I... can't think of anything to put in this pre-chapter author's note.
Song: Bare (or is it Bear?) Necessities from the Jungle Book
Requested by: Mizuri-chan (along with about a dozen others lol) and Yuki101
Disclaimer: Despite much plotting, I still don't own FMA and/or Disney.
The Bare Necessities of Central
Central had yielded once more to chaos. Of course, a majority of the citizens never noticed it. Thanks to admirable efforts of the military, it was confined (usually) to their own headquarters. What can be said? He was a stubborn, devious mastermind who would stop at nothing. All of them were.
And when you put Ed, Roy, and Hughes together in one building, all hell would soon break loose.
It wasn't just that they took things to the extreme; from a height insecurity to far too much doting on one's daughter; these men used their dark gifts to challenge one another in a thunderous cycle of trying to outdo the others. The goal appeared to annoy one of the opponents as much as possible without being killed.
The day that Ed was back in Central for more research, Hughes seized his opportunity. He assembled a skilled team, devised an ingenious plot, and now they were ready to carry it out.
"You know, Roy," Hughes began as he and Havoc walked with him towards a local pub, "I've noticed lately that you're becoming more and more uptight."
Roy sighed. "More pictures of your daughter will not make me less uptight, if I were uptight to start with."
"It's not good to deny your faults, chief," Havoc added before Hughes could pull out more photographs. "If you keep that up, you'll be as bad as Fullmetal."
" Please don't compare me with that short-tempered runt-"
Meanwhile, Al walked his big brother through town, hoping he'd get something to eat on the way back to the hotel.
"Brother, you should really get something out of one of these restaurants. By ordering so much room service, you miss out on some of what Central has to offer."
"Like a morally bankrupt colonel with a god complex and an oya-baka who has too much film in his camera?"
"That's not very nice, Ed."
"Yeah, I resent that comment!"
The brothers looked across the street to find said morally bankrupt colonel and doting parent, trioed by Second Lieutenant Havoc. They walked over to the Elrics.
"Havoc and I were just discussing how a certain pair of alchemists needed to relax.."
"You better not be pairing that bastard with me-"
"You better watch you tongue, runt."
While Al held his brother back from pummeling the colonel, Havoc continued. "He's right, though, both of you are just too uptight."
"I really wish you'd relax once in a while and appreciate what we've got."
"This isn't an intervention, Al." Ed retorted.
"Good point, Alphonse! After all, you've got the bare necessities, haven't you?"
"NO, HAVOC!"
But it was too late, and Hughes burst into song.
(Hughes)
Look for the bare necessities
The simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your strife-
"I'm too tired to deal with this.."
"I should've just ordered room service.."
To their dismay, Hughes just sang louder.
I mean the bare necessities!
Old Mother Nature's recipes
The bring the bare necessities of life!
(Al)
Wherever we wander, wherever we roam
(Havoc)
You couldn't be fonder
(Hughes)
Of my big home!
"Your place isn't that big.."
"No place is big enough to house my love for my adorable Elysia-"
"You're messing up the tempo!"
(Havoc)
The bees are buzzing in the tree
To make some honey just for me
When you look under the rocks and plants
And take a glance at the fancy ants-
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A TINY ANT?"
(Hughes)
The bare necessities of life will come to you!
Roy rolled his eyes while Al continued holding a struggling Ed back.
They'll come to you!
(Al)
Look for the bare necessities
The simple bear necessities
Forget about our worries and our strife-
If only for a moment!
(Havoc)
He means the bare necessities!
That's why we men can rest at ease
With just the bare necessities of life!
(Hughes)
Now when you pick a pawpaw
Or a prickly pear-
"Neither of those things are sold in Central!"
"What the hell is a pawpaw?"
(Hughes)
And you prick a raw paw
Next time, beware!
"You're not making any sense."
"I still don't know what it is!"
(Hughes)
Don't pick the prickly pear by the paw!
When you pick a pear, try to use the claw!
But you don't need to use the claw
When you pick a pear of the big pawpaw.
Have I given you a clue?
"Claws?"
"WHAT THE HELL IS A PAWPAW?"
"It's a fruit shaped similar to a papaya that grows on trees with large simple leaves. It can be used as a substitute for bananas in banana-based recipes but is not as largely commercialized as other fruits."
"You two spend entirely too much time in the library."
"You spend entirely too much time smoking!"
"That may be, but at least I appreciate the bare necessities!"
"Cigarettes are NOT a bare necessity!"
(Hughes, Al, Havoc)
The bare necessities of life will come to you!
"Are you saying we should take up smoking?"
"I think you're missing the point, Ed.."
They'll come to you!
Hughes led them on down the street, still singing loud as ever.
(Hughes)
So just try and relax
Yeah, cool it
Fall apart in my backyard
"This isn't your yard!"
'Cause let me tell you something, good buddies
If you act the way you act like bees, uh uh (They all shook their heads)
You're working too hard
"Funny, try telling the first lieutenant that."
"Get your damn paperwork done, you lazy-"
(Hughes, cutting him off)
And don't spend your time lookin' around
For something you want that can't be found
"You're not being very encouraging-"
When you find out you can live without it
And go around not thinkin' about itEd looked as though he might kill Hughes, but seemed to be immobilized with rage.
Al, on the other hand, stood ready to restrain him again.
I'll tell you something true:
(Hughes, Havoc)
The bare necessities of life will come to you!
"All together now!"
Ed and Roy just stood there, steam practically rising from their heads.
(Hughes, Al, Havoc)
Look for the bare necessities
The simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your strife!
I mean the bare necessities
That's why these men should rest at ease
With just the bare necessities of life!
Nobody spoke for a moment. Al, Havoc and Hughes were still in their big finishing pose, while Ed and Roy had on identical faces that showed their lack of remaining patience.
"Can we go now?" They moaned in unison.
"Don't you want to know how I devised my cunning plan?"
"Let's just say you won, Maes.."
"I'm tired, can't we just go home?"
Half an hour and many photographs later, everybody was on their way home.
"Feel free to help babysit Elysia again anytime, guys!"
Al and Havoc were consequently forbidden to contact Maes Hughes for several days.
END :)
Admittedly, I have never seen The Jungle Book. Hope you enjoyed it! And Hughes is back :D Thanks for all the favs, story alerts, and reviews. Especially those. Keep 'em comin' folks!