All the usual disclaimer statements apply here. This is a one-shot continuation of "Phoenix Feathers", written months ago as a gift for the Beta-of-Dreams, Melusin. This will make an awful lot more sense if you read "Phoenix Feathers" first. Once again, beware of binge drinking and phonetic spelling.

Hallowe'en

Hallowe'en was fast approaching. Not the best day of the year for Harry, Neville or Severus. The Sunday before, Draco decided to try out his new Conference Floo Connection and have a simultaneous word with Remus in the Lake District and Wayne at his London flat.

"Let's have a boy's night out! We can go down the Muggle pub here and have a kebab from the van on the way home. Hermione's been telling me about it, and it sounds like a laugh. There's an offer on vodka and Redbull, and you know I can't conjure that. There might even be some butch farmers to eye up!"

Remus choked on a combination of soot and laughter.

"Draco, you live in rural Wales! If you want to survive the night without me having to fetch Tonks for a bit of off-the-clock Obliviation, keep your eyes to yourself. And don't even think about holding hands with Neville, either."

"All right, then. If I promise to behave, will you two come?"

Wayne and Remus eyed each other through the flames. Who was going to mention The Missus first?

"I'll have to check with Padma," muttered Wayne eventually.

"If Tonks isn't working, I might have to negotiate with her as well," admitted Remus.

Draco rolled his eyes—and regretted it immediately when a cinder got him right in the iris. He squeaked like a girl and rubbed his face frantically.

"Ow! Fuck it. Urrrgh! Oooh, that's better… I've thought of a way to deal with that. Just tell them that the other girls are fine about it. Then they won't want to seem like the awkward cow of the group."

Remus and Wayne were impressed. They went away and announced that they'd be out with the boys on Friday, and that it was a mission of mercy and the other girls didn't mind.

Draco left the House at a sprint and reached the Lodge in less than six minutes. He wasn't silly. He knew Tonks and Padma would be in the Floo as soon as their other halves had settled down to read the Sunday Prophet. He had to get to Hermione first, or the story would break down immediately. Anyway, Hermione knew about Muggle pubs and would therefore be ideally placed to alleviate any concerns Ginny, Tonks and Padma might have.

An hour later and the girls had all spoken to each other. Twice. Then they'd each Floo'ed Ginny to rub in the fact that plans were being made involving Harry—without her knowledge or consent. Very wisely, Ginny acted cool about the whole thing and decided she'd get her own back on Draco at a later date.

Severus was such a soppy git nowadays that Hermione had no concerns about whether or not he'd behave himself. It was also his first lads' night out since they'd started shagging. She smugly informed the other girls of this and then invited them all over for drinks, cake and gossip on Friday night. The others thought that was a great idea. No way were they going to sit at home being boring while the men went out to play.

*pubpubpubpubpubpub*

On Friday, at six-thirty p.m., Severus grumblingly put on some black trousers and the black shirt that Hermione especially liked. When he realised he'd dressed in Hermione's favourite outfit for a night out with the boys, he swore long and loud and dug one of his fifteen white linen shirts out of his wardrobe instead. He blinked when he saw that his wardrobe mysteriously contained rather a lot of Hermione's clothes and thought he'd mention it to her… casually. Another time.

The boys all congregated in the kitchen and had one of Draco's conjured lagers. They talked loudly, catching up on the latest Quidditch transfers and cracking jokes that everybody laughed at and couldn't remember two minutes later.

"Right then," said Draco. "I've sorted out some pounds. You all just put ten Galleons in the kitty on the table, and then we buy rounds with the pounds."

Everybody nodded. It seemed fair – if a bit pricey.

The pub, the Green Man, was a couple of miles away, so they Apparated in pairs to a nearby field and met up in the car park. Harry took the lead and Severus took the rear as they'd both experienced Muggle pubs before. Snape was uncomfortable, though. He had vague childhood memories of his Dad, red-faced with beer and arguing about whippets with other red-faced men while he hid under the table with his lemonade and prayed that no one ordered any whisky.

*pubpubpubpubpubpub*

At the Lodge, the girls had all arrived safely. To Hermione's satisfaction, they each brought two bottles of wine. Except Ginny, who, being the closest, arrived last—with one of Harry's chocolate fudge cakes.

Wine was poured, small slices of cake were cut, and then supplemented with slightly bigger slices, and everybody settled down to look at the photos of Padma's wedding. Much giggling reminiscing ensued. For some reason, everyone found the one picture of Severus and Hermione completely hilarious. Photo Hermione was smiling demurely until photo Severus pinched her bum and made her squeal. Hermione couldn't understand what was so funny.

"So, how are things going between you two? It's been, what? Three months now?" asked Padma curiously.

"Everything's fine," replied Hermione.

"Just fine?" said Ginny. "Fine as in, better than Ron, the same as Ron, or worse?"

Hermione scowled. "Fine as in, 'what the fuck was I doing with Ron for so long? I must have been completely delusional!" she snapped.

Tonks eyed Hermione and Ginny warily. She hoped they didn't get bolshier as they got drunker, or she might have to call for assistance to break up a bitch-fight. And it was her night off. "Is it alright working together?" she blurted hastily.

"Well, we don't actually work at the same time very often. I spend more time with Wayne."

Padma raised her eyebrow and mentally set herself the task of encouraging the smooth development of Snape and Hermione's relationship."Have you said the 'L' word yet?" she asked.

Hermione giggled but wouldn't say why.

They all had some more wine, and the conversation moved on to Pavarti's, Luna's and Dean Thomas' scandalous relationship. Padma gained instant kudos with her insider knowledge.

*pubpubpubpubpubpub*

After three double-vodka-and-Redbulls, the boys were beginning to enjoy themselves. Conversation moved on to, 'worst snog' (everybody laughed when Harry admitted that Cho had actually had snot on her lip). Then, 'first shag' came up.

Snape and Remus changed the subject abruptly.

"Does anyone fancy a game of pool?" blustered Remus.

"I'll have a go!" replied Snape promptly.

They pinched a five-pound note from the kitty and went off to get some change for the pool table. A little while later, Draco appeared with another round of drinks and some dry-roasted peanuts. He smirked.

"Anyone in your year not shag Lily Evans?" he drawled.

Remus chuckled. "She told Sirius and Peter to fuck off," he said.

Snape took a satisfyingly large swig of his drink and potted three red balls in a row.

By the time he'd thrashed Remus twice, they'd finished their drinks, and the younger generation had moved on to less awkward topics. Snape felt it was safe to return to the table.

"Why don't we have a shot of something? Hermione told me there's this stuff called Sambuca…"

There were various howls of outrage after the boys drank their shots:

"Fucking hell! That's disgusting! (Harry)

"Errrrr, I think I might be sick…" (Neville)

"Good grief, that's sickly!" (Draco)

"Urgh." (Remus)

"Oooh, aniseed! That's quite nice." (Wayne)

"You're all a bunch of lightweights!" crowed Snape. "Hermione says that you can put a coffee bean in it and set it on fire, too. She sticks it in her mouth and then sets it on fire!"

The boys sniggered.

"I bet she does," said Draco.

"She does! It's called a 'Stunt-Man', and you can see the blue flames," retorted Snape proudly.

Ten minutes later, Snape was in the gents' toilet, splashing his horribly burnt chin with cold water.

*pubpubpubpubpubpub*

Chocolate cake demolished and wine-glasses refilled, the girls settled in for a nice chat about each others' sex-lives. Owing to similar nights-with-the-girls, they all knew the exact details of the boys' dimensions already (except for Draco's and Neville's, which were the subjects of constant and lurid speculation). The conversation was, therefore, rather candid in nature.

After testing Padma's Alohamora, Ginny promised that she'd owl her a pair of Muggle handcuffs she'd pinched from Arthur's garden shed. Then Tonks caused a round of shocked squeals by revealing that Remus was so well endowed that when they'd tried anal sex, it had been a bit of a disaster.

"Ew! No way would I even try that!" exclaimed Padma.

"Me neither!" added Ginny. "I think Harry would be terrified if I suggested it. He's rather conventional."

"I wouldn't bet on it, love. The urge is pretty much hard-wired into every bloke. It seems to work okay for Draco and Neville," added Tonks.

The girls all giggled.

"What about you, Hermione?" asked Ginny.

"What about me?" replied Hermione evasively.

"Does Snape like… You know…?"

"Let's all have a shot! I've got some Sambuca in especially," Hermione squeaked hastily.

The girls all groaned.

*pubpubpubpubpubpub*

The kitty was running low. The big table in the corner that they'd snaffled after the under-aged drinkers had gone home to watch telly was littered with shot glasses, empty crisp packets and half-smoked Hamlet cigars. After the fourth Sambuca, the boys were officially pished, very awake from too much Red Bull, and the conversation had grown maudlin.

"It'sh not that I don't love Ginny," slurred Harry. "It'sh jusht that I would've liked to play the field a bit more, y'know?"

"She's very pretty, though," said Draco, his beautiful enunciation mostly intact.

All the boys nodded in agreement, and Harry looked a bit happier.

"Does Tonks change shape?" asked Neville suddenly.

Remus smirked. "Only oc-oc-occashionally, and only when she feelsh like it."

"Fuck, yeah! Imagine the row if she thought you had an-an-an issue with her body," said Harry knowingly.

"Preshisely," said Remus, nodding vigorously.

"Not plannin' on havin' any kidsh?" asked Wayne tactlessly.

Everybody else winced.

"We can't," said Remus. "She'sh ver' career orien-orientated, anyway."

He gulped his eighth double-vodka-and-Redbull and puffed morosely on his Hamlet.

"How long was it before you told them you… loved them?" Severus asked abruptly (no amount of alcohol was going to affect his diction).

Five pairs of eyes honed in on Snape immediately. Not being a huge fan of interrogations, he shifted uncomfortably in his seat and sipped his drink.

"Ooooh, it's like that, is it?" drawled Draco.

"You can talk!" exclaimed Neville with a smug grin. (He was a big lad, with a hard head for the booze). "Two days of shagging, and you were declaring yourself out of my window at Hogwarts. Minerva had a fit, and you're still banned! I'll never make Head of House after that…"

The other boys grimaced. They were mates and everything, but they didn't like thinking about man-sex. It was weird.

"Eighteen months," said Remus. "Tonksh was a bit more shertain about shingsh than me."

Harry nodded sympathetically.

"Two months," said Wayne. "Knew before… but thought I'd better meet Padma'sh Mum 'n' Dad firsht, in case they were nuttersh."

"I did that before we got together at all. Just before, actually." Severus smirked nostalgically.

Draco shut one eye and squinted carefully at Snape with the other. "You don't want to leave it too long. It'll become too much of a big deal."

"It is a big deal, you idiot!" snapped Severus.

He downed the rest of the drink and stood up. "No time like the present," he announced and started to stagger out of the pub.

The boys all began to hammer the table with their fists and shout advice.

"Give her hell, Snape!"

"Try not to sound sarcastic!"

"Don't throw up in her face!"

Snape set his shoulders and continued walking. He didn't hit the doorframe that hard on the way out, but he knew he'd have a bruise in the morning.

*pubpubpubpubpubpub*

Hermione was swigging Sambuca straight from the bottle and holding court.

"So, the thing is, every time we shag, he says these incredibly sweet things, and I'm not sure he even knows!"

"Like what?" said a wide-eyed Ginny.

Hermione put the bottle on the floor, stood up straight and folded her arms. She cleared her throat and lowered her voice as much as she could.

"Darling girl!"

The girls tittered uncertainly.

"My sweet love!"

Titters became giggles.

"Empress! Goddess! Love of my fucking life!"

Everybody roared with laughter.

"Bloody hell! You'd never guess. Is he normal the rest of the time?" asked Padma incredulously.

"Completely normal Snape, otherwise. You know: 'I couldn't give a fuck about your hormones or your hair, we're late for a meeting,' and, 'Shut up, woman, I'm reading'. It's weird. I wonder sometimes if he'd say the same stuff regardless of who he was shagging."

All the girls scoffed loudly. Hermione sat down cross-legged next to the Sambuca and smiled weakly.

The door burst open, and a terrifyingly tall, dark, bedraggled man with a funny looking weeping sore on his chin appeared. He tripped on the doorstep and landed with a thud next to Hermione, knocking the Sambuca flying in the process. Groaning with the effort of sucking breath into his winded body, the man flopped over onto his back and frowned in confusion as four/eight/four female faces swam into view above him. He blinked uncertainly and with a considerable amount of effort gazed adoringly at the correct face.

"Hello!" said Snape.

"Hello, darling. Did you have a nice time?"

Snape frowned. He waved his hand vaguely in the direction of his face.

"Did a Stunt-Man... Burnt my chin... Winky hasn't called, then?"

"No, thank heavens! I've got Sobering Potion. Do you want some?"

"Noooo. Gives me a migraine the next day."

Hermione gently stroked Severus' hair away from his face.

"Do you want to go to bed?"

"Mmmmm. Cuddle. Got something to say first, though…"

Padma, Ginny and Tonks had a non-verbal conversation with their eyebrows and began to gather their things in preparation for their departure. After a minute or so, Hermione left Snape where he was and hugged them all goodbye. When they'd gone, she turned back to Snape to find him open-mouthed and snoring gently. She carefully cast Mobilicorpus and put him in bed, then fetched two doses of hangover potion from the bathroom and put them on the bed-side table, along with a pint-glass of water.

After washing her face and cleaning her teeth, Hermione quietly slipped into bed and turned to face her apparently comatose, smelly, fully clothed boyfriend. He snuffled into his pillow, and she snickered gently. Snape was going to be in a right state in the morning.

Craning her neck to kiss his cheek, Hermione whispered, "I do love you, you know."

Severus blindly reached out a hand and pulled her into the range of his utterly rancid breath.

"Feeling a bit sick now," he mumbled.

*Fade to Black*