Author's Note: Well, my internet died. Completely and utterly destroyed. I've only just got it back, and it's been gone for months… But, I arrive with a gift. It's in the form of… MelloxNear, mostly one sided, and MelloxMatt. It's based on a lot of roleplays with the Immortal Raspberry, and many, many conversations and rants at The Endearing Cazzle. I've used the lyrics from The Killers' Mr Brightside, and of course Death Note.

Warnings: Yaoi, Angst, MelloxNear, One-sided, Unrequited, MelloxMatt, sex mentions, bondage mentions, like one spoiler but not very big, nothing to do with the end, and toy mentions. Near-centricO.o Anything I could've forgotten?

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of its related franchises. I do not own the song Mr Brightside, nor am I in any way affiliated with the artist. I do own this songfic though :3

Dedictations:Rasp, the only Matt I could ever laugh so much about garden peas with (and then not remember why the next morning), and Carly, who is made of an amazing amount of win, who I hope will review this and give me her much valued opinion, and who I am rather proud of for her managing to get her terrible grammar past the moderators at SlashAtTheDisco.

****NOTE****

italics = lyrics and flash backs. Lyrics are in single lines, (flash backs are in brackets).

Normal font is Near's thoughts at the time, not flashbacks. (Oh, and some normal bits are in brackets too, just because they had to be grammatically. These ones are not flashbacks, like this example)

Bold is simply emphasis.

Hey Ho, Lets Go!

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Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine,

You always said that the very air inside Whammy's was oppressive didn't you Mello? I, to be honest, simply can't feel any difference between it and the air that inhabits the rest of this Kira-stricken world. The whole world is oppressive, Mello… But maybe that suits you. You against everything, and you're doing just fine.

Gotta gotta be down, because I want it all.

It… Saddens me (I guess that would be the right word, it's the one you would've used anyway, and you let your emotions control your life face lips hands body) that now, even though we've both left the orphanage you called a prison, we're still locked together in this battle of right and wrong. Not that I would say your actions are wrong, Mello, no… They're different, but not wrong. You wouldn't say the same about me.

But, despite the fact that now we're your-God-knows how far apart, we're still bitterly locked, chained together… Unlike other times, other chains… (Cold metal wraps around my wrists and I'm so, so aware of how he could do anything he wants, how he will, and ohh, he's so talented and everything's blurrrrrring, It's going white and I'm there)

It started out with a kiss,

I touch my lips now with a pale finger, remembering… (Warm hands grab my shoulders, you stare down at me for a second, a heartbeat, before you're leaning down and closing your eyes softly, almost as softly as your lips are pressing against mine…)

How did it end up like this?

Waves of bitterness suddenly crash across my mind. Of all the things you were to me, you were never kind to me Mello. Considerate even, at times, passionate certainly… Everyone says I've got it all, the better chance, but I'd give up all of it, everything, if only I could stop you from doing what you did…

It was only a kiss,

(My heart catches in my chest as I see you lean over, smiling, in a way you never smile at me, and kiss the boy sat gaming beside you…)

It was only a kiss,

You know, at first, I thought, maybe just hoped, that it didn't mean anything… I mean, you were with me, still slept with me at least three times a week, still pushed me against the window after lessons, not really caring who went past, to claim my mouth with yours and let our tongues do battle in a completely different way to our minds…

Now I'm falling asleep,

I would dream about it, you and him, my subconscious betraying my waking emotions. Now my mind is flicking back and forwards, finding the memories I thought I filed away after examining, analysing…

And she's calling a cab,

My face didn't show my feelings as you announced that you were leaving. It never did, really, apart from… (hands clench in sheets as I gasp in pain, not expecting it to hurt this much, and later on you'll mention to me how hot you found it that I completely lost my control at last when you started moving…)

And he's having a smoke,

Sometimes I'd see, out of the corner of my eye as I went past your room to go to my own, Matt standing by an open window, cigarette in one hand and leaning out to drop the hot ash, since everyone knew that you went ballistic if he got ash on the floor of the room you shared.

And she's taking a drag,

He laughed so much when you choked on the only drag of a cigarette he ever convinced you to have. The only time you ever tried smoking was the day you and he… You and… You…

Now they're going to bed,

(Pants and moans, some of them all too familiar, some of them I'm terrified of becoming so, drift through the wall into my mind, and I slam my hands over my ears, too late to hear you asking him if he's ready…)

And my stomach is sick,

Afterwards, there was a sense of satisfaction that I could feel streaming through the wall, into my room, where it met a bitter sense of sickness that I wasn't familiar with, considering you were the only one who had ever… Ever… I can't think that.

And it's all in my head,

Days later, you passed me coming out of your room, and our eyes locked, and you grinned, the same grin that was able to manipulate my mind and body to your will. I could feel myself melting, letting you take over me, when suddenly your eyes moved to a point behind me and you smiled. I closed my eyes, not needing to see who it was that had distracted you so very easily…

But she's touching his chest, now,

(My eyes widen as I see his game drop to the floor, utterly forgotten, as your hands slide down his shirt, then up under it…)

He takes off her dress, now,

(I watch him undress you slowly, almost as slowly as your hand is moving inside his jeans.)

Let me go…

You've left, and yet I can still feel you looking at me, touching me, undressing me with your eyes as (hands clamp around my waist as I'm pushed down onto my bed, your hair brushing past my cheek as fingers start teasing me the way you're so damn good at…)

And I just can't look,

You never bothered to hide what you were doing from me. I'd have to walk up the stairs past you, and he'd be pushed up against the banister, legs wrapped around your waist as you proved the control you knew you had over the both of us.

It's killing me,

You're controlling me still, and you're not even here…

And taking control…

Control was always a word I associated with you, even before everything, before it all started and everything(nothing) was changed. You enjoyed control- handcuffs, chains, threats, promises, bribery, blackmail, torture I craved again and again only suddenly it was Matt moaning in frustration and pleasure, not me…

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea,

This is my moment of weakness. You were my everything, and yet you could drop me as easily as Matt dropped hot ash out of the window of your room. I was always one to say that ("life isn't fair" You hissed, a small smirk making me crumble, just like you knew I would), but this is different because this is just… Unbearable.

Sweating through sick lullabies,

The last time you visited my bed, I knew it was the last time. You took it slowly, making me gaspmoanbegplead before you even let your fingers drift down to make me remember you. There were no chains, no toys (as you called them, I could never bring myself to describe them like that), nothing but you, and yet I was bound in place like I never had been before. I would've done anything for you that night, and you made sure that we did everything anyway. But as light broke through the gap in the curtains, and the clock showed a obnoxious, flashing green that said it was five in the morning, you stopped the way your fingers were slowly drifting over my chest and stomach. Silence claimed us for the first time that night, as you placed your lips over mine and I shut my eyes.

Choking on your alibis,

You could lie as easily as you could whisper the filthy words in my ear that made me so easily manipulated, so easily destroyed and pulled back together into something you could use for the night.

But it's just the price I pay,

Maybe this anguish, this despair, is what I deserve. Maybe this is what you intended all along, breaking me down, only to leave me shattered amongst the ashes of the fire that burnt between you and Matt.

Destiny is calling me,

Perhaps this was meant to happen- I've never believed in fate, or destiny, or even luck really… But while I'm broken down like this, while I'm weak, I can almost see that there's padlocks keeping us together, and oceans pushing us apart, and maybe it's supposed to be like that. Maybe.

Open up my eager eyes…

(I blind myself quickly, hands covering eyes as Matt moans softly and you grin…)

'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside.

When you left, I told myself that at least you had left Matt alone too, so you couldn't have cared that much about him anyway… But deep down, in the part of me that wasn't allowed to speak, because if allowed it would scream, I knew that you'd come back for him eventually…

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea,

I'm finally able to place a name on the sour bitterness I felt when I thought about you. Jealousy. I wanted you to look at me the way you looked at Matt, I wanted to hear the things you whispered to him that didn't make him grin, but made him smile as he kissed you on the cheek, arms wrapped around your shoulders as you laughed.

Sweating through sick lullabies,

(For once in my life I was sweating, panting, hot breath coming from my mouth in gasps and moans more often than not, and you just watched)

Choking on your alibis

You were such a liar Mello… Such a Goddamned liar, as you would've said yourself. I do not curse of my own accord.

But it's just the price I pay,

Another thought- Maybe this is your reconciliation for how I always came first. Maybe… Maybe by letting me get so… Attached to you, then deliberately dropping me for someone you… You… I've heard you tell him you love him.

Destiny is calling me

I don't think that we were meant to be together. But that's what I want.

Open up my eager eyes…

I love you, Mello.

'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside.

I close my eyes as the screen in front of me flashes, and four windows pop open at once.

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What'd you think my dears?

I hope you enjoyed it, I really, sincerely do.

Please review if you have any constructive criticism, any words of wisdom, you're a friend, you liked it, or you simply want to put a smiley face in that review. It means a lot.

TwistedPearls

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