Gah. I forgot to add the "Warnings" part last chapter. My bad, my bad… (forgot this isn't LJ XD)

SUMMARY:
"What the -- What the hell are you doing here, Fair?!" "...bird watching." "Huh? Bird watching? There ain't no birds here, yo!" "I know." Who needs logic?

WARNINGS:
I advise those who are offended by retarded writing to evacuate the premises immediately. IMMEDIATELY (Mrs. Bennett tone). Slight OOC and chaos. More on chaos, though, but that's all in Zack's head. Maybe.

Here's the second instance. :D Hope you likey.p

Bird Watching by Moonly . Sunkiss

"The boy ran a hand through his hair and shook his head to get rid of the unwanted sweat, causing an explosion of water beads around him. This all seemed rather normal behavior, but for the spiky-haired SOLDIER hiding in the bushes, it was the dance of a god."

Zack knew it was bad – as in, REALLY bad to do something as... uncouth as this – Zack rejoiced at using a cool, "big word" – but he later reasoned that no one in their right mind could blame him. No. Nonononononono. If anybody were in his SOLDIER-prescribed boots right now, he'd bet Sephiroth's Calvin Klein's that thatperson wouldn't blame him for doing this. No, COULDN'T blame him. No, nobody could really blame him for doing this.

Right? He's right, isn't he? Come on, answer!

The violet-eyed SOLDIER smacked his forehead with the binoculars in his hands. Great, he was rambling to no one in particular. And worse, inside his head. That usually meant insanity, right? Well, he could always blame Hojo again, like he always does. He snickered as he thought about the old, psychotic coot. Everybody loves blaming Hojo. Heck, even Sephiroth did it.

"If those mako injections do anything to my hair, then I'm blaming Hojo. And then I'll kill him."

Let's all blame Hojo!

The self-proclaimed "most gorgeous SOLDIER on the Planet" sighed as a thought came into mind, successfully annihilating all traces of happiness inside him. Sadly, Zack couldn't blame Hojo for this, not even if he wanted to. He sighed and leaned forward, binoculars on his eyes, and his stance stealthy. He tried not to shake too much, not wanting to attract unwanted attention -- but shit, the bushes are so damn itchy!

Zack seriously hoped he wasn't hiding in a poison ivy bush like last time.

'Dammit, why is it so itchy?' He shook his head, as if thinking that doing so would alleviate the itchiness. But no, it didn't (duh). In fact, it only made it worse. He moved to scratch his neck when something caught his attention. He stiffened and he immediately put the binoculars back on his eyes – observing, studying… waiting. He gasped, and then grinned to the nth power.

There he is.

A trooper came out of the barracks. Others followed suit, but this one strayed from the group. He waved at the others who called to him, probably signaling them to 'go ahead'. The boy looked a little tired with the way he was huffing and panting. Laps again? Zack chuckled – the instructors assigned to new troopers were usually the worst. Spartans, they all were. SPARTAAAAAANS.

Ahem.

Zack squeezed the lens and rotated them around, causing his vision to either go blurry or clear. He then pressed a button that allowed his vision to zoom in even more. Now he felt closer to his "specimen". He grinned – thank you, SOLDIER-exclusive binoculars!

The small male looked around, as if to see if anybody was in sight. After a while, he shrugged and proceeded to take off his helmet. Then, in a flash, Zack's vision filled with sparkly gold and blue. Zack thought he was in Heaven. The boy ran a hand through his hair and shook his head to get rid of the unwanted sweat, causing an explosion of water beads around him. This all seemed rather normal behavior, but for the spiky-haired SOLDIER hiding in the bushes, it was the dance of a god.

Zack grinned in a goofy way, forgetting all about his itchy neck. He crept a little closer, bouncing in place like a love-struck fanboy. But again, you couldn't blame him, 'cause oh, look at that majestic creature. So beautiful, so magnificent, so... so full of life. Those golden spikes, those B-E-A-U-tiful cerulean orbs of unmatched radiance! That small frame, lithe waist, slender body—

"What the – FAIR?"

The SOLDIER froze.

All the sparkly, glittering light immediately faded into ugly darkness. There was a massive explosion of thoughts and shouts and screams and oh-my-fucking-Shiva-no-WAY in his head. Volcanoes erupted in his vision and he could swear the ground was shaking. The earth split, and he cascaded down the black abyss of nothingness – he was caught. Shit.

'No, no, it couldn't be. Shit, please say it isn't him!'The brave, daring and heroic SOLDIER gulped as he processed information in his mako-powered head. OK, Zack: breathe. It could be just your imagination. The spiky-haired turned his head so quickly, he was surprised he didn't get whiplash. He had to stop himself from cursing out loud when he found out who it was.

It was Reno. Shiva, kill him now.

The redhead looked at him with a half-irritated – why, hello to you too, Reno – and half-confused look on his face. Zack was sure why he was irritated (Zack didn't like Reno that much neither), and as for why he was confused...

Well, the first-class SOLDIER would probably be confused too if he saw himself crouched in a shrub with a pair of SOLDIER-exclusive binoculars in his hands.

"Uhh..." He supplied, looking around. Good, it was just Reno. Well, not that it was a good thing; Reno was Reno, and nobody liked dealing with the redheaded Turk. Well, on a regular basis. Zack suddenly felt a deep sympathy for Tseng. He scratched his head and looked at the blue-eyed Turk.

"Hi, Reno?"

The wide-eyed look on his face was almost amusing. Almost. "Hi? HI? You're acting all suspicious, crouched on the ground like some deranged pervert and all you could say is HI?" Reno said in a disbelieving tone. He was acting strangely indignant – and it hasn't even been a minute since he bumped into Zack – but the SOLDIER thought this was probably a normal thing. More sympathy points for Tseng. Now some for Rude. "What the fuck are you doing here, Fair?"

The violet-eyed male's face turned into a blank expression. He let his hands drop to the ground, letting the binoculars touch the ground a bit. He then faced a random direction, as if facing there would supply him the answer to Sinclair's question. After a few seconds of tense silence, the SOLDIER faced the Turk dude, blinked, shrugged and went back to spying on a certain blond-haired trooper.

To him, Reno wasn't there – in fact, he didn't even exist. Life would be easier that way.

But this served as an offense to Reno, and it made the Turk fume and growl out, "What the – you better turn around and answer me, yo! Why I oughtta—"

"Bird watching." There, he said it. Now, make like an egg and beat it.

The redhead stopped flailing in anger at the reply. He tilted his head in wonder. Reno looked around him, front and back, and looked up at the sky. He frowned, but it's not like Zack could see him frowning or anything.

He huffed, "Bird watching? There ain't no birds here, yo!"

"I know," Zack said. Who needs logic? SOLDIERS don't, that's fo' sho. Unless you're Angeal. Or Sephiroth.

"I don't get it. Why are you bird watching if there aren't any—" When Reno looked up to gaze at the barracks a few meters away, a thought dawned on him. And after seeing a small figure near it, everything made sense. He placed his hands on his hips, and a naughty grin lurked on his features.

"Oh, I know what you're doing." He declared high-and-mightily, as if he just received all the knowledge in the world. Zack wanted to roll his eyes, but he was too busy 'appreciating nature'. "You're peeping on the unassuming little troopers that arrived last month!" Ding-ding-ding-diiing! Score for Reno Sinclair! Turks: one; SOLDIER's: ZERO.

Zack couldn't care less as he flipped the Turk off – "WTF YO?" – and continued observing the Golden Chocobo.

"Uh-huh. Sure. Now go away. I'm off-duty and busy." Actually, he snuck out from his office and ran here to spy on an oblivious little trooper. Sephiroth's probably gonna shove Masamune up his ass when he gets back, but that's later and this is now. And now, the pretty little birdie is taking off his—

"Never thought you'd be a pervert, Fair. But why am I not surprised?" Reno did the most horrifying thing Zack ever thought he would do: the Turk knelt down next to him, took out his Turk-standard binoculars – "You're not the only one with the fancy-schmancy gizmos, fucker." – and joined him in bird watching.

And then, silence. Agonizing silence.

Then, to Zack's horror, Reno whistled. "Whoooa. Pretty golden birdie, spotted!"

"Forget it, Sinclair! I saw him first!" He shoved the Turk with his shoulder. "He's mine."

Sinclair lovingly returned the gesture. "Don't hog the space, you big cow!"

"I'm a cow?! Well, you're a pig!"

"That's what Elena keeps saying, but do you see me making a big deal out of it? Well, do ya?! NO!"

"That just means it's common knowledge, Sinclair!"

"Not as common as you being a First-Class FLIRT!"

"You flirt, too!"

"I don't do a sloppy job at it like you do, asshole!"

"Jackass!"

"Musclehead!"

"Son of a—" Zack's ears twitched, then all of a sudden, he felt the urge to scratch it. He gritted his teeth as he did so, displaying obvious discomfort.

"Crap, I'm itchy." Was he allergic to something? Probably to assholes – Reno was beside him, after all.

Then, to his horror (again), the blue-eyed Turk started scratching his neck. "Oh, shit. Now I'm itchy, too."

It was agonizing, the way the irritation attacked their exposed skins and caused them suffering beyond their wildest nightmares. And no matter how many times they scratched, the pain and discomfort only increasing with each scrape. They scratched and scratched till they both fell on their butts on the ground, itching and scratching till there's no tomorrow. Reno even started using his club to scratch his back, and in desperation, Zack snapped a branch to do the same.

"What kind of fucking bush is this?!" The redhead yelled, his eyebrows furrowed. "Don't tell me this is—"

"Do you think I fucking care?! MY BICEPS ITCH, DAMMIT!"

All the 'hey's' and the 'ow's' and the 'oh's' didn't go to unnoticed forever, though, as a tall, lean figure started walking towards the shaking bush. The man frowned and raised a delicate eyebrow. And using his long sword's blade, partitioned the bush to investigate. He could swear he heard a squeaky "yikes!" from within, which made him all the more curious…

His curiosity granted him the (ugly) sight of two scratching monkeys.

Zack squeaked first. "Eep! Sephiroth!"

Estuans interius, ira vehementi—

The Shin-Ra general scowled at the sight of them and regarded their current… positions with the utmost concern. Sephiroth crossed his arms on his chest, tapping Masamune's hilt. He positively looked scary from Zack and Reno's point of view, so one could really imagine what kind of horror is going through their minds as the long-haired general continued to stand there, all menacing and spooky-like. He looked as if he didn't want to know, but still, he asked, "Should I ask?" That question was brill.

"Oh, oh, umm, Seph—NO, THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" Zack waved his hands in the air, but they didn't stay in the air for long, as his neck started to itch again. "Shiiiiit!"

"Yeah, it ain't like that, yo!" Reno scratched an itchy part on his cheek. The skin was already going red. "We're just—"

"Just what?"

"…bird watching."

The look on Sephiroth's face would've caused even Angeal to laugh his ass off. But Zack didn't have time to laugh, because he was too busy going "Nooooo!" when the silver-haired man bent down to pick up the violet-eyed SOLDIER's abandoned binoculars. Sephiroth put them on to see just what kind of birds they were watching.

And then, silence. Agonizing silence.

Then, to Zack's horror (yet again), Sephiroth took off the binoculars and stared at them with a highly-amused look on his face. He smirked, "Bird watching, huh?" No reply. He continued. "If you two have time peeping on poor, innocent, unsuspecting blond chicks, then I assume you two have ample time to pass a report on last week's Wutai raid on… let's say, Tuesday?"

Zack gasped. "Tuesday's tomorrow!"

Reno flailed. "I ain't no SOLDIER!"

"Keep up the good work, boys." He smirked. "You found quite… a marvelous specimen." He walked away, and Zack could swear his shoulders were convulsing.

Bastard.

They got out of the bush, still scratching, Reno sent Zack the dirtiest, most vile glare he could muster and spat, "I blame you for this, you asshole!"

Zack sighed and shook his head. He glanced behind him and cursed when the blond trooper went back inside the barracks. He scratched his head – not really because it was itchy, though – and faced a very angry Turk. He scratched his chin (because it was itchy).

He shook his head again and said, "No, Reno. Don't blame me; blame Hojo."

Because everybody looooves blaming Hojo.

END

That was stupid. X'DD LOL IKR, but still, wasn't it amuuuusing? :3 And lol, yes, I was inspired by the "I BLAME HOJO" icon you see everywhere. :3 Thanks for reading!

The next installment would probably take a while :) School's back after a week of suspension (due to the floods), and I need to prepare for another month of mindless learning. YEY LEARNING. *shot*

Next Installment: The Man Who Loved Me #1

"Hello, I'm Zack. I'm the guy who used to date your late wife."