simply lied.

But Tsukushi isn't done surprising him yet, when she asks, "Can you tell me the truth now?"

Truth. The word sounds strange even in his mind. For so long, he has been used to acting against his impulses, in favor of ethics, of loyalty. Of all the things he knows, the truth is always the one he is unsure of, the one he never wants to say out loud. The truth terrifies him, and while it is already there, lurking in the deepest corners of his heart he does not seek it. But now…

Tsukushi is looking at him expectantly. Truth. His lips are dry, and hers are so inviting, and he cannot stop the words spilling out of his mouth no matter how much he knows he'll regret it.

"I wish you had chosen me."

A heavy silence follows these words. Rui does his best to look unfazed, even as his pulse races at the gravity of his confession. Tsukushi opens her mouth to speak but Rui cuts her off. "It's getting late, you should go back to bed."

"Rui…"

"Don't." He swallows the bitterness in his voice, and looks away. "Don't pity me. I can't stand it."

He hears her sigh. He looks up slowly, and sees the sadness in her eyes. She reaches out as if to touch him, but stops midway.

Then she whispers, "Sometimes… I wish I had chosen you too."

She turns around and walks away. The door closes, and Rui blinks away what could have been tears.

xoxoxoxo

Tsukushi doesn't head straight to her room after her short, but startlingly enlightening conversation with Rui; instead, she heads straight to the kitchen and makes herself a cup of tea.

She thinks of the past few months of Tsukasa's absence, filled up effortlessly by Rui. Rui will forever be a mystery to her- whenever she thinks she has figured him out, he surprises her each time with something unexpected. Like tonight.

Then again, he isn't the only one with surprises. It was confusion that propelled her to go to him, having no one else to turn to. She doesn't know why she keeps having these conflicting feelings- she had been so certain her heart is dead set on Doumyouji. So what the hell is she doing, acting this way around Rui?

Once, she asked herself, if Rui had confessed to her sooner, would she have still have ended up with Tsukasa? Her answer had been yes, but she failed to take into account time and distance, and how they can break everything. She hates this feeling of uncertainty- and how she has been too familiar with it.

Her relationship with Tsukasa is perpetually on broken cycles and frequently punctuated by sharp edges. Her relationship with Rui, on the other hand, is a constant, a steady orbit, unchanging, natural.

Tsukasa is all extremes. Perhaps this is why she is so inexplicably drawn to him; she thrives best in conflict, and Tsukasa provides her with plenty of things to fight against. They've hurt each other so many times, and yet always, they go back and try again. Tsukasa loves her with a single-minded passion, and she knows he will do anything for her. It terrifies her sometimes- his love is the kind that consumes, burns and overwhelms and she isn't sure if she deserves it, isn't sure if she can return his love with the same level of intensity and devotion.

As for Rui…

No, she chastises herself. She has to stop comparing, stop thinking about Rui.

I can't fall into this web again.

She goes back to her room, carefully holding her tea so that not a drop spills out. She nudges the door open with her knee, and almost drops her cup.

Rui is standing in her room, gazing out the window. His fine features are highlighted by the flecks of moonlight slipping through the translucent curtains, and for a fleeting moment, she remembers Tsukasa on the night before he left, his hair slicked back, strong features thrown in sharp relief under the pale light of the full moon. They look so different under the same light- Tsukasa is all power and grace, and Rui…

Rui is the picture of impenetrable loneliness, and against her will, her heart suddenly aches at the sight of him.

He doesn't turn towards her when he speaks. "You never told me what you were lying to yourself about."

Tsukushi gets over her surprise long enough to place her cup on a nearby shelf. She doesn't look at him when she answers, "It doesn't matter now."

"Yes it does." Rui leaves the window, and walks towards her, determination etched on his face. "Tell me."

She stares back defiantly. "The moment for it has passed."

Rui makes a sound of disbelief, before reaching out to grab her wrist. "Moment? What moment?" His grip isn't crushing, but it is firm. "What did you want to tell me, Tsukushi? What did you want to do?"

Tsukushi tries to wrench her hand away but her arm is trembling too much to do any good. "Rui, let go please. I can't do this."

"When you went to my room, you asked me to tell you the truth." His voice is hard, his eyes uncompromising. "You got it. I'm asking you to do the same."

"I can't."

"Please." Rui's voice drops to a desperate whisper and Tsukushi's resolve weakens. He forces her to look him in the eye. "Please Tsukushi. I need to know."

Tsukushi tries to set her eyes somewhere else, emotions welling up inside her. She hates herself for crumbling- always during the times she absolutely must stay firm. How can she say no to someone who has done nothing but be there for her? She couldn't.

So she blinks away the last of her tears, before fixing her gaze back towards Rui's pleading eyes. "You really want to know? Fine," she said, her voice trembling. "I went there because I'm going crazy trying to understand why I wanted you so badly." Shock registers in Rui's eyes, and she keeps talking. "I thought that if I managed to go to your side, and turn my back on you with my own strength, it means it's something I can control. And I did. I resisted. So I'm okay." Deep breaths. She wrenches her arm from Rui's suddenly slack grasp, an intense mixture of regret and shame pooling in her stomach. "Or at least I will be."

Rui's mouth opens and closes for a few seconds, before he finally asks, "Do you still want me now?"

Of all the fucking questions… Tsukushi laughs bitterly. "If I still do, I can't do anything about it and you know why."

Her answer doesn't deter him one bit. "Do you love me?"

Another loaded question. Tsukushi steps back, and turns away. "Please don't make me answer that," she whispers. "Rui, be a good friend and just leave before we end up doing something we'll regret." She knows that if she gives in, everything will change, and they can't ever go back, and she cannot have that.

"We were never just friends Tsukushi."

That's all we ever should be, she answers silently. She takes a deep breath and turns back, forcing herself to meet his eyes. "My boyfriend is Tsukasa. And I love him."

"But you want me."

"I shouldn't."

"But you do." He reaches out and gently runs a knuckle on the curve of her cheek. Tsukushi does her best not to lean into his touch but to her horror, she doesn't shy away either. "I want you too."

She turns around abruptly, her fists clenched at her sides. "No. We can't do this."

Rui's arms wrap around her lean frame from behind, his grip tight and again, desperate. "Just give me tonight," he says softly in her ear, his voice hoarse with need. He slips a hand underneath her cotton top, and Tsukushi sucks in a breath as his cool fingers graze her skin. "He doesn't have to know. If you can't give me forever, give me this night."

Oh god, no. Why do you do this? "Rui…" she breathes, feeling her resolve slip away faster and faster.

His lips graze the lobe of her ear ever so slightly. "You could call me Tsukasa if you like."

It's as if something died inside her, like a candle put out by the wind, and just like that, Rui has once again broken through all her walls with nothing more than a whisper. Tsukushi closes her eyes. Forgive me, Tsukasa, she says silently, as she leans into Rui's touch, and allows herself to just feel.

He senses her acquiescence immediately. He spins her around to face him, and looks at her with those eyes that see far too much and say nothing, his hand cupping her cheek, and she gazes back, trying her best not to waver. How can she refuse him anything when he looks at her like that? She remembers the coldness of her skin when she walked into his room a while ago, and how she had wanted so badly to have him hold her then.

She closes her eyes a moment before his lips touches hers. Tonight, she will let herself go, consequences be damned. Tonight, she will give Rui what he wants, and she will learn to want it. Tonight, she will not think of Tsukasa.

Tonight, Rui tastes of milk tea, desperation, and the barest trace of hope.

She isn't surprised when the feeling just seems right. Still kissing her, Rui takes her hands in his and leads her towards the bed, and pushes her down gently. Tsukushi shudders involuntarily, as Rui kneels on either side of her legs and leans over to kiss her again.

She tells herself that Rui isn't dangerous, this will be nothing more than a memory, a granted wish, a secret and it'll be over tomorrow.

She reminds herself of this when she nigh-on drowns in a sea of pleasure, as Rui's hands and lips roam her body. Before she knows it, Rui is on top of her, his hips rocking against her thigh, letting her know how much he wanted her. Before she knows it, she is touching him back, shyly touching the tip of her tongue on Rui's adam's apple and liking what she heard. Before she knows it, their clothes are strewn across the bare floor of her room, and Rui was mouthing "Tsukushi" against the curve of her breast, her fingers tangled in his hair.

When he pushes himself inside her for the first time, she lets out a breath- it hurt a little but oh, how she wanted and Rui does not disappoint.

She doesn't know how much time has passed, but it doesn't matter. She comes, and for a few blissful moments, she forgets.

xoxoxoxo

Hours later, as they lay tangled in her bed, sweat cooling on their bodies, Rui whispers "I love you," hoping that Tsukushi would hear him and believe.

xoxoxoxo

She hears Rui say "I love you" and though her heart is weighed down with guilt, she feels herself smile.

xoxoxoxo

Dawn comes, and the last of Rui's euphoria dies. Involuntarily, he pulls Tsukushi closer to him, trying to hold on to her as long as he possibly can. This is it, he asked for this, he ruined his chances for the last time.

At least I had her first, he tries to console himself, but that truth offers little comfort when he knows that in the end, he'll still end up alone.

Slowly, Tsukushi stirs awake, her eyelashes fluttering against his chest. He tries to think of the proper words to say.

He realizes there aren't any. So he simply says, "Good morning."

Tsukushi yawns. "G'morning," she answers groggily.

He takes in the sight of her in the mild morning light, takes in the way the sun highlights her hair with drops of gold, and brightens the blush of her cheeks. Tsukushi isn't beautiful by any common standard of beauty, but her smile is a precious thing and her laugh brightens up his day. He can't help but fall in love.

But he has to let go now. He tries not to think of what could've been, as he slowly sits up. "I should leave soon, the others might get suspicious," he says, immediately hating how hollow his voice sounded.

Instead of jumping out of bed and worrying, Tsukushi just snuggles closer to him. "Five more minutes."

Her words surprise him, although in a pleasant way. He has expected her to start crying or kick him off the bed and run to the bathroom but fate is kind to him today, it would seem.

He lies down again, and Tsukushi rests her head on his chest. "Rui…" she starts hesitantly. "I have a confession."

"… You're not secretly a transexual are you?" Rui deadpans. He is trying to diffuse the tension in the air, and other than his left bicep suffering severe punishment from Tsukushi's righteous fist, he succeeds.

"Haha. And if I am, what are you going to do about it?"

"Find a secluded corner and try to kill myself with sheer mental will."

"Oh, you're hilarious." Her expression is stern, but her eyes belie her amusement. "Seriously though, listen."

He smiles, genuinely delighted by her reaction. "Alright, what's up?"

She takes a deep breath. "I know I shouldn't say this, but… "

"But…?"

"But I don't want this to end yet."

Shock robs him of speech, and for a fleeting moment, Rui wonders if he's still dreaming; perhaps he hasn't gotten out of bed yet, and this is the part where the alarm will ring because alarms always go off during the best parts.

But no, the moment is real, and more importantly, it hasn't ended yet.

Tsukushi seems to have mistaken his silence for disapproval because she hurriedly babbles, "I know, I know, I'm sorry, you probably think it's weird and everything and this is the first time I actually slept with anybody and I already feel like such a slut." She bites her lip, and tightens her arms around herself. "But I can't help it, I'm so confused. I don't know how I feel anymore. I… I'm sorry if it's not what you expected to hear."

She has no idea how utterly wrong she is. Every word spilling out of her mouth only adds fuel to a hope he has no right to harbor. Tsukushi has spoken dangerous words.

And this time, he cannot find it in his tired heart to give her up anymore. He knows he is getting greedy and that Tsukushi can only give so much, but he has gone this far, and there is no better time than now to see how much more he can get away with. So he steels his heart, ignores his conscience and says, "It doesn't have to end."

Tsukushi looks stunned, and torn at the same time. And rightfully so; she probably never expected those words to come from him. "But… I have Tsukusa. And I shouldn't be with you."

He shrugs, and looks her in the eye. "It doesn't have to be permanent then." It is incredibly low of him to take advantage of his influence over her, but he is beyond caring. Opportunity is knocking once again, and this time, he will not let such flimsy things as morals stop him from opening that door.

Tsukushi bites her lip. "That would be so unfair to you."

He won't be deterred. Not anymore. Ever so slightly, he brushes his lips against her ear. "Let me decide how I'd feel about it." He is pushing her, chipping away at the fragile walls she has built around herself, piercing through the stubborn love she has for his best friend. He knows it's wishful thinking, but maybe if he pushes hard enough, she might love him too.

She is trembling when she looks back at him, so scared and so terribly naïve. "… Can you keep a secret?"

He doesn't allow himself a triumphant smile, but there is a song in his soul that vaguely sounds like hope.

xoxoxoxo

This is wrong. Nothing good will come out of this.

But it's hard to think about the lines that should not be crossed, when Rui treats her body like a vibrant piece of art- his hands press the hard lines of muscle down to soft curves; his tongue swirls patterns on her skin, leaving trails of heat cooling between her thighs. When he makes her come, her spine arches like the taut strings of his violin.

Weeks pass, and then months. She realizes it has become a habit when Rui doesn't need to push himself inside anymore; rather, he slides in, smooth and familiar.

She never expected it to go for so long, but she cannot stop, even as guilt relentlessly gnaws on her heart. She doesn't think she ever wants to either.

xoxoxoxo

Rui knows that guilt will catch up to Tsukushi soon, and guilt is something Tsukushi never wears well. She suddenly stops, and her hands, which have just finished unbuckling Rui's belt, abruptly push him away.

She sits up, head bowed, her hand clutching fistfuls of her hair. "I'm a horrible horrible person," she says, her voice on the verge of breaking. "Why do you let me do this?"

Rui's reply is simple. "Because I want you to."

She turns away. "I love Tsukasa." She says this with too much conviction, as if she'd be found lying otherwise.

He wants to answer "Then why are you with me?" but he stays his tongue. Instead, he simply says, "I know that." Unlike Tsukushi, Rui is familiar with guilt, so much that he can make it so that it slides off him, like oil on skin. He isn't proud of it, but pride isn't something he cares much about either. So it doesn't faze him in the slightest to hug her loosely from behind, and say, "I'm willing to keep doing this until he comes back."

She is already starting to cry, her shoulders shaking, and instinctively, Rui tightens his hold around her. "I don't understand," she says, covering her face with her hands. "How can you let me use you like this?" Despite herself, she lets Rui hold her. He takes some satisfaction over the fact that even after all the things they've done, his ability to comfort her overrides everything else.

With his arms still wrapped around her quaking frame, he replies with, "I want this. He's gone for four years, and I'm still here. Use me, I don't care." His words surprise him, and he realizes just how low he has sunk. He cannot help it; he loves one woman like an addictive habit. He knows this will end in grief, but he'll take what he can get. So he continues, "I'll be careful. He won't find out- no one will find out unless you choose to say so. When he comes back, you can go back to him. I won't try to get in your way. "

In his mind, the words he really wants to say remain unspoken. Just give me these four years without him. Give me something to pretend a happy ending with.

Tsukushi is silent for a long while. "It's not right."

"I never said it was. I just said it's what I want." He is astounded at the temerity of his assertions; he doesn't know when he has stopped being rational and became downright insane. Is this the feeling of truly fighting for the one you love? Knowing you are wrong, and doing nothing to stop it?

"… Do you realize how selfish that sounds?" Before Rui could reply however, Tsukushi lets out a frustrated cry, and buries her face in her hands. "Fuck, who am I to call you selfish? I'm sorry."

"Tsukushi…" Rui hands reach up to grasp gently at her wrists. "I love you." He knows saying it again won't make anything better, but when one has run out of reasons, one can only fall back on the truth.

Tsukushi doesn't say it back, and while that hurt a little, it's something he has learned to accept. Instead, she asks, "Will it make you happy?"

Getting what one wants and being happy are two different things. Still, he doesn't know if he's lying when he says, "Yes."

xoxoxoxo

Tsukushi is starting to feel less and less guilty every time she returns from a tryst with Rui, and this frightens her more than the fact that her betrayal is beyond redemption. She is damned, unable to stay away from the man whose touch could make her crumble easily, like paper on water, pulling her deeper and deeper until she could no longer get away.

She knows it is unfair, to let Rui love her knowing Tsukasa will come to claim her one day, but she just cannot find the strength to leave. Fate has never been kind to her; fate either gives her too much or too little, and finding the right balance has been her lifelong task. She doesn't think she ever succeeded in that regard.

She doesn't know how she manages to answer Tsukasa's calls in the evening, talk and yell at each other, and while the scent of Rui still clings to her skin. She doesn't know how she can lie so easily, telling Tsukasa she is tired because she has been keeping late nights at work and the library, when it is the memory of Rui's kiss that makes her attention waver.

She asks herself why she just can't stop, why can't Rui just stay as a secret she must keep. She can't love him, she already loves Tsukasa, and there should be room in her heart for only one of them.

xoxoxoxo

Rui is perfectly aware of the moral boundaries he has breached; he knows that he is nothing more than a common thief, stealing Tsukushi from Tsukasa. No, he is worse- most thieves steal from strangers while he has stolen from his best friend, a person he has known for twenty years.

But he also knows that true love always requires driving something to the very end, and that there is such thing as too much sacrifice. This time, he isn't about to step back and let this chance pass him by, especially if that chance is all he is ever going to get. Between four years and none, he will settle for the former; between Tsukasa's wrath and the pain of not ever knowing what it would feel like to taste Tsukushi's love, he'll choose the former anytime.

He wonders how morals are judged- doing the right thing has only ever brought him rejection and pain; he isn't sure what kind of moral good there is to always being the one to give up happiness.

He has managed to steal four years of Tsukushi's affections without Tsukasa ever suspecting anything, a feat rife with unspeakable consequences; a feat only someone as careful and insane as him can pull off.

But his ambitions have to end somewhere, and he realizes that his act of thievery is but a mere laughable effort, when in the end, he still has to succumb to the best thief of all: time.

xoxoxoxo

Her heart skips a little whenever Rui gives her a lily, a piece of chocolate, or a random interesting bauble that he picked up somewhere, and she stubbornly clings to the thought that Rui, for all the happiness he brings her, is only temporary.

xoxoxoxo

He can see it in her eyes, the way she is steadily distracted by the calendar on his bedside table; how she would hesitate just a bit before relaxing against him.

Her kisses are already beginning to taste like goodbye.

xoxoxoxo

The end of four years has finally come to an end.

"He's coming back tomorrow," she whispers against his collarbone.

Rui doesn't stiffen against her like she expects; instead, he hugs her closer to him. "Well then, time for you to put your sexual skills to the test," he says lightly, as if this isn't the last time they'll ever lie in the same bed together. "I daresay you've had enough practice."

"Rui..."

"You'll make a man out of him yet."

She pushes him away. "Stop joking around."

Rui sighs. "I'm sorry."

She takes a deep breath and looks him squarely in the eye. "This is the end of this," she tells him, her voice steady even as her heart is breaking. "We can't do this anymore."

A painful smile graces Rui's thin lips, and guilt claws inside her gut. "I know," he admits, looking away. "I asked for this. It was borrowed time, but it was time well spent with you." His eyes betray his sadness, but he is smiling when he says, "I regret nothing."

For a fleeting moment, she is suffused with the urge to renege on her words, to tell him, I can't ever leave you, I need you, this isn't how I want things to end. But she fights it. Rui had his time, now she has to go back to the one she made promises with.

She nods, almost woodenly. "Alright then. I'll be leaving now."

She will be miserable, of that there could be no doubt, but she supposes this is just karmic justice for what she's done. With a heavy heart, she leaves the bed and starts dressing. Little by little, she covers the tracks of her betrayal, rumpled shirt slipping over the flushed skin of her chest, worn skirt sliding up the damp spot between her legs. She reminds herself to take a long shower later.

Rui watches her, saying nothing. His expression is unreadable, even at goodbye. Perhaps it's just as well, there's nothing left to say. And if there is, it's too late.

She is about to head out the door, when Rui finally speaks.

"Over the years… have you ever learned to love me?"

Tsukushi closes her eyes to stave off the tears. She will not cry. Though this question has always plagued her, deep down, she already knows the answer. She cannot bring herself to lie, but telling the truth would be just as painful.

"Maybe," she finally says. Then she walks out the door, and doesn't look back.

xoxoxoxo

Rui watches Tsukushi walk away from him, and it hurts; it hurts a fucking lot, like a piece of his soul has been violently ripped from him, and while he thinks to himself that it's over, truly over, her last word would not let the feeble flame of hope inside him die.

xoxoxoxo

They are gathered in the airport, awaiting Tsukasa's arrival. Soujiroh and Akira notice the trembling of her hands, and jokes about how it means she's just itching to jump Tsukasa's bones.

Even as she yells at them about being filthy-minded perverts, she cannot stop herself from shaking. Ironically, it is Rui who finally calms her down- he takes her hands in his, and tells her "You can do this. You've waited 4 years after all."

Tsukushi looks at him, unsure of what to feel. She finds it so surreal that they are actually talking like this, like there isn't four years worth of secrets between them. She remembers what Rui asked last night, remembers what she confessed. "Rui I—"

"-Oi, you guys better stop holding hands, before Tsukasa's simple brain jumps to conclusions."

The irony of Akira's statement almost makes her cringe. She reluctantly releases Rui's hands. Her own hands are no longer shaking, but they feel far too heavy, like they don't belong to her anymore.

"And… there he is!" Soujiro shouts, waving madly. "Tsukasa, over here!"

Tsukushi turns around and spots Tsukasa immediately in the crowd of outgoing passengers. Her heart flutters, almost reflexively, though it is followed quickly by a dull ache. She takes a deep breath and shoots Rui a look, as if to say "I'm sorry."

Rui just smiles and says, "Go."

She turns, and runs towards the arms of the man who waited four years to hold her.

xoxoxoxo

Tsukasa's coming home celebration is surprisingly low-key. It consists of drinks, the F4 game room, the F4, and of course, Tsukushi.

Rui notices that Tsukasa hardly ever leaves Tsukushi's side, as if trying to make up for his absence. Tsukushi doesn't seem to mind this- in fact the look on her face is something akin to wonder, almost as if she can't believe that Tsukasa is finally here. He doesn't fail to notice that Tsukushi is carefully avoiding his gaze either. It's nothing he hasn't expected.

Tsukasa whispers something in Tsukushi's ear, and she breaks into a fiery blush.

Jealousy is not an unfamiliar feeling to Rui. Like guilt, he has felt it far too many times not to get used to it, and like pride, it isn't something he cares enough about. Usually.

Tonight though, as he watches Tsukasa wrap an arm around Tsukushi's shoulders, watches as Tsukushi laughs and smiles fondly at him, watches as Tsukasa looks at Tsukushi with pure unbridled adoration in his eyes, the jealousy that has forever been latent, boils to a rising pitch.

The jealousy flares up even more, when Tsukasa briefly turns to him and smiles smugly, almost as if saying "I'm so glad she's my girl in the end."

He cannot tell anymore if Tsukushi is being sincere around Tsukasa, but maybe it's for the best that he pretends.

"Tsukushi's getting tired." Even when piss drunk, the glee in Soujiro's eyes is hard to miss.. "Tsukasa, be a good boyfriend and take her in her room. I mean, to. To her room. Or yours, I really don't care where, just go forth and multi—" He yelps, when Tsukushi throws a bottle cap at him, looking thunderous and Rui secretly feels vindicated. Akira just laughs, and Tsukasa, as usual looks confused.

"I don't know what the hell that was all about, but I think we should call it a night," Tsukasa says, checking his watch. There are no objections, though everyone throws Tsukushi a pointed glance- Soujiro with a good-natured leer, Akira with an encouraging wink, and Tsukasa with a mixture of impatience and nervousness.

As for Rui, he simply meets Tsukushi's eyes for the first time that evening, before he turns around and leaves.

xoxoxoxo

Tsukasa doesn't fuck like Rui at all. Where Rui was slow and reassuring, Tsukasa likes it fast and forceful. Rui's hips are almost hypnotic in its steady rocking motions, Tsukasa's hips slam against hers, trusting her to take his weight.

Rui never leaves marks either, Tsukasa loves making them. She has tried to teach Tsukasa what Rui has taught her, but she cannot seem to find release even with all of Tsukasa's efforts to please. She tells herself that it is unfair, Tsukasa is new to this, so terribly inexperienced, and she has no right to criticize him when all he has done is be faithful.

She is surprised at the number of times she has to remind herself that, even though she loves Tsukasa still, he isn't Rui.

xoxoxoxo

Rui joins Akira and Soujiro one night, in one of their usual haunts, a dance club catering to high society and its whores. He tinkers with his drink, observing Soujiro and Akira as they work their magic on these tricked-up ladies of the night. The strobe lights and the thick stench of cigarette smoke hurts his eyes, and he closes them, wishing that forgetting doesn't have to be as hard as this.

"Rui, this is Fujiwara Akiko," Akira introduces a slender, beautiful woman, with dark wavy hair. "She's a doctor." He throws him a significant look. "Her fiance's out of the country for a few months."

Rui forces a smile, takes a sip of his drink and looks this strange woman in the eye. "What's up, doc?" he says, giving her a lazy smile. Akira rolls his eyes at his lame line, but Akiko doesn't seem to mind.

She flashes him a bright smile. "Nothing much, just out to have some fun," she answers demurely. Her voice is smooth like velvet, subtly seductive and well-practiced. "I've never seen you around here."

He shrugs. He knows where this is leading to, and though part of him is disgusted with even entertaining the idea, a larger part of him is desperate for a distraction. "I was feeling a bit lonely tonight."

"Loneliness huh?" The young doctor looks at him from under smoky, half-lidded eyes, and runs a finger around the rim of her glass. "I can cure that."

Too easy, is Rui's immediate thought, but easy isn't something he should be complaining about. So he downs the last of his drink. He has had enough of this place, and though he hates himself for what he's about to do, anything is better than staying here, where the very air hurts his eyes, and where he could do nothing but regret the choices he made. "Let's go then," he says, grabbing the woman's hand, ignoring the gobsmacked looks on Akira and Soujiro's faces. He waves at them carelessly, throws money on the table and leads Akiko out.

He thinks it's easier to forget this way.

He takes her to a hotel, and she eagerly disrobes for him as soon as they step into their room. Rui takes a moment to try and appreciate her perfect skin, her delicate curves, her large, perky breasts. Immediately, even though he tries to fight it, he remembers the scattered scars on Tsukushi's pale skin, and how each of them has its own story. She never tried to hide them, the marks of her struggles, and Rui wouldn't have it otherwise. To him, they are the most beautiful imperfections in the world.

He looks back again at Akiko's body, and realizes how undesirable it is.

He has always been a strange man, and Tsukushi has warped him even more. He now looks for flaws while others would gladly settle for perfection.

Excusing himself, he heads to the bathroom and closes the door. His skin reeks of cigarette smoke, and his hair is mussed up with sweat. He splashes his face with water and looks at himself in the mirror- sees the dark circles under his eyes, the slight stubble forming on his chin. He doesn't recognize himself.

"Rui, aren't you coming?"

He pastes a smile on his face and walks out. "I'm sorry. I don't have protection- do you mind if I step out to get some?"

Akiko pouts prettily. "Alright, but hurry up."

He bows slightly, and heads out. He finds it ironic that just the thought of having sex with a stranger fills him with so much shame and guilt, when sleeping with his best friend's girl had only ever made him happy. Where have his morals gone? Down, and away like the alcohol churning in his stomach. He's wrong; he can't ever forget. Tsukushi has already ruined him for other women, and he can't fight it, can't change it, can't erase one sin by engaging in another.

He climbs into his car, calls Akira to apologize, and heads home.

xoxoxoxo

Tsukasa finally pops the question she had been dreading since his return. "Will you marry me?" he asks, his eyes looking so earnest and his smile ever so confident. He hasn't changed at all.

A pause, and she smiles, valiantly trying to match the sincerity in his eyes, even as her mind reels back to the memory of Rui's soft voice saying "I love you."

For the briefest of moments, she hates. She hates herself for the position she is in now, hates Tsukasa for leaving her here for four years, hates Rui for being the not-entirely-unwanted wedge between her and Tsukasa. She hates how complicated their lives have become, and how sometimes she wishes that they never met each other.

In the end, she says yes, though she doesn't know if it is guilt or love or even hate that drove her to say so.

Tsukasa's smile is dazzling, every inch of him bursting with happiness, and it kills her; the weight of her deceit pressing down on her shoulders, almost too much to bear. She can't hurt him; she will not, even if it means spinning this web of lies again and again.

She tries her hardest not to cry when he slips the ring on her finger, and holds her hand up to the light.

In the wake of the dying fire, the platinum ring and its brilliant white gem gleams orange.

xoxoxoxo

On the day Tsukasa announces his and Tsukushi's official engagement, Rui smiles, bids him congratulations, then quietly goes home and locks himself in his room.

He picks up his violin, and plays. Every note is perfect, the melody flowing through the air like smooth silk, the taut strings vibrating beautifully over that perfect arch, like the way Tsukushi's spine curves when she-

He stops playing immediately, and throws the violin on the bed.

He cradles his head in his hands, as he finally discovers that his music no longer gives him joy.

xoxoxoxo

On the night before her wedding, Tsukushi finds herself knocking on Rui's door.

Rui doesn't say, "Hey, it's good to see you." He doesn't say, "How are you?" He doesn't even say, "What are you doing here?"

Instead, he smiles, like nothing is wrong (and the very fact that she is here and not by her future husband's side is wrong on so many levels), and says, "Welcome back."

She steps inside (knowing she should turn tail and run away) and Rui shuts the door behind them.

She knows that this won't be the last time.

o- Fin -o

A/N: Reviews are greatly appreciated. :D

This fic was inspired by the song Fate, by Bleak and Ana Johansson. I've read RxT fanfiction that deal with affairs- reactions to an affair, discovery of an affair, aftermath of the affair, but nothing telling the affair itself. So this is it. Additionally, I tried to do something different for this pairing, something less rosy, and a bit twisted. A lot of RxT fics have a tendency to portray Doumyouji as a bad / abusive boyfriend, and while I don't have problems with that kind of plot device to get Rui and Tsukushi together, I do feel that Doumyouji needs to be cut some slack sometimes. Just because Rui is the crying shoulder doesn't mean he can't be a douchebag. Similarly, just because Makino is a weed, it doesn't mean she can't cave in.