DISCLAIMER: D. Gray-man belongs to Katsura Hoshino, TV Tokyo, Funimation and TMS, (As far as I know that's all of them) and seeing as my name is moontoga29, I do not own D. Gray-man, making this story solely for entertainment purposes. I also do not own William Shatner or his amazing acting skills, if I had his talent I would not be writing fan-fiction. Nuff said.

A/N: I'd like to say thanks to everyone who reviewed and liked Kanda Yu: Blocked. This is really just an epilogue to show the moral of my story, cock-blocking is bad. Also I wanted to write something in Allen's POV. This chapter is not as funny, in my opinion as KY:B, but I still enjoy it. Again this story is a parody that is resultant of my twisted and bored mind.

I am also somewhat saddened that no one caught my allusion in KY:B. 'Wrath of Kanda' = 'Wrath of Khan', but whatever. It's not as if my stories have any lack of Star Trek references in them.

WARNINGS: This story has a fuckload of SWEARING, were you a sheltered child and never found out what fuck, cock, ass or shit mean? This is probably not for you. MATURE THEMES are mentioned, specifically cock-blocking. This story contains SHOUNEN AI, BOYBOY, GAY LOVE and definite LUST, so you've been warned if you think gay is not the way, are underaged etc. This is also a continuation of FIRST FANFIC, epicness notwithstanding. Finally this is PARODY, if you don't feel like laughing, try navigated towards the angst section.

On a side note, if you notice that the sentence structure is VERY similar to KY:B then bravo for you. I'm using parallelism. Why? Creativity, yes. Continuity, always. Laziness, maybe a bit.

Without further ado, I hope you enjoy my attempt at wrapping up the plot ~ moontoga29

Allen Walker: Totally Boned

Stalking quietly through the dimly lit corridors of the Black Order, Allen Walker rounded the corner of the training hall in a completely composed, not at all paranoid, manner.

You see, Allen had effectively screwed himself over, under, backwards and sideways all because he had been bored, angry and slightly horny. As can be expected, Allen was now sufficiently concerned for his neck.

How exactly had Allen royally fucked up his own life?

It all started on the night of Allen's arrival at the Black Order. Climbing up the cliff on which the Black Order stood, he had been completely unaware of the imminent pain and insanity that awaited him beyond those gothic walls.

Allen was hosting a not so subtle grin as he remembered. You see, it would be an understatement, possibly that of the century, to say that Allen and the samurai had been less than cordial to one another. In Allen's defense, Kanda had been asking for it.

This would have been a perfectly admissible excuse, save that Kanda had previously reserved it.

Skulking creepily down the dark halls, the unexplained, ever-present, ever-fucking-annoying smile that split Allen's face warned any onlookers that Allen Walker had finally lost it under the weight of his own maniacal genius. Like the window that had the misfortune of crossing Kanda's path over a month ago, the formerly functioning portions of Allen's mind shattered into a million shards of crazy in what experts have dubbed a total fucking mental breakdown.

On Allen's behalf, it should be noted that this was the most impressive total fucking mental breakdown known to the Black Order. It could also be noted that tonight was the anniversary of Allen's first encounter with that maddening devil, General Cross Marian. Who knew?

He had noticed every single detail. Allen had never been particularly savvy in the romance scene, but growing up with a womanizer could do that to you. He knew that young girls would hurt boys they liked, that young boys would taunt girls they had crushes on and stubborn teenage closet gays would pretend to ignore your existence, be inexplicably angry all the time and sneak glances at you when they thought you weren't looking. Allen had considered these factors for months after his first meeting with the Japanese exorcist before concluding that Kanda was completely, though not flamboyantly, gay. Almost as an afterthought, Allen had been marginally surprised at the samurai's sexuality, though the hair finally made sense.

A tell-tale grin had leisurely seeped its way onto Allen's face as understanding sunk in; Kanda had a hard on for him and, knowing the touchy exorcist, would rather shove Mugen where the sun don't shine than admit it. It had seemed that a confession had to be forced out of the unsuspecting Kanda Yu.

It was at that point in time that the cursed exorcist had sprouted a pair of unexplained and foreboding horns atop his white head. An impish smirk smeared his face like molasses on a fox and his eyes cackled with elation, for he had a plan, a sly and devious plan.

It was this plan that had undoubtedly fucked Allen up the ass, so to speak.

But oh was it magnificent! It was a plan so marvelous, so peerless that even the gods of seduction and debauchery would have bowed before him!

Allen Walker was going to cock-block his love struck little Kanda Yu. And what a cock-blocking it would be!

For weeks he had seduced Kanda mercilessly. At every checkpoint he licked the ice cream off of their cones, pushed up against him, trained shirtless in front of him and even bent over at random intervals to pick up imaginary fallen objects. He flaunted his body and administered every scheme with an efficiency only a man raised in lusty brothels could uphold. Kanda couldn't turn a corner without fear of death by nose-bleed.

And the samurai, like the BaKanda he was, hadn't immediately ass-rammed him.

But Allen from months past didn't fret, for his plan was flawless, his will iron, his path steadfast, and his target growing more frustrated by the hour.

During an attempt to uncover a new method of temptation, Allen had overheard Lenalee crying to Kanda about how difficult it was to love someone and not telling them. After analyzing every faint expression that ran across Kanda's face, Allen had discovered something shocking. Apparently Kanda had been trying, and failing, to tell him how he felt. Following the appropriate fan-girl like gushing, Allen laughed delightedly to himself.

This was just too perfect he could have sworn that God really did love his clowns.

Now, Allen couldn't have been too obvious. He had to block Kanda's advances with the utmost precision and grace whilst feigning innocence. Allen's poker face was always up for a challenge. Allen had dutifully dismissed Kanda's loving actions, eluded his telling touch and met his lustful stare with ignorance fully expecting the Japanese man to violate him sexually in a burst of repressed emotion at any given moment.

The poor, unknowing, cock-blocked samurai merely stormed off, leaving a trail of cutting glares, injured rabbits and distinct purple clouds of doom in his wake.

Finally, Allen relented that Kanda had been substantially cock-blocked. Thus, following Allen's interesting encounter with Lavi in the cafeteria, Allen had contentedly finished his tea, called the necessary Finders to tend to Lavi and walked off to bed smiling brightly.

It was now a month later that the unthinkable happened. Kanda Yu knew. Allen didn't know how, he didn't know why, but Kanda knew. And he was angry. And he was livid. And he was smiling.

And Allen Walker was fucked.

It took a mere half moment for the thought to register and then there was nothing, nothing but the broken pieces of Allen's panic-oppressed mind. Allen underwent the correct lamentations. Why had he been so cruel? Why hadn't he stopped when he found that Kanda was trying to confess on his own? He could've stopped! He could've lived! Why had he tortured Kanda for his own sick enjoyment when now he was going to be skewered onto the nearest wall? Why, brain, why?

Allen's brain was incapable of responding considering its newfound residence of pretty little pieces upon the floor. Though the intact remains of Allen's mind had no qualms with stalking through halls in a ninja-like manner, breaking down in a melodramatic fashion reminiscent of William Shatner and, of course, talking to itself.

And so, crazy, paranoid and maintaining a creep factor of over nine thousand is where we return to Allen, hiding from Kanda in the training hall, clutching onto the wall for dear life.

It is truly unfortunate that this specific wall had been the victim of one of Kanda's Allen-induced tirades and thus felt like seeing Allen suffer.

"…Moyashi?" came the ill-omened call of the Japanese man from behind the terrified Allen Walker. Allen's evasive skills were thusly proven no match to the samurai's cunning. Oh, fucked, thy name is Allen!

Said totally fucked moyashi looked absolutely petrified as he turned around to face the deathly beautiful man, as he should be.

"Moyashi, what are you doing here?" Kanda inquired wickedly, leaning closer to Allen menacingly, cornering him with his body, capturing him with his eyes.

Allen saw Kanda's lips moving, but no words made it to his brain aside from cries concerning his untimely death, unattained hopes and dreams, prayers for mercy and many apologies for all the wrongs he had committed, like sending that recording of a drunken Lenalee and Cross to Komui.

But most of all he mentally screamed his regrets of never defeating the Earl, not being able to walk forward, breaking his promise to Mana, disappointing his friends, not saying goodbye, never abandoning or even fulfilling his spectacular plan, never k…Kanda.

Allen looked up at Kanda piteously through his eyelashes, awaiting death when he realized that Kanda had stopped talking and was staring at him expectantly. Was he giving him a chance to explain himself?

Allen wasted no time in lighting up like a teenager at New Years and throwing himself at the dumbstruck samurai.

"Oh Kanda, I'm so sorry, I'll never do anything like this ever again! Although you must admit, it was a wonderful plan, I just thought you needed a push in the right direction, I mean, I thought that you never would have confessed to me if I hadn't cock-blocked you, I just wanted my plan to work so badly that I couldn't think straight! I like you so much, and I thought that you would just cave in and fuck me into a wall, but now because I was so stupid I'm going to die and it's going to suck and I'll never even get to k…Kanda?"

Far too late after his lengthy and breathless confession Allen realized that Kanda had the most adorable yet unnerving look of confusion on his face. Never mind the fact that they were both pressing flesh with each other.

Allen panicked, it couldn't be…

"Y-you did know that I was just cock-blocking you so that you would confess to me, d-didn't you?" was Allen's stuttered question to the Japanese man towering over him threateningly.

Allen watched, horrified, as Kanda's expression changed from one of endearing confusion to that of terrifying, shit your pants scary, unadulterated wrath.

"What did you just say, Moyashi?"

The carnal growl fell on deaf ears as the white faced boy fell against the samurai in a dead faint.

Lavi bounded into the infirmary and over to where Kanda was seated, beside the bed-ridden moyashi.

"Good morning Lavi," Kanda said, eerily cheery, from his spot on the hospital bed.

"M-morning Yu, I mean Kanda. I was wondering how Allen was doing…" Lavi finished lamely as he saw a smile spread across Kanda's face causing all the birds within a five kilometre radius to migrate to the south a few months early.

"Kanda…" Lavi said shakily, backing away slowly from the imposing Japanese man.

"Lavi, if you don't mind…" Kanda let his sentence hang in the air as Lavi scurried out of the infirmary.

Kanda turned his attention back to the unconscious boy beneath him. He edged closer to the unsuspecting boy asleep in the bed, his body and breath heating his unfortunate prey's pale skin. Kanda's eyes clouded over when he saw Allen's flutter, open and widen in horror.

"Morning Moyashi, you're mine."

Kanda smiled darkly and closed the gap between them.

Allen is so fucked.

A/N: It has been said before, but I never tire of saying it, I am CRUEL to characters. I hope you all enjoyed the finale of KY:B, I know I did.

Reviews are the Al to my Ed, they make me better.

(In case you're wondering what is with the random review related rants, I have a theory that if I ask for reviews in a memorable fashion, I'll receive more.)

An unhello to all ~ moontoga29