Sometimes, when I'm lying awake in my bed, I think of you. I think of the way I loved you, and the way I fucked it all up.

I think about the way we made love. The way your gentle caresses made me feel safe, loved, for the first time. How you whispered sweet nothings in my ear as we fell asleep in each other's arms.

I think about when we came out as a couple; the only legal teacher/student relationship. I remember how mad Ron was, and how long it took him to finally get over his own thick skull.

I think about when the depression set it, and I turned to cutting to cope. When you said I had to choose between the blade and you; When I chose the blade.

I think about how you just turned and walked away, robes billowing in the spring breeze, never looking back.

I think about the way I cried after you left. How empty I felt with out you. The way my heart hurts at every mention of love, or you, or of loving you.

Sometimes when I'm lying awake in my bed, I think about how I pushed you away. I think about you, Severus, and how much I loved you. How much I still love you, and I cry.

Because all I did was push you away.