The Opportunity to Be Fully Human

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager, its characters, etc. belong to Paramount.

Chapter 6

Kathryn sat nestled in Chakotay's arms, her head resting against his chest where she could hear each and every heartbeat. His face was buried in her hair, and his fingers were stroking her back tenderly. The evidence of bitter tears stained both of their faces. They were exhausted, raw with emotions, and yet they clung to each other, knowing there was no one else who understood who they really were.

No one else who fitted so perfectly into every little curve, corner, and nuance of the other's soul. A perfect match, although they themselves were far from perfect.

Kathryn heard Chakotay sigh, then draw in a deep breath. He sat up but cradled her even closer against him.

"Kathryn," he murmured. "How did we get here? To this point, I mean." She was quiet for a moment. Did she still have enough courage left for what she wanted to tell him? She lifted her head and looked in his reddened eyes, seeing the sadness and regret reflected in their ebony depths. He shouldn't have to shoulder this burden alone.

"It started with my letter from Mark," she said. Chakotay looked at her uncomprehendingly.

"I don't understand," he said, reaching out a hand and lightly brushing a strand of hair off her cheek. She felt his gentle touch on her skin and somewhere deeper at the same time. His actions were always so revealing of who he really was. She wished she had the ability to express herself so fully with every gesture.

"I've known Mark since I was in elementary school. We didn't become friends until I was much older, and then we became, well, more. I loved him. It was a steady kind of love. A comforting kind of love that made me feel safe. He accepted me for who I was, accepted that I was first and foremost a Starfleet officer, accepted that he would always occupy second place in my life and sometimes even less than that. I didn't have to worry about what the future would hold. I didn't have to worry that I wouldn't be enough for him because he only asked for what I could easily give." She paused to take a breath, pulling herself upright so she could look fully into Chakotay's face while she spoke. His eyes registered disappointment as she detached herself from his embrace, but she quickly reached for his hands and held them tightly in hers. She needed to tell him in the hardest way possible. If she allowed him to comfort her while she spoke, it would diminish the emotional battle and make her less than who she was trying to be.

"It hurt to receive that letter from Mark. Of course it did. It's never a comfort or flattering when someone who loved you, who wanted to marry you, moves on with his life and falls in love with someone else. Even when you know that it was the only logical thing for him to do. As far as he knew, I was dead." Kathryn stopped again, feeling her breathing becoming more and more difficult. Her throat ached with emotion, and she closed her eyes for a moment to regain her strength.

"Kathryn." Chakotay's voice was worried, and his fingers traced her cheek and continued down to her lips, his thumb stroking their fullness. She caught his hand in hers and pressed a kiss to his palm, feeling her heart pound at his soft gasp. Then she brought their hands back down to her lap. She had to continue. She had to finish this.

"Yes, I was hurt. Let down. But what brought me to my knees was my fear." She felt the hot tears begin to slip down her face.

"Fear of what?" he said softly. "That you'd be stuck with me for the rest of your life instead of Mark?" He flashed his dimples, and she laughed.

"No," she said finally, ducking her head. "Fear of what you had become to me. Fear of how much I felt for you, how I needed you like I have never needed anyone. Chakotay, I thought about it, long and hard, and I realized that if the situations had been reversed, if it had been you that I'd left behind in the Alpha Quadrant, there's…"—she struggled momentarily to speak through her tears—"there's no way I would have been able to go on. If it had been you, I wouldn't have been able to get out of bed in the morning, much less make it through the past six years here. If it had been you, and you had moved on, fell in love with someone else…" This time the emotions overwhelmed her, and she was unable to speak for some time. Chakotay stroked her fingers but made no other moves, understanding instinctively her unspoken thoughts.

"Kathryn," Chakotay said firmly. "If it had been me you'd left behind in the Alpha Quadrant, I would never have moved on. I can promise you that." Kathryn lifted her tear-stained face.

"Don't make promises you can't keep," she said sadly, echoing his own words from days before and trying to smile. But he didn't return the smile and instead fiercely cupped her face in his hands, his dark eyes burning through her.

"I never make promises I can't keep, Kathryn." His voice was intense. And then he seemed to pull back, reining in his emotions and looking almost sheepish. "I'm sorry. I just can't stand that he hurt you in any way. No, actually, I can't stand that anyone, anyone, would—could—give you up. I never will."

"Is that a promise?" she whispered through a half-sob.

"Yes." It was just one word, but it was so much more, and she felt herself falling through his depths, cradled in the comfort of his soul.

"Chakotay, I was scared. No, I was terrified of how much I felt for you. I couldn't stand being that vulnerable. And so I pulled away."

"And what about now?" he asked, and there was fear in his eyes.

"Now, well…" There was too much to say and not enough words in the language to say it. So instead she leaned forward and kissed him, hoping that for once her actions would truly reveal who she really was. And what she was really felt. The kiss was beautiful and salty all at the same time, as the individual tears running down their cheeks mingled. And Kathryn realized that she had never felt as complete as she did at that moment.

When they finally pulled away, she could barely breathe. She fought to gain control of her lungs because there was one more defining thing she had to say to him.

"Chakotay," she whispered, because that was the most she could force from her throat.

"Yes, Kathryn."

"I just want you to know…I love you."

And all she could think about as he took her in his arms again was how grateful she was that finally, finally, she had allowed herself to become fully human.

The End

A/N: I just wanted to thank all of you for your reviews! Your comments mean more than I can adequately express. I am grateful that I was able to finish this version of "To Feel So Much"—but let me just say, what an emotional journey! This was much harder to write than the original for some reason. Must be that Kathryn Janeway has such complicated emotions! Thank you all again :)