Summary: Ever since he was a child, Hisoka has built walls around himself in order to protect himself, but what happens when somebody unexpectedly slips through his barriers? Hisoka's thoughts about first meeting Tsuzuki.

Rating: K+

Genre: Angst/Hurt/Comfort

Character: Hisoka Kurosaki

Words: 1,737

Author's Note: This was originally written as a songfic, but since songfics are not allowed, I've rewritten it so that no lyrics are included and the story is entirely my own (other than the obvious fact I do not own Yami no Matsuei or its characters). Inspired by the song "Afraid This Time" by Celldweller.

Even at a young age, Hisoka had learned to build walls around himself. It was necessary if he wanted to keep any scrap of emotional and mental health. Since the first time his mother realized he had strong empathetic abilities, she shunned him. She had called him names, made him feel like he was some freak of nature, constantly asking aloud why she couldn't have had a normal child.

Normal. Just what was normal? She called him a monster, but she was no human being herself. Surely even monsters loved their children? They didn't lock their own flesh and blood up in an underground cell for being who they were. She didn't acknowledge his abilities as a gift, as something special about him that mad him unique. No, instead she treated him like some object, tossing him aside whenever he didn't act as she wanted him to. This woman claimed to be a mother, but only took on the responsibility of that title as far as giving birth to him, something that she seemed to regret later.

As a result, Hisoka had no choice but to distance himself. There was always a barrier between him and the rest of the world. It lessened the hurt. He learned it helped to be cold. If he acted like he didn't care, people didn't bother with him. If people didn't bother with him, then they couldn't hurt him. He didn't make connections with anyone. It hurt far less to be shunned if he wasn't close to the person to begin with.

Though, the cold exterior was just another barrier; a shell to protect the soft, vulnerable part of him. Despite how he had been treated, he did care about people. That was probably a result of being an Empath. Feeling when other people were in pain would make one want to do something to help. It was a natural reaction Hisoka had to suppress. Why help somebody that was only going to hurt him in return? It was far easier to just stay away from people altogether. His cold shell protected him from the people he did make contact with.

Love. Now there was a foreign emotion. Hisoka knew the word, he knew what it meant by definition, but he never felt it. He didn't feel it when his mother was around his father. Their relationship was complicated. His father only seemed to feel sorrow around his mother, and his mother...well, he just tried not to sense her at all. When they were all together, he withdrew his senses to the best of his abilities. The air was too thick otherwise, it made it hard to breathe. He never felt anybody's love towards him either. His mother only scorned him, and his father always had some sad sense about him.

Hisoka could remember one time as a child when he sensed what he had labeled as love. It had been one of those few times his parents let him outside. His mother had wanted to leave him home, but his father insisted on bringing him along. They were going shopping, and Hisoka needed some new clothes too. His father at least was nice enough to let him pick out his own stuff. As they were walking down the sidewalk, a young man and woman holding hands were walking behind them along with a little girl. They were all laughing with each other. The motion they gave off had been so warm. They were having fun, just happy to be around one another. Hisoka had unconsciously slowed his step and drifted back near them. It was so much more inviting than the coldness his mother gave off and more tolerable than the sorrow emanating from his father.

When they got home, Hisoka was locked in the basement.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I don't let anybody get close to me. Not physically, and most certainly not emotionally. They can try all they want (not that anybody would really care to try anyway), but they won't get far. It's easy locking people out now; I've done it my whole life. Heh, sounds strange saying that now that I'm dead.

Apparently, Shinigami have to work in partners. Figures. I'd rather work alone. I'm not going to argue though. It shouldn't be too hard keeping things strictly business. I'll work with my partner when I have to, the rest of the time I can keep to myself.

The only problem is who they paired me with.

Tsuzuki is not what I was expecting when I was told I had to work with him. The guy is lazy, immature, and irresponsible. It's no wonder he doesn't have a partner, nobody wants to work with a person like that. Though, as much as it angers me that I'm stuck with him, it might not be so bad after all. I can probably get all the work done by myself and not have to deal with him. That, and he probably won't care to pay much attention to me, so I can work at my own agenda. Tsuzuki seems gullible. It shouldn't be too hard to find out who killed me.

Tsuzuki doesn't like my attitude. He was pissed when I didn't meet up with him like we planned. His anger hurt. Don't get me wrong, it's not because I care, but because he had to grab my shoulders. Physical contact increases the strength of the other person's emotions that I can feel. Strong emotions can shake me up, and anger really hits hard. I told him this, and told him to stay away. He's convinced I hate him. That's not really true, hate is such a strong word, and he doesn't fall quite so far down as the people I can say I actually do hate. I don't particularly care for him, but I wouldn't say I hate him. Well, whatever. If he thinks I hate him, it will be easier to keep him distant.

Go ahead, Tsuzuki, leave. Break the partnership. It won't hurt me anymore than I've already been hurt.

I want to push him away. Let him keep thinking I hate him. I want him to hate me. I want him to leave.

...Don't I?

I've never been more confused than I am now. I thought I wanted him to break the partnership. The sooner, the better. And yet, I'm finding it hard to say that. It's not hard to tell him that he can break it if he wants, but I can't tell him that it's what I want. For the first time, I don't believe myself when I say it wouldn't hurt for Tsuzuki to cancel our partnership. I don't know what happened, but he's cracked the walls I've built up for so long.

And I'm afraid.

I'm afraid to be hurt in the end. Nobody has ever cared about me before, so why should this time be any different? Why is Tsuzuki able to slip through when nobody else has?

There's something about him. I'm not sure what it is, but I can't keep him away. He isn't like everyone else. It's not like all of the other times I've locked people out. This time, I can't lock Tsuzuki out. He broke the walls down easier than it was for me to put them up in the first place. Is this what it really feels like to have a true friend? To know somebody is there for you?

This time, somebody is fighting for me.

I was kidnapped. Kidnapped by the one who originally killed me, no less. I was sure it was the end for me. Killed by the same guy twice. Talk about irony. Though, that wasn't nearly the strange part. No, what was strange was when my thoughts kept wandering back to Tsuzuki. He's treated me so nicely despite the fact I've been cold to him. What was even more surprising than that was the fact he actually came to help me. It was so obviously a trap. Muraki was using me just to draw Tsuzuki out, and, fully knowing that, Tsuzuki came anyway. He even went so far as to protect me while he and Muraki fought. He shielded me. With his own body. The wound was severe, but he didn't regret it in the least. That's when he asked to borrow my power. My first instinct was to pull away, since I was synchronized with his pain via my empathy, but I made no move to do so. I couldn't, not after he had protected me. Lending him my power was the least I could do, even if it did exhaust me, so I did. Tsuzuki beat Muraki.

When I asked Tsuzuki why he would bother to protect me, why he even cared, all he said was that it was because we are partners.

This time, somebody sincerely cares.

It's easy to lock people out when they don't care. Some try to get to be your friend, but give up once their realize they have to work at it or find that you just don't want to be friends. When the person is willing to work at it, however, it becomes much harder. Tsuzuki is all too willing to work at it. I'm finding it impossible to force out a person who wants to be there.

Strangely enough, I think I want Tsuzuki to break through. The fear is still there, but there's also something else. A desire, perhaps? Nobody has cared about me before, as family, as a friend, as a human being...nothing. I can't help but think it would feel nice to be loved. Any kind would do, just a simple friendship is enough. Something to let me know somebody cares. I want to be able to feel what those other people feel.

I've come to enjoy being around Tsuzuki, even if I don't show it. Everyone in the Shokan Division is nice, I enjoy all their company, but I like Tsuzuki's the most.

There is still a fear my hopes will be crushed, my trust will be betrayed, my love will be denied. But it's all there. And I'm giving it to you, Tsuzuki. I might not admit it, but you know. You can read me all too easily. You've already broken through, so please...as a partner, as a friend, as a sort of brother, whatever more you think of me...

Don't leave me, please...

Tsuzuki...