Disclaimer: I don't own Nyota / Spock or the Academy

Thanks to my Beta Reader Notes from the Classroom

This is a sequel to "Descartes Error"...but I will try to make it understandable without having read Descartes. If you want the gist of Descartes just read Breakdown/Absolution, Shattered/Appearance of Impropriety/The Vulcan comes out and you'll get the gist of their romance. Of course, I like Love Bites/Lost in Translation a lot myself. And Schindler, Sugihar, Bhat and Kalanel. (All of these chapters are relatively short. I hardly ever write more than 3,000 words at a time.)

Bonded

It began in the pit of Nyota's stomach, a seed of cold that germinated into long tendrils of dread. It spread from there to her chest and up her throat. She physically shivered.

What was wrong with her? Was this an anxiety attack? She did not get anxiety attacks. The very idea was repellent to her.

She looked to the windows of the lecture hall, half expecting to see thunder clouds outside...perhaps a change in air pressure was to blame...but almost mockingly it was an unusually bright, clear sunny day.

She lost focus on the lecturer's words and began to lecture herself.

Nyota, you do not get anxiety attacks. You do not get anxiety attacks.

You cannot get anxiety attacks if you're going to be a communications officer on the bridge of a starship, Nyota!

And then the fear gradually changed to anger. The cold feeling turned to heat and she wanted to physically attack someone. She sat at her desk and breathed deeply.

"Nyota, are you alright?" Cadet Ashanti Patel whispered from the seat next to her.

"I'm fine," she hissed.

Hearing Ashanti's sharp intake of breath, Nyota brought her hand to her forehead and whispered, "I'm sorry."

The lecturer's eyes shot in their direction. Nyota bit back an urge to yell at him.

What was wrong with her? She wanted to kill. Better than being afraid, she thought ruefully.

Her jaw clenched. Her breathing did not return to normal. She did her best not to squirm, tap her feet, or jiggle her stylus on her PADD. She just had to make it without exploding until the lecture was over.

As soon as the bell chimed she bolted out of her seat. She did not pause to say goodbye to Ashanti. She was afraid it might come out a scream.

Exiting the lecture hall she caught her breath. There was Spock, standing in the corridor, arms parked behind his back, his face completely unreadable. There was no playful quirk of his lips, no tilt of his head, no flirtatious eyebrow.

The anger turned to dread again in a heart beat. This was not good.

"Cadet Uhura, please come with me," he said as cadets streamed out into the hall around her.

She nodded dumbly. Turning on his heel he started to walk briskly down the hall. Nyota tried to get in step with him and found herself having to nearly jog to keep up.

"Lieutenant Commander, where are we..." she began.

"Please refrain from questioning me," he said in a voice that she hadn't heard in months...not since...

Abruptly he turned into a small dark conference room. It was really only the size of an overgrown closet. It was primarily used by visiting professors to counsel students. There was a small table with soft padded chairs around it. There were no windows. And more importantly...

She saw Spock visually confirm that there were no cameras. Typically they weren't in offices like this; they tended to be mainly in public areas...but he was checking.

Seemingly satisfied, Spock turned and faced her, putting his arms behind his back. The situation might have been slightly erotic -- alone with him in an unmonitored room. If the door wasn't open...

"Computer, please close and lock door," Spock said.

His manner was so stiff that she didn't break from standing at attention.

"Nyota..."

Her body relaxed; this was a personal conversation after all. Why did she still have a lump in her throat?

She took a step towards him, "Yes?"

Looking down at the ground, he took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. She could see that he was trying to maintain his calm.

She brought a hand up to touch his cheek and he drew back.

Lifting his eyes to meet hers, he said with icy reserve, "Nyota, I have been accused of professional misconduct. Specifically of being in an inappropriate relationship with you."

Nyota's heart stopped. "What? Based on what evidence?"

"My behavior before your delivery of the transmission was deemed inappropriate by the Vulcan Interspecies Council. Apparently they requested I be questioned by Commander Sharpton...and put under observation no matter what the outcome of that questioning."

Put under observation? To have his movements and conversations monitored by comm no matter whether he was guilty or not. She'd heard it described as worse than jail time.

"You touched my wrist!"

"No doubt that is not the only transgression they deem me guilty of committing," Spock said softly. Did his voice reverberate slightly in anger as he said that?

Nyota remembered the time he had taken on members of the Vulcan Science Academy a year ago, how he dared voice the opinion that humans might not be inferior. She remembered they'd taken offense to his presentation style that day...his presentation style! They saw it as theater and unbecoming of a Vulcan.

Then there was Tyback...the 'disadvantaged' Vulcan the Council did not approve of. She and Spock had befriended Tyback and basically assured that he would be accepted into Starfleet.

...and Spock's name was on her paper that indirectly questioned whether the adoption of Surak's teachings weren't motivated by biology rather than conscious choice...

What had T'Lan said? Something to the effect that it wasn't what Spock did...it was what he was...a successful Vulcan human hybrid and therefore a threat.

But still...

"This is ridiculous!" she said. "There must be a way out of this."

"If I were to go forward and publicly deny their accusations, yes, there might be a way out. Nyota, I could not..."

He stopped, bowed his head. She saw his jaw clenching. "Forgive me, Nyota, I cannot."

She swallowed. Had he confessed? Were their careers in jeopardy?

"Your career and reputation is secure," he said as if in response to her thoughts. "As is mine. The Commander...I confessed to nothing, but neither could I deny. She has taken it upon herself to deny the charges. Nonetheless, an observation period is almost a foregone conclusion."

His Vulcan reserve and maybe his near inability to lie had prevented him from going forward and publicly denying the accusations. If he had gone public, even with a denial--that attention might have been worse for her career, she realized. He'd probably saved what she had of a reputation...and taken all the weight upon himself.

Observation. Nyota swallowed again. "For how long?"

"I do not know." His jaw was clenched even as he spoke and his nostrils flared. "They will be meeting and discussing my case in approximately one hour and fifteen minutes."

He took a deep breath. "Obviously, we will have to forgo the physical nature of our relationship until the observation period is over. And communication between us...will be necessarily limited. In addition, it is not just our reputations on the line any more. The Commander's is as well. We are under direct orders to not 'fuck up'."

His voice was laced with venom as he spoke. Nyota was sure he was not angry with the Commander, but the situation was intolerable and unjust.

"Nyota, I would understand," he stopped and took a deep breath, "if you decided that you no longer want to continue this relationship..."

Her brow furrowed; she inhaled sharply. How dare he presume she was so weak? "Spock..."

"Let me finish." His head tilted, his jaw was tight, his eyes burned. "You are human...and we are not officially bonded; we are not permanently linked..."

Was this about her weakness or his need to bond? She snapped, "Then bond with me. Now."

His mouth dropped. She saw something in his gaze. Desire? Anger? He took a step towards her, so that their bodies were almost touching. "Now is not an ideal time..." he whispered, his voice rough.

She put her hands on his chest. Met his eyes. "There may be no other ideal time for a long while, my Spock."

He looked away for a moment and then turned to face her. He took a deep breath and she felt a trembling beneath her hand as he exhaled.

"Are you sure you want this?" He asked. "You would risk this for me?"

Was she sure? She was barely twenty one years old. "Yes," she said. She was surprised by how assured her voice sounded. "Yes, I'm sure."

He brought his hand up to touch her face, stroked her cheek gently -- but with the back of his fingertips only. That was odd. He was not establishing an empathetic link right away. Maybe because he needed to save his strength for the mind meld?

She didn't question. Lacing one arm around his back and one behind his neck she pulled his head in for a kiss.

He responded hungrily. Their mouths moved together and he gently broke through the walls of her lips with his tongue, as always slightly dry and fever hot. Even after such a long time together she was still sometimes shocked by how inhumanly warm he was. His taste, his warmth; it made her core go hot.

His fingers danced down the side of her cheek, still with the pads facing away from her.

He pulled back from the kiss too quickly. "You must give me a minute."

Letting her arms drop, she nodded.

He backed away from her and turned away.

Staring at his back she listened as he began to breathe deeply -- in for fourteen seconds, out for twenty four...

She didn't know how long she stood there. Starting to get anxious, she moved towards him slowly.

Turning around, he swallowed. His face was still tense, his jaw still clenched. "Now is the only time..." he murmured. He took a deep breath and reached towards her with an outstretched hand.

She walked into his fingertips. Felt his hand come down in an unfamiliar way on her temple, her cheek, her chin...

And then she felt...nothing.

He was staring directly in her eyes. He was holding back, shielding her, she knew. "Nyota, I do not know if...now..."

He didn't have to worry. She would show him.

Setting her jaw she closed her eyes and nudged, just as she had their first night together. She let herself imagine her mind slipping across the bridge of his fingers...

It was not a good idea.

Spock had never melded with her before. They had always shared emotions and physiological states through a simple empathetic link at the temples or the fingertips.

This was different.

She felt herself falling into his thoughts, into him...

And it was a very dark place.

Below her was a Vulcan boy. Her fists were raining down on him, bludgeoning him over and over. There were bruises on his eyes, his lips were bleeding, and she did not stop. Would not stop. Her vision was black and green and hazy; she wanted to pummel the boy until...until...

Arms wrapped around her waist and lifted her from the other boy; she struggled against the arms, struggled to grab the boy...

In the desert a monster...she wanted to kill...must not want...wanted to kill....

A committee of old men, her father, "...your disadvantage..." She wanted to scream, wanted to rip them to pieces, standing still as though it was all alright...letting her tongue twist to say words calmly and smoothly as a snake...

Lieutenant Commander Patrick O'Hara dancing with...her...across the room. Across a desert. Unable to touch...hands clenching...heart burning...

A man sitting across from her at a bar...trying to take her away. Wanting...it is incorrect to want...wanting to cause him exquisite pain...

Commander Sharpton saying, "I knew, of course, you would have a perfectly logical explanation." If a human could do it...rage...

Staring at herself, below her, hanging onto the edge of a cliff above blackness and green. Watching her legs dangle, her face twist. "Nyota," said the voice that wasn't her own. That was Spock. So angry...vision black and green...fury...madness...so angry and trying to reach, "Nyota...."

The vision of her began to slip...fingers from the rock. Building rage...building panic...why couldn't her hands reach, grab hold of herself...fury at herself...no, it was Spock's fury at himself...

She watched the vision of herself losing hold of the cliff and falling into darkness and green.

A primordial cry of rage and anguish ripped through her chest.

x x x x x x x x x

She was encircled by warm arms behind her back, beneath her knees. Her head rested against something firm and warm. She shifted.

"Nyota?"

She knew where she was. She was in Spock's arms. She hadn't been there for weeks. So warm. So pleasant. Just nice to be home.

"Nyota? Please forgive me."

She opened her eyes. Smiled. "Spock." Lifted a hand to his face.

"Nyota?" He removed the hand from beneath her knees and brought it to her temples. She felt a wave of relief wash through her.

Relieved? Why was he so relieved? And then it all came back to her. She looked around; they were still in the small conference room. Spock was sitting with her on a chair.

"Are we bonded?"

She knew the answer the moment she asked. He looked down at her. She felt a sensation of anguish rush through the link. "We are not," she said so he wouldn't have to.

"I have failed," he replied. "I..."

"Shhhhhhh....Spock....it will be alright." She felt a headache begin to settle into her forehead, felt her stomach start to drop. "We'll be fine. You'll see. I'm not ready to give up."

Pressing her tightly to his chest he said softly, "We don't have much time...another ten minutes and I must leave..."

She nodded numbly. Her eyes were dry. She had no tears. She just wanted to bury herself into him. She pressed her face more tightly against him. Then she remembered there was something he might like more.

Pulling herself a bit away from his body, she reached up and grabbed the back of his head. Bringing his forehead down to touch hers, she heard his breath hitch.

Tears began to burn in her eyes. She closed her eyes tightly and held them back. She would not let herself cry.

After a time that was both indefinitely long and far too short, he whispered, "I must go."

She nodded and stood; the arm around her back did not leave her. Standing beside her he looked down at her for a moment and kissed her too gently.

He swallowed and nodded, eyes locked on her the whole time, hardly blinking.

Her back was to the door. He stepped to the side and away from her abruptly.

"Computer, unlock and open door," Spock said.

Turning, she watched the set of his shoulders and the points of his ears as he walked down the hall, never once looking back.

And then he was gone.

A/N:

Hi everyone -

This is a very angsty chapter...but I am a true believer in life being both sweet and sour. Promise to work realistic humor into following chapters. And even when Spock and Nyota are apart I'll be sure to work in some Spock and Nyota together goodness.

Reviews are like credits for us FanFiction writers. If you read and enjoyed, please let me know.