"The Sky is Breaking" by Dee
Part 2- So speak to me
Authors Note: For Leelee, thanks for keeping me writing girlie. And for the lovely Moby and his amazing album "Play".
***
With his back pressed against the closed door Remus cradled his head in his arms. His head ached, the throbbing in time with the pulse of the downstairs shower spray that's sound carried through the silent house. He longed to run from the house, back out under the soothing stars. He longed to lose himself in the unbiased glow and forget again.
He was afraid to move from his place, afraid to be caught by another sleepless night. He was afraid of the morning sun and having to look Sirius in the eye. It was almost physically painful to think of the way he had acted tonight.
You're a coward, he reminded himself silently, a damn coward who hides away in his room and think that one day he'll lose yourself in your self or your books and never have to face anyone again. Never have to let anyone in again... Pressing his bare toes against the cool wood of the floor he listened to the squeak of the plumbing and then the silence that replaced the water sounds. He sighed to himself.
For years he had tried to disappear, he'd spent twelve years in self imposed exile outside of society. Twelve years of moving around, of keeping away from condemning eyes, of starving and never staying in one place too long. The glamour of moving around had worn thin in time and when the owl with the offer from Dumbledore to teach reached him he had said yes at once. There was a new generation at Hogwarts, a generation that wouldn't look at him and see Sirius Black, the betrayal of the Potters, or the werewolf freak. It was an opportunity to be nothing but Remus Lupin, non descript teacher. The idea had filled him with hope.
It had been ideal and doomed to fail like all good things. The look in Snapes taunting black eyes, the way that Minerva had always seemed close to tears upon seeing him and Harry looking up at him through James face. They all took their toll on him, and kept him up at night in fear of how everything seemed stacked to crumble around him again.
Then that night. The fear had already been there, the weight in his chest when he thought about Sirius free from Azkaban and wanting to kill Harry. Worse was the image of Sirius being caught, the image of his pleading eyes as he went under the Dementors kiss. He wasn't prepared to be confronted with his death, of losing him again. Seeing his name on the Marauders Map had been like seeing a ghost, he knew it was possible but somehow couldn't believe it. Then he'd seen the second name he'd thought never to see again and the pieces had all snapped into place, the picture so obvious before him that he had been forced to steady himself on his feet before tearing out of the castle and after his friend.
He'd swallowed all of his guilt that night and aided Sirius as best he could in calming the children and explaining the truth that he had only recently realized. It had been his own weakness that had caused Sirius to fail in holding Peter and proving his innocence. It had been his own stupidity that had let Peter flee back to his master and in time hurt Harry again. Bang up job, Moony, his mind taunted, forgetting about the full moon like it isn't an ever-present aching reminder in your bones.
It seemed that everything he touched was destroyed, that the life of exile was what he was destined for. He'd had his happiness, the years before the horror of Voldemorts first reign with the Marauders at Hogwarts. Full moons when they had figured out how to master transforming to keep him busy. Summers with Sirius, the only time when he'd felt like he belonged. The mornings waking up beside him in a sun filled room and feeling content. Those were things that he'd never lose no matter what horror the dark world was preparing for them. He would guard those memories more closely than any treasure held in Gringotts. They were his and his alone.
His silent diatribe was broken by the sharp creak of the screen door downstairs opening and falling closed, the sound making his heart jump into his throat. Getting to his feet he pulled a frayed gray sweater on against the chill before making the trek down to check the door. Dread seeped into him at the thought of Sirius leaving without saying a word, dread greater than that of him staying to face him. Not that he'd blame him for leaving, he thought as he came to the open front door, he'd acted poorly from the start.
Sirius hadn't left, he realized as he saw his still form sitting on the front step through the closed screen door. Idly gripping the fabric of the sweater at each wrist, he smiled slightly to himself as he watched Sirius sit unmoving. As a boy Sirius had never sat still as far as he could remember, he'd always been moving and plotting and slouching. Time had changed him, it was inevitable he knew but somehow sad to see his friend in such a way.
Pushing through the door he ignored his nagging doubts and stepped out into the cold air and sat down beside him without a word. It was energizing, the cold against his skin and the subtle smell of soap that seemed to tinge the air. The silence was nice, aside from the soft sounds of breathing neither seemed inclined to break it with words. For a moment it was just peaceful to sit in the cold air under the stars.
It was Sirius who spoke first, his face turned upward toward the sky while is words fell around them. "My mother named me after a star. Well, you already know that. The Egyptians built temples around the star Sirius, had deities who's association with the star were fruitful and whole religions sprung up associating bounty, reincarnation and rebirth with the star because of the way the Nile produced when it rose in association with the sun. It was a heavy load for a skinny kid with too much energy to carry on his shoulders."
Shrugging he continued to look upward, Remus watched as his too thin shoulders barely moved the fabric of the dark sweater he wore. "I only appreciated it later, all those nights spent under the stars when we were at school when I actually could see my namesake. Sirius, where souls go after they die. I felt so alive and in tune with it all, as strong as the stars but never as stationary. I don't think I sat still long enough to crease a chair once in seven years at Hogwarts. It's funny now."
"You were pure energy, Sirius," Remus cast his voice low, turning his face up to look at the heavens. "There has always been a spark inside of you that is purely your own. Like the light from your star, steady and close and unyielding. It gave you a draw that was unavoidable. Inescapable."
Sirius laughed, a soft sound that rose gooseflesh along his arms, and leaned back holding his weight on his arms. "I was a mess, Moony. I couldn't pay attention in classes, I couldn't find meaning in causing trouble after awhile and I was chaotic inside. It's hard spending your whole life not giving a care to anything, I was so unsure of myself on the inside. I think a lot of my image was false bravado."
"I remember the first time I saw you, on the Hogwarts Express when I asked to sit with you because the other cars were full. You had this gleam in your eye and you said, if I recall correctly, 'No problem, just remember if anyone comes in here and asks you anything.. that I've been sitting here the whole time.'"
Sirius winced in guilt, then grinned down at the slender man beside him, a soft breeze stirring the still damp tendrils of dark hair that fell around his face. "If I recall I had set off some dung-bombs in a car full of dour-faced soon to be Slytherins."
"Yes," Remus nodded with a slight laugh. "Talk about starting the year off with a bang, I think it was the rage on Malfoys face that earned you James as a friend for life."
At the mention of James name both men tensed a little and turned their gazes back to the sky. Sirius looked down at Remus and smiled softly. "We were as thick as thieves at school, I miss that sometimes. I miss feeling comfortable. All the little things like sneaking out to Hogsmeade, sitting in the common room or us working on my bike."
"You never let anyone other than yourself touch that bike, I don't know what your talking about." Looking properly offended, Remus let himself laugh at the look on the darker mans face. "It was a death trap anyway."
" I enjoyed me working on the bike while you told me what a bad idea making it fly would be, better? Though I seem to remember that it took more than just me to actually work the spells and charms on it."
Raising an eyebrow, Sirius tsk'd softly and Remus blushed. Pushing his hair out of his eyes, Remus shrugged. " It's because you knew very well that I couldn't say no to you."
Stretching his long longs out in front of him, Sirius let the admission linger in the air. "When I was in Azkaban I use to think about all of us at school, even when it got bad in there I never forgot how it was. Things that had always seemed so trivial had new meaning and I knew that I had to get out of there if only to see you again. So much was left unfinished between us."
"Sirius," Remus tried to stop the direction of the conversation but he was stopped with a dark look. "No, Moony. You have to hear this before you can take it all in and bear it like a cross. Please just listen for awhile."
"That use to be my line," he murmured as Sirius watched him, waiting for a sign that he could start.
Seeing Remus turn his eyes upward he took that as a sign, and taking in a breath he began. "You have to know how sorry I am about how things happened, I never dreamt that when I left you that morning that I wouldn't see you for years. I'm such a bastard for hurting you. Our relationship, that we had.. it was so amazingly perfect and deep down I knew that I was going to ruin it. You had so much patience for me, such a calm smile for me whenever I had any trouble. I felt that the smile in your eyes was just for me."
" When James and Lily asked me to be their secret keeper I knew that I couldn't do it, that somehow I would fail at it and that I'd lose you. Peter seemed like such a perfect solution, no one would suspect him and we could keep an eye on him like we did when we were at school. I never even got to tell you what I had decided, I was so sure that for once I had made the responsible decision and that you would see it."
Running his fingers through his hair, an unconscious gesture that spoke of his nervousness, he paused to take in a breath before speaking again. " I was never any good at being responsible. I never thought that anything I could do would drive you away."
"You didn't trust me..." Remus whispered this, his eyes hidden by his shaggy hair. As he spoke his words were tinged with sadness. " I never deserved your trust because of what I am."
Sirius turned toward Remus in one motion, his eyes narrowed and flashing. " Never say that, do you hear me? You were the only person I trusted, the only person in this god forsaken world who I didn't want to disappoint. And I did, I fucked up."
"I fucked it up for both of us, Moony. I ruined the only good stable thing in my life and left you alone." Raking his long fingers through his hair again, Sirius furrowed his brow in frustration. "I know I've hurt you, am still hurting you by being here, and I want to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm doing a pathetic job of living up to my namesake. Do you think you'll ever be able to forgive me, or even talk to me in daylight?"
Letting a soft smile creep across his face Remus turned his gaze to the worry on Sirius' face. His eyes were downcast, vulnerable and reluctant to show it, his hair dried to fall silkily about his slightly hunched shoulder. He was waiting for an answer, Remus realized with a shock. His question had been real, a question not a statement to be agreed upon and accepted.
Never had he seen him in such a state of complete worry, self confidence had seemed to be the very core of Sirius and he was pleased to know that it wasn't so. Pleased to see the doubt in his eyes, and the tension in his shoulders. It sent a shiver of excitement through him to know that this problem wasn't only his to bear. Biting his lip against the smile he realized how much Sirius resembled the boy he'd been, the boy with the doubting eyes behind the roguish smirk.
Sirius squirmed under his golden gaze, seeing the searching as doubt and pain flickered across his face followed by a stony look. He started to speak, Remus could almost hear the excuse he'd make to leave in his mind as he leaned forward and cut Sirius' words off with a soft brush of his lips against his mouth. For a moment neither breathed, just froze, sharing the same space for an instance before Remus leaned back.
He ignored the surge of adrenaline that coursed through him, the desire that stirred with the brief contact and looked deep into the dark eyes that stared at him. " I don't need your apologies, Padfoot. I never did."
Remus pushed his hair out of his eyes and reached out and covered Sirius' hand with his own. Sirius' skin was cold to his touch, cold but not foreign or unresisting, and it gave him the courage he needed to speak. " I only need you."
His heart hammered in his chest, color flooding his face as he realized the depth of his admission. Sirius' hand stirred under his own, grasping Remus' fingers between his, his dark gaze searching the face of the now silent man with an unreadable look. Dread filled him as the air grew heavier between them, but his thoughts were cut off as Sirius' eyes flashed with something familiar and his lovers mouth came down on his own in a searing kiss that sent a jolt of recognition through every pore of his body.
Danger, his mind screamed at him as his inhibition melted away under the sweet pressure of the mouth that caressed him in a way he'd though to never know again. The ache in his chest was enflamed by the merest touch of his only lovers hand on his neck, the brush of his soft hair against his face and the heat the radiated in the space between them. Reaching up he let his fingers slide through the beautiful black hair that tickled his face he pressed his fingers into the warm skin of Sirius' neck to feel the throbbing beat of his heart.
Their mouths each fought for control, tongues clashing and playing out a well practiced dance. Remus gasped as Sirius let his teeth come down on his lip, nipping and sucking in a gesture that spread the fire growing in the pit of his stomach into his chest and through his groin. He'd forgotten how it felt, the magnetism that flowed between them and made it impossible to draw away. He'd longed for it, and the longing won over as he felt the cool touch of fingers pushing the thin sweater up to make contact with the pale curve of his hip above his pants. He wanted to touch him in kind.
No words were spoken, Remus barely dared to breath as he let Sirius run his fingertips over the contours of his back and linger on the sensitive skin around his navel. It was dream like, a phantom touch that would vanish if he moved and broke the spell, but the warmth of the skin touching his own was real. Biting his lip softly, he let himself fall victim to the bottomless dark eyes that had seemed so dead only hours ago.
He nodded his consent as Sirius pulled the thin sweater off over his head and pressed his palms against his chest, submitting to the kisses that burned him though he ached to feel Sirius' warmth pressed against him. Closing his eyes he ignored the chill in the night air and abandoned himself to the heat that branded him, savoring the feel of his touch, his tongue, his closeness. It was heady, more addictive than anything he'd ever known and he felt himself swell in memory of times that had come before.
"Sirius... Please." His words held more pleading than he'd intended, his shaky fingers digging into the rough fabric of the sweater Sirius wore. A soft smile touched Sirius' lips as his smoldering look penetrated his trusting gaze, the honey tinged with something darker under the starlight. Without breaking eye contact Sirius swept the offending garment off, shrugging his strong shoulders against the night air and exposing his still too thin figure.
Reaching forward Remus let himself feel the faint bumps of the still apparent ribs before pulling him closer so that their chests pressed flush as they knelt before each other. Hip to hip he splayed his fingers across the smooth expanse of Sirius' back as his tucked his chin in the curve of his neck, idly nipping at his lovers earlobe and he nuzzled his neck in an effort to get closer to him. He wanted to meld into him, to know nothing but his touch and let all his worries fall away. What did he need worries for when his love was pressed against him, aroused and content as he was.
In one motion Sirius wrapped his arms tightly around the slender figure before him, the tempo of his heart echoing that of the slighter man, and pulled him off the step and under him into the grass. The damp blades of grass clung to them as they clung together, the tiny points barely a tickle on their fevered skin. Skimming his palms over his lovers sides Sirius buried his face in Remus' neck and for awhile they didn't move but for rising and falling that went with breath. Without moving Remus looked over the pale shoulder of man above him at the stars that had somehow changed since he'd seen them last. They pulsed above him, distant, burning suns in the place of remote specs of ice, mirroring the scalding pulse of the blood in his veins. The moonless sky had betrayed him he realized as he felt the clawing of the wolf in chest, the primal energy that surged through him and made the pressure on his erection painful. He needed more than to touch and feel, he needed to claim and mark what was his.
Sirius felt the change in him before he even spoke, as the soft caresses of the his hands on his back became more demanding and the subtle pressure against his hips would no longer be ignored. When Remus spoke it came out as a growl, a dangerous timbre on his normally soft voice. " I can't stop here, I need to feel you Sirius. I can't control it anymore."
The self control that he'd always kept in check was gone as he pushed Sirius off of him and tackled him back into the grass, trapping the stronger man with the pressure of his hips against him. Bracing himself on his knees above his captive he let the flood of fire in his body guide him in biting the mouth that had teased him, in raking the pale flesh that had bewitched him with his nails, and thrusting his hips against the hardness that he wanted to feel against his own.
Beneath him Sirius let out a broken sound that came from deep in his throat, his eyes closed and his neck exposed to his ministrations. He didn't move, letting Remus make all the contact and friction but to grasp the fairer mans flanks to keep him close to him. He'd seen him like this before, full of wildness and desire, he'd been the only one to see him like this. No one else knew what kind of animal really lay beneath the calm surface of Remus Lupin, no one else know how to control it.
"Moony," his voice was rough, broken by desire but had it's desired effect as Remus connected with his gaze and brought his mouth down to meet with Sirius'. The air around them was heated, their bodies sought contact roughly while their mouthes connected with soft pressure and tentative tongues. They discarded their remaining clothing gradually and with no inhibitions until there was nothing but sure hands on pale flesh. Never breaking contact with their mouths, a link more intimate than sex, they brought each other to orgasm clinging together on the grass.
Exposed, they lay in each other arms taking in the old scars and the new, reveling in the feelings of comfort that had seemed destined to remain elusive for so long. For a moment the stars seemed to recede above them, their blaze dimmed by the pulse of their synchronized hearts and the tinge of cooling sweat. At that moment there was no war, no betrayal, no Azkaban, no wolf. There were only two lovers who had only been half formed apart. Their worries were for the morning, and together they lay until the stars dimmed and broke from the sky, giving way to the dawn.
***
I hope you liked it. There will be a sequel. -Dee
Part 2- So speak to me
Authors Note: For Leelee, thanks for keeping me writing girlie. And for the lovely Moby and his amazing album "Play".
***
With his back pressed against the closed door Remus cradled his head in his arms. His head ached, the throbbing in time with the pulse of the downstairs shower spray that's sound carried through the silent house. He longed to run from the house, back out under the soothing stars. He longed to lose himself in the unbiased glow and forget again.
He was afraid to move from his place, afraid to be caught by another sleepless night. He was afraid of the morning sun and having to look Sirius in the eye. It was almost physically painful to think of the way he had acted tonight.
You're a coward, he reminded himself silently, a damn coward who hides away in his room and think that one day he'll lose yourself in your self or your books and never have to face anyone again. Never have to let anyone in again... Pressing his bare toes against the cool wood of the floor he listened to the squeak of the plumbing and then the silence that replaced the water sounds. He sighed to himself.
For years he had tried to disappear, he'd spent twelve years in self imposed exile outside of society. Twelve years of moving around, of keeping away from condemning eyes, of starving and never staying in one place too long. The glamour of moving around had worn thin in time and when the owl with the offer from Dumbledore to teach reached him he had said yes at once. There was a new generation at Hogwarts, a generation that wouldn't look at him and see Sirius Black, the betrayal of the Potters, or the werewolf freak. It was an opportunity to be nothing but Remus Lupin, non descript teacher. The idea had filled him with hope.
It had been ideal and doomed to fail like all good things. The look in Snapes taunting black eyes, the way that Minerva had always seemed close to tears upon seeing him and Harry looking up at him through James face. They all took their toll on him, and kept him up at night in fear of how everything seemed stacked to crumble around him again.
Then that night. The fear had already been there, the weight in his chest when he thought about Sirius free from Azkaban and wanting to kill Harry. Worse was the image of Sirius being caught, the image of his pleading eyes as he went under the Dementors kiss. He wasn't prepared to be confronted with his death, of losing him again. Seeing his name on the Marauders Map had been like seeing a ghost, he knew it was possible but somehow couldn't believe it. Then he'd seen the second name he'd thought never to see again and the pieces had all snapped into place, the picture so obvious before him that he had been forced to steady himself on his feet before tearing out of the castle and after his friend.
He'd swallowed all of his guilt that night and aided Sirius as best he could in calming the children and explaining the truth that he had only recently realized. It had been his own weakness that had caused Sirius to fail in holding Peter and proving his innocence. It had been his own stupidity that had let Peter flee back to his master and in time hurt Harry again. Bang up job, Moony, his mind taunted, forgetting about the full moon like it isn't an ever-present aching reminder in your bones.
It seemed that everything he touched was destroyed, that the life of exile was what he was destined for. He'd had his happiness, the years before the horror of Voldemorts first reign with the Marauders at Hogwarts. Full moons when they had figured out how to master transforming to keep him busy. Summers with Sirius, the only time when he'd felt like he belonged. The mornings waking up beside him in a sun filled room and feeling content. Those were things that he'd never lose no matter what horror the dark world was preparing for them. He would guard those memories more closely than any treasure held in Gringotts. They were his and his alone.
His silent diatribe was broken by the sharp creak of the screen door downstairs opening and falling closed, the sound making his heart jump into his throat. Getting to his feet he pulled a frayed gray sweater on against the chill before making the trek down to check the door. Dread seeped into him at the thought of Sirius leaving without saying a word, dread greater than that of him staying to face him. Not that he'd blame him for leaving, he thought as he came to the open front door, he'd acted poorly from the start.
Sirius hadn't left, he realized as he saw his still form sitting on the front step through the closed screen door. Idly gripping the fabric of the sweater at each wrist, he smiled slightly to himself as he watched Sirius sit unmoving. As a boy Sirius had never sat still as far as he could remember, he'd always been moving and plotting and slouching. Time had changed him, it was inevitable he knew but somehow sad to see his friend in such a way.
Pushing through the door he ignored his nagging doubts and stepped out into the cold air and sat down beside him without a word. It was energizing, the cold against his skin and the subtle smell of soap that seemed to tinge the air. The silence was nice, aside from the soft sounds of breathing neither seemed inclined to break it with words. For a moment it was just peaceful to sit in the cold air under the stars.
It was Sirius who spoke first, his face turned upward toward the sky while is words fell around them. "My mother named me after a star. Well, you already know that. The Egyptians built temples around the star Sirius, had deities who's association with the star were fruitful and whole religions sprung up associating bounty, reincarnation and rebirth with the star because of the way the Nile produced when it rose in association with the sun. It was a heavy load for a skinny kid with too much energy to carry on his shoulders."
Shrugging he continued to look upward, Remus watched as his too thin shoulders barely moved the fabric of the dark sweater he wore. "I only appreciated it later, all those nights spent under the stars when we were at school when I actually could see my namesake. Sirius, where souls go after they die. I felt so alive and in tune with it all, as strong as the stars but never as stationary. I don't think I sat still long enough to crease a chair once in seven years at Hogwarts. It's funny now."
"You were pure energy, Sirius," Remus cast his voice low, turning his face up to look at the heavens. "There has always been a spark inside of you that is purely your own. Like the light from your star, steady and close and unyielding. It gave you a draw that was unavoidable. Inescapable."
Sirius laughed, a soft sound that rose gooseflesh along his arms, and leaned back holding his weight on his arms. "I was a mess, Moony. I couldn't pay attention in classes, I couldn't find meaning in causing trouble after awhile and I was chaotic inside. It's hard spending your whole life not giving a care to anything, I was so unsure of myself on the inside. I think a lot of my image was false bravado."
"I remember the first time I saw you, on the Hogwarts Express when I asked to sit with you because the other cars were full. You had this gleam in your eye and you said, if I recall correctly, 'No problem, just remember if anyone comes in here and asks you anything.. that I've been sitting here the whole time.'"
Sirius winced in guilt, then grinned down at the slender man beside him, a soft breeze stirring the still damp tendrils of dark hair that fell around his face. "If I recall I had set off some dung-bombs in a car full of dour-faced soon to be Slytherins."
"Yes," Remus nodded with a slight laugh. "Talk about starting the year off with a bang, I think it was the rage on Malfoys face that earned you James as a friend for life."
At the mention of James name both men tensed a little and turned their gazes back to the sky. Sirius looked down at Remus and smiled softly. "We were as thick as thieves at school, I miss that sometimes. I miss feeling comfortable. All the little things like sneaking out to Hogsmeade, sitting in the common room or us working on my bike."
"You never let anyone other than yourself touch that bike, I don't know what your talking about." Looking properly offended, Remus let himself laugh at the look on the darker mans face. "It was a death trap anyway."
" I enjoyed me working on the bike while you told me what a bad idea making it fly would be, better? Though I seem to remember that it took more than just me to actually work the spells and charms on it."
Raising an eyebrow, Sirius tsk'd softly and Remus blushed. Pushing his hair out of his eyes, Remus shrugged. " It's because you knew very well that I couldn't say no to you."
Stretching his long longs out in front of him, Sirius let the admission linger in the air. "When I was in Azkaban I use to think about all of us at school, even when it got bad in there I never forgot how it was. Things that had always seemed so trivial had new meaning and I knew that I had to get out of there if only to see you again. So much was left unfinished between us."
"Sirius," Remus tried to stop the direction of the conversation but he was stopped with a dark look. "No, Moony. You have to hear this before you can take it all in and bear it like a cross. Please just listen for awhile."
"That use to be my line," he murmured as Sirius watched him, waiting for a sign that he could start.
Seeing Remus turn his eyes upward he took that as a sign, and taking in a breath he began. "You have to know how sorry I am about how things happened, I never dreamt that when I left you that morning that I wouldn't see you for years. I'm such a bastard for hurting you. Our relationship, that we had.. it was so amazingly perfect and deep down I knew that I was going to ruin it. You had so much patience for me, such a calm smile for me whenever I had any trouble. I felt that the smile in your eyes was just for me."
" When James and Lily asked me to be their secret keeper I knew that I couldn't do it, that somehow I would fail at it and that I'd lose you. Peter seemed like such a perfect solution, no one would suspect him and we could keep an eye on him like we did when we were at school. I never even got to tell you what I had decided, I was so sure that for once I had made the responsible decision and that you would see it."
Running his fingers through his hair, an unconscious gesture that spoke of his nervousness, he paused to take in a breath before speaking again. " I was never any good at being responsible. I never thought that anything I could do would drive you away."
"You didn't trust me..." Remus whispered this, his eyes hidden by his shaggy hair. As he spoke his words were tinged with sadness. " I never deserved your trust because of what I am."
Sirius turned toward Remus in one motion, his eyes narrowed and flashing. " Never say that, do you hear me? You were the only person I trusted, the only person in this god forsaken world who I didn't want to disappoint. And I did, I fucked up."
"I fucked it up for both of us, Moony. I ruined the only good stable thing in my life and left you alone." Raking his long fingers through his hair again, Sirius furrowed his brow in frustration. "I know I've hurt you, am still hurting you by being here, and I want to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm doing a pathetic job of living up to my namesake. Do you think you'll ever be able to forgive me, or even talk to me in daylight?"
Letting a soft smile creep across his face Remus turned his gaze to the worry on Sirius' face. His eyes were downcast, vulnerable and reluctant to show it, his hair dried to fall silkily about his slightly hunched shoulder. He was waiting for an answer, Remus realized with a shock. His question had been real, a question not a statement to be agreed upon and accepted.
Never had he seen him in such a state of complete worry, self confidence had seemed to be the very core of Sirius and he was pleased to know that it wasn't so. Pleased to see the doubt in his eyes, and the tension in his shoulders. It sent a shiver of excitement through him to know that this problem wasn't only his to bear. Biting his lip against the smile he realized how much Sirius resembled the boy he'd been, the boy with the doubting eyes behind the roguish smirk.
Sirius squirmed under his golden gaze, seeing the searching as doubt and pain flickered across his face followed by a stony look. He started to speak, Remus could almost hear the excuse he'd make to leave in his mind as he leaned forward and cut Sirius' words off with a soft brush of his lips against his mouth. For a moment neither breathed, just froze, sharing the same space for an instance before Remus leaned back.
He ignored the surge of adrenaline that coursed through him, the desire that stirred with the brief contact and looked deep into the dark eyes that stared at him. " I don't need your apologies, Padfoot. I never did."
Remus pushed his hair out of his eyes and reached out and covered Sirius' hand with his own. Sirius' skin was cold to his touch, cold but not foreign or unresisting, and it gave him the courage he needed to speak. " I only need you."
His heart hammered in his chest, color flooding his face as he realized the depth of his admission. Sirius' hand stirred under his own, grasping Remus' fingers between his, his dark gaze searching the face of the now silent man with an unreadable look. Dread filled him as the air grew heavier between them, but his thoughts were cut off as Sirius' eyes flashed with something familiar and his lovers mouth came down on his own in a searing kiss that sent a jolt of recognition through every pore of his body.
Danger, his mind screamed at him as his inhibition melted away under the sweet pressure of the mouth that caressed him in a way he'd though to never know again. The ache in his chest was enflamed by the merest touch of his only lovers hand on his neck, the brush of his soft hair against his face and the heat the radiated in the space between them. Reaching up he let his fingers slide through the beautiful black hair that tickled his face he pressed his fingers into the warm skin of Sirius' neck to feel the throbbing beat of his heart.
Their mouths each fought for control, tongues clashing and playing out a well practiced dance. Remus gasped as Sirius let his teeth come down on his lip, nipping and sucking in a gesture that spread the fire growing in the pit of his stomach into his chest and through his groin. He'd forgotten how it felt, the magnetism that flowed between them and made it impossible to draw away. He'd longed for it, and the longing won over as he felt the cool touch of fingers pushing the thin sweater up to make contact with the pale curve of his hip above his pants. He wanted to touch him in kind.
No words were spoken, Remus barely dared to breath as he let Sirius run his fingertips over the contours of his back and linger on the sensitive skin around his navel. It was dream like, a phantom touch that would vanish if he moved and broke the spell, but the warmth of the skin touching his own was real. Biting his lip softly, he let himself fall victim to the bottomless dark eyes that had seemed so dead only hours ago.
He nodded his consent as Sirius pulled the thin sweater off over his head and pressed his palms against his chest, submitting to the kisses that burned him though he ached to feel Sirius' warmth pressed against him. Closing his eyes he ignored the chill in the night air and abandoned himself to the heat that branded him, savoring the feel of his touch, his tongue, his closeness. It was heady, more addictive than anything he'd ever known and he felt himself swell in memory of times that had come before.
"Sirius... Please." His words held more pleading than he'd intended, his shaky fingers digging into the rough fabric of the sweater Sirius wore. A soft smile touched Sirius' lips as his smoldering look penetrated his trusting gaze, the honey tinged with something darker under the starlight. Without breaking eye contact Sirius swept the offending garment off, shrugging his strong shoulders against the night air and exposing his still too thin figure.
Reaching forward Remus let himself feel the faint bumps of the still apparent ribs before pulling him closer so that their chests pressed flush as they knelt before each other. Hip to hip he splayed his fingers across the smooth expanse of Sirius' back as his tucked his chin in the curve of his neck, idly nipping at his lovers earlobe and he nuzzled his neck in an effort to get closer to him. He wanted to meld into him, to know nothing but his touch and let all his worries fall away. What did he need worries for when his love was pressed against him, aroused and content as he was.
In one motion Sirius wrapped his arms tightly around the slender figure before him, the tempo of his heart echoing that of the slighter man, and pulled him off the step and under him into the grass. The damp blades of grass clung to them as they clung together, the tiny points barely a tickle on their fevered skin. Skimming his palms over his lovers sides Sirius buried his face in Remus' neck and for awhile they didn't move but for rising and falling that went with breath. Without moving Remus looked over the pale shoulder of man above him at the stars that had somehow changed since he'd seen them last. They pulsed above him, distant, burning suns in the place of remote specs of ice, mirroring the scalding pulse of the blood in his veins. The moonless sky had betrayed him he realized as he felt the clawing of the wolf in chest, the primal energy that surged through him and made the pressure on his erection painful. He needed more than to touch and feel, he needed to claim and mark what was his.
Sirius felt the change in him before he even spoke, as the soft caresses of the his hands on his back became more demanding and the subtle pressure against his hips would no longer be ignored. When Remus spoke it came out as a growl, a dangerous timbre on his normally soft voice. " I can't stop here, I need to feel you Sirius. I can't control it anymore."
The self control that he'd always kept in check was gone as he pushed Sirius off of him and tackled him back into the grass, trapping the stronger man with the pressure of his hips against him. Bracing himself on his knees above his captive he let the flood of fire in his body guide him in biting the mouth that had teased him, in raking the pale flesh that had bewitched him with his nails, and thrusting his hips against the hardness that he wanted to feel against his own.
Beneath him Sirius let out a broken sound that came from deep in his throat, his eyes closed and his neck exposed to his ministrations. He didn't move, letting Remus make all the contact and friction but to grasp the fairer mans flanks to keep him close to him. He'd seen him like this before, full of wildness and desire, he'd been the only one to see him like this. No one else knew what kind of animal really lay beneath the calm surface of Remus Lupin, no one else know how to control it.
"Moony," his voice was rough, broken by desire but had it's desired effect as Remus connected with his gaze and brought his mouth down to meet with Sirius'. The air around them was heated, their bodies sought contact roughly while their mouthes connected with soft pressure and tentative tongues. They discarded their remaining clothing gradually and with no inhibitions until there was nothing but sure hands on pale flesh. Never breaking contact with their mouths, a link more intimate than sex, they brought each other to orgasm clinging together on the grass.
Exposed, they lay in each other arms taking in the old scars and the new, reveling in the feelings of comfort that had seemed destined to remain elusive for so long. For a moment the stars seemed to recede above them, their blaze dimmed by the pulse of their synchronized hearts and the tinge of cooling sweat. At that moment there was no war, no betrayal, no Azkaban, no wolf. There were only two lovers who had only been half formed apart. Their worries were for the morning, and together they lay until the stars dimmed and broke from the sky, giving way to the dawn.
***
I hope you liked it. There will be a sequel. -Dee