DISCLAIMER: D. Gray-man belongs to Katsura Hoshino, TV Tokyo, Funimation and TMS, (As far as I know that's all of them) and seeing as my name is moontoga29, I do not own D. Gray-man, making this story solely for entertainment purposes.

A/N: First of all I'd like to point out that I will always regard this story as 'Kanda Yu: Cockblocked'; however, due to that rule about having an all-ages appropriate title kind of prevented that.

Second of all, I am crystal clear that Kanda is out of character. (In the sense that he gets all frustrated over our wittle Allen, oh wait!) Why did I do this? To show the kind of writing that I won't be doing as anything other than a joke, which is what this story is. When I'm writing serious stories I will make absolutely sure to keep everyone in character, so no worries.

WARNINGS: This story has SWEARING and lots of it, if you have never heard the words fuck, shit or hell before...well you have now, but if you're not comfortable with them or not of age I suggest that you do not read this fan-fiction.

MATURE THEMES are mentioned in this story, namely cockblocking. If you aren't comfortable with them or not of age, I suggest you do not read further. Also if you plan on reading but do not know what cockblock or any variation of that means then please only look it up at your own peril, you can probably get through the story without knowing the definition.

This is my FIRST FAN-FICTION so I can't guarantee its greatness, but reviews are loved. Please tell me about any errors be they grammatical to technical.

This story contains MILD SHOUNEN AI, BOYBOY, GAY LOVE themes as well as LUST. Again if you are not comfortable or old enough to handle these themes please read no further.

Also in Kanda's view I refer to Allen as 'moyashi' in this fan-fiction and not 'beansprout'. Why? Because that's how I decided to write it.

Finally, this story is a JOKE, A PARODY. It's meant for entertainment, please don't take the context seriously or don't read.

Without further ado, thanks for clicking and I hope you enjoy!

Kanda Yu: Blocked

Glaring at Allen for about the fourteenth time that day, Kanda Yu exited the dining hall in a completely collected, not at all frustrated, fashion. But not before shooting another glare Allen's way, of course.

You see, Allen had effectively ruined his breakfast, good mood, day and life, all with that blissfully unaware, ever-present, ever-fucking-annoying smile splitting his stupid face. As one can expect, Kanda was not pleased.

How exactly did Allen ruin Kanda's…well, life?

"By being a stupid, naïve, oblivious, thick-head of a moyashi. Sitting there, eating to his stomachs content and completely ignoring me, while I'm here openly staring at the moron!"

Kanda was having a not so minor problem. You see, Allen was not the brightest bulb in the closet, but we already knew that. The real problem was that Allen was so much of a stupid, naïve, oblivious, thickheaded moyashi that he had failed to notice Kanda, or, more specifically, Kanda's rather large infatuation with him.

This was all foreign to Kanda, which didn't exactly help in making his situation any less aggravating.

Storming through the corridors of the Black Order, the unexplained purple cloud surrounding the Japanese exorcist warned all passersby to go shrivel away in a hole somewhere, unless they had their hearts set on being knocked-the-fuck-out. Like the Red Sea, the occupants of the formerly crowded halls parted to form a pathway for the fuming samurai in what experts have dubbed the 'Kanda Phenomenon'.

Allen's ignorance had been welcomed, even endearing, when Kanda had still been in denial. But months of trying to tell Allen that he liked him being thwarted by this ignorance tended to have the effect of pissing a guy off. Who knew?

He had tried everything he could think of to get Allen's attention. Kanda had never been particularly interested in the romance scene, but he did know a few of the tricks of the trade, courtesy of growing up with Lenalee. He knew that young girls would beat up on boys that they liked. Kanda considered this approach for about a minute before coming to the conclusion that Allen probably wouldn't appreciate getting better acquainted with Mugen. As an afterthought, Kanda also recognized that he was in no way a young girl.

Scratching that option, Kanda recalled that young boys teased the girl they liked, calling them names, pulling their hair and the like. Seeing as Kanda had already given Allen a perfectly credible nickname, he decided to follow this course of action.

It was a shame that it failed miserably.

For weeks he taunted Allen relentlessly. At every opportunity, Kanda poked fun of his old-man hair, (lack of) height, naivety and overall moyashi-ness. He shadowed Allen's every move with an expertise and finesse only a sexually frustrated samurai could possess. Allen couldn't make a move without his own personal tormentor breathing down his throat.

And Allen, like the moron he was, hadn't immediately fallen in love with him.

Kanda then decided that perhaps a more mature tactic would be more effective.

In an attempt to discover a new tactic, Kanda listened to Lenalee gush to him about her romantic life during their meditation sessions. After discreetly taking in everything she said, including the stuff that made no sense, he discovered something shocking. Apparently, the way to show a person that you liked them was to befriend them and show them a better side of you, not treat them worse.

It was so simplistically moronic that it just might work on the moyashi.

Now, Kanda couldn't change his personality. He would always be a cold, socially-clueless misfit, but he started to show the moyashi certain niceties. He kept the nick-name, but he was nicer in his own way. Kanda gallantly rescued Allen from Lavi's teasing, Lenalee's scolding, Komui's insanity, the Finders whispering and Allen's own self-consciousness fully expecting the moyashi to be appreciative, and run to his arms, proclaiming his undying love for him.

The stupid, naïve, oblivious, thickheaded moyashi hadn't even batted an eyelash.

Finally, Kanda resigned to staring openly at him for extended periods of time in hopes that he could telepathically implant that he liked him into the moyashi's thick head. Unfortunately, Kanda did not possess psychic abilities, so this resulted in yet another failed attempt at enlightening the stupid brat.

Why hadn't he just declared his love for Allen in a stupendous, rose-coloured, clichéd, fan-girl-approved way before boinking him into the nearest wall?

Simply confessing to Allen had been out of the question since the beginning. Although Kanda was the blunt take-you-by-surprise-holy-shit-there's-a-sword-in-my-face kind of guy, he was not the type of man who gives in first. The moyashi would have to come to him, that is, if the moron ever grasped the not-so-unfathomable concept that was Kanda's ability to have a crush on said moron.

And so, hapless, irritated and engulfed by a still unexplained purple cloud of doom is where we come back to Kanda, seriously abusing his Moses-like power.

It is truly unfortunate that Moses retains no power over rabbits.

"Yu! Hey, Yu!" came the cry from the Black Order's version of a furry, otherwise known as Lavi.

The samurai's hastened pace was proved futile against the almighty hopping skills of the Bookman Junior Bunny-man.

Said rabbit looked positively ecstatic at his accomplishment, as he should be.

"So Yu, I see you're coming back from the cafeteria. Did you by any change see our cute little Allen there?"

Far too late, the soon to be road-kill realized that provoking the wrath of Kanda by mentioning the object of his frustration was not the best course of action, as he was reunited with his old friend Mugen.

"D-did you get polished since the last time we met? It looks good on you…" was Lavi's stuttered response to the blade under his nose.

"Unless you want to be deflowered by my Innocence, I suggest you get the fuck out of my sight, rabbit," was the level warning uttered seconds before the samurai was left in a cloud of bunny-hop induced dust.

Sheathing Mugen with a huff, Kanda set off through the halls of the Dark Order once again. Activating the Kanda Phenomenon once more, Kanda marched towards his room where he would devise a final plot to 'enlighten' the moyashi.

Perhaps more drastic methods were called for in this situation…

Lavi bounced through the cafeteria doors and over towards where Allen was seated, looking slightly more twitchy than usual.

"Good morning Lavi, are you alright?" Allen said around his never dwindling mountain of food.

"Morning Allen, I'm fine, but I ran into Yu and I was wondering if you knew anything about it…" Lavi trailed off when he saw a smile spread across Allen's face as the white-haired exorcist demurely sipped his tea.

"Allen, what did you do to him? He looked absolutely cock-blocked!" Lavi asked shakily, suddenly pitying the poor Japanese man. No one deserved that.

"Oh don't feel that bad for him, I plan on giving him what he wants. I'm just making him work for it," Allen said in a sickly sweet way that reminded Lavi of the boy when in poker mode.

Allen had long since left the cafeteria when the Finders found Lavi frozen in the desolate hall. Shaking their heads at the rabbit, the Finders placed a blanket over Lavi's shoulders and took him to the infirmary. He showed no signs of reprieve from his shock, though he did repeat one peculiar phrase over and over…

"Allen is so dark…"

EDIT A/N: I hope we all enjoyed the version specifically edited for commas and that some of you got a few laughs out of it.

I may or may not be posting the epilogue that has been asked for, depending on whether or not I can brainstorm an idea that would go with the original shot and show the repercussions of Allen's cockblockage.

I'm in love with constructive reviews; I miss them like a dehydrated camel misses water. Please, quench my thirst! I don't want to shrivel!

A happy unhello to you all! - moontoga29