A/N: Betcha didn't see this one coming, eh? Another update, in less than two weeks! I know, I'm pretty shocked myself, can't lie. Sorry for the cliffie, I forget sometimes how that turns you all into such angry little hornets!
NOW LISTEN UP BECAUSE THIS IS IMPORTANT! Something, somehow went terribly haywire after I posted chapter 11. It simply stopped showing up, even via the link in the email alert. I feel like some people might have thought ch10 was the most recent, and worry people on the alert list might see this chapter in their email and go straight for it. If you fit into any such category, GO BACK AND READ CHAPTER 11 NOW. Read, at the very least, and if it's your first time reading it, since I was so nice to alert you, maybe you will be so kind as to review it before moving on to this chapter, yes? I knew it. You're the best. ;)
Three heads whipped around to face me when I spoke. Smiling uncertainly as I locked eyes with Catherine, I raised my phone in the air, making a dramatic display of ending the call. For a moment, no one else moved — Catherine even still held her phone up to her ear. It was only for a second, maybe less, but it was the longest second I have ever experienced. Finally, the boys sprang back to life.
"No freaking way!" Greg exclaimed, followed a split second later by Nick's hopeful question, "You're back?"
My attention turned their way as they pushed out their chairs to stand. "I'm back," I confirmed, turning my gaze and a grin towards Catherine. She still stood there, frozen stock still, though the hand holding her phone had wilted down to around her shoulder.
Just as the guys made it to their feet, reality seemed to hit home for Catherine. Chucking her phone carelessly onto the counter behind her, she launched herself towards me, flinging her arms around my neck before Nick or Greg even had a chance to take a step forward.
I half noticed their sidelong glance to one another upon Catherine's blatant and, to them, unprecedented, display of affection. Then, Catherine spoke, and for a moment I forgot them completely.
"This better not be some sort of cruel joke, Sidle." She weakly attempted a serious tone.
I wrapped my arms even farther around her, tightening my hold. "No jokes, I promise," I whispered. Had it ever felt this incredible just to hold another person in my arms? I wanted to dissolve into the moment and live inside this feeling forever.
"And you're here to stay?" she murmured to my shoulder.
I nodded, taking the opportunity to sneak my nose into her hair for the briefest of seconds. "I'm here to stay."
"C'mon, Cath, you just saw her!" Nick shattered the moment. "Let us get a hug in."
"Yeah, quit being a Sara-hog," Greg added.
Catherine slowly let go of her hold on me, looking just a little sheepish, hands immediately moving to smooth her hair and clothes. "Sorry," she muttered with an impish smile, shaking her head a little as if working herself out of a trance. I smiled adoringly at her, not even bothering with an attempt to conceal my affection this time. I couldn't remember the last time I'd smiled so much.
I turned my attention to Nick and Greg, hugging each of them wholeheartedly. They told me how much they'd missed me, how great it was to have me back, and I assured them the feeling was mutual. I might not have ever come back had it not been for Catherine, but now I realized it was more than just her that I'd left behind. Catherine was just one, albeit very compelling, reason for me to stick around this time. I could handle this. Even if the worst-case scenario came true, if things went to hell with Catherine, or even just didn't work out exactly to my liking. No matter what, I'd still have my brothers — which is, for all intents and purposes, what these two men were — to fall back on.
With greetings to the guys finished, I once again turned to Catherine, uncertain of what should happen next. She shook her head again, slowly this time, almost like she was disbelieving of what her eyes told her she was seeing. She looked to be on the verge of tears, but I knew she wouldn't cry. Catherine was too tough for that, and too stubborn to let anyone see it in those rare moments when strength failed her. I wondered though, if the withheld tears were ones of relief for my return to the team, or, just maybe, of joy for the simple fact of my presence here now. I hoped for the latter, of course, but for the first time I felt it didn't really matter at the moment. All that mattered was that I was here, and so was she.
Catherine surprised me again, and certainly our male counterparts as well, by gingerly raising both hands to either side of my head, until her fingers brushed gently against my brown locks.
"You cut your hair," she said, delighting me by trailing her fingers lazily down the cropped strands and smiling. "I like it."
I grinned back, probably a little too widely, holding back the chuckle just itching to be released from the back of my throat. "Thanks," I replied, feeling a little victorious. I couldn't believe that plan actually worked.
This time, it was Greg that burst the bubble. "Just exactly what type of 'female bonding' did the two of you do out there in the Midwest?"
Both Catherine and I had turned to Greg when he spoke, our eyes now meeting again in a brief, awkward glance. I could only assume by her reaction that the images that flashed through her mind were similar to those in my own. Images that were most certainly not to be shared with Nick or Greg, or anyone else for that matter.
"What?" Catherine said after only a second, though I could tell our hesitation, however short, did not go unnoticed. "You act like Sara and I were never friends."
"Now, no one said that, exactly," Nick replied.
"Not in so many words," I accused, not enjoying the implication.
"Not in any words, Sara," Nick countered. "Look, we know you all are," he paused to look at me pointedly, "and were, friends. You just never seemed quite so…"
"Tactile," Greg provided.
"I was going to say 'close'," Nick continued. "But yeah, tactile. That works too."
I opened my mouth to argue, not really sure what I was going to say given the fact that they weren't exactly wrong. Luckily, Catherine beat me to it, saving us both from whatever hasty retaliation I might have spewed forth.
"If you're just about done analyzing mine and Sara's relationship, I believe there are still cases to be solved," she said, her tone switching from that of Catherine the friend into that of Supervisor Willows. The guys were clearly well aware that this meant the end of their prodding, at least for now. I, on the other hand, couldn't help thinking how incredibly sexy it was to see Catherine take charge like that. She had told me that the team was discombobulated as of late, but I could hardly imagine the reason had anything to do with her leadership. The position fit her like a custom-made leather glove. An extremely, surprisingly, and oddly sexy glove.
"Sara can help out on my case," Nick offered to Catherine, "You know, just to get back into the swing of things."
"No way, dude!" Greg said, cutting off Catherine before she made a sound. "You've already got Langston working with you. I'm flying solo. Sara should be paired with me."
Feathers were obviously beginning to ruffle, and I could tell we were on the brink of an all out sandbox war. I imagined the two of them sitting on the playground, playing tug o' war with some children's toy. 'It's mine!' 'No, it's mine!' The visual, as well as their bickering, made me smirk.
Catherine sensed the impending pissing contest as well. "Neither of you get her," she announced authoritatively, ending the dispute before it could really begin. "We're all excited to have Sara back, but we're still on the clock and there is work to do. There'll be plenty of time to catch up after shift." Turning back to me, she ordered, "Sidle, you'll be with me."
The command was offset by a little wink as she finished, concealed from the view of the guys. I pursed my lips in avoidance of grinning back at her. "You're the boss," I lamely feigned defeat, the grin breaking free of it's own accord as I spoke.
We agreed that the four of us would meet for breakfast at the end of shift, then, after another set of hugs from Nick and Greg, split off to tend to our separate cases. Catherine and I stopped in the locker room before rolling out to our scene.
"Sara, I can't begin to tell you how much this means to me," Catherine said while she gathered her things.
"It's nothing," I said with a shrug, inwardly glowing at her comment.
"It's not nothing," she replied sternly. "I know it was a huge thing to ask of you, and I know it was a difficult decision for you to make. I want you to know that I recognize that, and how much I appreciated that you were even considering it. I'm just glad you chose to come back. You're a lifesaver — and if you'd waited any longer to tell me, Ecklie would certainly agree to that."
I laughed, thinking I probably had indeed saved Ecklie from certain doom at Catherine's hand. Maybe not death, but he'd most likely be wishing for it. It was the statement just prior to her little joke, though, that was left reverberating in my mind: You're a lifesaver. There it was. I was her hero, just as I'd dreamed of. It felt more amazing than I'd imagined, just knowing that I had done this one thing for her and put that smile on her face.
Something inside me tried to retaliate against her praises, tempting me to argue that it really wasn't that big of a deal. Sara, just take the compliment, her previous words echoed in my head again, and so I obeyed. "Well, you're welcome then," I sputtered awkwardly. "And thank you, for saying all that."
She just smiled in return, and I could tell she knew she'd gotten through to me on that one. The subject was dropped temporarily, until we were on the way to our scene.
With anyone else, I usually took command of the wheel, but then so does Catherine. When it was just the two of us, she generally won the role of driver. It might have bothered me sometimes in the past, and perhaps would again someday in the future. For today, though, I was glad to let her have it, much preferring to direct my gaze towards the city whizzing around me and, when I could chance it, towards Catherine.
"What made you change your mind?" she asked, somewhat out of the blue.
"About what?" I asked.
"About coming back," she clarified. "What made you decide you wanted to?"
I knew she assumed that the change of heart had occurred after she left, when really it had happened the moment she'd asked. Saying she was the reason seemed a little too telling at the moment, though. "I always wanted to, Cat," I said instead. "It was just a matter of finding the courage to do it."
"What were you so afraid of?" she asked sympathetically.
I laughed lightly. "More than we have time to get into at the moment."
She nodded in understanding and let it go. "Have you found a place in Vegas yet?"
"Not yet," I told her. "I only made the decision a couple days ago. I was just focused on actually getting myself here."
"A couple days ago?" she asked. "I hope you didn't rush yourself on my behalf."
"Only a little," I teased. "But you're worth it." Shit. My internal monologue had sneaked its way past my lips unexpectedly at the last second. Why did it have to be something so obvious? If this was how things were going to happen now, I might just as well start carrying around a big rainbow flag with a heart-shaped picture of Catherine in the middle. It would probably be about as subtle, in the long run.
I felt the familiar heat in my cheeks that Catherine seemed to provide an endless supply of. I prayed she wouldn't look my way until I'd cooled down, but of course she did. To my surprise, she just smiled, and I dared to think she actually looked quite satiated by my accidental confession.
The moment was brief, her eyes back on the road in less than a second, but a still-frame of that smile was now pasted to my memory. In my mind's eye, I couldn't stop staring at it. If a picture's worth a thousand words, that mental snapshot seemed to speak volumes — if only I could understand what it was saying. The butterflies in my stomach seemed to think they knew, but I didn't have time to listen right now, and told them to quiet down.
"So, where are you staying then?" she continued to question me. When I told her I had a hotel room, she seemed flabbergasted. "You aren't seriously be planning to live in a hotel room until you find a place, are you?" At my guilty silence, she continued. "Sara, that is a tremendous waste of money. Not to mention, you and I both know what kind of disgusting trace lingers in those rooms."
"Thank you, now I feel like I need to shower again," I said dryly. "It's not like there was really another option, unless I wanted to sleep in my car, or a cardboard box on the street."
"Or my house," she added in a voice that said the option should have been obvious.
"What?" I half yelped, my mind going in the absolute wrong direction, with a whole new set of snapshots. Catherine in my bed. Waking with Catherine in my arms. Cuddled up beside me on the futon. Cooking breakfast in her underwear. Kissing Catherine. Touching Catherine…
"I can't stay at your house!" I declared with a bit too much alarm.
Catherine looked taken aback. "Why not?"
I couldn't very well tell her it was because then she'd be everywhere, all the time. That it increased the odds in favor of me doing or saying something incredibly stupid. That I didn't trust myself to keep it together in her presence. So, instead, I eloquently replied, "Because…"
"Well, unless you can come up with a better reason than 'because', I suggest you take me up on the offer," she said, using an only slightly milder version of the Supervisor Willows tone. "Or you might run the risk of seriously offending me."
I could tell that last bit was meant to be somewhat of a joke, though my brain was too busy scrambling for a logical argument for me to acknowledge it.
"Oh, come on, Sara," she piped up again, apparently taking my silence for defiance. "What's the worst that could happen?" For another split second our eyes met, and again I knew we were thinking the same thing. Clearly, so did Catherine, and she immediately began speaking again. "I mean, I stayed at your place, so it's only fair. Besides, I told you how grateful I am that you're back. Won't you just let me do this one thing for you?"
I glared at her a moment, though she didn't notice, which was just as well since the glare was really directed at myself for knowing that I was about to cave.
"Fine." I tried to sound annoyed, only to realize I was smiling again. Just because staying with Catherine was a terrible idea, one that should be avoided at all costs, by no means meant that I didn't really, really want to. "Just for a few days."
"Good," Catherine gleamed, while I instantaneously both rejoiced and regretted my consent. How did I get myself into these situations? If I listened solely to my emotions, then obviously I wanted nothing more than to be anywhere in her vicinity whenever possible. Of course, logic, ever the wet blanket, was always right there, whispering in my other ear. It would be trying enough, staying in such close quarters with the woman I was falling in love with, possibly already fallen for completely, unable express it to her. Knowing what it felt like to hold her, to kiss her, to pleasure and be pleasured by her — it all only made it that much more tormenting.
That last night together in Minneapolis, I had known it was plausible that I was seizing my one and only opportunity to be with Catherine that way, to be that close, that intimate. In the moment, you're certain that once is better than never. Now, I wasn't so sure; after all, you can't miss something you never knew.
Maybe I had made a mistake, sleeping with Catherine, though I couldn't honestly bring myself to actually regret it. Knowing might make it hurt a little more, but at least I had that happy memory to slip back into if it got too painful. Besides, I didn't figure I'd want her any less had we not been together physically, since it was so much more than her body or her lips that I desired. I wanted her smile, her laugh, her heart and affection. I wanted her stubbornness, her wrath, her brutal honesty. I wanted all if it, every last bit of her, no exceptions.
It's terrifying to want so much of something so badly, knowing you may never attain it at all. I had no idea if Catherine felt, or could ever feel the same way about me as I did her. One thing I did know, though, was that night in my bed, she had wanted me. In the long run, it might very well turn out to have been a mistake, but right now it was my glimmer of hope. If she wanted me then, maybe it was possible that she did still.
So much had changed in the few short days Catherine had spent in my home. Maybe agreeing to stay with her would prove to be just another faux pas, but perhaps it would force reality out into the open. Even if it came as a crushing blow, at least it would be over and done with. I told myself this was the most likely scenario, yet still, I couldn't help but hope.