Chapter Name: You Can't Always Get What You Want

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Spencer had been on his way back by plane and arrived early that morning shortly after. Whilst Carly and Spencer went grocery shopping, Sam went over to the Benson apartment, and picked the lock. She went in, made her way to the door of Freddie's bedroom, and found it locked. Sam could hear Freddie making noise inside his room, and so gave him a warning.

"You better not be jerking off to a picture of Carly in there Benson, you have 10 seconds to get decent, then I'm coming in there to get you." Sam jiggled the handle a few times to emphasis her point.

"Fuck off Sam, I'm not in the mood for your shit. And if I want to jerk off in the privacy of my own room, I fucking WILL! And if it's Carly? So fucking what? You never stop reminding me it's as close as I'm going to get, so FUCK YOU!" Sam pounded on a door a few more times, Freddie knew he was probably in for a fight regardless, for what he didn't know or care, just that her tone of voice indicated her anger, so he might as well yell at her first.

Freddie wasn't doing anything that required an effort to become 'decent' he was just tapping away on his computer, coding for the iCarly site. He knew what was about to happen, so was in the process of saving everything, when Sam burst in the door.

Sam grabbed the laptop, shut the top and flung it onto his bed, ripping the cord out of the power socket. It didn't really matter, the internal battery would keep it on for hours, but it was more a statement of intent than anything

"What the fuck is your problem Puckett?" Freddie stood up, staring down at the blonde haired girl, who whilst short in stature, was large in presence.

Sam spoke through gritted teeth, "I'm here to talk."

"About what, how I'm a loser, how no-one will ever love me, how my mother is crazy, save it, because I've heard it all before." Freddie didn't want yet another Puckett motivational speech.

"I'm not going to talk about that shit. Even if you are a loser that no-one will love with a crazy-ass mother. I'm talking about Carly."

"You won. I lost. Sam Puckett always plays to win, Fredward Benson always loses. What's to talk about?" Freddie jabbed Sam in the chest, just below her neck, rocking Sam back on her heels for a moment.

"You never had a chance with her anyway dork, same as before. Same now. You can't lose something you never had."

Freddie was exasperated, he muttered under his breath, "You'll never understand."

"Why do you care so much? Why have you flipped out about this? It's not like Carly wasn't with other people before me. What was so special about me that caused you to go nuts and turn into a pale imitation of me?"

"Taking a fucking guess. It's not that hard."

Sam just stood there, her shoulders shrugged. Freddie just sighed.

"You were supposed to be my friend. Now think about what friends aren't supposed to do to other friends? Fuck, with the way you treat me, I don't even know why I still consider you a friend." Freddie rolled over to lay down on his bed, after moving his laptop back onto the floor.

"I'm not following."

"I could tell this to Jeremy, to Shane, to Gibby, hell, even Jonah would understand what I'm saying."

"Just spit it out Fredweird."

"Friends don't call their friends losers, no-hopers and all that other shit and mean it." Sam was shocked, she had never really thought Freddie had taken that to heart, it was to her, always part of their game, their fun, so they could both let off some steam by attacking each other rather than Carly, or their mothers, or Spencer or someone else.

"What the fuck? I don't mean all that shit Benson."

Freddie just stared back, with an 'are you fucking kidding?' look on his face.

"You really think I did? That I meant that stuff, to the guy who has my back now, even when he wanted to run off with some chick, oh thanks by the way for staying at Rodney's party, I had to get Carly to pick me up."

"You could have fooled me. I thought you were staying with Rodney."

"You remember when we fought those football jerks together?" Sam and Freddie were together at a party one night, when some footballers from Ridgeway's biggest rivals showed up, the leader, the QB, had grabbed Sam's ass and tried to kiss her, Freddie ran over and punched the guy in the face before Sam had a chance to teach him a lesson, and they started a wild fight.

"Yeah, I was just angry about what he did to you."

"You broke that guy's wrist, and we won the game that week against them. I bet their coach was pissed when he found out why their Quarterback had a snapped wrist, their Tight End had a cracked rib, and their middle Linebacker broke his arm and all 3 were going to miss the game. You were awesome, you beat the shit out of that asshole."

"Well, you did fight 2 of them at once."

"We did it together. Now, tell me Benson, is that stuff I say really the problem? You never really had much of an issue with it when we were younger."

"Look, it's part of the problem." Sam could understand that, thinking to herself that maybe she'd been taking it too far when she was talking about Carly.

"Okay, what's the other part?"

"Carly."

"What about Carly?" Sam knew from what Carly had told her the night before what was probably on his mind, but needed to hear it from him before she could do anything about it.

"Why didn't you tell me? You hid it from me. Carly wanted to tell me, and you made her hide it."

"Who cares? You found out eventually."

"Yeah, walking in on my two best friends making out in the studio is by far the best way to find out about their relationship."

"Fucking spit it out Freddork. Why did that moment fuck you up so badly you started acting like you have been lately? The girls, the booze, the fighting. You are starting fights with guys bigger and stronger than you even when I'm not there, and sometimes you get your ass kicked, you are lucky you haven't broken any bones. What on earth possessed you to start.. acting like me?" Sam was right up in his face now, she was demanding an answer.

Freddie softly replied back, "Carly never told you did she?"

"Told me what?"

"I guess I should thank her for that, I can only imagine just how you would have acted if you knew."

"Knew WHAT? Tell me Benson. Now." Now was delivered strongly, a tone that implied no more chances, no more time wasting, that if Freddie didn't answer just as she asked, there would be pain until he did.

"I swear to god, if you use this against me, I'm done. Finished. I'll go jump off the roof."

Sam rolled her eyes, she was doing that an awful lot lately. Maybe it comes with deflection via humor. "Fine." After she'd finished rolling her eyes, the look Sam had in her eyes when they met with Freddie wasn't flippant, it wasn't a 'I'm just saying this to get you to tell me', it was a promise, and agreement.

"I told her I loved her." Freddie stared up at the ceiling.

"You've told her you loved her since you were 12 years old."

"I stopped. I knew it was creeping her out. That wasn't even love anyway."

"Okay, so why is this a big secret."

"How long before I found out, did you get together with Carly." They both knew the answer. It was roughly a month.

"2 months before I found out, I told Carly I loved her. No crush, no infatuation, I was in love with Carly. I couldn't sleep without thinking of her, when she talked to me I felt alive, when she touched me I could live off that touch for a week, Carly makes me feel happy, made me forget the bad things, and when she wasn't there, I was sad, and when I did sleep, I dreamed of her. I still do sometimes." Freddie was back lying on the bed again, reliving the moment and the subsequent pain.

"What did Carly do?" Sam knew pretty much exactly what Freddie was talking about, it had taken all of her not inconsiderable courage to own up to Carly as well.

Freddie and closed his eyes, remembering. "You remember that Friday you left with your mother to visit Melanie? I wore a hole in the floor gathering my courage, before I asked Carly if we could talk, apparently Spencer went over to Socko's for the night, so I knew I had to tell her then. We were in the studio. When I told her, she walked over, we hugged longer than we ever had before, and she kissed me."

"Carly kissed you?" Sam was intrigued, Carly hadn't told her the story, and even though they were as close as any two people could be, Sam understood the reason. This wasn't her story to tell, it was Freddie's.

"On my cheek." Freddie's arm moved involuntarily, his hand reaching out to caress the spot Carly had kissed him. He left out revealing their 'near-kiss' for Sam's benefit.

"I could tell what her answer was going to be. It's kinda funny, we were sitting on the beanbag I caught her making out with you on." Freddie stifled a laugh, that was a very different kiss that time, before he went on," Carly held my hand, and wrapped her arms around me, so I knew we were still close, and we spoke softly. I knew what was coming, but she knew I needed to hear it. So she told me, in a round-a-bout way, considering we talked till after 4am, that she couldn't risk hurting me, losing me, that we had been friends too long to risk getting into a relationship. Friends too long." Freddie rolled the words around in his mouth, trying them in different ways in his head, seeing if he could make more sense of it.

Then Sam saw him smile, that trademark Benson smile, it was the smile she had not seen in months, that he gave when he was contented and happy, "We actually fell asleep in the studio, Carly still wrapped around me. When I woke up, she was still asleep. The first thing that hit me was the smell of her hair. When I opened my eyes, I was looking right at her, I could see her breathing, her body rising and falling, her mouth moving just so, Carly is beautiful you know. Those few moments before I remembered how we ended up there were some of the happiest in my life." The smile faded, just like it would have after those few moments in the studio.

"I still don't see what this has to do with me Benson." Freddie thought it was pretty clear, but by now there was no point in arguing.

Instead, Freddie just breathed in, and exhaled, "If it was because she couldn't risk our friendship, then why was she making out with you 2 months later?" Freddie reached up and jabbed his finger at Sam.

"You know why Samantha?" He added sarcastically. "Because it didn't have anything to do with friendships. You knew her before me. You were friends longer. It wasn't that. I just wasn't good enough. For whatever reason, and don't say because I'm a guy, that's bullshit, Carly doesn't like girls in general, just you. I can tell. I don't think she would have ever considered a girl whose name wasn't Samantha Puckett."

Now Freddie was up off the bed, sitting up, across from Sam in his chair. "I wasn't good enough for the girl I loved, that I followed unconditionally, that I never asked for anything in return, for my love, or my friendship. Do you know what that means Sam?"

"No?"

"Carly, who knows me better than anyone else knows me, my most inner secrets, my most intimate thoughts, rejected me. Spencer, Carly, my mother and other random people, they all say 'oh Freddie, just be yourself.' But now I know that I can't, or at least I think I can't. Because if 'being myself' isn't good enough for Carly, then I'll never be good enough for anyone, and I refuse to humiliate myself, and trick the other person, by faking it, or hiding parts of myself. You say it yourself, over and over, no-one will ever love me. So I haven't bothered trying. I've just been using them." Freddie just looked down, holding back, trying not to cry in front of Sam as he became racked with guilt and regret at his behavior.

"Now look Sam, this might sound like I'm blaming Carly. But I'm not."

"Okay?" If there was one thing Sam wasn't very good at, it was 'feelings'. Sam pretty much decided to just let him talk.

"For whatever reason, those rules, I wasn't good enough for her to break them. To force myself past those barriers. You were. There was something about you that caused Carly to break them all down, whilst I got left behind. I'm not blaming you either, I just wasn't good enough."

Sam wasn't expecting such a... confession, but essentially it was what she was here to do. To support Freddie, not to insult him, to call him those things. "Freddie, I don't really mean it when I say those things. I was just playing around."

"How can you not. I'm pathetic. I'm a loser. I use girls, take advantage of them. You were just telling me the truth, but my stupid brain wasn't able to comprehend it, or the fact Carly wouldn't want me."

"I am really sorry for that. I shouldn't have ever said that to you. I would normally never admit this, but if Carly had picked you over me, I wouldn't have minded. I know you would take better care of her than I will, and I know you love her just as much as I do."

"Well Carly didn't 'pick me', so it doesn't matter."

Sam shifted in her seat uncomfortably, "The more I think about it, and I thought about it against this morning, the more I realize that saying Carly would never love you was wrong.. I should've been telling you that someone else would."

Freddie laughed. Here was the girl who never let up on him, never gave him a moments peace without having to earn it, singing his apparent praises. "Carly must have said something for you to be talking to me like this, ya know, without vomiting or punching me."

Sam nodded a yes, "Carly does love you Freddie, but just not in the way you want."

"I just wish it wouldn't hurt as much."

"I know you will find a girl who really loves you, and you will love her back. It might take a while, but I promise, ask Wendy out, or maybe meet up with Melanie next time she comes down." Sam's eyes lit up, as usual when a plan was forming in her head, although this wasn't the time or place to propel it into action, and she quickly returned to the almost solemn topic of discussion already taking place. "I'm also sorry about telling you about what me and Carly do together."

"It wasn't about what you did, but about how you told me. It just reminded me what I wasn't ever going to have that. When you were telling me that stuff, it was like a weapon you were using against me. You can tell me, talk to me about that if you need someone to talk to, but please, if you do, just be happy when you tell me, or if it's about a fight, then want to help yourself. Carly's love should never be a weapon. It devalues her, and what you share together, what no-one, who am I kidding, what I'll never get to experience."

"I never really looked at it like that Benson. Looks like you are as smart as Carly says you are, even if I don't quite believe it myself right now. I should probably apologize to Carly as well after this. Wow, 2 apologies in one day. I think that's a Puckett family record. By the way, will you still come get drunk and fight with me?"

"I dunno, maybe, I'll have to ask Carly if it's cool, how bout this, I won't start any fights, but if we happen to get into any, I'll be right there beside you."

"Deal." They both laughed together.

Shortly after, Freddie turned serious again. "I guess I better promise to get over Carly." Freddie wondered to himself if that was even possible, if it could happen, if he'd ever stop comparing every single girl to Carly, an impossible comparison, because Carly was, in his eyes, perfect. Yet no-one ever is with continued exposure. Freddie would have to learn to deal with that.

"Why? I know you think it might be a phase, some college experimental shit come early, that maybe one day Carly will come to her senses and drop me."

"If it's a phase, I'll be there once it's over, and if it's not, I'll go to your commitment ceremony or whatever it is 2 chicks do these days." Freddie didn't even look like he believed what he was saying.

"You don't really think it's a phase do you?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I know your only real fear."

"And for my information, just what exactly is that?" Pfft. Sam Puckett didn't fear anything.

"You are terrified of losing Carly, and Melanie. Spencer too. Maybe even me." Freddie was terrified of losing Carly, Spencer, his mother, and yeah, even Sam. In different ways, they both let very sheltered lives, and had come to rely on a handful of people for support and just friendship.

"Don't flatter yourself nub." They both laughed, no matter the fights, the problems, both knew, that they both needed each other.

"You can't bear the thought of losing Carly. Because of that, I know you will do everything you can to keep her happy."

"Damn right I will."

"If you keep her happy, she will never leave you. I have this theory, I could never say no to Carly, and Carly can't say no to you."

"What about me?"

"By the way that triangle formed, you shouldn't be able to say no to me, but that clearly isn't the case. It's doesn't really matter in the end, Carly can't say no to you, and she never will if you keep her happy. You would go up against the entire world to keep Carly happy, both of us would, and so Carly will never leave you. Not now. Not ever."

"I'm actually touched by that Fredster, I didn't know you thought I was good inside, and yeah, I'll be good, to you, and to Carly, and if I'm good, I know Carly won't ever leave me, I won't let her, I won't let myself get to a stage that Carly would leave."

They sat there, just watching each other, thinking, for minutes, just as Sam was about to get up, Freddie spoke up one last time.

"Which is why Carly will never love me." That was the start of Freddie's new life. He was sad enough to cry, just a little, because most of his crying had been done in the weeks and months previously, but it was like a huge weight had lifted off his shoulders at the same time, Sam was watching that weight gone, washing over him like rain.

Sam opened her mouth, let out "Freddie... I..." but the words trailed off.

There was nothing left to say.

End.

AN: So there you have it. Finito. I hoped you enjoyed it, and please review, with any thoughts on the end of the story, I'll definitely reply to you.

Limstella: Thanks, the pairing is Cam, but the main part of the story, in my view, is Freddie and Sam, and how they have both changed, and how they both need to change some more, in the aftermath of a decision by Carly. C1 introduces the story, C2 shows Freddie's struggle to deal with Carly's rejection, C3 shows Carly struggling with her decision as well as opening Sam's eyes somewhat as to Freddie's problems.

C4, now that you have read it, is Sam helping Freddie start on the road to overcoming the problems that were shown in the previous chapters.