It wasn't until the school year started that Serena noticed something was wrong with Dan. He would no longer banter with Blair and Chuck, merely taking their insults silently. The only time he even seemed happy was she and him were alone. Which meant she had to choose between her boyfriend and her best friend. Fortunately, most days Blair was too occupied with Chuck to even notice the missing blonde.
So today, a day like many others, was spent by Dan's side, clutching his hand and still unsure about what was going through his head.
"Hey," she murmured, watching him turn towards her, a soft sad smile on his face. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," he forced a brighter smile, leaning to kiss her. "Everything's perfect."
She scooted closer to him, resting her head against his shoulder. "I know you're lying."
"Why would I be lying?" He chuckled, but it didn't sound right. It was stiff. Forced. "I'm here with the most amazing girl, nothing's wrong."
"Okay." She said, still not convinced. "I love you."
"Love you too." He said softly, almost sadly.
--
It wasn't only in school that she was aware of something being wrong. Whenever they were truly alone, not shrouded by parents or siblings, there was always something off. He was still in love with her, or at least he acted like he was, but he seemed to cling onto her more, depend on her more.
It wasn't that she minded, because she knew she was clingy herself, but it was just different. He seemed to slow things down, as if he were implanting it inside his head so he wouldn't forget anything. She was getting more worried, and it was getting harder to hide it.
"Dan," she began, playing absently with his tie. They were lying on her bed, just enjoying being around the other. "Do you want to break up with me?"
"No," his brow furrowed, and his grip on her loosened slightly. "Is something wrong? Do you want to break up with me?" The words, though said slowly and calmly, were hinted with fear and worry.
"Never." She shifted towards him, brushing their lips together. "Its just that you've been different lately. You're sadder."
"I'm sorry I've been such a downer. I've just been having a couple of bad days." He sighed, eyes drifting away from hers. "But I'm fine, I really am."
"Okay, you know you can talk to me about anything, right? Even about your bad days."
"You don't want to hear about this, okay?" He whispered, brown eyes serious. He had gone tense and he had drawn his right arm arm closer to him. "Trust me."
"Dan," she murmured, confused. "What's going on?"
His eyes closed and another one of those sad smiles she was used to seeing appeared on his face. "Let's not talk about this right now."
And there was something in his voice that halted the probing question in her mind, that made her simply nod and hold on to him tighter.
--
It wasn't until it was time to send off college applications that she noticed the scars on his right arm. They were in his room and there it was, a bright pink line on the underside of his arm. From first glance, she knew exactly what it was. She'd seen Eric's one too many times not to. She stood up, walking over to him and gently grabbed his arm.
"Dan," she whispered, hoping it wasn't what she thought it was. "What's going on?"
"Oh that?" He smiled lightly, shaking his head. "I'm stupid, I was out on the fire escape and something sharp snagged me. Its nothing."
She stared at him, unable to see if he was lying or not. "Okay."
"You don't believe me."
Her arms circled around him, and she leaned into him, tears pricking her eyes. "Because you're lying to me. Dan, talk to me. Please."
"What's there to talk about? Serena, nothing's going on." He lifted her chin, kissing her gently. "Don't cry, okay? I'm fine."
She pulled back, reproachful. "I'm not stupid and I can tell when you're lying. Just tell me what's wrong. Please."
"What do you want me to say?" He took a step towards her, cursing silently when her eyes widened and she took a step back.
"Tell me the truth."
"I did." He protested, growing frustrated.
"Then show me where the sharp point is on the fire escape and I'll believe you." Serena said, tears trickling down her cheeks.
Dan stared at her, unmoving, arms hanging loosely at his sides. But she could still see the scar. She moved towards the bed, silently putting her things in her bag though she had intended on staying the night. "I'll see you tomorrow, maybe you'll have an explanation then." She said quietly, moving towards the door.
"Don't leave," he called after her, his voice cracking.
She whirled around, saddened. "I don't want to. Tell me, Dan. Are you cutting yourself?"
His eyes shut once more and his shoulders sagged. He nodded. "I'm sorry," he whispered hoarsely, looking away.
Her bag fell to the floor and she darted towards him, catching him in a hug. One hand reached up, stroking his hair. "Come here," she murmured, her tears mixing with his.
"I'm sorry," he repeated, burying his face into her neck. "I'm sorry. Please don't leave me."
"I'm not going anywhere." She whispered, her voice hoarse. And somehow they ended up on the bed, Serena holding onto Dan tightly, one hand entwined with his.
--
"Will you stop?" She asked him, eyes boring into him. They were in the courtyard, not far away from last year's make out spot.
He chuckled and turned towards her, holding up his water. "Serena, what am I doing? I'm just drinking my water."
"Not that." Her eyes meet his and he realized what she meant.
"Can we not talk about that?"
She shook her head, starting to get annoyed. "You avoid it at all costs, Dan. You won't tell me what's wrong, you're acting differently. I want the old Dan back."
He bowed his head, avoiding her eyes. "Nothing's changed about me."
"When I look at you, I don't see the Dan I fell in love with. The Dan that was so protective of me, the one I never want to be without. I want my Dan back." She pleaded, one hand moving over his. "I miss my boyfriend."
He sighed, his breath visible in the cold winter day. "If you want to break up with me, go ahead."
"I'm not going to break up with you." She whispered, shocked that he would even think that. "I just want you to talk to me. Or stop. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for me."
He looked up at her, at her pleading dark blue eyes, seeing the tears welling up in the corner. "Okay," he gave in, wrapping an arm around her. "I'll try."
"Promise?"
He nodded, pulling her closer, breathing her in. "I promise I'll try stopping."
"Thank you," she murmured, tilting her chin to kiss him gently.
--
"Serena, can I talk to you?" Nate asked, looking down at the blonde.
"Sure," she pulled herself out of Dan's grasp, pecking his lips. "I'll be right back."
She followed Nate, looking back at Dan every so often. "What's up?" She asked, once they finally stopped.
"Dan's cutting himself," he began, fidgeting uncomfortably. "and I thought you should know-"
"Nate, I already know. Its fine. He promised he'd try to stop." She smiled, trying to reassure Nate.
"Stop what? Cutting or trying to kill himself?" Nate shot back, his blue eyes deadly serious.
"Both."
"Then he lied to you." He said gently, eyes meeting hers.
"He couldn't have," she said faintly, shaking her head. "Dan wouldn't do that."
"Go look at his arm. There's more scars and look at his tricep. Unless I was seeing things at soccer last night, he's lying to you." Nate sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets. "You have to help him, Serena. I doubt he'd listen to anyone else."
"I don't..I don't know what to do." She admitted as he pulled her in a hug.
"Be there for him. Just help him. Be the best you can be and I know you can. You're Serena van der Woodsen, my best friend. You're the only one who can help him."
--
"We need to talk."
Dan looked up from his book in surprise. "Okay," he replied, confused. It wasn't everyday his girlfriend burst into his room, saying those words.
He rose from his chair, walking over to her. "Is something the matter?"
"Take off your shirt." She demanded, the cross tone in her voice telling him that she wasn't in the mood to play around.
"Why?" He replied and swatted her hands away when she reached for the buttons on his shirt. "Serena, are you okay?"
"I don't know, am I supposed to be okay after finding out my boyfriend lied to me?" She retorted, pushing a lock of blonde hair away from her face.
"What are you talking about? I haven't lied to you."
Her hands grabbed his right arm, jerking the sleeve back. "Then what is this?" She snapped, gesturing at the dozen or so cuts on the underside of his arm.
He jerked his arm back, his jaw set. "Those are old." He protested lamely, knowing that there was no way she was going to believe his lie.
"You have twenty seconds to start explaining or I'm gone."
"Serena, you can't...I.." he stammered as he struggled to find the right words. "Don't do this."
"Then tell me what's wrong! I can't stand having you like this and you won't even tell me why!" She shrieked, close to breaking down. She took a breath, blinking back the tears that threatened to come. "I love you and I need you to trust me."
"I do trust you." He murmured weakly, wanting nothing more than to take her in his arms and tell her everything. But he couldn't. It was just too hard. "But I don't want you to hear this."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't want you to leave me." He sank down onto his bed, avoiding her eyes.
"I'm not going to leave you," she whispered, itching to rush forward and engulf him in a hug. "Just tell me why. I know you're depressed and-"
"I'm not depressed. Not anymore." He cut in fiercely. He sighed, rubbing his eyes.
"Why were you depressed?"
He shrugged and looked up at her, pleading her to sit next to him. She got the unspoken message, moving forward to sit by him. "Yale rejected me."
"Dan, you're on the waiting list."
He shook his head, a forced chuckle slipping through his lips. "I'm not going there, Serena. And if I did get in, there's no way I could afford it. And to top it all off, I saw my mom that day. She's getting married to Alex. I felt like everything was spinning out of control. I couldn't do anything without something bad happening. I felt like I had no one and you were on vacation that week which just made it worse. I guess that was the beginning of me getting depressed."
"But you're not anymore."
He nodded hesitantly, unable to look at her. "And then, I just got used to it, but then this," he held up his right arm half heartedly, "became an addiction. I tried stopping when you asked me to, but I couldn't. Its too hard."
She leaned her head on his shoulder, unable to say anything because she knew all he wanted was for her to listen.
"Sometimes when you're not around, I get really lonely and then for some reason my mind always strays to the things around me and what they could do. The paper clips in my drawer, the tacks, my razor, pens, the miniature swiss army knife that I have. And I can't help myself because I know I can."
"What do you use?" She wondered aloud, giving his hand a squeeze.
He looked at her, his eyes darker than she had ever seen them. "Serena," he started, shaking his head. "Don't."
"Tell me," she murmured firmly, one hand stroking his curly black hair. "I'm not going to judge you. You know that."
He sighed, finally mumbling something that sounded vaguely like "most of those" before closing his eyes with another shaky sigh. "I'm sorry."
She nodded, forgetting that his eyes were closed. She pecked his cheek, arms tight around him. "Its okay," she reassured him, trying to convince herself. "You're going to get better and everything's going to be okay."
"Are we going to be okay?"
She looked at him, taking him in. "Yeah," she assured him. "we're going to be fine."
--
"Its almost Christmas," he murmured as he showered her with sleepy affectionate kisses. They were in her bedroom, murmuring to each other before they went to sleep. "Anything you want?"
She giggled under his touch, reaching forward to kiss him properly. "I don't know, what are you willing to give me?"
He chuckled, tightening his hold on her. "Anything, within reason of course."
Her left hand sought his right, intertwining their fingers. "I want you to stop."
His eyes hardened and his body stiffened. Slowly the tension eased out of his body and a sigh escaped his lips. "I meant something you can, you know, hold."
Her hand slipped from his and gripped his forearm lightly. "Something I can hold," she echoed, staring at him with the same pleading look.
"Isn't there anything else that you want? Something I can go out and buy?"
She kissed his jaw, snuggling into him further. "Maybe if you proposed," she mused, a playful edge to her sentiment.
"I can do that," he laughed.
"But really Dan, all I want, all I need is for you to stop."
"There's nothing else you want?" He murmured, his voice strained. "Nothing at all?
"Unless you want to marry me," she giggled softly. "there's nothing else I want." He nodded, pulling her into another kiss. He wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close. "So what do you want for Christmas?"
He froze, a cheeky grin starting to form on his face. "You."
"Well can have me, if I get what I want." She said softly, kissing him. "Deal?"
He nodded and kissed her temple. "Deal, you persuasive vixen."
"You know you love me."
--
It wasn't until he had fallen asleep that she had decided that she would take the opportunity to get a closer look at his arm. Gently tugging his sleeve back, she stared at the cuts that were destroying her boyfriend's life. She lightly traced her finger along each one, from the short vertical cuts on his wrist to the long frightening ones that covered the majority of the underside of his forearm. She studied each cut, each scar, unable to picture the man she loved committing such a monstrosity upon himself.
She looked up at him, his face free of any worry, peaceful almost. She flipped his arm over gently, doing her best not to disturb his sleep. To her horror, there were even more marks. They weren't clearly visible, the white scars blending easily with his skin. And then she saw it. Peeking out of the sleeve she had just folded back were an array of red marks. She jerked his sleeve back all the way to his tricep, suppressing a gasp as she saw the angry red letters carved into his tricep. That was what Nate was talking about, the lettering on his tricep that spelled out something so unexpected, but obvious all the while. Serena.
Tears prick her eyes and she's unable to do much except lie down, doing her best to keep her sobs muffled. She realized that though he promised over and over again, he has never really gotten control over himself. It was worse than her brother, because with Eric, she simply hadn't been around, but with Dan, she was here and no matter what she said, he continued relentlessly. This was out of her hands.
--
Christmas Day was looming, and even the festive activities couldn't get Serena's mind off of what she saw etched into Dan's arm. She sat on her bed, arms wrapped tightly around him as they simply enjoyed being around the other.
"Hey," he murmured. "You okay? You're pretty quiet."
"I'm worried about you," she told him automatically, fingers pressing into his defaced tricep.
He winced slightly, doing his best to keep his face neutral. "What's there to be worried about? I've been fine, remember?"
"I saw it," she said, eyes drilling into him.
"Saw what?"
"The thing you've been hiding from me, the thing you've been lying to me about." Her fingers slipped under the sleeve of his polo and she yanked it back, revealing the inflamed skin. His eyes met hers and for a second, she thought he was going to deny it, feed her another lie.
Then his shoulders slumped, his grip on her loosening. "Serena," he started, almost pleadingly.
"I want you to go Ostroff." She said intently, naming the rehabilitation center her brother had been sent to.
"Serena, you can't do that." He said, eyes cold. "I'm 18, you can't make me go anywhere."
"I don't want a depressed boyfriend." Her eyes flashed as she jerked away from him.
"I'm not going to a mental institution, Serena. I'm doing just fine." He all but growled, running a hand through his hair.
"Its not a mental institution," she protested, watching his brown eyes grew darker, more serious. "You need help, Dan. Please just go."
"I'm not your bitch, you can't control me. I'm not going."
"If you don't go," she started, punctuating each word carefully. "we're over."
"Then we're over." He shrugged, almost nonchalantly.
She looked up at him, eyes shining with tears. "When you find the old Dan again, I'll be here."
He stood up, slipping into his shoes. "The old Dan is dead and gone, just like our relationship." He threw on his jacket, his face twisted into a grimace. "I'll let myself out."
She said nothing, willing herself not to let a tear fall. Her door slammed close and it was only then she let the tears slip down her face.
--
7It wasn't the same. Those were the words that popped into her mind every single day, every single time she caught herself thinking about him. She no longer thought of him the same way, she was more and more concerned, worried on the days she didn't see him.
And then Christmas rolled along, breaking her heart more. It was their special day. The day they promised that they would always spend together because it just meant so much to them. Her thoughts flashed to him, but she somehow always found herself seeing that awful red scar in his arm. Every fiber of her longed to be with him, but she couldn't, she wouldn't. Not until he got well again.
A knock on her door made her sit up and she sighed, thinking that it was probably either her brother or her mother again, trying to find out what was wrong; not that she would tell them of course. "Come in," she called, bracing herself for the whirlwind that was her mother.
Instead what she got was Dan. Scruffy handsome Dan with snow in his hair, his cheeks red and his hands jammed into his pockets. "Hey."
"What are you doing here?"
He withdrew his hands, pulling out a beautifully wrapped gift. He set it on her bed, his eyes never leaving hers. "Its been two weeks."
"Since we broke up, I know." She murmured, eyes closing briefly as the pain in her heart increased. It was difficult enough with him not speaking to her, but now he was just in reach, she could have back in her arms within a second if she wished. But she couldn't. She wouldn't do that. She needed him to get better. No matter how bad the separation pained her.
"No." He shook his head, a hint of a smile playing at his lips. He discarded his coat, dropping it carelessly to the floor. He pulled back the sleeve of his shirt and stood there, daring her to come closer.
And she did. She gripped his arm lightly, her fingers running down the length of his arm, searching for something, anything that would make her doubt his words. But there was nothing, no raised lines that would indicate a scar, nothing except for the goosebumps that covered his arm the instant she touched him. He pulled back from her gently, and he unbuttoned his shirt, turning so that she could see his arm properly. She ran her fingers lightly over his skin, doing her best not to get lost in the smell of him. Again, there was nothing. Just the healing scar from last time.
She closed her eyes, the image of her name in his arm burned into her memory. She felt his arms circle her and she didn't pull back. She was pressed against his bare chest and for the first time in a long time, she felt safe. "It takes twenty one days to start a habit; less if you're upset," he spoke softly, his voice husky. "They say it takes three days to break a habit. For me, it took a day without you." She felt him pull back slightly, tilting her chin so that she could look at him. "Serena," he murmured, saying her name slowly as if savoring it. "I miss you so much."
"What if things don't end up the way you want it to, Dan?" She asked, unable to meet his gaze. She can't let him know she lacks the ability to lose him again.
"Then I'll find some way, some other way to deal with it." He said firmly. "I promise you, Serena. I'm not going back to that. I love you and I need you back." He said, his voice cracking.
She looked up at him, at his smoldering eyes and whispered, "I believe you." With that, she leaned forward, pressing their lips together firmly.