Plot : "Eiri… As I said, there's never been any singer called Shindou Shuichi. I don't work for some record company. You never wrote any book. You've never been to New-York. There is no Yuki Kitazawa. All those things exist only in your head. It's just your imagination playing tricks on you. Nothing more."

Disclaimer: Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's, they say. Alright, alright, here's Gravitation, Murakami! ;-)

Please bear in mind that I'm French, hence the English mistakes!

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CHAPTER 1.

White… Too much white… So much white it makes me feel dizzy… My head… My body… Everything seems so heavy…

I blink and rub my eyes.

My vision is blurry but I can see Tohma and Mika smiling blissfully at me as if I was some newborn baby in a cradle.

"Thank God, Eiri… You're finally awake! Are you ok?"

"My head hurts like hell, but otherwise, looks like I'm still in one piece." I sneer. " Guess I could do with a beer or two, though."

Relief washes over them and they both let out a little laugh.

"It's good to see you're back to your old self."

I look around me. IV bottles, electrocardiogram machine… How the hell did I land here?

"What am I doing here? What happened?"

Tohma takes my hand and I recognize the fake smile on his face. His "Don't even try to argue with me" smile.

"It doesn't matter, we'll discuss this later. You need to rest now, Eiri."

I hate him when he's like that. I hate it when he hides things from me. I hate it when he treats me like a child.

"Seguchi, don't fuck with me! Just tell me what happened!"

His smile vanishes.

"Eiri…"

Suddenly, fear overtakes me. I knew something was missing! Where are you? You're always stuck to me like glue. If anything bad had really happened to me, you wouldn't have left me alone in a hospital. You would have stayed by my side. You would have held my hand. You would have cried your heart out. So if you're not there…

"Where is Shu?" I ask slowly.

Tohma releases my hand and frowns.

A bunch of horrible scenarios jostle in my head. We've been involved in a car accident, I survived and you didn't. Or for some weird reason, we've had an argument and I ended up shooting you like I shot… Oh no…

"Don't tell me something happened to him… Don't tell me he's…"

I can't even finish my sentence. My entire body is shaking and there's nothing I can do against it. And the concerned look Mika and Tohma exchange surely doesn't help.

"Eiri… There's never been any Shindou. Never." Tohma says, coldly.

How dare he say that?! I feel my cheeks get red with anger.

"What the fuck?! If this is some kind of joke, then it's a really tasteless one! Just because you've always hated him doesn't allow you to deny his existence. I already told you, there's nothing you can do that will make me stop loving him, so what are you playing at, Seguchi?! Next you're gonna tell me that I've never published any book or that I've never killed Kitazawa, is that what you're gonna say?!"

Mika gasps and her eyes fill with tears. Tohma looks shocked. He sits in the chair next to the bed and rubs the bridge of his nose. He then glances at Mika, who nods encouragingly. He lets out a long sigh and looks back at me. I can see a look of disappointment in his eyes.

"Listen, Eiri… As I said, there's never been any singer called Shindo Shuichi. I don't work for some record company. I'm a real estate agent and your sister here works in a nursery. You came and lived with us after your parents and your brother died in a car accident when you were sixteen. You were a brilliant literature student before you decided to give up your studies two years ago. You've got a part-time job at a library. You never wrote any book. You've never been to New-York. There is no Yuki Kitazawa. All those things exist only in your head, Eiri. It's just your imagination playing tricks on you. Nothing more."

Nothing. More. Is that so?

He erases my whole life –twenty-three odd years- in a few words and all he can say is "Nothing more"? I nearly expect someone to enter the room and tell me "Smile, you're on Candid Camera!" but nothing happens. Just a heavy silence, and Tohma and Mika looking at me as if I had just escaped from the asylum. That's too much. I can't hold my anger any longer.

"Liar!" I scream, sitting up in the bed and ripping off my IV lines.

"Eiri, please, calm down!" Tohma shouts, pinning me roughly to the bed. "Mika, fetch a nurse!"

No matter how hard I try to struggle, I feel like my whole body is going numb and my strength fails me.

The nurse comes and makes Mika and Tohma get out of the room. Before I can protest, she pricks me and I can feel the liquid pumping slowly in my veins.

Soon, my body relaxes and I can hear Tohma's voice from the corridor. He's yelling at a doctor. Not only does he think I've lost my mind, he also thinks I've gone deaf.

"He's delirious again!"

"Schizophrenia can never be completely cured, you know…"

"Of course I know that! I'm not stupid! But his state had considerably improved! He hadn't mentioned all those things for such a long time! Now it just looks like years of psychotherapy have been wasted in a split second!"

"Mister Seguchi… Eiri just came out of coma. We couldn't administer his treatment during those five days, so it's not really a surprise that he's talking nonsense again. You should already be glad that his brain and body capacities are not damaged. Some people are less lucky than that. Does the term 'brain death' speak to you?"

"You're right… I'm sorry, Doctor… It's just it's so… I don't know… We've been dealing with this problem for years… We really did our best… And now all our efforts are negated… What can we do?"

"Support him. Help him recover his real memories. Help him get rid of this life his mind created to escape a reality he hated. And wait. Patience is the key."

The pain is unspeakable. An invisible hand crushes my heart and every breath I take burns my lungs. I can't even fight back the tears any more. I want to believe that this is just a nightmare and that I will soon wake up, but the pain is too strong to be false. Who am I? Who are they? Who tell the truth?

A knock on the door and Mika is there again.

"Mika, don't leave me here! I don't want doctors. I don't want all this! I just want to go home. Please!" I beg her, and I would get down on my knees if she asked me to.

"Eiri… It's not that easy… Your condition requires special care and…"

"Do you really think it will be of any help for me to stay here? Don't you believe I'd be better surrounded by people who really care for me?"

She sighs and smiles a sad smile at me as she raises her hand to caress my cheek.

"Alright, honey. I'll talk to Tohma. But I'm not sure the doctors will let you go that easily…"

"We can always ask a private duty nurse to look after me at home…"

She nods and leaves the room.

Two hours and many recommendations later, we're leaving the hospital. I am weak and my legs feel like they are going to give way any time but I don't say anything. I'm too afraid Tohma and Mika change their mind.

I rummage through my coat pockets and I'm relieved that my pack of cigarettes is still there. I need my hit of nicotine. Badly. I pop one cigarette into my mouth and take my lighter out of the other pocket.

"Don't start with that shit again, Eiri," Tohma lectures me, taking the cigarette out of my mouth.

But I don't pay attention to him, I only focus on my lighter. There is no purikura (1) stuck on it. I don't know what I still was expecting.

(1) Purikura (shortened form of "purinto kurabu" "print club") are photo stickers you can take in "special" photo booths. The one mentioned here is obviously that cute picture Eiri & Shuichi took in the amusement park. :)

Thanks for reading!