I've never wrote an a/n before so not sure what to really say...

But I've lurked around this site since the start of season 3 and have become hooked on fan fiction but this is my first attempt at writing so I only hope you'll give my story a try... Also I'd be really grateful for any pointers in how you think I can improve my writing!

Obviously I don't own anything, only borrowing and this is just for fun though I wouldn't mind owning Patrick of course!

Goodbye

Stood with his back to the room Derek Shepherd stared out of the kitchen window into the darkness beyond. Stuck in the midst of his own personal misery unable to feel an ounce of the happiness, or understand it of the crowd of family and friends surrounding him.

Over and over the voice in his head demanded to know what was there to be so happy about. How was he supposed to smile, to wish Meredith well when he didn't want her to leave. When her leaving meant he would lose his best friend, and that he had failed in the promise he had once made to her .

Derek wasn't sure if she remembered the words he had whispered that night, but he couldn't forget. Nor the way she had looked at him, full of trust and a certainty that even though he was still a child himself he held all the answers. The little girl with long blonde hair, large green eyes that he had felt such a pull too. Who had seemed to have no one. A feeling so unfamiliar to him that he had found her loneliness almost unbearable. It was then and there that he had decided Meredith Grey was his to protect, to take care of, and to make sure she never felt as alone as she did then.

Every day for the past twenty two years he had tried his best to honour those words. That promise made easier in that she had despite the five year age gap become his best friend. A friendship so deep he had never experienced another that came close.

There was Mark his brother, Claire his wife but somehow it was never the same. With Meredith everything was different. No one knew him as well or in the same way. She made him laugh, she made him feel that nothing was as bad as it seemed, that he could accomplish or overcome anything. She was his glue and Derek knew his life without her just wouldn't be the same.

It scared him, the thought that he honestly didn't know who he was without her terrified him. As everyone had been reminding him for the last two weeks they had spent periods of time apart before. Through his time away at school and more recently her own but this time it was different. He could feel it, see it in her, in every fight they had had over the past two weeks about her move. It was as if she was pulling away from him and for the first time he had no idea how to reach her to pull her back.

Feeling that way really was new for them, new for him, it was unsettling. This was certainly not the first time they had fallen out. They had disagreed in the past over millions of things. The boy's she dated, girls he dated, clothes she wore or rather didn't and with Ellis Grey as a mother Meredith had gone through so much, yet there had never been a moment he hadn't instinctively known what she needed from him.

It hadn't been one way either, when at his lowest in the dark months after losing his father it was her that had stayed with him day and night. Who didn't give up when everyone else ran out of ideas or ways to reach him. His life had suddenly turned dark and without his Dad he hadn't known how to go on. It had been Meredith who took him by the hand and was the strong one. The reversal of their original roles.

The thought of his father made Derek's chest only tighten further. Without a doubt he was sure what his father would have thought if he was here with them now. He would have hated the way he was treating Meredith. Disappointment would have been clear in the blue eyes that his own mirrored so completely. Just like his mother and sisters had over the past two weeks he would have called him out on it.

Christopher would have told him to be proud of their little Mer, to celebrate her being accepted into the number two teaching program in the country and to not punish her for it. Derek was proud of her though, proud that she was on her way to becoming all that he had known she would be, he just wanted her to do it here.

Letting out a sigh he wondered briefly how long before he could escape or if in any way an escape would be possible. It took only the briefest of seconds to realise after the phone calls he had had to endure from his disapproving mother and four sisters, his life wouldn't be worth living if he didn't stay. Let alone the reaction of Claire.

Claire his wife of six years who at the family dinner when Meredith had announced her intentions had been the first to congratulate her. Whilst he had sat dumbstruck unable to process anything more Meredith was saying apart from that she was leaving . Before he had without a word stormed from his mother's house. Even then trying to imagine how his life would work without Meredith's so important presence.

Claire's laugh was bitter when he had voiced that thought to her a few hours later as she'd demanded to know what part she then played in his life. He had tried to explain the difference, yet it had only ended in a row. A row that had continued on and off also for the past fourteen days.

As a giggle he would know anywhere reached him above the laughter and chatter that surrounded him Derek felt his fingers tighten around the glass of scotch in his hand. Any other time it would bring an instant smile to his face. Tonight however it caused his frown to deepen, the ball of misery around his heart to twist that little tighter. Yet as hard as he tried he was unable to stop himself from turning around. His unhappiness didn't stop the crowd around him from disappearing as his gaze centred for only a second on her before he dragged his eyes away. Sure that if he allowed the green eyes to hold his for too he would inevitably despite everything forgive her.

Forgive the fact that she was leaving him in only a week for an internship program on the other side of the country. An internship that he had expected her to spend as they had always planned following in his footsteps. One that would keep her here in New York close to the family that had claimed her as their own when she was little more than five years old. One that wouldn't take her away from him.

At Meredith's side was his mother but Derek wasn't quite sure it would be safe for him to hold her gaze either. It was his mother throwing this party, opening up her house to celebrate her adopted daughters accomplishments the same way both of his parents had opened their hearts to her and she was Meredith's most loyal supporter.

Meredith's laughter died on her lips the moment the pair of miserable blue eyes grazed over her for an all to fleeting second. The expression in them one Meredith was learning to recognise, yet still hurt so much to see especially coming from him.

"He hates me. I don't want him to hate me."

Her broken whisper was directed to the older woman at her side. The woman that she was pretty sure she owed everything too. The great Ellis Grey may have given her life but it was Caroline Shepherd who had done the rest. All the motherly neutering that Ellis hadn't seen as necessary Meredith had found here.

"He doesn't hate you. He hates the thought of losing you."

Caroline reassured not looking away from the bent head of her only son as her hand squeezed the slim shoulder of the young woman beside her.

Meredith Grey was as much her daughter as the four she had given birth too. Christopher she knew had felt the exact same. Meredith had had a very special corner of Christopher's heart all of her own. Forever claiming that place when she had looked up at him, and asked in all seriousness if he knew when her father would be coming for her.

The question had came a week after Ellis Grey had moved her and Meredith into the house opposite theirs. A week in which they had spent watching Meredith often long after they had put their own children to bed not move from the front steps of her house. Her eyes not wavering from the road with a fixed look of a mixture of hope and longing.

Ellis had never seemed to be home, leaving Meredith instead with what they had assumed to be a nanny. A nanny who made countless unsuccessful attempts to bring her inside every night. The one time she had seemed to have won the battle, they hadn't had time to move away from the window before the little girl had come shooting back through the door. This time sitting down with her arms crossed, a stubborn set to her mouth as she stared down the road.

It had been down to Derek that they had approached sooner rather than later. The girls had lost interest after the first two nights along with Mark. Derek however hadn't followed his friend or sisters example. Instead he had stood alongside his father watching her every move, as if he was standing guard.

The night in question Derek had watched the rain begin to fall, his stance growing stiffer the harder the rain fell and Meredith still didn't leave her spot. Her only movement had been to draw her legs up to her chest, arms clasped around them, long blonde hair falling to hide most of her face from their view and to offer some protection from the rain.

Derek with a sigh and a look of responsibility that out aged his ten years creeping into his usual playful blue eyes had snatched up a throw from the couch and one of his sisters pink umbrella from the hall closet and left the house. Her and Christopher silently following him out to the porch, watching as he crossed the road with a determined stride.

Without a single word Derek had pushed the now open umbrella into her small hands before draping the throw around her tiny frame. Only then had he sat down beside her and started to speak. To this day neither had told her what was said, but what she would never forget were the words Derek had spoken to them on his return to their side before he had pulled them across the street to her.

"Meredith. Her name is Meredith Grey, and she's waiting for her Daddy to come. I don't think he is coming. Her Mom's a surgeon, she's at the hospital so she doesn't have anyone. We have a lot of people, she needs us to be her family. She needs us to love her."

Derek's words had rang in both their ears as they had followed him across the street and twenty-two years on Caroline could still picture those heartbreakingly lonely green eyes. How warily they had looked her and Christopher over. Meredith's body edging further back from them with every passing second until Derek had crouched down beside her. Removing the umbrella from her tightly clenched fists to hold it above them both as his other clasped her now empty hand in a reassuring grip. The green eyes had returned to Derek only for certain, complete trust to flare in their depths and with confidence she had then turned back to face them.

"I'm waiting for my Daddy. He promised he'd see me soon."

It was that moment Meredith had turned her sole attention to Christopher and Christopher had told her later in bed that he lost his heart.

"Your a daddy, I think a good one so do you know how long he'll be?"

An older version of that exact same voice broke into Caroline's memories now, bringing her back to the present.

"He's not losing me. He wont lose me, but I can't be around, I just ... Well it was an offer I cant refuse."

Caroline didn't miss the way Meredith had stumbled over her words, but knew it would do her no good to broach the subject. To question further why Meredith had jumped at the chance at the of a place in Seattle rather than stay here as she had always planned. Her enquiry would only be met with a stubborn refusal to discuss it further or voice aloud what she was certain Meredith felt for Derek.

It was that same notorious stubbornness that had kept her keeping vigil for her father for a further six months. The only difference she had done it with Derek at her side.

In the months to come would be the first time that he wouldn't be there. Throughout their times at different colleges and med school's they had both made the countless trips back and forth. Not even changing with Derek starting his own surgical residency or his relationship, then marriage to Claire.

Caroline was sure whatever they had said to each other that wet night had caused an unbreakable bond that only now was really being put to the test. For the past two weeks since Meredith had declared her intention Caroline knew they had argued more than they ever had before. Derek openly angry whilst Meredith did her best to hide her hurt from them all.

"I have to go. I do."

Meredith said, reminding herself again that what she was doing was right for the both of them whether Derek understood it or not.

"I know."

Caroline assured and Meredith found herself staring into a pair of all knowing brown eyes . Before a denial could fall from Meredith's lips Caroline spoke again. "But that won't stop us missing you." "I'll miss you all too. You're my family, this is my home ... I wish I..." Meredith trailed off as a warm male voice made a very welcome interruption, stopping her from revealing too much as the urge to ramble and bear everything started to take over. "There you are! Come with me Grey I have my very own personal goodbye to share with you and an old friend of ours." There was no time for her to react or attempt to stop Mark pulling Meredith away, leaving her alone watching her son. Caroline hesitated only for another second before crossing to him. Following Mark's example Caroline took hold of Derek's arm pulling him into the utility room and firmly shutting the door before he had chance to react or to protest.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd you will snap out of this right now. You will go rescue Meredith from wherever Mark has dragged her off to and then you will apologise to her. Do you understand me?"

"I cant."

"You can and you will. That girl has been has been in your life for twenty two years. Always on your side, standing by you through everything and you owe her this."

"So I owe it to lie to her then is that what you want? I have never lied to her, not once and I refuse to start now. She is making a mistake. Seattle has nothing for her whilst we have everything that should make her want to stay. We are her family, this is her home not a city she left when she was five..."

Derek insisted whilst wishing he had escaped earlier. Unable to believe he hadn't seen this type of attack coming.

"Her mother..."

Caroline started to retell one of the reasons Meredith had given them, one Derek had not stayed long enough to hear the first time around.

"Her mother nothing, The residential homes are just as good here as they are in Seattle and she owes that woman nothing because Meredith's welfare has certainly never troubled her!"

"Derek you are hurting Meredith more by treating her like this, not changing her mind only hurting her. You are my son, you are your fathers son and I know that is the last thing our son would want. In all these years I have never known you to want to hurt her ... In fact up till this moment you have done everything to protect her. "

His mother's words stung and Derek had to force the lump in his throat aside to make it possible to give her an answer that would some how explain.

"I don't want her to leave Mom. This wasn't what we had planned. Claire doesn't get it nor do the girls, I'm not even sure Mark does but she wont have anyone there."

For the first time in two weeks blue eyes met brown and didn't look away.

"She'll be alone again."

"Oh son..."

"I don't want her to feel like that, I don't want her to be lonely again..."

"Derek, Meredith knows we love her. That this is her home. That there is always a bed or a place around the table for her here or in anyone of yours or your sisters homes."

"What about me Mom? What do I do without her? "

He sounded more vulnerable than Caroline had heard him in a long time. Not since that day in the hospital when the doctors had told them there was no more they could do. That Christopher wouldn't be waking up from the coma the lone bullet had put him in.

It had been the summer before he started at Columbia and he had literally changed before her eyes. With drawing from them all into himself, out of reach from any more pain except from Meredith. At nineteen she had showed a maturity and selflessness beyond her years. Letting her own need to grieve for the father figure she had openly loved so deeply be pushed aside as she had consumed herself in Derek's. Caroline had wondered then if some good would come out of those month's by bringing them together but not long after Derek had met Claire. She liked Claire, and she knew Derek loved his wife but she couldn't help but suspect whether Derek knew it or not he might share in what was driving Meredith away.

Now however was not the time and reaching out a hand she stroked the stubbled cheek. The dark shadows under the blue eyes that matched the ones circling Meredith's green too pronounced to miss.

"It's okay to miss her Derek. It's okay to feel lost but you shouldn't punish her for trying to move on!"

"What do you mean move on? Move on from what?"

Caroline realised her mistake the moment the words were out of her mouth and hastily tried to cover her steps.

"In life Derek, move on with her life. She's not five any more, she's not a child, she is a grown woman with her own life to lead."

"She could do that here. With me, with us, there is no need to go to Seattle!"

"I'm going to miss her too. If I could I would ask her to stay but I can't and won't and nor should you."

Taking hold of Derek's hand she squeezed it.

"You are the most important person in her life and even if it's not what you want you have to do this. Let her go with your approval otherwise you will damage what you claim is so important to you. You will damage it , not Meredith and then you really will have lost her."

Staring into the brown eyes Derek tried to imagine doing as she wanted.

"I just don't understand Mom. I know her, I know her, I know how she thinks I always have, but right now it feels like I don't..."

Caroline had no answer for him and he knew it as he slowly let his head drop onto her shoulder. Less like the thirty two year old man on his way to being the best Neuro surgeon in the country, more the ten year old boy who had first brought Meredith into their lives.

After escaping Mark with his tequila bottle in hand Meredith crossed the road to the house that had once been her mothers. Never a home for her, the only home she'd ever had was the one she had just left, yet tonight she felt drawn here. The party hadn't felt the same after Derek's clear rejection and now she found herself returning to where he had first come into her life.

There was no car in the driveway so without worry of being disturbed by the family that lived there now she sat down on the third step, the exact same step she had always chose before. The tequila bottle resting beside her as her fingers ran fleetingly over the smooth wood before they found their place drawing her knees up to her body as she stared across the street at the lone figure stood watching her.

There was no mistaking who it was. No other man caused her skin to tingle in this way with a look. No other man had ever been able to look at her like Derek could. It was as if he could see right down to her soul. She didn't need to be able to see his face for her to know he was wearing that exact same mixture of hurt and confusion that he had in the kitchen.

For a brief moment she was sure he was going to turn away right up until he took a step forward. A flash back to twenty two years ago when he had first crossed this road, changing her life forever.

Derek had taught her to trust. Him and his family had taught her how to love and there was no one more important in her life, there never had been.

Yet somehow along the way that friendship, the closeness and instinctive knowledge of the other had for her turned into something completely different. There was no way to pin point when it had happened it was just suddenly there. Changing everything, turning her whole world upside down. At first she had been sure it would simply disappear back to where it had came from if she avoided it for long enough. It hadn't happened though no matter how hard she had tried to distract herself with other men. Men unable to compete with Derek, a married Derek with a wife that she found hard to hate.

Her decision to leave had made itself when she had opened the offer from Seattle. Though she had known he would be upset she had never expected for him to react this way.

"I don't understand this, I don't agree with it and I don't think I ever will. I don't, but you are my best friend."

His voice reached her before he did, it sounded tired and there was none of the anger she had recently become accustomed too. Taking that as a sign of a glimmer of hope Meredith opened her mouth to speak only for him to shake his head.

"Don't speak. If you speak we'll argue and I can't argue with you any more Mer."

Her teeth biting down into her lip to stop herself Meredith nodded.

"We met on this step. You were waiting for your dad, you were five and you were lost. I didn't understand it but I felt it. You looked at me with those big green eyes and said all you wanted was a family. You wanted your dad and you wanted your Mom to come home. You hated being on your own because you got scared."

As he spoke Derek took the same seat beside her he had all those years ago however this time there was miles of distance between them. A distance neither knew how to fix as he talked over what they never had before.

"I promised you that I would be your friend, that we would be your family... That you didn't have to be scared any more because you had me."

"I remember."

Meredith breathed unable to stop herself any longer.

"I asked if you were my prince, I was obsessed with fairy tales because my Mom would never read them to me but the Nanny did as a bribe...... You said no, that you were a knight not a prince, knights were cooler..."

Derek nodded along to her words, the first smile in week gracing his lips before it fell.

"I don't want you to be alone again Mer. I don't want to be thousands of miles away. I don''t want this..."

"Derek..."

"So I can't tell you it's okay, that I'm happy for you! I don't believe you when you list off your so called reasons. I know you, I know when you lie and that's what your doing but I don't know why."

Meredith had no answer for him. He was right she couldn't lie to him but neither could she tell him the truth.

"But I can't argue any more. It hurts to argue with you so go, go to Seattle and I'll still be here. Whatever this is that's making you go I'm keeping my promise I' am still here!"

Derek turned in time to see the tears that welled in the green eyes and was unable to stop himself from moving closer. His arm going about her shoulders as he pulled her into the warmth of his body.

"What is it Mer. Please tell me... Is it Thatcher, are you going for him?"

He asked his voice low as he broached a subject they hadn't for a long time. Derek knew all that was really left from that part of her life was little more than a memory of a man that used to pour her cereal in the morning.

"No. No the only father I ever had or will ever want was Christopher Shepherd .."

She spoke the truth, it was there clear in her voice. She had loved his father, hero worshipped him and his death had devastated her as it had them all.

"Then what? Is it that jerk you were seeing because I swear I'll..."

Derek demanded suddenly remembering the man Mark had mentioned seeing with her the last time he had travelled up to Dartmouth when Derek had been unable to go with him.

"No it's not Jamie, that's over and so will Mark's life be..."

Anger surged into her voice and Derek knew he had to speak before he lost all of her attention.

"Mer please..."

It was that look. The look she was unable to refuse. The tilting of his head, the softness of his blue eyes now laced with worry. The way her name sounded more like a breath passing his lips. It was her weakness.

"I love you."

It was out before she could stop it. Three words she had said to him so many times before but never with the same meaning as they were meant now. He looked shocked for only a second before warmth filled the blue eyes.

"I know you do and I love you too... But I'm clueless here so please tell me why you feel the need to leave..."

His words stung. It sent a stabbing pain through her and only emphasised the point why she couldn't do this anymore. She loved him. Loved him in a huge terrifying way but he didn't not in the way she wanted. That was a fact she couldn't live with anymore not until she was sure she could be just his Mer again.

"Please Derek... Go back inside, say sorry to Claire because she's pissed at you and at me for some reason and make nice with Nancy and Kathleen before they actually commit your murder... You said you'll be here so okay."

"But your not."

"I will be."

"Okay."

Derek breathed still unable to understand what was suddenly pulling her away from him but knowing her well enough to know she had given all she was going too. With a nod he raised to his feet and opened his arms, hating that look in her eyes as she hesitated before stepping in to his hold. Closing his arms he rocked her back and forth for a moment before bending his head to brush her hair with his lips.

"Just come home soon I miss you already."

Is this the end are you sure
How should you know when you've never been here before
It's so hard to just let go
When this is the one and only love I've ever known

So how do you find the words to say
To say goodbye
If your heart don't have the heart to say
To say goodbye

So that was the first Chapter and if you like it and want more PLEASE review and let me know or even if you hated it I'd be welcome to any ideas!!!!