A/N: Welcome to the world of Pour Etre Vrai, for those folks that do not know French, that would be "To Be True." This isn't your average Jasper/Bella pairing. I'm not going to make anyone a bad guy. So, this isn't a "Edward and Alice get caught having an affair and Jasper and Bella get together" or an "Edward is too controlling and Alice is a snob" story, either. This is a story about how low people will go when they've been broken. I tried to keep this story pretty in character and is set about four years after the end of Breaking Dawn. The story evolves around being desperate, distraught, guilty, and searching for things blindly. This isn't going to be a "lemony" filled story, although the story is based around an affair. I don't believe that saying "insert slot a into slot b" is necessary to get the emotions behind their love life. I truly hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing this. And if you feel so inclined, a review would be lovely.

Also, I put a lot of effort into a playlist to go along with the story, it doesn't really matter what songs you play with what chapter, but the music definitely sets the mood for this story. The playlist is the last chapter, if you'd like to listen to the music on project playlist or youtube, you should.

Rated T for mild language and mentioning of adult situations.

If I could have gotten drunk instead, I would have. If I could have gone outside and taken a drag of a cigarette, I would have. Hell, even sleep would have been something. But, with my perfect body, I couldn't even do that. No escape was given to my perfect life. I could only wallow in it. It'd been five years since I was changed, five years since anything had changed. Twenty-three years old, and if I looked in the mirror everyday, I would always see the same face. My husband looked at me with the same eyes he had the day we met, and my beautiful daughter was always happy. And from the outside, it looked like I was happy, too. I had everything I wanted. I wanted to become this, I wanted eternity with Edward, I was happy when I found out I was pregnant. I had a best friend that would do anything for me. A mother and father in law that loved me just as much as if I were their own. A beautiful house, a beautiful car; everything was perfect.

Why was I breaking down on the inside then? Because everything was far too perfect. I wanted some humanity back. I wanted to wake up (ha, too bad there was nothing ever to wake up from) to my hair being a disarray and out of place. How could you make love for hours and look the exact the same way you had when you started? I wanted Edward to fight with me about something. I wanted Renesmee to have temper tantrums. Anything normal, anything average. This, this was almost crazy how right everything was going. Maybe I'm masochistic, but at least it would be real, to feel some pain. Because at that point, I felt nothing. I wanted to feel the clumsiness and recklessness I was accustomed to, I wanted to forget about everything for 8 hours a night. When I got embarrassed or angry, I wanted my cheeks to flush scarlet, my eyes to water up with tears. All of these were ways to vent back then, back when I was human. Now, I never got a chance to collect myself, I always had to put that smiling face on, for everyone, all of the time. I had no escape and I was screaming on the inside, and then I found him.

I remember when I had loved this life, it took me a few years to realize what I had done. I was as happy as I made myself look. The never ending love from Edward back then was a god send, I was still so insecure. I knew better now, I was beautiful. Just as beautiful as Alice. Better looking than Rosalie, even. I hated myself for it. Why had my curves filled out just a slight bit more, enough to give me the body I never needed nor wanted, but the body that men craved? There was a time when I bathed in the happiness of the world around me. The Volturi had left, leaving me with my happily ever after. I hated that I was a fairy tale. I felt guilty, angry, upset, horrified, and lonely all at once and this is why Edward's love was more like a curse. He never saw the pain, he only saw my smiles. He only felt my kisses, never the resentment. It was like the world was putting a sick joke on me. Poor little rich girl, that is all I was. Everything was perfect and yet I still found something to complain about. I tried my hardest to give him the passion he exerted into me, and to be honest, for such a terrible actress, I seemed to doing a very good job. If he knew that every touch he gave me, I felt more heartache than pleasure. That every touch I gave him made my mind warped with disgust in myself, he'd die inside. I loved him enough to never want that. I loved him enough to want him to think I was happy. I loved him enough to want to see his smile. It was the only thing I didn't mind not changing, his beautiful crooked grin would always be mine.

In the beginning, when all was still well, Jasper was always by my side. Soaking in all of my radiating happiness. I was so happy back then, I was empowered, joyous, delighted in every way. I grew quite fond of his presence and basked in his happiness too. We had become a duo of friendship and understanding. Always there for the other. I guess I had forgotten he was an empath when I was going through all of my self loathing and guilt, because I was completely surprised when he wasn't sitting next to me on the couch anymore, when he wasn't trying to save me from the shopping trips Alice was planning, or attacking Emmett when he was making yet another sex joke. In fact, it seemed like he was going out of his way just to avoid me.

I asked Edward what was wrong with Jasper, and he gave me a slightly exasperated look, "He's been translating every history book he's read into every language he's learned for the last three weeks." Realization hit me then, Jasper was trying to hide the emotions I was feeling for Edward's sake. He was trying to keep my façade up too, so everyone could be happy. He, better than anyone ever could, understood my pain. I had to thank him somehow, but for then, I decided stretching my shield to him would be enough. Edward smiled when he realized he couldn't hear him anymore and we walked into the cottage for another night of lies.

The night it started, everyone had gone hunting except for Jasper, myself, my beautiful Nessie, and Jacob. This was the only chance I would ever get to thank Jasper for keeping my feelings to himself, my only chance to tell him how sorry I was that he had to feel everything I was feeling, too. Sorry that he had to hurt as I did. I asked Jacob if he would stay in my cottage while I went on some late errands, to make sure that if Nessie woke up she wouldn't be alone. Of course, he was more than willing to do this, he would never question what errands could be run at one in the morning. I made my way up to the Cullen Mansion and Jasper was sitting on the steps of the porch reading some history book about, none other than, the civil war. He gave me a slight smile as I made my way up to sit next to him before returning to his book. I sighed, I didn't need the air, but it still felt refreshing to have the gust of wind fill up my dead lungs, to prepare for what I was about to say.

"Why are you nervous?" Of course, he could feel the anxiety fill me up, but of course, he wouldn't know why.

"I'm really sorry, Jasper, for everything."

He smiled again, but this time he put his book down to look me in the eyes.

"I just want to know why you're upset, even guilty all of the time. It's killing me having to hide it from Edward."

"Don't worry about hiding it, I've been shielding you for a week or so."

"Oh" That was all he muttered. I realized he was waiting for my explanation, how could I tell him though? How could I tell him that I hated everything that my life had become, that I missed the uncertainty humanity gave me, that I missed wondering if Edward would always love me? He would rightfully think I was insane. I truly was losing my grip on the strings I had left of my sanity.

"Don't be embarrassed, Bella, I promise I'll try my best to understand." I remembered the first time I looked at him with vampire eyes, accessing every scar that covered his body. At least he wasn't perfect, at least he had some imperfection that gave him an ounce of humanity, some real aspects to his beauty, some flaws. I was just beautiful, the only scars I had when I was human that came with me in this life were two crescents on my wrist, he had hundreds of them covering his entire body. Maybe he would understand was the last thought I processed before speaking.

"I don't want to be perfect anymore, Jasper. I want to feel pain. I want to fight, cry, blush. I want to be able to wind down." He looked at me with eyes that begged me to continue, so I did. "I've always been average, I've always been clumsy and reckless and insecure. When I gave up on being human, I never thought I'd be giving up that for him as well. I characterized myself with those qualities, and now I don't have them. I'm not myself anymore. I love being a mother, I love being his wife and yet, it's not enough anymore. I want to have some misery other than the kind I give myself. Pathetic, right? How does anyone not know?"

"Bella, I only knew because it's my gift. You seem so exuberant all the time."

"I never meant for this to happen. I'm running out of energy to keep this charade up. This is the first time I've even said out loud how I feel, and I just want to shout it at everyone. But, I'm forced to pretend to keep everyone else happy."

"I understand," he whispered and took my face into his hands, "More than you'll ever know."

If my heart was still beating, it would have been soaring out of my chest, if blood still pumped through my veins, my cheeks would have been brushed with red. And then I realized something, he could feel my blush, he could feel my heart going erratic, because he could feel them in my emotions. He flooded me with his right back. It was understanding, it was sadness, it was joy, it was lust. I looked at him with knowing eyes and grabbed his hand and led him into Edward's old room, no longer occupied since we moved into the cottage. It was the only room in the house with a bed.

I remember visibly shaking as his lips kissed mine, my jaw line, my throat…all the way to my collar bone and him lingering there wondering what he should do with my shirt. It didn't take me long to rip it off myself. It didn't take him long to swiftly take his off either. I placed my fingers on his marble chest, admiring every scar he had, tracing them with my fingers before kissing them. He rolled his head back halfway in pleasure, halfway in disgust, as I did this, thinking out loud, "How could you be feeling admiration towards this?" He was pointing towards the part of him that attracted me the most.

"Because they're beautiful," I murmured into his skin before unbuttoning his jeans. He let out a moan that was more of a growl before he pushed me onto the bed and took mine off in one fluid movement. Edward would have never done this. Edward wouldn't have ever pushed me, and he definitely wouldn't have ever rolled me on my stomach and grabbed my hair as he forcefully entered my body. He would only treat me as porcelain, he would always be gentle, as if he were holding onto the finest jewels known to man. I looked into the mirror that was in front of me, and I watched him carefully. His face was a mirror of my own: broken and in pain, sewn together with giving up and an absolute need for the other's body. In that moment, no one would have ever known that we weren't human, that we were something much, much less. I hadn't felt this real in so long, how could I ever let this go? He sensed my longing and whipped me around to face him, "I haven't felt like this in a long time either." After that he crushed his lips onto mine and we were back in our entwined embrace and with each thrust I couldn't help but to gasp, to moan, to whisper his name. To make love to someone and actually enjoy it? I had forgotten what it was like. And with him, it was still so different. I wasn't his beautiful wife, I wasn't his reason for existence, his life did not balance on me, I was just Bella. He saw me as what I wanted to be: a miserable, clumsy, human girl. I was proving myself to be clumsy by falling into bed with him, making this mistake by loving his body.

Was I crazy? Yes. But, I did not want to stop. Alice would never know about this, because neither of us had planned it. But how were we to keep this up? Edward was easy, all I had to do was keep blocking Jasper's thoughts. He wouldn't think anything of it, just that I was trying to keep his miseries away from Edward, some privacy. But Alice? Having Jacob around would always take her edge away, but she was so attuned to Jasper and I, that alone would never be enough. I would just have to continue to be clumsy, continue to be reckless, throwing myself at Jasper only when the chance was right, never thinking of it, only doing it.

The sun was just making it's way up when we had finally stopped. Five hours in one night, you would think it would be enough, but it wasn't. I had a feeling I would never have enough time with him. I was laying on his chest, still absentmindedly tracing his scars when he first spoke, "She ignores them, she looks right over them. She pretends they don't exist. Sometimes she turns around as I'm getting undressed." I didn't need him being an empath to feel the pain and sadness wash over him as he said those words. I couldn't imagine not being accepted by my other half. Edward would have accepted me with any flaws that I had, problem was I just didn't have them…until now. And I was pretty sure he wouldn't have accepted this. Along with the fact that I wanted to continue this. I loved him so much, and I felt a bit guilty for this. At least I had insecurity back, maybe Edward wouldn't love me anymore. But, I hadn't had something to look forward to in so long. And to be honest, I couldn't even look forward to it, Alice might have a vision about it.

I wondered if he felt the same way too, I knew he loved Alice, with all his unbeating heart. It would be silly to think otherwise. But would he have the same need that I did now? Did he have the same void that needed to be filled, or was this just something he did at the mercy of my sadness. Was his empathy becoming the worst of him? Had he felt my pain so much, that he misinterpreted it to be his own? I was alone again in my agony. He didn't feel it like I did, it wasn't his own pain that he showed me last night, just now. It was mine.

"You're wrong," he whispered into my hair, "so, so wrong." I remembered the last time he had told me this. It was about my having little self worth. "I've always felt trapped under the doors of love and family. I've only known pain and war. I always dreamed of normalcy. I have it…I hate it." We were such selfish creatures. Fucking each other just to escape the glory that was our perfect lives. I was selfish enough to lay with my husband's brother , he was selfish enough to lay with his wife's best friend. We were the scum of the earth, and I'd never felt better about myself.

We made up several rules about this affair: never ever mention his or her name, never think about it, only do it. Never let the thought of each other slip up. Go on pretending to be happy as a clam. And if we could manage this, our lives would be every bit as fucked as we needed it to be. We could be real again, we could thrive. I grabbed my clothes and got dressed, I didn't even look behind me to say good bye as I stepped out of the house and walked to my cottage. Edward wasn't home yet, I could only smell Jacob. I could hear him as well. Snoring on the floor of Renesmee's room, he looked so peaceful. He would never feel trapped by the undying love she already was showing to him, she would always want more of his attention. She may have only been five years old, but she had the body of a fifteen or sixteen year old, and a mind much wiser. She would stop aging in a year or so. My daughter would soon stop changing too. Stuck with the perfection her father and I gave her forever. She would love it though, and I was so jealous.

I changed out of my clothes and immediately put them through the washer. I would not smell like him, I wouldn't have memories flick back to that night, I wouldn't have hopes or daydreams about having another night. I hopped in the shower and was admiring the steam as it poured onto my body with it's pathetic attempt at fury. I knew the temperature would have scolded any human, probably send them to the hospital. I sadly hoped maybe it would do the same for me. But, of course, my body would never fail me in that way. It would only feel warmth and comfort. I don't know how I didn't hear him until he was only seconds away. Maybe I was too involved with my masochistic thoughts to even notice. I liked it, one more way of being like a human, not hearing everything in a half mile radius. I heard his pants drop to the floor and he hopped in the shower with me. I put on my infamous smile, but this time it wasn't as forced. How could he make me happier to be with my husband? I pulled out a little twig that had found his way into his hair, he must have had a chase with what ever he hunted last night.

"Catch anything good, baby?"

He gave me that beautiful crooked grin and nodded. "Mountain Lion." His favorite.

I looked down from his face onto the rest of his beautiful body. He was so perfect, immediately I missed the scarred torso that was Jasper's. I looked back up at his face and pressed my lips onto his. He playfully kissed back but, it didn't have nearly the same passion, the urgency, the absolute need another set of lips gave to me only a mere hour or two before. I played my role though, I made sure he was happy. And making him happy was easier when I knew that I could be happy again sometime soon too.

Jacob didn't mention my absence for the evening, didn't even think of it, and for this I was glad. Jake really was one of my best friends. He would never betray me, the only reason I hadn't told him all of the wackness that was going on in my head, was to protect him from worrying about me. Now with Renesmee, everything about Jake and I was easy. I loved him like a brother, a son. Without asking, he knew that I probably wouldn't want Edward to know what I was up to last night. He knew that I didn't want him to know either. He may have been a werewolf, but his heart was still beating, he still could break. He was another piece of humanity that I kept close to me. One that I could luckily keep for the rest of my existence.

Once Nessie woke up we walked to the main house for breakfast…well breakfast for Jacob and Nessie at least. I didn't realize how hard it would be to see Jasper with his arm around small, small Alice's shoulders, but he seemed to feel the same way, he sent me feelings of jealousy and sadness. I realized I was holding Edward's hand. Alice broke free of his grip and ran to me with all of her energetic spunk to give me a big hug and beg me to go shopping with her soon. I smiled and in mock horror cried that I would rather die. She knew this meant yes, I would go. In the corner of my eye, I could of sworn I saw Jasper hold onto his stomach as if he was going to hurl. He was a horrible actor, worse than I. I made sure that my feelings of resentment and disappointment only showed to Jasper, he quickly covered his mishap with punching Emmett in the chest. Their war stopped any stares that might have seen his reaction to Alice and I. He had to know that I wasn't some heartless monster. That when I looked into Alice's eyes, I wanted to cry. I would have, but I had no tears to shed. The only emotional release my body allowed me was him.

Shopping with Alice the next day was worse than smiling for Edward. She was just as caring and loving. If she only knew how I betrayed her.. She bought me lingerie; skimpy, scary lingerie. Forced me to try it on in front of her and told me which was the sexiest- made me promise I would wear it. It took me all of my strength not to think about who I would love to wear it for. She froze for a second and then looked at me. My heart dropped, had I thought too much? Would she see what I was planning? A smile came upon her lips, and in relief, my mouth mirrored hers.

"He's going to love it, I promise!" She winked at me before ushering me into the small cluttered changing room to try on more items. "You're going to walk in front of him and model this for him, then you will ask him if he likes it. I can't see him though, actually, you're staring at yourself in the mirror above him. And he must just nod too, because I don't hear him say anything. But you will triumphantly smile and walk towards him."

"ALICE!" I hissed. She smiled. "Don't you think it's a little weird that you're picturing me having sex with my husband?!"

She just giggled, "Don't worry, I didn't see anything after that. I'm not some sick pervert, Bella, I'm not going to be imagining that scenario over and over. I just wanted to prove I was right."

While changing into another ensemble she wanted me try on, I wondered where Edward and I would have sex that had a mirror above him. I couldn't think of anything that seemed familiar. I brushed it off and went on with the mirage of happiness for the day. Knowing what I was doing to Alice, made me love her even more. Appreciate all of her qualities. She was so sweet, and kind hearted. Jasper was so lucky to have her, even if she tried her hardest to never look at his scars. She still loved him, she probably didn't want him to feel bashful about them. She just wanted to pretend there was nothing wrong. That was normal. Most people wanted perfection. No, Jasper and I were just the ones that craved for something different.

Arriving home, seemed almost a relief. I'd already been hurting Edward for so long, it seemed easier to face him with my lies than my best friend. The night was almost perfection, Renesmee and I talked about everything she had thought through that day. Her growing crush on Jacob, how she was scared that he might not feel the same way. It was silly hearing her worry about the feelings I knew always existed. The feelings I missed. I comforted her in the fact that she was his imprint and that he would always love her. But she still felt that maybe the love wouldn't be the way she had wanted. Before she fell asleep, I asked her not to worry and that she would know I was right shortly enough. Edward silently laughed as I entered our room, obviously hearing our entire conversation. I smiled and cried out, "Why does love have to be so hard?!" The truth of the words hit me, even if I had meant them playfully. The mock sadness turned into real distress. But I kept the over dramatic face and even flung my hands into the air as if I were wailing. He laughed harder and even held onto his stomach to contain his laughter. I could only slightly chuckle. He was laughing at me and he didn't even know it.

"I remember feeling that same way though, I can't blame her. I remember feeling like once I told you something about myself, it would be too much and you'd leave. That you could never love me. I remember you feeling like you weren't enough for me, that there was something completely wrong with me loving you. How self loathing and insecure we were. And now," He opened his arms out as to point out our entire situation, "look at us. Our life is perfect and I've never felt happier." Guilt, Horror, Self Hatred. To put it mildly, that it was I felt instantly. I pressed my lips onto his and ripped off his shirt. I needed anything to relieve this guilt, I was using his body as an escape since I couldn't have the one I really wanted-no the one I needed. He took this as a celebration to the words he had just said, and went along straight with it. There was nothing out of place with these actions to him. I expected to feel better, but it just made it worse. I tried to imagine the man I was on top of was Jasper by not looking at his body, his hair. I only looked in his eyes, they were the only thing the two had in common. And I immediately was washed over with grief. How could I want someone else inside me other than my husband? I sickened myself even more and forced myself to continue what I was doing. I deserved the misery I was having. I had begged for it. If it means a few hours of despair a night, then I would deal with it. It was still better than the horror that was my life only a few days before.