Chapter 4

Tonks liked St. Mungo's as a patient even less than she did as a visitor. The food was decidedly bland, the beds were oddly uncomfortable and everyone stared at her all the time.

They stared because she was famous. She had been in the Ministry the night Lord Voldemort returned, and she had fought Death Eaters there. The Daily Prophet was full of articles about almost everyone who had been involved. Harry and Dumbledore were vindicated, Mad-Eye Moody regained a measure of his dignity, and Kingsley became even more of a sensation. Tonks received special attention, however, because of whom she'd been injured by and who had not made it out of the building.

Her most hated aunt had murdered her famous, now forgiven, cousin. Tonks had only the bare bones of memories from the actual fight, but she'd seen the pure madness in Bellatrix's eyes as they'd dueled. There was an unholy joy in the madwoman's expression when she'd wounded her niece, and it multiplied tenfold when she'd laid eyes on Sirius dueling side by side with Harry Potter.

Tonks knew, beyond a doubt, that she was alive today because Bellatrix LeStrange thought it would be more fun to kill Sirius Black than some long denied family member. She also had a feeling that her cousin's death had given Bellatrix a taste for murdering family members she viewed as aberrant.

The worst part of St. Mungo's was that there was nothing to distract her from those kinds of thoughts. Visiting hours were short, and all her few visitors wished to speak of was the battle. At night, the portraits whispered to one another and Tonks dreamt of being lost in the Forbidden Forest while wolves howled all around her.

Her parents came every day and spoke of anything but current affairs. Kingsley came once or twice to tell her that they needed her as soon as she was ready. Moody avoided St. Mungo's except on business, so she was not surprised by his absence. And Remus didn't come.

On the fourth day, when she was finally allowed out of bed for short periods of time, Lucinda came to see her. Tonks was pacing the room when her friend entered, and waved her to the chair beside the bed.

"Is this why you've been so strange?" Lucy asked without any preamble. "Because of You-Know-Who?"

"Yes," said Tonks. "I'm sorry. I couldn't tell anyone."

"It's horrible, is what it is," Lucy said. "My parents want me to apply for the liaison position and transfer to Canada!"

"Do you want to run?" Tonks said before she thought about it. She winced.

"Yes!" Lucy exclaimed. "I want to run as fast as I can!"

"Oh." Tonks had been prepared for any number of reactions to her careless question, but that had not been one of them.

"You're an Auror, Tonks," Lucy said. "You're trained for this. I can barely deflect a bat bogey hex."

Tonks looked at her, and knew that it was true. Feelings of pity, understanding and, strangely, jealousy, boiled inside her. She envied her friend's self-awareness.

"I'll put in a word for you," Tonks said finally. International transfers required a recommendation from a high profile Department, and Tonks was qualified to give one. "For your transfer, I mean."

Lucy smiled weakly at her and twisted her hand in her lap.

"Just......when we win, promise me you'll come back?"

"Of course!" Lucy said. "It's cold in Canada, and all their Tradeable Goods come from flying reindeer."

They laughed, and it was almost like old times. Then, Lucy fixed her with an odd look.

"There is a lad, though, isn't there?" she said. "I know it."

"Yes." Tonks smiled, and said it for the first time out loud. "There's a lad."

St. Mungo's had a sterile sort of smell to it. Nothing had the aroma it ought to. It was almost as though the cleaning spells leeched proper scents along with dirt, leaving everything smelling as though it had forgotten what to be. Tonks took the Muggle Underground home because she liked it. It was alive, in its own fashion, with gusts of wind from passing trains, the hum of the escalators and the sheer mass of London Commuters who rode on it. It smelled a great deal, though Tonks wasn't entirely sure she wanted to know what of.

Her flat was on a quiet street a few blocks from King's Cross. Most people took the bus, but Tonks enjoyed the walk. The streets were lined with restaurants and tiny shops. There were Muggles everywhere, and Tonks could lose herself amongst them. Her long purple hair drew few second glances in the crowd. She paused in front of one of her favourite pizza places, remembering that she hadn't been home in a week, but then recalled that she'd spent the last of her Muggle money on the Underground fare, and would have to come back after she'd been home.

She turned on to her street. It was mostly quiet in the evenings, once the tenants returned from work. Long white tenements lined both sides of the street in a chain broken only by small side alleys that led to the parking spots around back. The monotony of the colour was relieved only by the occasional brightly painted door, but in the dark they all looked black. At the end of the street, looking like the ends of the Earth, was the park, trees shaded by the night. Her flat was on the upper story of the row, about halfway down. The windows all faced the seldom used parking area to the rear, which was just as well for the number of times her attempt at Sunday lunch ended in unexpected fireworks displays.

She unlocked the shared front door with her wand, having lost her key again, and walked up the stairs. Someone had baked a cake, the smell wafting up from the Muggle apartment below to fill the stairwell that served as her front walk. Her door was enchanted with considerable protection spells, but she was so used to them that she disabled her precautions without paying attention.

The smell when she opened her door was wrong.

The air was musty, but not nearly as musty as she had expected given her long absence. It was as though something had stirred it up and then the must had resettled into new places. Tonks stepped into the kitchen, her wand out, but everything looked right. The scent, coppery and thick for all it taunted the very edges of her senses, pulled her forwards.

She went into the den. It was dark here, the drawn curtains blocking the light from outside. Tonks's tongue felt heavy and dry, but she croaked out the simplest spell she knew.

"Lumos!"

Blue light blossomed on the edge of her wand and spread out to fill the room. She concentrated on the dark blue light and it began to brighten. Her furniture was exactly where she'd left it, not even a tassel out of place. She turned slowly in the centre of the room, her eyes traveling across the hearth and the blue-washed chairs. Her white walls, empty of her posters since her change in cover story, gleamed pale blue.

She turned to face the last wall, where the table stood with her radio on it, underneath the place of honour where her favourite poster used to hang. What she saw now sucked all the air from her newly healed body, from the entire room. Only her training kept her wand her in hand and the room from plunging into sudden darkness.

The letters were so dark in the blue light that they were almost black. She knew that in daylight, they would be red, wet and dripping red against the blankness of the wall. For the first time since before she'd entered Hogwarts, Tonks felt her body change under its own volition. The colour leeched out of her hair, and she could feel it drain from her skin as well. Her long hair retracted, leaving only thin, grey remnants lying limply against her scalp. The skin of her hands chapped and cracked, and she didn't need a mirror to know that her face was now deeply lined from stress and her eyes ringed with tired circles.

"I killed Sirius Black!"

It took her seconds to read the message and less that that to understand it and react purely on instinct, but it felt like the longest moments of her entire life. The words scrawled on her walls filled up her thoughts, blanking out everything except the voice that screamed "Never drop your wand!"

Without thinking of her destination, or of how dangerous it was, Tonks Disapparated.

She knew where she was the moment her vision cleared. She had no idea how she managed it, because until she'd appeared on his doorstep, she had no idea where he lived. But she was too distracted to think about anything like that, so she settled for knocking frantically on the door until he let her in.

He was surprised to see her, obviously, and she knew she looked a fright, but that didn't stop him from putting his arms around her when it finally came crashing in on her. He held her so tightly, so recklessly, that she let herself go and fell to pieces on his sofa. She knew that at any moment, his barriers would go back up, and they would simply be comrades again. Instead, she heard him whisper and was sure she must have misheard.

"You can stay as long as you like."

She looked up at him, surprised, and saw something entirely unfamiliar flash across his face. And then he was kissing her. She felt a measure of her fear dissipate, finding strength in not being alone. Her hair lengthened and thickened around his hands as he pressed her forward into his kiss. She responded in kind, shifting closer to him, dropping her guard for the first time in what felt like forever.

There was a passion in him that she had not anticipated, running wild but buried deep within him. She felt it surge now, and realized that once it would have frightened her. But tonight she had seen real fear, and knew that nothing from him could possibly match it.

Suddenly, the fire in him was quelled and he pushed her away. She saw the remains of something wolfish driven from his eyes to be replaced by a melancholy doubt. They were both breathing hard, but his barriers were back in place and she felt horrifically exposed.

She could never remember afterwards the words he'd said, only the dispassionate way in which he'd said them. She found herself leaving, abruptly, again with no real destination in mind. He was only too relieved to be rid of her.

She called in enough of her wits to picture her parents' garden, and then she Disapparated. Her father was gone, and she was grateful to be spared the ordeal of explaining herself to both parents at once. Her mother's sympathy and shared horror was almost too much for her to bear as she recounted what had happened since she'd left the hospital. Andromeda let her pour out the story without interruption, and when it was over, provided comfort in the place of judgment or platitudes. Finally, after another strong cup of tea, Tonks went to bed in her old room, surrounded by all the things she used to take comfort in.

This time, when she dreamt of being lost in the Forest, there was no sound but the wind.

Ted Tonks said nothing of his daughter's presence at breakfast the following morning, and Tonks wondered which details her mother has passed along. As she was adding more sugar to her porridge, a Ministry owl arrived in the kitchen. It was from Kingsley, asking if she felt up to coming in today.

Her mother and father said nothing. She knew that whatever she did, she would have their support.

Tonks sent the owl back without a reply. She would deliver her answer in person. She was an Auror and there were Dark Wizards to be caught.

There was work to do.

finis

AN: And that is how Tonks loses control over her powers. Or so I like to believe, anyway. Remus is a contributing factor, obviously, but not he source.

I hope you all enjoyed Part Two! Look for Part Three…soon(ish).

Gravity_Not_Included, September 28, 2009